We begin tonight's episode with a reminder that Nick from Andi's season has moved in (as though we could have forgotten with how much they talked about it).
Nick asks, "What's up guys?" as they simultaneously respond with their best death stares. I laugh because the 12 remaining suitors are all still sitting next to each other on one couch, and Nick sits down on a different huge couch by himself, directly across from them.
Naturally, he is bro-grilled (I just made that word up, and it's great) by each of them. Nick explains he's not there for his "16th minute of fame." He's there because "I actually kind of dig this girl."
Tanner, whose most memorable attribute so far (still!) is that Britt called him "Smiley," asks him questions about hanging out with Andi a couple of months ago, because he saw it in a tabloid, and I'm confused because I didn't know men read US Weekly.
It's apparent early on that Joshua, the industrial welder, is the most upset about Nick's arrival. This is foresight to the rest of the episode.
ROSE CEREMONY
We finally get a rose ceremony this week, and rather than taking place in the hotel lobby, it's at Citi Field. I'm kind of bemused for a minute, because I thought the Mets were Chicago's baseball team. But that's why I'm writing about reality television and not sports.
While they're cocktailing in a stadium suite, JJ, this season's jerk, asks Kaitlyn if she's been on the field yet. When she says no, he picks her up and runs the bases while carrying her in her sparkly dress. "No thank you," I think.
The rest of the men spend their one-on-one time with Kaitlyn whining about Nick, and I hope she has a buzz because nothing is worse than listening to a jealous man. Or six.
After they're all done complaining, it's time for the elimination. While standing in the middle of a baseball field waiting to learn if they've been selected to compete for her attention, they all shiver. I'm glad I'm watching at home because this whole night sounds miserable.
When those who were eliminated go home, the remaining men are told they're going to San Antonio, Texas. Chris Harrison's promise of a "journey around the world" feels like a stretch, as we've now gone from L.A. to New York and now to Texas.
When they arrive at the new hotel, they make terrible puns about Texas and complain more about Nick until the date card arrives.
Jared "Love Man" reads, "Ben H. Let's take our love one step at a time. Love, Kaitlyn."
FIRST ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Kaitlyn drives Ben H. to Gruene Hall, the oldest dance hall in Texas, and tells him they will be taking two-stepping lessons before competing in a two-stepping competition. She implies that if he's a good dancer, he'll be good in bed, and I imagine every woman watching agrees out loud.
While Kaitlyn and Ben H., who finally made a statement by turning sperm into a love story, go outside to practice their moves, something like six locals (one of whom I think is over 100 years old) tell the camera dancing is important in relationships.
After they're tapped out of the competition, they make out in the back of a truck.
Back at the hotel, Chris, the dentist who arrived in a cupcake costume, reads, "Justin, Jared, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, JJ, Ben Z., Joshua, Nick. I love a man in uniform. Love, Kaitlyn." Shawn B. smiles like he just got a new pair of Happy Socks, because that means the second one-on-one date is with him.
On a rooftop overlooking San Antonio, Ben H. and Kaitlyn continue their date. Kaitlyn asks Ben H. about previous relationships and he becomes visibly uncomfortable. Most likely because that question is like the first chapter of "What Not To Ask On a Date 101."
Expressing how difficult it is for him to share this, he says his most recent breakup was really hard because she said it was his fault, and I'm pretty sure that's how all breakups go. She then asks him if, at 26, he's ready for marriage. After he assures her that he is, she gives him the rose and they make out.
GROUP DATE
A mariachi band greets the group and a 12-year-old boy serenades Kaitlyn before telling the guys that they are writing and performing mariachi songs to perform in front of an audience. They are less than thrilled, as I would be, too, if I had to watch Chris sing and dance again.
Joshua complains some more about Nick, and that's basically the title of this episode.
Dressed in mariachi costumes, each of the suitors takes turns serenading Kaitlyn while she sits on a stool wearing a denim dress and cowboy boots, because Texas, and it pains me to watch this.
When it's Nick's turn, he decides to one-up the rest of the guys. He takes her from her stool up to a balcony to scream his song, which includes the lyric, "We have such a strong connection, it gives me an erection," and I hope if I ever marry, that line is included in the wedding vows. Before returning to the group, they stop for a second to kiss, of course.
During the cocktail reception, Joshua takes Kaitlyn outside and says, "You're a barber right? I'm going to trust you to cut my hair while I'm blindfolded." I'm again baffled, because can Joshua see his own head? Also, putting a chick to work on a date doesn't sound like romance to me.
As she was trying to cut a mohawk into his hair, the buzzers stopped buzzing, so half of his head is shaved and the other is not.
While the group makes fun of Joshua and his new haircut, Nick takes Kaitlyn outside to make out. After they've finished, Joshua confronts Nick again, and then Joshua runs to tell Kaitlyn that no one in the house likes Nick. She asks him if that means the whole house is lying to her face, and writing this paragraph is what I imagine texting would have been like if I had a cell phone in middle school.
