'The Bachelorette' recap: Already getting hot and heavy

For The Baltimore Sun
Time to get down to business as the Bachelorette is chosen.

Episode two jumps right into where we left off -- at the mansion with Britt, the girl who gives free hugs on Hollywood Boulevard, and Kaitlyn, who told Prince Farming he could “plow the f--- out of her field anytime."

They are spending the final minutes of alone time with the suitors, hoping to woo them and impress them enough to vote for one of them to be this season's Bachelorette.

I can’t believe that is an actual sentence, but it is.

THE BIG REVEAL

Things get exciting when Chris Harrison pulls Britt outside and tells her in his best Ryan Seacrest voice that she’s not going to be the Bachelorette. Britt looks genuinely surprised and in response, Chris tells her the vote was “very close” which seems comparable to telling the kid that sat on the side of the field during a soccer match eating grass that, "you still get a participation ribbon” for being there.

He escorts her to the limo, and here come the infamous tears. Too bad she didn’t bring the Kleenex from Tanner, who Britt called Smiley when she first saw him. She gives the same tearful speech every girl who has ever been sent home in "The Bachelor" limo gives and tells us that she is confused, exhausted from being alone and that her only life dream is to be a wife and mother.

Someone needs to give Britt a free hug. Also, has anyone ever interviewed the ABC limo drivers? I feel like there is something there.

Anyway…

After what seems like 20 minutes of Britt being sad on camera, we are back at the mansion with Chris Harrison now approaching Kaitlyn to share the news. Kaitlyn tries to greet him with a hug but is denied, so that he can, again, do his best Ryan Seacrest by telling her with a compassionate expression, “I counted the votes and unfortunately Kaitlyn … (break for long, dramatic pause) I had to send Britt home. You’re gonna be the Bachelorette.”

I secretly smile to myself for all of humanity that a knock-knock joke was an effective form of seduction.  

Kaityln tells us this is “hands down the best moment of my life” as though she’s just won the lottery and a trip around the world with Tim Riggins, not like she has to spend upwards of nine-to-12 weeks with a frat house mansion full of fitness enthusiasts who may or may not be thinking about another woman during dates.

After asking if she can go back to the mansion to tell everyone, Chris reminds her that she has a rose ceremony to prepare for, which is part of the “job” as the Bachelorette and I Google to see how many past Bachelorettes have “former Bachelorette” as their job title.

Kaitlyn decides now is an opportune time to call her mom and share the “good news.” While my mom would likely be mortified at this excitement and life decision all together, Kaitlyn’s mom encourages her to go “find my son-in-law!”

Chris and Kaitlyn return to the mansion for the big reveal to the contestants, and the reactions are hilarious. It is very clear who is happy and who is definitely disappointed.

Obviously Ian, who looks like the guy who was sleeping with Olivia Pope before she found out he tried to kill Scott Foley, and told Kaitlyn he would make sure she was the Bachelorette, was the most thrilled. I’d say Shawn B., the fitness trainer with fancy socks, who also told Kaitlyn he was there for her is a close second in his excited reaction.

Jonathan, the pool boy from “Legally Blonde,” is just as angry as he was when Elle Woods outed him and won the trial, and Brady, one of many singer-songwriters from Nashville does not hold back with his achy-breaky heart.

A couple of the clear "Britt for Bachelorette" hopefuls try and fake it, but at 30, I know what that looks like and I’m not buying it.

COCKTAIL RECEPTION

Finally, Joshua, the industrial welder, gets some one-on-one time with Kaitlyn, and spits some industrial welder game by giving her a rose that he welded for her.

Another sentence I can’t believe I just typed.

Kaitlyn responds with “that’s so ‘I’m a man’ of you,” and now I wonder about all of the boys who have given me paper napkin roses.

Chris Harrison wastes no time, and quickly brings out the first "first impression rose" of the season. Tony, who has a job as a healer, babbles off some healer speak about the first impression rose before he goes to mourn Britt by a fire.

He compares Kaitlyn to a drinking fountain, and according to him, all of the suitors are just waiting in line to have a drink but he’s going to dig his own well. I really hope that’s a clever innuendo, but I don’t think the healer has it in him.

At this point, I say out loud to myself, that I would like for Tony and Ashley S. from Prince Farming’s season to marry each other after a crazy season of "Bachelor in Paradise."

After thinking about what that would look like for a few, we go back to Jared, “Love Man,” confessing to Kaitlyn that he was there for Britt but he could come around and fall for her.

This makes me feel like that time I caught an ex texting some girl whose name had a random “y” in the middle of it about how he was looking forward to seeing her. Kaitlyn, however, feels like it brings them closer.

After that punch to the gut, we are given a peek into the upcoming panic attack that is Brady, one of many singers from Nashville. Not Kelsey, the fourth-grade teacher who uses big words to make you feel stupid-level panic attack, but there’s potential here.

Next it’s JJ, whose job title has “former” in it so he’s probably unemployed, who gets time with Kaitlyn, and we have our first “I’m a single parent” conversation of the season.

Fortunately, JJ lets Kaitlyn know the child isn’t hers because I think most women are confused about what giving birth feels like.

Surprisingly, she seems to be into this. Maybe she has a thing for hot, but not that smart, dads.

After JJ pulls the single dad card, Chris, the dentist who showed up in a cupcake costume, goes straight for the mouth. I’m not even embarrassed by how cheesy that joke was. They make out for a few, and in just two episodes we have seen tears, a single parent story and a first kiss.

Things are steaming up quickly.

As the rest of the men watch from inside, Tony says, “you can’t judge a book by its cupcake” and WHO do I have to call to make sure him and Ashley S. meet?

FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE

Kaitlyn decides to give out the first impression rose to none other than Shawn B. and his fancy socks. After he accepts the rose, they make out and we are at kiss No. 2 in less than 12 hours of knowing each other.

Oh how I’ve missed this show. Also, Shawn B. if it doesn’t work out with Kaitlyn, call me.

ROSE CEREMONY

We head to the rose ceremony, and after Kaitlyn hands out a few roses, Brady continues with his panic attack by pulling her aside to talk with her in private. As they leave together, we see the first bit of man drama this season. The other contestants think Brady may be looking for more private time with her to convince her that he should stay, but alas, Brady is there to tell Kaitlyn that his “heart is with the woman who left a couple of hours ago.”

Brady tells us that he is more than serious about leaving to find Britt and as she says goodbye, Chris Harrison walks him to the limo asking if he can “hook it up” between Brady and Britt. Seriously, did ABC spring for a new publicist for Chris Harrison, and is it Ryan Seacrest?

My first prediction, as it’s too early to talk about who will make hometown dates is that there will be an episode where Brady and Britt return in some capacity as a couple.

After Brady and Chris Harrison bro hug, we get back to the main event. The rest of tonight’s roses are handed out, and we are given insight to the upcoming season now that we know who the Bachelorette is.

From what I can tell, there is some sex before the fantasy suite, the return of a former Bachelorette contestant who seems to make it pretty far into the season, an appearance from Amy Schumer, and a lot of tears. Not just from Kaitlyn.

This is going to be fun.

ELIMINATED

David, the one who was too boring to talk about during the first episode

Shawn E., who showed up in the “car pool”

Bradley, the international auto shipper who wore a red sweat band to emphasize a tennis joke

Josh, the lawyer AND exotic dancer. To be honest, I’m disappointed I won’t get to spend more time writing about this guy.

Brady also went home. Or to find Britt.

KAITLYN'S LINE OF THE NIGHT “That’s so ‘I’m a man’ of you."

 

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