'The Bachelorette' recap: Chad brings the drama on 'The Men Tell All'
For The Baltimore Sun|
Jul 27, 2016 | 9:06 AM
Tonight is the crowd favorite episode — "The Men Tell All" — where many of the season's rejects return to the small screen to face one another and JoJo. I've been watching this stupid show for 10 years, and this is definitely the most excited I've ever been for this episode because we were given quite the gift of a villain this season. And he's back tonight.
If you haven't been paying attention to Chad on Twitter and Snapchat, you are missing out because he is legitimately insane. During a commercial, I took a break to watch what he'd posted to Snapchat tonight and it was a video of him standing outside, smoking a cigarette provocatively and dancing to Fifth Harmony. Gold.
ABC knows he's going to be the star of tonight's show, so they begin the episode with him arriving in a private black car at the studio, where a trailer, with his name on it, is waiting for him. Literally, the door is covered by a gold star with, "Chad" written across it. I've been to the Men Tell All, and the contestants normally arrive together on a party bus and none of them have personal trailers. So like I said, ABC is banking on Chad's crazy, and rightfully so.
After Chris Harrison's greeting and promise for "the most dramatic 'Men Tell All' ever", we are made privy to the full promo for "Bachelor in Paradise." Its highlights include Chad, this season's villain, telling Chris Harrison to [expletive] off; Ashley I., otherwise known as Kardashian from Chris Soules' season, crying 109 times; Caila, who should just spell her name Kayla like a normal person from Ben Higgins' season; Jared, "Love Man" from Kaitlyn Bristowe's season and last season of Bachelor in Paradise, falling in love; and a teaser of multiple proposals — including one from Nick Viall, which would make this the third time he's proposed to someone on this franchise. I don't even have to write a joke about this because he is the joke.
Chris Harrison re-introduces this season's discards, who have agreed to appear on TV for just five more minutes of "fame" — James S, "Bachelor Superfan" who was sent home the second week, making him terrible at his "job;" Grant, the firefighter who is actually probably a stripper who dresses up like a firefighter; Ali, who I'm pretty sure likes other men; Brandon, the professional "hipster;" Christian, who I actually remember nothing about; Nick B., who showed up to the mansion in a Santa Clause costume; Derek, who has a fear of cucumbers I still need to know about; James F., who smiles with his mouth closed, which freaks me out; Daniel, the male model who doesn't look like a male model; Jonathan, who was sent home night one so is actually very seriously there for five more minutes of fame; Vinny, the Barber who shouldn't call himself a barber until he has his hair fixed; Evan, the erectile dysfunction specialist; Wells, who brings All-4-One on dates; James Taylor, a singer/songwriter named James Taylor; Alex, who is the same size as JoJo; Chase, the guy who has gotten through life (and this season) by doing everything he's supposed to and nothing more; and Luke, a man who believes unicorns are real.
Chris Harrison says, "Obviously there is one person missing. Don't worry, 'The Chad' is here and will be joining us later." I make it a life goal to be nicknamed "The Abby."
When the crowd cheers for Chad, Wells, who brings All-4-One on dates says, "No. Don't do that. Don't cheer for him," and I learn later on Twitter that the men had named Wells tonight's spokesperson. I learned this from Chad, so obviously it's true.
We are shown a highlight reel of this seasons "drama," which emphasized Chad being an enormous meathead who was hated among the other suitors, Alex as the instigator and Derek as the guy who got the pity rose.
Chris Harrison asks Derek, who has a fear of cucumbers that I still need to know about, right away why there was a problem in the house with Alex, who is the same size as JoJo. This turns into a lot of dudes trying to talk over each other, but basically what they come up with is that Alex thrives on conflict because of his military background, and when Chad left the house he had no one to fight with so he made problems up. I don't know which one of these singer/songwriter/professional hipster/fake firefighters has a psychology major, but that's deep.
Wells, tonight's apparent spokesperson, finally says, "Let's not talk about Chad if Chad's not here," which clearly means after the commercial break, Chad will take the stage. Get your popcorn ready, because this is as amazing as I'd hoped.
Chad steps out of his fake trailer wearing all black and makes his way into the studio. We hear him say, "[Expletive] all these dudes," as he is welcomed by a cheering audience of fans and this season's contestants, who are absolutely not Chad fans.
He is followed by a security guard who is the same size as Alex, who is the same size as JoJo, wearing sunglasses that look like they were just purchased on Hollywood Boulevard 10 minutes prior. Because, you know, Chad is dangerous.
As Chad takes the stage, the other former suitors immediately attack him and his character. Chad claims he has dirt on Wells, who brings All-4-One on dates and James Taylor, the singer/songwriter named James Taylor, before Grant, the firefighter who is actually probably a stripper who dresses up like a firefighter, interjects to accuse him of being a bad dude, as seen in his actions since leaving the show. Apparently these actions include Chad dating exes of Grant, Wells and Robby. The final, Chaddocumented on Instagram.
Chad responds in all seriousness by saying, "Well Daryl…" which is clearly not Grant's name, and I laugh so loudly I think I Baltimore heard me all the way from Los Angeles. I've said this all season long: I just want to have brunch with Chad where we get drunk and make fun of everyone together.
Chris Harrison asks Chad if it's true that he's dated all of these women, and Chad doesn't deny it. While I continue to yearn for Chad's friendship, the audience boos him. People are the worst.
Chad says that he pursued these women because he wanted to show them that there are good guys in the world unlike their ex-boyfriends ,who left them to go on a reality TV show for fake fame. See, you guys, Chad's just here to help.
