Before we dive into last night's episode, it should be known that on Monday nights, while "The Bachelorette" is airing in all time zones, I ignore my phone and social media and distract myself by working out so I can avoid any knowledge of what the episode entails.

Going back to write my recap this week, I checked my texts and social media accounts to find an abundance of notes about how the men on tonight’s episode were particularly whiney — and I must say, it’s true. In fact, one of my favorite things was JJ Lane’s Instagram post of him and a few of the men from Kaitlyn’s season, captioned, “Miss us yet?” This season's dudes are worse than the women from Chris Soules’ season.

Anyway … this week, the remaining eight and JoJo make their way to Buenos Aires, Argentina, and I, for one, am grateful we are leaving Pennsylvania. The episode begins with basically a one-on-one between JoJo and Chris Harrison. I’m assuming this is the best “date” Chris Harrison has ever, been on especially since I am currently reading his book for my “Bachelorette book club” (yes, that’s a thing).

During their conversation, JoJo expresses concern that she may fall in love with two people. How ironic, seeing as that’s how Ben just “broke her heart.”

After his hot date with JoJo, Chris Harrison heads to greet the remaining suitors and tell them that there is another twist this week — there will be a second two-on-one date. Guess who doesn’t like this? Alex, who is the same size as JoJo, because he doesn’t like anything.

FIRST DATE CARD

The first date card arrives, and Robby, the former competitive swimmer who used a hashtag in his bio, reads, “Wells, besame, besame muchacho.” I had to Google what this meant, despite having a minor in Spanish, and basically it translates to, “If you don’t kiss me, you’re out.” JK, it just means, “kiss me.”

I could have just waited a few seconds to write that last line because Wells, who brought All-4-One with him on the first night, responds to the date card with, “I’m the one guy who hasn’t kissed her!” Oh, and, guess who doesn’t like this? Alex, who is the same size as JoJo, who says, “It blows my mind that JoJo had to write a date card essentially telling him that ‘Today is the day you’re going to finally kiss me.'” Little (pun intended) does Alex know — JoJo doesn’t write these date cards.

JoJo arrives to pick Wells up for their date and as they are leaving, Luke, a man who believes unicorns are real, asks, “Are you guys gonna kiss today?” And it’s official — my problem with men is that I fall in love really fast and then after three weeks, they do something that makes me never want to talk to them again. Thanks a lot, Luke.

JoJo isn’t amused either, as her response is, “Mmm, that’s funny…isn’t it?” Maybe she did learn a thing or two from Kaitlyn after all.

JoJo and Wells, who brought All-4-One with him on the first night, head to an open-air market in Buenos Aires to browse the stalls, and it’s clear that Wells is incredibly nervous.

As though the other guys are watching this with me, back at the hotel they are talking about how awkward this date must be. James Taylor, a singer/songwriter named James Taylor, helpfully explains, “She knows that he’s supposed to kiss her, and he knows that he’s supposed to kiss her, and he knows that she knows that he’s supposed to kiss her, and he knows that he’s supposed to kiss her” — and now we all know why James Taylor hasn’t made it far in the songwriting industry.

This conversation is happening over a game of cards that turns into the dumbest fight in "The Bachelor" franchise. This is what my friends were warning me about, and they were right. Essentially Jordan, the “former professional quarterback” who should really just say, “I’m Aaron Rodgers’ brother,” is the guy who never gets invited to game nights because he’s too intense and James Taylor, a singer/songwriter named James Taylor, just wants to have fun. Everyone clashes over this and I’m exhausted already. Thank God I have two more hours to go.  

We make our way back to the Wells and JoJo date and it’s hard to know what’s happening because the buildup to this first kiss is pretty painful to watch. After grazing the open-air market, JoJo and Wells learn they’re attending a performance of Fuerza Bruta, an elevated acrobatics display that’s “very romantic and sexy,” according to JoJo. Wells clearly doesn’t think the same thing, as he’s visibly uncomfortable in what the performers are(n’t) wearing and tells us it’s hard to find the right moment to kiss JoJo with “two girls wearing almost nothing” swimming in the suspended pool above them. He also claims to find the date too “weird” to be romantic. I find his nerves about kissing a woman too weird to be romantic, but what do I know?

