As the show begins, we return to the mansion, where we are reminded that Kaitlyn is super-angry with Clint, the guy who drew a poster of Chris Harrison as a triceratops, for being "one of the biggest douches in 'Bachelor' history."
Her words, not mine.
Of course, as she is seeking him out, he is telling the rest of the guys that while they had a minor issue, he totally fixed it. What is with these guys, running home from dates to talk trash with their dude friends? They're worse than girls are.
Anyway, Kaitlyn pulls him aside and tells the camera, "This is not someone I want to marry." Clint tells us that he is confident he can pull the power moves. When Kaitlyn confronts him about not being liked in the house, he responds with, "JJ and I have grown very close. Very, very, very, very close."
Her appropriate response: "This isn't about your relationship with JJ, this is about you."
Clint stutters through a defense while I stare at Kaitlyn's new lips. He asks, "So, you're done with me?" and she says, "I'm done." They argue their way back to the mansion, which is weird for people who have known each other less than 30 days, and then she tells the rest of the men that she is sending him home and they should say their goodbyes.
JJ, being this season's jerk, interrupts her and taps Clint on the shoulder, asking him to apologize to the rest of the guys. Clearly, this is a jerk move, especially after having developed such a connection, and everyone reacts as such.
Clint makes his way to the door. JJ follows him out and they get in each other's faces. Like, I've never seen two men so close to each other without kissing. Clint calls JJ a "piece of s**t." A lot of other vulgar words are bleeped out before he drops the mic with, "Hey, that tie goes really well with that shirt" and slams the door. Sick burn, bro.
Kaitlyn holds her fingers up as a peace sign and says, "Toodaloo, Clint." I wonder if that's a Canadian thing.
We spend the next good three minutes watching JJ lock himself into a dark room and ugly cry, presumably because Clint left.
Tanner, whose most memorable attribute so far is that Britt called him "Smiley," makes a few hilarious bromance jokes to the camera before Kaitlyn returns to the cocktail party. When Chris Harrison arrives, we expect there will be a rose ceremony, but alas, Kaitlyn tells him she's not made up her mind. This is getting kind of redundant. Kaitlyn, you have one job and you are not doing it.
Since it's now an early night, Harrison lets the group know that tomorrow, they are heading on a journey around the world…that begins in New York City. I laugh out loud, because a trip to New York from L.A. is hardly a journey around the world and more like a long weekend trip for most people.
When they get to New York, the guys immediately jump on their hotel beds and head to the rooftop where they collectively yell, "New York City!" Because that's what bros do.
Shawn B. and his fancy socks say something unimportant to the camera and I wonder how none of you mentioned how sexy his voice is yet?
FIRST GROUP DATE
Justin, whose most notable attribute to date is that he's a fitness trainer who got out of the limo with balloons, reads the group date card, which says, "Jonathan, Justin, Ben Z. Corey, Ryan, Tanner, JJ and Shawn. Let's keep our love fresh… Love, Kaitlyn."
It is blatantly visible that no one wants JJ to participate, because each dude cheers after all of the names read, except his. Also, it appears Justin is now the one with the black eye, so I'm curious if these guys are fighting each other at night to prepare for Kaitlyn's idea of a date.
As the men arrive, this group date begins with Kaitlyn alerting the group she is a huge hip-hop fan, so of course, Doug E. Fresh is introduced as the mentor for this date.
Doug E. Fresh enters the room rapping "Loddi Doddi," followed by "Teach Me How to Dougie." Naturally, Jonathan, the pool boy from "Legally Blonde," raps along, knowing all of the lyrics. The Caucasian men in the group date awkwardly sway from side to side.
Shawn B. is the most nervous, as he is from Nashville and listens to the likes of Blake Shelton. He says, "I'm going to have to learn to Dougie in the next 15 minutes," which makes me laugh. I think I have a crush on Shawn B. now, too, if you couldn't tell.
