Welcome to part one of the shocking two-part season finale of "The Bachelorette," which, of course, Chris Harrison calls the "television event of the summer."
It better be good because most of the show's viewers would rather have root canal than sit through another boring week with Des, Brooks, Chris and Drew. Sorry rose lovers, but you better bring on the novocaine because there is still one week to go before we find out if Des lives happily ever after or if she pulls a Mr. Chow and tells them all "so long gay boys."
It seems like years ago that drunk Jonathan tried to persuade Des into the fantasy suite straight out of the limo on night one. Since the beginning, there have been speculations that a significant number of the eligible bachelors are not here for the "right reasons" because they are in fact gay.
For a season full of men, there have been lots of tears, emotions, cat fights and PMS. As we walk down memory lane, we visit the ghosts of Des' rejects; Diogo's failed suit of armor, sexy Juan Pablo, Brian's crazy girlfriend, lots of men with emotional issues and a federal prosecutor who has his mom on speed dial. Yet here we are, 10 weeks later, and Brooks, Chris and Drew are the last men standing.
Des arrives in Antigua for her first overnight date with Drew. She describes him as "so passionate and so romantic." The rest of us describe him as "so gay." She further says that with Drew "I see happiness, a future." I see Drew coming out of the closet.
For their date, Des and Drew rent a jeep and explore the island of Antigua. My husband and I had a very similar date years ago when we went to Antigua, except my husband was heterosexual. He still is. It's the glue that keeps our marriage together.
After Jeep Tour 2013, Drew and Des take selfies, buy unnecessary crap at a local street festival, shake maracas and do the limbo. They picnic, eat pineapple, talk about family and make out.
Later that night it rains, and the "dinner on the beach" date is conveniently relocated to the fantasy suite. Drew is ecstatic that he can hold Des in his arms and wish her good morning since he has only had good nights. Things a straight man says never.
Drew admits he has had crazy, intimate, passionate feelings for what seems like forever and is ready to get down on one knee. He falls more and more in love with Des every day and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Drew leads Des to the bedroom and upon seeing rose petals on the bed and champagne in the ice bucket, tells Des that he loves her. They kiss some more and after enduring lots of slurping and sucking and other noises that no one needs to hear, Drew throws out the camera crew, shuts the lights and works on his horizontal limbo.
Meanwhile, back in Idaho (I thought Brooks lived in Salt Lake City?), Brooks has a heart to heart with him mom and his sister about his feelings, or should I say non feelings, for Des. It seems that the idea of proposing to Des makes Brooks uncomfortable and although he WANTS to be in love with Des, he can't get himself to FEEL love. I'm guessing that Brooks' inability to feel love for Des stems from the fact that he is a normal human being who has known her for a mere 9 weeks and probably DOESN'T love her. Or maybe he loves Drew. Either way, here is some free advice Brooks - if you need to confer with mommy about whether or not you should get engaged, you are not ready to get engaged. Brooks, his mom and his sister all agree that the right thing to do is to fly to Antigua and dump her on national television. I guess they never heard of Skype.
Back in Antigua, Chris and Des start their date when he finds her walking on a random dirt road. She is wearing pants, a bikini top and a fringe vest and looks like she just finished her shift serving beer and fish & chips at a local haunt. They board a helicopter and fly over the island. Chris comments on the various hues of blue in the Caribbean Sea as they fly over. Yawn.
They land on the island of Barbuda for a picnic, some fun in the sun, and more boring conversation. They draw hearts in the sand and Des tries to convince us (and herself) that they have a spark and a connection. They roll around in the sand, frolic in the water and engage in the obligatory "From Here to Eternity" kiss. Based upon the size of the waves, I bet they have sand in every crevice.
Later that night, Chris and Des dine amongst the loudest tree frogs in the caribbean. Chris asks her if she will move to Seattle and she looks horrified as she tells him that she likes living in California. Eventually, she agrees that she will move to Seattle. She probably would have agreed to move to a turkish prison to get away from the loud croaking of the tree frogs.
After dinner, Des whips out the fantasy suite card. Of course Chris accepts, but there will be no rub and tickle just yet, because Chris has to read yet another poem. Of course this poem sucks as much as all the others and doesn't even rhyme. I was more impressed with the tree frogs. Despite his shitty non-rhyming poem, Chris is rewarded with some making out in the hot tub.
Finally, the moment we have all been waiting for — it is time for Des' date with Brooks,
aka: The Big Bomb of 2013.
While Des is waiting for Brooks to arrive, she reflects on her feelings for him and puts on some really tiny white shorts. She reminds us that they don't know the difference between an adjective and a verb, and admits that she loves him.
Meanwhile, Chris is summoned by Brooks who wants advice on how to dump his "girlfriend" on national television. Brooks tells Chris that although his head says "yes" his heart says GET ME OUTTA HERE! Chris does his best bobble head impression and sits and nods in response to everything Brooks says. No matter how many times Brooks tells Chris that Des is not the love of his life and that he does not want to propose, Chris manages to drag the conversation out over two commercial breaks. Where is Dr. Phil when you need him? Eventually, Chris tells Brooks to pull himself together, think about what he wants to say to Des and wishes him luck. Although Brooks did the right thing, maybe he could have told someone all this BEFORE he flew to Antigua.
Brooks paces and waits to drop the bomb on Des. Des walks towards him and can't wait for their date- she is in love with him and misses him every day, even when she is making out with Drew in the fantasy suite or Chris in the hot tub.
Brooks leads Des to a bench on the pier, sits her down and runs his hands through his hair. He can't even look at her, and she knows the big dumperoo is coming and starts to cry. Brooks tells her that although she is amazing and he loves things about her, he mumbles something and tells her when he's not with her he loses his feelings for her. Ouch. The next 37 minutes go something like this: cry, snivel, mumble, whisper, cry, mumble, run hand through hair, snivel, cry, whisper, mumble. "I don't love you, goodbye" would have been quicker and less painful.
Des eventually removes her leg that she had lovingly slung over his, sits in the fetal position and cries. Pathetic. SMH. After a few minutes she looks up says "i love you- I do. I gave you my heart." Really Des- the guy just broke up with you and you tell him you love him? How about "goodbye" and "don't let the plane door hit you on the ass on the way out." She looks up at him and says "I guess you are going home?" Since the fantasy suite is pretty much out of the question at this point, Brooks says "Yes I am going home." Des tells him he broke her heart.
At this point my 11 year old turned to me and said "Did he just break up with her?" I said "yes." She then said "I don't get the point of this show." Neither do I.
There was more mumbling, more crying and more sniveling. Eventually, they get up off the bench, walk towards the beach, hug a few times. Brooks says he's sorry. She tells hims she loves him. Goodbye again. Another hug. Another hug. Another goodbye. She walks back to the pier, sits on the end and cries. Brooks cries and talks to the palm trees. Spit flies from his mouth and snot runs down his face. Chris' father just hopped a plane to Antigua to give him a nasal adjustment.
Brooks gets in the limo and drives away. He says he hopes that she will find love with Drew or Chris. Des snivels, cries and says she can't love them as much as she loved Brooks and that's not what they deserve. The episode ends with Des saying "honestly for me, it's over."