The episode begins with Kaitlyn waking up in full makeup, with freshly plumped lips and a blowout, because that's how all women wake up. After gazing longingly out of her bedroom window, she makes her way to the kitchen, where Chris Harrison shows up unannounced.
They talk about what it feels like to be the Bachelorette, and then we head to the mansion.
As the men arrive at the mansion for the first time, they stand around the island with mimosas in hand, because that's the drink of choice for adult men. Kupah, the 32-year-old with chin fuzz and earrings, toasts a room full of men competing to marry the same woman, wishing them not as much luck as he will have.
In true frat house fashion, the guys take their mimosas outside, where they compare the size of their… just kidding; they take turns confessing if they voted for Britt or Kaitlyn to be the Bachelorette, which is equally as important.
Before we actually get to watch the winning Bachelorette begin her journey to find love, we are brought to Britt's hotel room as she prepares to head back to Hollywood Boulevard for work. As is typical for Britt, she begins ugly-crying in less than 10 seconds and calls her mom to tell her she is coming home, as though she has to travel farther than a few miles down the 405.
There is a knock on the door, and surprise! Brady, the guy who told Kaitlyn he needed to leave because his heart belongs to Britt, is here.
She eagerly lets him into the hotel room, where he says, "I thought maybe after last night, you could use a hug." I'm proud because he clearly did his research and understands the value of a free hug to Britt.
Now that we have been updated on Britt, who isn't the actual Bachelorette, we are taken to the mansion, where Chris Harrison is wearing a bright purple collared shirt with zippered pockets, distracting me from what he was saying so much that I had to rewind.
Chris and his ridiculous shirt let the men know that this week they can expect three dates -- two group dates and the first one-on-one.
FIRST DATE CARD
Joshua, the industrial welder, picks up the card and reads, "'Daniel, Justin, Jared, Cory, Tanner, Kupah, Ben H, and Ben Z.,' Kaitlyn writes, 'I see this ending with a ring.'" I start to wonder what the brainstorming meetings look like for these date cards because they get betterevery season -- and by "better" I mean more and more like Laffy Taffy jokes.
At this point, it is made evident that JJ, whose job title has "former" in it, so he's probably unemployed, is this season's a--hole, as he tells us, "I see zero competition on that date."
FIRST GROUP DATE
To let us know that this date involves boxing, the intro is Kaitlyn wearing a boxing robe, dramatically punching steamy air in front of her. As she explains to the contestants what today's date looks like, we learn that Laila Ali is here.
Because of course she is.
Laila teaches them the boxing basics, then breaks them into groups to practice jabbing and hooking. The most notable thing at this point is that Kupah, the 32-year-old with chin fuzz and earrings, is very clearly more interested in Laila than in Kaitlyn.
After they've practiced, we learn that for this date, they are going to fight each other in a boxing tournament to impress Kaitlyn enough for a rose. I've never seen a more literal metaphor for this show's premise.
The boxing match begins with Chris Harrison as the ringleader (again, literal metaphor) announcing the event to a group of random girls standing outside the ring cheering for him. I wonder how I missed the call for stand-ins, because I should have been there.
Daniel, a fashion designer from Tennessee, and Ben Z., a personal trainer who is still very much living in his high-school-glory football playing days, fight first. These guys immediately start punching each other as hard as they can. A fashion designer fighting a fitness trainer is as uncomfortable to watch as it sounds. I hate this group date already.
After another five minutes of watching men aggressively punch each other in the face for the attention of a woman dating 20 other dudes, we learn that Ben Z. and Jared ("Love Man") made it to the final round.
Ben Z. lets us know that Jared could beat him, but he can't let that happen because his football buddies would never let him live that down, thus confirming that his high school football days will forever be his greatest feat. If you remember, I called this during the first five minutes of episode one, thank you very much.
Ben Z. does not let his football buddies down, as he knocks Jared to the ground with a blow to his chiseled jawline. Jared has to go to the hospital. This is actually the worst date I've ever witnessed, and I've seen Tinder first dates.
After the TKO, it's time for a cocktail -- for them and for me. As they're reminiscing about their terrible day, Kaitlyn pulls Ben Z. aside, and they talk about how he was "just in the zone," hence the reason Jared is in the hospital. They banter back and forth about loving to cook, and the dramatic music starts playing so we know something sad is coming. Ben Z. shares that his mom died when he was 14, because that's a natural transition from his affection for the kitchen.
Justin, whose most notable attribute to date is that he's a fitness trainer who got out of the limo with balloons, randomly tells Kaitlyn that he has a son named Aurelius, and that's almost as good as Mackenzie's kid, Kale, from last season. I think I'd have to send him home because I'd be afraid I wouldn't know how to correctly spell his kid's name, but that's just me.
While Daniel, the fashion designer from Tennessee, is talking to Kaitlyn during their private time, a random man all in black delivers Kaitlyn a note. When she opens it, she sees, "Come downstairs right now. I need to see you." Which seems dramatic, but this is "The Bachelorette" we're discussing.
Kaitlyn does not hesitate to just bounce on Daniel and head outside immediately, where she is greeted by Jared ("Love Man"), who was apparently just released from the hospital after being knocked out in a boxing match against another man who is trying to marry her. He takes her on a short walk up Hollywood Boulevard before they make out on the Walk of Stars
Everything that has happened on this group date is my worst nightmare.
Back at the mansion, the men who aren't on the date are hanging out, and JJ is still running his mouth. When the bell rings, Ryan B., the hipster-looking Realtor, grabs the date card and reads it aloud. It says, "Clint, you take my breath away, Kaitlyn."