Right when we think Wells has blown it, a nice man named Fabio (but not the one you’re thinking of) joins the date to tell them they’ll be learning how to perform some parts of the show. This includes a scene where they have to run on a treadmill until they’re “fake shot.”

Poor Wells decides that is the moment he’s going to try and kiss JoJo. As you can imagine, it did not go well for him. First, he completely misses an attempted high-five from JoJo, so he essentially tries to recover by patting her face. After that, he leans in for a peck on the cheek and JoJo’s face is as bothered as all of yours as you are reading this. Wells tells the camera he’s looking for the right time to kiss JoJo because he wants it to be a once-in-a-lifetime kiss. If he keeps this up and actually makes his way to her lips, it may just be a once-in-a-lifetime kiss.

After they are finished with their “training,” Wells, who brought All-4-One on the first night, finally gets it right and kisses JoJo. If you didn’t think this could get any more bizarre, JoJo’s response is, “That was the moment, Wells! We did it!” — as though he just took his first steps as a child.

During the dinner portion of their date, Wells tells JoJo that he’s been struggling with the fact that they’re two different people but now he’s open to broadening his definition of who the perfect woman for him might be. Naturally, she then asks him about his last relationship. Because that’s what you do on a first date. While he’s talking, he’s also sweating profusely and I hope the medics from the firefighter date don’t have to return to help him again. JoJo also notices this and reassures him, "It’s hot in here." I just feel badly for Wells at this point.

He goes on to say that he and his girlfriend broke up when they realized they were just “best friends living together” and the romance was gone. JoJo talks about wanting a “fairy tale love” and Wells looks like he wants to kill himself. I don’t blame him. She must notice this, too, because she says, “I need to decide if I’m willing to keep trying to break through that wall with Wells … but there’s no time left.” And with that, Wells is eliminated. As they say their goodbyes, Wells says, “You deserve to find true love and I hope you find it,” but what I really think he wants to say is, “I wish All-4-One could have come to Buenos Aires.”

Oddly, JoJo continues this date by herself and strolls back into the Guerza Bruta auditorium to stand alone in the middle of a cheering circle of “fans.” Honestly, this is like my life's dream — to leave a bad date and still have others around to compliment my blowout.

GROUP DATE

Luke, Robby, Jordan, James and Alex greet JoJo to stroll around the La Boca district eating local cuisine, learning to tango and crashing a local game of soccer all while competing for her attention and seemingly having a good time. Except James Taylor, the singer/songwriter named James Taylor. After moping around and kicking rocks, James Taylor tells us, “I really feel like I snuck on to a set that I’m not supposed to be on,” meaning he doesn’t feel as hot as the rest of the group. Even Alex, who is the same size as JoJo, which is just silly, James Taylor. He continues with, “I’m not going to blow anybody away with my looks or my abs, right?” which perpetuates why my friends were complaining about how whiney these dudes are.

That all being said, James Taylor somehow finds the strength to score a penalty shot against an Argentinean goalie and for that, JoJo rewards him with a kiss. Apparently that’s all this singer/songwriter needed, as he has changed his tune. (I’m full of puns tonight. You’re welcome.) He claims, “I am on a quick train, and it’s headin’ to I Love JoJo Ville.” You guys, this guy wants to make a living by writing song lyrics and that’s what he comes up with.  

When they head to the cocktail portion of this group date, James Taylor spends his celebratory alone time with JoJo bashing Jordan, the “former professional quarterback” who should really just say, “I’m Aaron Rodgers’ brother,” for his actions during game night. James Taylor calls Jordan entitled and tells JoJo that Jordan was mean to James Taylor during a card game once. James Taylor must be the youngest child in his family. JoJo thanks James Taylor for being protective of her and they make out for what has to be the longest time James Taylor has ever kissed a woman. Like, for sure.