Joshua goes back into the room of men and tells them he was being interviewed, which they know isn't true because they all saw him talking to Kaitlyn.
Kaitlyn comes in to address them about lying to her face, and after they react with bewilderment, she calls Joshua out for lying. And then the guys call him out for lying about the interview, so basically Joshua is a jealous liar with a bad haircut.
Kaitlyn plays a power move and gives Nick the rose. This probably won't make me popular, but I would love them as a couple.
SECOND ONE-ON-ONE DATE
We learn that Shawn B. and Kaitlyn are going kayaking. She reminds us all that Shawn B. is attractive by calling him a "hot babe" and telling us she loves his voice and the way he smells. So essentially, Kaitlyn is turned on by Axe body spray, as I'm assuming that's what Shawn B. uses, and abs.
Following a ride around the river, they sit outside, talk about honesty and make out. Shawn B. tells Kaitlyn about a bad car accident he was in while they play with each other's hands. He cries on her shoulder before they make out some more. Shawn B. tells her he's falling in love, the making out gets even more aggressive, she says she feels the same way and she gives him the rose.
The date ends as they take another boat out, where naturally there is a fireworks show.
Back at the hotel, Ian, who looks like the guy who was sleeping with Olivia Pope before she found out he tried to kill Scott Foley, is feeling sorry for himself, so to stroke his own ego, he goes on a rant that he is a "catch." He shares with us that Kaitlyn is missing out by not giving him more attention, because he is a Princeton graduate and former model who defied death and has been around the world a couple of times.
Away from the confessional room, he tells Nick that he wants to be the next Bachelor, because he would excel better in that situation. Um duh, Ian, because you'd be making the decisions and not Kaitlyn. He goes on to tell Nick that Kaitlyn isn't interesting, and egos are gross.
COCKTAIL PARTY
We start with Joshua crying to the camera, because he screwed up on the group date, and move on to Ian telling the camera he's over this because "she's not half as hot as my ex-girlfriend." I pause the show to Google "Ian's ex-girlfriend" because I need to know what she looks like immediately.
Following a toast to honesty, Kaitlyn takes Jared up to her hotel room. He also tells her he's falling in love with her between kisses.
I've been dating for like 15 years, and no man has ever said, "I'm falling in love with you" before just saying "I love you" after, like, 10 minutes of knowing me. Is this a new thing? Kaitlyn takes Jared into the bedroom, where the bed is covered in rose petals, and they continue kissing.
Oddly, the next scene is Kaitlyn sitting on a bench making out with Joe, the man repping Kentucky. This is strange, because I'm curious about how this was and will be edited, as we're supposed to assume from previews that the rose-covered bed is where she has sex before the fantasy suite dates. Which, by the way, happens next week, so don't forget your popcorn.
While she and Joe are bench-kissing, Ian stands by the window and watches, while confessing that he knows a lot of chicks and has a lot of sex. Spoiler alert: Men who say things like that definitely don't have a lot of sex.
When Kaitlyn walks through the door, he pulls her aside to talk to her. He addresses her toast to honesty, and follows that with low blows like, "I feel like you're here to make out with a bunch of guys on national TV," and "It's not Nick's intentions I question, it's yours." Then comes the real zinger, "I came here to fall in love with a woman who was broken-hearted by Chris Soules, and I got the one who told him he could plow her field."
Ian, if you're reading this, I have a couple of pointers. One, being a jerk to women is probably why you're single. Also, the reason you might be having so much sex is because you're looking for women with broken hearts. You're welcome.
As a refresher, Kupah, Tony and Clint have all gone home after saying terrible things to Kaitlyn, so I'm going to have to assume this is the last we'll see of Ian, the Princeton graduate, model who defied death, world traveler with hot ex-girlfriends who has a lot of sex and wants to be the next Bachelor (in case you forgot).
We end with "to be continued" and the preview that next week is the pre-fantasy suite sex confession. I can't wait.
ELIMINATED
Ryan, the hot hipster Realtor
Corey, with an "e"
Jonathan, the pool boy from "Legally Blonde"
LINE OF THE NIGHT For the second week in a row, Joe gets it, and I hope he didn't go to the University of Kentucky at the same time I did because we should just be best friends. When they're performing their mariachi songs, he says, "Kaitlyn, will you Mariachi me?"
My Hometown Guesses:
Shawn B., because Kaitlyn is clearly about physicality and very attracted to him.
Ben Z., because she is clearly about physicality and very attracted to him.
Ben H., because he turned the charm on in episode four, which is usually telling. Also, he was great on their second one-on-one date.
Joe, because he's from Kentucky, she already saw his man parts and he's funny.