We are first reminded that Ian, who looks like the guy who was sleeping with Olivia Pope before she tried to kill Scott Foley, has an ego too large to fill the room, likely because he's making up for something else.
Too many minutes are spent between Ian and Kaitlyn discussing how they're not meant for each other. Finally, they both agree he needs to go home. He leaves, and after a boring conversation between Chris Harrison and Kaitlyn, we get to the rose ceremony.
ROSE CEREMONY
We learn this week's rose ceremony is at the Alamo, and the guys share their best (worst) Texas jokes with the camera before we get there.
Kaitlyn sends home Joshua, the industrial welder, because he is a liar who started rumors last week, and Justin, because we're close to hometown dates and still no one knows who he is.
As Joshua is leaving, he makes one final comment about not being pleased that Nick, from Andi's season, is still here. I feel like he's going to hold this grudge longer than I've held a grudge against the chick that beat me in the spelling bee in fourth grade.
By the way, ask me how to spell "xylophone" now; I'll never forget.
With a few more tears from Joshua and his terrible haircut, Chris Harrison tells those remaining that they're going to Dublin, Ireland. They must have finally cleared Nick's new passport, because it looks like we're taking this promised "journey around the world" out of the U.S.
Immediately, the cameras cut to Nick, his red hair and his green pants, so we can hear him tease, "No better place to fall in love than Ireland!" setting us up for what's to come. Pun intended.
Over the b-roll of wild goats and the loud Irish music, ABC reminds us that we're in Ireland as the guys arrive at their Radisson hotel suite. As they've done in every city, they again stand outside and scream in unison, "Hello, Ireland!" and I'm reminded of a college friend who sends me SnapChats every Friday of what city he's going to take shots in that weekend.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Chris Harrison is probably picking up chicks in the hotel lobby, so Kaitlyn greets the men in their hotel suite. She lets them know that the first date begins immediately, followed cautiously by, "Nick, if you would like to join me, you have 10 minutes to get ready."
Before Nick heads out to get ready for their date, he slyly tells those watching, "Looks like I just got lucky in Dublin," which you should just consider another pun.
When this happens, we learn quickly that Shawn B. and his fancy socks have taken Joshua's place as the contestant upset that Nick is here.
The one-on-one date begins, and Kaitlyn plays many notorious girl cards. First, she wears a sexy top with holes in the back that she says he can play with to touch her, followed by the "I'm scared of birds, save me" card, followed, as they join a group of Irish step dancers to dance along in public, by the "I'm spontaneous" card.
When the jig is through, they approach a street market, and Kaitlyn tells Nick she loves rings. Naturally, he buys them both a Claddagh ring. Claddagh rings, as you may know, are significant in that they essentially represent commitment and pure, long-term relationships for normal people. Apparently on "The Bachelorette" they signify it's time for sex.
As soon as those rings hit their committed fingers, they go into an alley and make out. Then they walk a block further and make out some more. Then they go to a bar, where he feels her up before they make out again.
As they sit down at the bar, they do something totally different and make out.
We take a break from their make-out sessions, likely so Kaitlyn can re-apply lip gloss. Back at the hotel, the rest of the guys are still discussing how disappointed they are that Nick is there.
To interrupt their whining, the date card arrives. Ben H., who finally made a statement by turning sperm into a love story, reads, "Nine fine men in Dublin she met, to fall in love her heart she let, but what you don't knowses, there are no more roses, 'cause there lies our Bachelorette. --Chris Harrison. Tanner, Ben Z., Shawn, Jared, Ben H., Chris."
This also means that the two-on-one date will be Joe, from Kentucky, and JJ, this season's jerk, who has made it much further than any fan has anticipated.
When we return to Nick and Kaitlyn's date, we see that they are having dinner at Christ Church Cathedral, which is hilarious since, while I'm not hugely religious, I'm also not certain their antics thus far should be continued in a church.
As per usual, he thanks her for "taking a chance" by keeping him here. She, again, asks the wrong question, causing him to avoid a response by kissing her.
Nick tells the viewers, "This place is so beautiful, it makes me feel mildly guilty about what I am thinking about when I am with Kaitlyn." As he should, because hello, Nick, you're probably not alluding to baseball at this point.
While they continue their loud make-out session, the captions let us know that they want to have sex with each other as they whisper innuendos into one another's ears. She gives him the rose and asks if he wants to go back to her suite. In less than .02 seconds, he responds with "Yeah!" and we see more shots of them aggressively making out. She tells the audience that she "forgets there are cameras and people all around us" as she jumps into his arms so he can carry her to her hotel suite.
Back in the men's hotel room, Jared "Love Man" tells Shawn B., "I hope she's having a s----y time right now." The cameras take us back to Kaitlyn and Nick making out on the couch, with Nick's hand aggressively caressing her thigh. I feel like I'm about to have to write the pitch for the next "Fifty Shades of Grey" book. This is getting so heated up, but in a not-sexy way.
(It should also be noted that I am on a family vacation and watching this with my parents, my brother, his girlfriend, my cousin and my uncle. Ever watched bad soft porn with your family? It's great.)