The men rotate their alone time with JoJo and — I am not joking — JoJo and Luke, a man who thinks unicorns are real, make out on camera for at least 65 seconds. That is not a joke and I am emailing my ABC contacts to find out what the exact timing was. Stay tuned.

When it’s Jordan’s turn to sit down with JoJo, she immediately says, “It’s been brought to my attention that you had an altercation with James [Taylor].” She continues to tell him that James is a “genuine soul” and that she “believes everything he said.” Jordan is visibly pissed and smiling with his mouth closed, which freaks me out. He explains that they had disagreed on the rules of a poker game and that’s it. He also claims he is not entitled, with a curt, “I hope you’d know that by now,” and then they just stare at each other for about as long as Luke and JoJo made out.  

Jordan, the “former professional quarterback” who should really just say, “I’m Aaron Rodgers’ brother,” returns to the other suitors on the date with a noticeably pouty face. Funny enough, James Taylor says, “Jordan, you’re acting weird, bro. What’s up?” Jordan holds nothing back and refutes, “How does one act entitled when stating that the rules of a card game are such? How does my character get called into question when I am playing a poker game?” James Taylor looks shell-shocked, bites his fingernails and says “whatever” about 269 times.

JoJo returns to the men and offers the group date rose to Luke, a man who believes unicorns are real. Apparently, all James Taylor and Jordan had to do was avoid conversation and show her how long you can go without taking your tongue out of her mouth.

The rest of the men on this date are not happy with this decision and JoJo notices this. When someone asks her how she feels, she says, “I feel fine, but you guys are making me feel weird,” which calls for a joke too inappropriate to type.  

Jordan, the “former professional quarterback” who should really just say, “I’m Aaron Rodgers’ brother,” says he’s pissed because he’s never been accused of being entitled and I completely, absolutely, seriously doubt this.

TWO-ON-ONE DATE

While Derek, who has a fear of cucumbers I still need to know about, and Chase, the guy who has gotten through life doing everything he’s supposed to and nothing more, pack their bags and get ready for their date, Alex, who is the same size as JoJo, talks to the rest of the group as though he’s the resident expert at two-on-one dates since he “sent Chad home” on the last one. The “Men Tell All” episode this season is going to be one for the books.

The three of them walk into La Ventana, where we see a beautiful woman dancing the tango with two men. This is not a euphemism; it’s what is really happening on my television.

The whole date is JoJo “passionately” dancing with both men while the other looks on. It’s like a threesome no one wants to watch. 

Chase, Derek and JoJo have dinner at Panamericano with the two-on-one date rose sitting right in front of them. JoJo pulls Derek, who has a fear of cucumbers I still need to know about, aside first and he tells her that he hasn’t put himself out there since the last relationship he was committed to, but with JoJo he’s ready to because she’s the “most amazing woman [he has] ever met.” He confesses that he is falling for her, and after she responds with, “I appreciate that,” they kiss.

Chase, the guy who has gotten through life doing everything he’s supposed to and nothing more, is next. Immediately JoJo asks, “What is on your mind?” and I wonder if she’s the kind of girl who responds literally when Facebook “asks” that same question. JoJo shares that she isn’t sure of Chase’s feelings, which sends him into a downward spiral. More so because he doesn’t want to go home than because of how she feels, but you know, this is "The Bachelorette." Chase brings up her season with Ben, and now we know how he would be in a fight if he were her actual boyfriend … not just one of her many boyfriends. She tells him that she needs validation, and I don’t really think that needs to be said.

After vocalizing kind sentiments about both men, JoJo offers the rose to Chase, who accepts, and then turns to Derek to apologize and walk him outside. As she walks him to the car to say goodbye, she cries to the camera about how terrible this is. Like, girlfriend, this is what you signed up for.