At this point, Nick B., who showed up to the mansion in a Santa Clause costume, stands up to take his sport coat off and says, "Chris [Harrison]! This is the same egotistical B.S. that we had to listen to all season. Chad's really good at issuing threats but not following through."
With a confused look on his hilarious face, Chad asks, "Wait, are you just trying to get some air time, dude? You wanna fight me?" to which Nick B. responds, "Any time, any place." Someone makes a joke about the security guard, and I hope it was Wells.
Dudes spend a lot of time threatening to beat each other up. Why not just passive aggressively subtweet each other like women do?
Derek, who has a fear of cucumbers I still need to know about, is next to try and call Chad out for being a villain, and Chad simply states, "Your pocket square doesn't match your shirt." Chad is my friend/soul mate.
Chris Harrison asks Chad what his feelings are about the two finalists competing to find love on national television in 10 weeks: Jordan, the "former professional quarterback" who should really just say, "I'm Aaron Rodgers' brother", and Robby, the former professional swimmer who used hashtags in his bio.
Chad claims Jordan is only there for media attention and cites his new sports casting job. He goes on to say that Robby isn't upset about Chad dating his ex-girlfriend. I'm assuming it's because he's about to call Robby gay, but apparently it's because Robby has threatened his ex about doing press. The rest of the men react with gasps and claim that Chad made that up but, like, if you think about it, Chad has been totally transparent even when it's not in his favor.
The next topic for Chad is ripping the shirt of Evan, the erectile dysfunction specialist. Chad reacts with, "Oh yeah, the v-nizzle," and, you guys, this is basically the Chad show that I really hope happens.
Chris Harrison replays the tape of what went down not once but three times before the audience agrees that Evan pushed Chad, provoking the shirt tear. The men are clearly disappointed in this, but remember, Chad is a self-proclaimed jerk because men who are nice to women actually are the jerks and the jerks are actually the good guys, or so he says.
Chris Harrison finishes the interview with Chad by asking him if there is anything he regrets. Chad leans forward and says, "Sometimes you choose apples when you should have chosen pickles, you know what I mean?" Chris Harrison replies with, "I've never heard that one before."
I get it, Chad. I get it.
Luke, a man who believes unicorns are real, is next in the "hot seat," and before he's grilled, we are reminded of his time on the show. Basically this interview is his final audition to be the next Bachelor, with the, "If the opportunity to fall in love presents itself, will you take it?" question ending we all hoped for.
When Luke's audition is over, Chase, the guy who has gotten through life (and this season) by doing everything he's supposed to and nothing more, is next to the couch. We re-watch his time on the show, including the night that he made it to the fantasy suite only to be sent home. He tells us that he's looking for closure, so of course, JoJo takes the stage.
With a ridiculous amount of Vaseline on her teeth, JoJo tells us she's doing "OK" which isn't a great endorsement for next week. I wonder if it's because she was given an engagement ring as horrible as Jade's.
JoJo tells Luke that he was too late to say the word "love," and he thanks her for allowing him to love her because this is his Bachelor audition. Chase approaches her next, and they have a boring conversation, obviously because Chase is the guy who has gotten through life (and this season) by doing everything he's supposed to and nothing more. Where is Chad when I need him?
James Taylor, the singer/songwriter named James Taylor, raises his hand to tell JoJo that she looks beautiful and that she was the complete package of a woman to date. James Taylor is probably one of those guys that rescues animals and teaches Sunday school.
Then, my man Chad asks if he can "say words" to JoJo and when granted permission, starts with, "'Sup?" He continues with, "I want to say it was great to get to meet you. I do wish you the best of luck, but obviously we know that Robby broke up with his girlfriend days before filming in order to be on the show with you and that Jordan is a liar and a cheater whose own older brother won't even talk to him. So I do wish you the best of luck in your relationship endeavors."
As she rolls her eyes, Chris Harrison asks, "No response?" to which she claims, "Oh, I could go off right now." The audience encourages her to do so but she says she won't because he's not worth it. She accuses him of always wanting to be the center of attention, which is hilarious because she's on "The Bachelor" franchise for the second time. She concludes with, "He's not even worth my breath," and after a season of boring Ben and now insecure JoJo, I really hope the next Bachelor is ridiculous. You know, like Chad.
The rejected suitors give her a standing ovation and chant, "That's our Bachelorette" which seems really strange to me because, like, she broke up with all of you.
JoJo thanks them all, except for Chad, for being so respectful of her even after they left the show.
Chris Harrison asks the men if they have anything else to say and Alex, who is the same size as JoJo, says something forgettable; Derek, who has a fear of cucumbers I still need to know about, makes JoJo tell the world that he isn't the wimp he was made out to be, which actually makes him a bigger wimp; and Vinny, the barber who shouldn't call himself a barber until he has his hair fixed, whines about not having a cocktail party in Uruguay, which is annoying.
As he's complaining, a very spray-tanned woman from the audience interrupts him to tell JoJo she missed out on a great guy. Apparently this is Vinny's mother, and now everything about Vinny and his hair makes sense. JoJo tells the world that Vinny was like her best friend in the house, and with that, Vinny hears what every man hopes to never hear. And on national TV.
Vinny's mom then screams that he's still single if anyone is ready to date him, and I'm embarrassed for him for more reasons now then just his haircut.
The episode ends with bloopers from the season and another preview of next week's finale — the most dramatic ever, of course.
LINE OF THE NIGHT
"Sometimes you choose apples when you should have chosen pickles, you know what I mean?" — Chad
I think the finale is going to be a drawn out continuation of hometowns with JoJo doubting Robby because of the drama with his ex and questioning Jordan's intentions and commitment. I think she'll go with Jordan because she still hasn't met Aaron Rodgers. I give their relationship seven months, tops.