JJ runs his mouth some more and we go back to the group date.
As we finish the group date, Kaitlyn grabs the rose and gives it to Ben Z. -- even after she just made out with the guy he sent to the hospital. They kiss for a while and from what I've gathered so far, Kaitlyn is making decisions based on what these guys look like. I feel like Tinder would be much easier, girl.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Kaitlyn and Clint, the guy who drew a poster of Chris Harrison as a triceratops, drive in a tiny red Mercedes to a villa in the hills for an underwater photo shoot. I try to imagine proposing this date idea to a guy I'm interested in seducing and actually laugh out loud.
While Kaitlyn and Clint get ready for whatever the hell an underwater photo shoot is, back at the mansion, Tony the healer is going on a tangent about how he doesn't agree with the boxing date because the reason they are there is for love, and love is selfless and given, not competed for.
He then continues to define love. "Love is about being present, love is about connection, love is about discussion, love is about ideas, possibilities and dreams. Love is as perennial as the grass." I have absolutely no idea what "love is as perennial as the grass" means, but I am going to assume Tony the healer is one of those guys that calls sex "lovemaking" and in the middle of it, looks into his lover's eyes and whispers, "hi."
Outside of the pool, Clint and Kaitlyn hold hands and jump into the water to start their photo shoot, which, as you likely guessed, turns into them kissing. Kaitlyn tells us that she's never had a first kiss underwater, and I'd like to know who can say they have, because that seems strange.
SECOND GROUP DATE
Back at the mansion, the date card arrives, and Ben Z shares, in a very animated way, "Startin' out with JJ, followed by Jonathan, Joshua and Chris, Ian, Joe, and last but not least, Tony. I'm lookin' for a man that would stand up for me… Kaitlyn."
JJ continues to be an a--hole, Tony continues to be a healer and the guys guess that they're going to be performing stand-up. I hope so, because that sounds like the perfect date in my opinion. Future suitors, take note.
Kaitlyn and Clint have dried off and are enjoying dinner. Kaitlyn says "stoked" and gives him a rose while they make out. Kaitlyn has gotten more action in the last two days that I have in the last two years.
SECOND GROUP DATE
We learn that it is, in fact, stand-up comedy, and Kaitlyn walks into The Improv in Hollywood. When she gets inside, she is greeted by Amy Schumer and I fan-girl immediately.
JJ continues to run his mouth.
As Kaitlyn introduces the date and Amy Schumer to the guys, Amy asks them to tell their best joke. I want to call everyone I used to work with, because that was my ice-breaker in meetings, so Amy and I are basically twins.
Nicky Glaser, Rachel Feinstein and Bridget Everett are also at The Improv to help coach the guys. This is the best date I've ever been on and I'm not even there.
JJ continues to run his mouth. Towson alum Amy Schumer blatantly makes fun of him to his face, while he totally misses it. On her camera brief, she says, "JJ's got it all going for him. Except charisma and humility and a sense of humor." Boom.
The amateur night starts with Amy Schumer introducing the contestants' performances as they all nervously look on. I would break them down, but none of them are memorable enough to share.
After the comedy show, they head out for cocktails and Kaitlyn spends one-on-one time with each of them. Joshua, the industrial welder, makes her laugh. I'm pretty sure Tony the healer confuses her when he compares her to a combination lock. Somehow, JJ makes her swoon with stories of his 3-year-old daughter before they make out. Then she closes the night by making out with Joe, the five-head from Kentucky.
Kaitlyn gives JJ the rose, and I'm disappointed that I have to listen to him for another week.
COCKTAIL PARTY
After Kaitlyn greets the group, JJ stops running his mouth for a second, but only to request she go outside with him. This obviously upsets the rest of the house; we spend the next several minutes hearing about what a jerk JJ is.
Ian, who looks like the guy who was sleeping with Olivia Pope before she found out he tried to kill Scott Foley, tells Kaitlyn he wants to "speed date." He gives her his elevator speech, leading up to the car accident and the revelation that he can do anything he puts his mind to, and right now that is being with her. Then, you guessed it, they make out.
JJ continues to run his mouth and Tony loses it, which doesn't seem to fit into his whole healer-Zen lifestyle persona, but everyone has their breaking point.
Kupah, the 32-year-old with chin fuzz and earrings, pulls Kaitlyn aside and tells her that he doesn't know if there is a connection. She reminds him about the lack of attention from the boxing date and heckles him about focusing on Laila.
He tells Kaitlyn that he doesn't want to be there if he is just fulfilling a minority quota, and we are at our first argument of the season. This season is clearly going to be accelerated. She tells him that she felt a connection until this point, and I kind of love that Kaitlyn is so brazen.
Kupah leaves that conversation and immediately goes outside to tell the other men exactly what happened -- quite loudly -- and Kaitlyn overhears him. When he tells them, "I flew 3,000 miles for this," she walks over to pull him aside and tell him she'd like him to leave.
He argues with her and says he thinks it would work because she's hot, which is how most people justify maintaining a relationship, right? After a few more minutes of arguing, he finally agrees to go home. During his exit interview, he goes off on the camera crew and we see "To Be Continued…" across the screen. What the hell, ABC?
During the closing credits, we get to see Britt and Brady officially becoming "boyfriend" and "girlfriend," which proves Kaitlyn's season is way better than Britt's.
ELIMINATED
Kupah, the 32-year-old with chin fuzz and earrings, who was sent home before the rose ceremony
KAITLYN'S LINE OF THE NIGHT "Do you like to draw dinosaurs often?"