In the next scene, we hear Kaitlin say to Nick, "Come with me," and I'm fairly certain the pun is, again, completely intended. We are fed more lines like, "I want to know every part of you," and "I could get a hold of you," followed by, "Come here," and finally, the moaning and groaning that can only mean one thing -- they're rolling around in the sheets.
ABC does me a courtesy and before commercial, zooms in on an enormous fountain erupting. So, yes, they had sex.
ABC is still on my side; they return from commercial break with a shot of two birds and two bees before Nick heads out of Kaitlyn's hotel room. The next shot is Kaitlyn standing on the balcony with her sex hair, "I just had sex" grin and accompanying glowing skin.
In less time than it takes to pick up Plan B from CVS, her mood shifts to regret, and we hear her ask, "Has this ever happened before? I don't want this to be an issue." That is followed by, "If Chris and Britt had sex, what would I have done?" which is the network's way of confirming that they, in fact, had sex.
"I don't feel guilty about the act, I feel guilty about compromising other relationships," she continues.
We see Nick on his return to the hotel, and I don't know if he's wearing the same outfit from the night before, since I'm fairly certain he's never worn a different outfit.
Kaitlyn continues to worry, "I really feel like I could have just ruined everything if Nick tells them anything … I don't want to hurt any of their feelings."
As the group date contenders parade into the men's suite, Nick shares that Kaitlyn invited him into her suite the previous night. He calls it intimate, really personal, authentic and comfortable.
While the men continue their pissing contest, Kaitlyn proceeds to regret her decision as she hangs her head over the balcony.
GROUP DATE
After learning of Nick's good time the night before, the men selected for the group date show up looking defeated but wearing suits, so I am super distracted because they look dapper.
Chris Harrison greets them outside of another cathedral with, "I regret to inform you that the worst has happened; Kaitlyn is dead … for today." He further explains that they're going to celebrate her life with an Irish wake. I've never been able to successfully fake being dead on a date, but I may have to steal this one the next time a friend tries to set me up.
As we walk into the cathedral, we see Kaitlyn lying in a casket, holding a flask. She's laughing out loud.
For the date, they are asked to write a toast to Kaitlyn's life, because she's "gone but still listening."
Like the rest of the dates that the contestants have been asked to write or perform for, most were terrible. A few highlights include:
• Chris, the dentist who arrived in a cupcake costume, singing a song while I quietly hope he flies away on a magic carpet ride.
• Shawn B., who says, "I am truly sorry that you took your own life, but I am also sorry you had to spend the day with Nick yesterday."
• Ben Z., who clears the room to give his eulogy in private, ending with, "Want me to get your other boyfriends now?"
After this morbid date, the "after party" is at the Guinness storehouse. I wish they could pour me a beer, because that date was insufferable.
Ben Z. is the first to take her aside because he wants to tell her that today was "super hard" for him as it reminded him of his mother's funeral. Kaitlyn calls him a teddy bear, and he kisses her on the forehead.
As she moves on to Jared, she forces him to remind her before the kissing begins that he is falling in love with her. She looks at the camera and says, "Jared and I have spent a couple of amazing minutes together," so I'm guessing that time on the rose-petal-covered hotel bed wasn't what she was hoping for.
Next up is Shawn B. With his fancy socks, fresh face and sexy voice, he reminds her he is Irish by showing her photos of his family and his "boy," who was actually a dog. This is important because they're in Ireland, obviously.
When Shawn B. and Kaitlyn return to the group, Kaitlyn hands Jared the group-date rose, and Shawn B. is visibly baffled. After Jared accepts, he and Kaitlyn walk away from the group, hand in hand, to the cathedral, where they are greeted by the musical group The Cranberries. Jared asks, "May I have this dance?" and they make out as all of 1993 flashes back to me.
Shawn B. tells the group that he has to go to the bathroom, and he finds a crew person to vent to. He shares with this stranger that he loves Kaitlyn and she made him private promises while they were alone, off camera. He has been whining for a couple of weeks about Nick, and tonight he's pulling a Nick.
Shawn B. then trades his sad car-accident story for a parents' divorce story, and says because of those trust issues, he can't do this anymore.
As Shawn B. leaves the crew person to head up the elevator, we see him knock on Kaitlyn's door. She opens and with a surprised look on her face asks, "What are you doing?"
We end in the confessional with Kaitlyn crying at the possibility of Nick telling Shawn B. about their passionate (and loud) night together.
And similar to every other week this season, we are given a "to be continued…" Chris Harrison owes me a drink.
As the credits roll, we get to see Britt and Brady with Britt's mom, and the only takeaway is that Britt friend-zoned Brady after two months.
ELIMINATED
Ian, who looks like the guy who was sleeping with Olivia Pope before she tried to kill Scott Foley
Joshua, the industrial welder
Justin, who got out of the limo with balloons and that's about it.
LINE OF THE NIGHT
"I want a rose so badly I would pull my own teeth out." --Chris, the dentist who showed up in a cupcake costume
MY HOMETOWN GUESSES
Nick, because he excited her in the bedroom from what we all heard.
Shawn B., because Kaitlyn is clearly about physicality and very attracted to him.
Ben Z., because she is clearly about physicality and very attracted to him.
Ben H., because he turned the charm on in episode four, which is usually telling. Also, he was great on their second one-on-one date.