Fresh (calling him Doug doesn't seem very gangster) tells us that they are going to perform a rap battle in front of a live audience. We learn quickly that the battles will be: Shawn B. vs. Justin, Corey vs. JJ, Ben vs. Tanner and Jonathan vs. Ryan.
While he certainly isn't Papa Doc in "8 Mile," Corey, with an e, destroys it in his battle with JJ. In typical JJ fashion, his lyrics include, "Go back to your New York City hoes," in a room filled with New York City women. He is deservedly booed, but probably took it as a compliment.
Shawn B. raps something strange, but shows his abs and Kaitlyn reminds us that is important to her. "I forgot everything Shawn said when he flashed his abs," she says.
When the date is over, Kaitlyn learns that Ashley I., who we referred to as Kardashian last season, was at the show. When Kaitlyn goes to say hello, she sees that Nick, from Andi's season, is also in attendance. I am pretty sure he's still wearing the same hoodie from that season, but she doesn't seem to notice.
This really excites her, and she cannot hide that from us or from him. They leave the actual date she is supposed to be on to talk, and are informed that after watching Prince Farming's season, Nick tweeted Kaitlyn some "very kind words" and they had "a handful of really nice conversations."
As they sit down to talk, Nick confesses, "The idea that you could potentially get engaged without having met me kinda bugged me. I just figured, listen, I would totally regret it if I didn't try." And Kaitlyn asks if he is going to stay. When he says that's her call, she says she has to think about it.
Kaitlyn sits in a stairwell next to a wet mop, and that has to be a well-placed metaphor by an angry producer.
COCKTAIL PARTY
As the group date cocktail party begins, Shawn B. asks Kaitlyn if she is OK, to which she responds, "no."
After apologizing for all of the drama this season, she explains that Nick, from Andi's season, was also on their group date that night, and that he expressed interest in staying and competing this season. Side note: If I'm the next Bachelorette, I hope Cory with no e decides to randomly show up around week four.
Dramatic music plays as the men on the group date ask Kaitlyn if she's not confident in what she already has established with those still there. Shawn B. asks for another cocktail, Jonathan, the pool boy from "Legally Blonde" asks for time to process.
Kaitlyn grabs her white wine spritzer to walk outside, while Ben H., who finally made a statement by turning sperm into a love story, tells everyone else that Nick, from Andi's season, was a jerk to Andi by making her feel bad for being too intimate during her season.
This is kind of funny, as Kaitlyn is all about the intimacy. Also, I'm curious about how many dudes actually watch this show as religiously as I do, because these guys certainly seem to know a lot.
Kaitlyn walks to the end of the dock, where Nick is standing alone waiting for her -- while she's on a date. After he tells her she needs to do what makes her happy, they make out.
She tells him she wants to sleep on it, and I assume this is an invitation. Also, this is the second time Kaitlyn has left a group date to make out with someone not on that date.
Back at the hotel, the six men who aren't on the group date are all sitting very close to each other on one couch, and it's as funny to watch as it is to write. The one-on-one date card arrives and Ian reads, "Jared, let's re-imagine the night we first met… Kaitlyn."
As Kaitlyn returns to the group date, Justin is the only one who tells her that it's up to her. Naturally, he gets the group date rose.
Tanner is very unhappy, which I think will be important to know in the next episode.
As the men from the group date get back to the hotel to share the news with those waiting, I'm again shocked by how many of them know about past seasons. More than one of them know about Nick, from Andi's season, and why he is a "villain."
As we see b-roll of overcast clouds and snow, with the show's notorious dramatic music playing in the background, Kaitlyn calls Nick and says she wants to talk, inviting him to join her at her hair appointment.
After telling us that she seriously needs to talk to someone about how she is feeling, we learn that Ashley S., the one who loved a good white wine and sleeping pill cocktail from Prince Farming's season, is, naturally, her hairstylist. What do you guys think the over/under is on how many people from Chris Soules' season are going to make guest appearances?