As the camera pans in and out on Derek crying all the way to the airport, JoJo and Chase make out while a quartet accompanies Soledad Pastorutti who breathily sings “Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina.” Well played, ABC. Well played.

COCKTAIL PARTY

JoJo is wearing probably the most gorgeous dress I’ve ever seen on this franchise and I stalk her Instagram to figure out what is happening. Apparently she has already been connected with stylist Cary Fetman and now I want to be the next Bachelorette.

Jordan, the “former professional quarterback” who should really just say, “I’m Aaron Rodgers’ brother,” takes JoJo aside first and walks her down a set of stairs, which seems like a dick move with the dress and heels she’s wearing. He tells her that he wants to “do love with her.” I’m not totally sure what that means, but that’s why I don’t date athletes.

As JoJo spends time with the rest of the men, Alex, who is the same size as JoJo, is losing his cool. You know, something totally different.

Finally, Alex, who is the same size as JoJo, takes her aside and she suggests he seems upset. He confesses that he is because he hasn’t had a one-on-one date or a group date rose, and she agrees they need more time together then kisses him. Personally, I would have just sent him home then, which is why I will reiterate that I should just be the next Bachelorette

As JoJo sits down with James Taylor, a singer/songwriter named James Taylor, my mind wanders and I wonder how her lips aren’t just insanely chapped after all of this making out and white wine drinking. While I write this, they kiss and James Taylor tells the camera, “She like, really kissed me,” and I am curious about the other “kisses” James Taylor has experienced in his lifetime.  

ROSE CEREMONY

Chris Harrison walks into the room with the tray of roses and I’m pretty sure that’s the first time he’s ever actually carried that tray. I wonder what happened to the intern whose job that is?

Chase, the guy who has gotten through life doing everything he’s supposed to and nothing more, and Luke, a man who believes unicorns are real, have the roses going into the ceremony and there are three remaining for JoJo to offer, with four men who don’t have them yet. Alex, who is the same size as JoJo, makes an off-handed comment about James Taylor and I just want Alex to go home already.

JoJo calls and the names of Robby, the former competitive swimmer who used a hashtag in his bio, and Jordan, the “former professional quarterback” who should really just say, “I’m Aaron Rodgers’ brother." While the dramatic music plays, James Taylor and Alex nervously await her decision. A bemused JoJo says she needs a minute and walks away. Chris Harrison follows her outside and asks her what’s going on. She confesses that she doesn’t think she wants to give the final rose to either James Taylor or Alex. After Chris Harrison asks if she’s sure, she confirms and he takes the rose from her, leading us to believe both James Taylor and Alex are going home.

JoJo returns to the group, sans rose, and apologizes to James Taylor and Alex before Chris Harrison shockingly returns with two roses. I say shockingly because I can’t believe he’s still the one carrying this rose tray, but also because this means both of them are staying another week. At this point, I pause to pour a glass of wine because another week of Alex is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

Guess what? Alex is not happy about this. He feels like he is better than James Taylor and shouldn’t be viewed in JoJo’s eyes as his equal. He says, “We both got pity roses in my opinion. Give me a one-on-one.” And with that, I hate him more.

ELIMINATED

Wells, who brought All-4-One with him on the first night. 

Derek, who has a fear of cucumbers I still need to know about.

HOMETOWN DATE PREDICTIONS

Jordan, because obviously.

Luke, because I fell in love with him (and now you understand my dating life).  

Chase, because he’s attractive and he made it snow for her when he didn’t get a formal date. 

James Taylor, just so I can see how his friends react to him bringing JoJo home. 

LINE OF THE NIGHT

“I’m either going home, or I’m here for the long haul” — Alex, who is the same size as JoJo, and clearly doesn’t understand how this show works. Or, like, life.

Let me know what you think on Twitter or Snapchat @abbydraper. See you next week!