Ashley S. still looks like she's super-confused by life, and tells Kaitlyn her relationship with Nick is just lust. I wonder: what does she think the rest of the relationships Kaitlyn has in week four revolve around? But then I remember who we're dealing with.
Kaitlyn leaves the salon, with a side braid that I could have done with my eyes closed, to meet Nick who she invites to stay for the season. She should have just paid the $40 for a Mai Tai at DryBar. Probably would have had better conversation.
They make out again, meaning he's been here less than 24 hours and gotten farther than Joshua, the Industrial Welder.
ONE ON ONE DATE
Jared "Love Man" arrives in a limo to the MET, wearing the tux he stole from his job as a valet car parker. Kaitlyn greets him walking down the stairs in a black gown.
They have a private dinner as it rains outside, and this is the most romantic date we've seen this season. Kaitlyn totally ruins it by immediately asking him how he feels about Nick. He does an exceptional job by reminding her that they don't get to spend a lot of time together, so he'd prefer to talk about their relationship. Well done, Love Man.
At the hotel, they are still talking about Nick until the date card arrives.
Ryan, the hot hipster Realtor, grabs the card and shares, "Ian, Chris, Joe, Joshua, Ben H. Let's play! Kaitlyn."
During dinner at the MET, Jared reads a poem that he had written for her and, well, they make out. I'm miffed for a minute, because poems ruin everything. He gets the rose, and they read a note from Chris Harrison that the night doesn't have to end there.
They take a limo to a helicopter and I wonder if tonight is the night she has pre-fantasy-suite-sex because, romance. As they fly over New York City and the Statue of Liberty, he thanks her for bringing him on this date, and I am swooning so hard I need my weekly "Bachelorette" cocktail. Even though his patchwork facial hair ruins most of the romance.
Back at the hotel, before leaving for the second group date, Kaitlyn tells the group that Nick, from Andi's season, will be moving into the hotel tonight and will be a part of the rose ceremony. Exactly how a date should start -- by telling your suitor(s) you're seeing another man.
The date begins at the New Amsterdam Theater. A couple dressed as Aladdin and Jasmine serenades us with "A Whole New World."
We are informed that the date is a live Broadway audition, meaning they each have to sing and dance for professionals. Whoever is selected as the winner will play Kaitlyn's love interest in tonight's Broadway play.
Watching this audition is hilarious and I never want it to end. A bunch of bros auditioning for Broadway should be a TV show in itself. You're welcome, Hollywood.
Chris, the dentist who arrived in a cupcake costume, and his animated performance wins him a spot on Broadway with Kaitlyn, as the rest of the men go back to the hotel.
In costume backstage, they make out until it's time to perform. I'm exhausted and thirsty watching her kiss all of these men. I don't know how she does it.
The next scene opens with Nick dragging his suitcase through Times Square, while the men at the hotel continue to speak of him. Kaitlyn and Chris climb to the top of One Times Square to see the New Year's Eve ball. Kaitlyn gives him the rose and they make out. That should be the title of this season's recaps.
At the hotel, we awkwardly take the elevator ride up to the seventh floor with Nick, bad music and a confused bellboy.
The last scene of the show is Nick walking into the hotel room. As we hear him ask, "What's up, guys?" the show ends. With no rose ceremony. Again.
As the credits roll, we get to see Britt and Brady walking arm-in-arm along the beach, "validating" that their "relationship" is "real." Britt shares that she is excited to introduce him to her family, so spoiler alert for next week.
Where there will hopefully be a rose ceremony.
ELIMINATED
Clint, the guy who drew a poster of Chris Harrison as a triceratops, was sent home.
LINE OF THE NIGHT Joe, when learning that he has to audition for a Broadway musical, asks, "Theaters? We don't have theaters in Kentucky."
My Hometown Guesses:
Shawn B., because Kaitlyn is clearly about physicality and very attracted to him
Ben Z., because Kaitlyn is clearly about physicality and very attracted to him
Ben H., because he turned the charm on in episode four, which is usually telling
Joe, because he's from Kentucky and Kaitlyn already saw his man parts