'The Bachelorette' premiere recap: JoJo meets the guys

We already have an opinion on who each of these men are, but as always, we are given teasers into some of this season's contestants before we meet them one by one. Tonight, we are privy to:

Grant, a firefighter from San Francisco, who says, "I hope that JoJo is the one that lights my fire." Get it? Because he's a firefighter.

Jordan, the "former professional quarterback" who should really just say, "I'm Aaron Rodgers' brother." Within 10 seconds, he mentions that he is the brother of Aaron Rodgers, so we know that's not going away. He then says, "I'm hoping I'm going to be JoJo's number one draft pick" in case we forgot for a second that he used to play football.

Alex, who made it very clear in his ABC bio that he is a manly man despite being the same size as JoJo, rides around on a motorcycle before walking up a steep hill in camouflage. Because he's a manly man.

James S., whose career is "Bachelor Superfan" is introduced by running up the side of a mountain, posing and telling the cameras, "this is my favorite 'Bachelor' shot" before doing pushups on a rock. James S. claims that each season of watching this franchise, he hosts a "watch party" and everyone competes by filling out a bracket. The camera then shows the "watch party," which includes him, another dude, a small child and an annoyed female. As he's packing, he looks at a signed photograph of Chris Harrison and asks it if he should bring the gray or blue button down shirt. So basically this guy lives at home, is unemployed, and has sent an application into this show for the last seven years.

Evan, the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist, tells us that he used to be a pastor and despite leaving that profession he knew he wanted to continue to help people. So he became an Erectile Dysfunction Specialist. He says, "It's a hard business," and I laugh out loud. He follows that with "I got my mojo for JoJo" and I'm guessing one of his "patients" gave him that one.

Ali, who I'm pretty sure likes other men, is introduced while playing the piano and then reading a book while cuddling with a small white dog. So … yeah.

After those teasers, we are taken back to the mansion, where all of this season's contestants will be introduced to JoJo — and more importantly, to us — for the first time.

I usually am annoyed by the over-the-top limo exits, but these dudes left little to be desired. Like, remember when Chris showed up as a cupcake and Clint brought a drawing of Chris Harrison as a triceratops?

First out of the limo is Jordan, the "former professional quarterback" who should really just say, "I'm Aaron Rodgers' brother," and anyone who has ever seen this show knew that was going to happen. He does nothing exciting. Probably because he's never had to.

Derek, who has a fear of cucumbers I still need to know about, does absolutely nothing memorable.

Grant, the firefighter who is actually probably a stripper who dresses up like a firefighter, tells JoJo, "I'm not going to do what Ben did to you last season. I'm not going to fall in love with two girls, I'm going to fall in love with you." I always think its weird when the contestants talk about the show's new star's prior season. Like, don't bring up that I was dumped on national television within a minute of meeting me, bro.

James F., who smiles with his mouth closed which freaks me out, says, "I can't speak for the other guys in the house, but I didn't come here for a rose I came here for a relationship," which doesn't really make sense since he's on "The Bachelorette," where the rose is kind of important.

Robby, the former competitive swimmer who used a hashtag in his bio, approaches JoJo with a bottle of wine telling her, "I come bearing gifts. Do you accept this bottle of wine?" When she says yes, he responds with, "In true Fletcher tradition, who needs glasses?" before encouraging her to drink straight from the bottle. If you remember, last season when Ben met JoJo's parents, her mom chugged wine straight from the bottle. JoJo's brothers are probably not entertained.

Alex, who is the same size as JoJo, says he's very nervous and that's literally it.

Will gets out of the limo with note cards in his hand. As he starts to walk he "drops" them. After picking them up, he tells her he was so nervous he needed note cards but they're probably out of order now. He reads them, saying "JoJo I just want to say that there is no doubt in my mind that I am the most beautiful woman in the world." That was dumb but at least there was an effort, unlike these other dudes.

Chad, the guy who used "alright, alright, alright" more than once in his bio, gets out of the limo and everything about their first interaction implies that they want to head directly to the Fantasy Suite. I'm guessing Chad is the guy she has the "physical connection" with this season.

Daniel, the male model who doesn't look like a male model, says, "Dammmnnn JoJo" and now I really hope he leaves because the Damn Daniel joke needs to be over.

Ali doesn't really know what to do with himself. Probably because he doesn't know if he likes women or not.

James Taylor, the singer-songwriter who is named James Taylor, steps out of the limo with a guitar and sings to JoJo. Obviously. James Taylor better stick around because he is making my job very easy.

Jonathan is next, and he is wearing a kilt. He says, "I am half Asian, half Scottish, but lucky for me I am Scottish below the waist." What I'm assuming he's implying is that she doesn't have to worry that what's under his kilt is small. He also tells her he's not wearing any panties, so Jonathan really likes to talk about his "below the waist" area. Also, I didn't know men wore "panties."

When Jonathan walks into the mansion wearing a kilt, we get to see our first glimpse into bro-bashing. At this moment, I know we're in for an entertaining season. Thank goodness, because boring Ben was tough to make jokes about.

A man dressed like Santa Clause steps out of the limo next and instead of "ho ho ho" he shouts "Jo Jo Jo," which is so stupid its funny. His introduction scroll lists his name as "Saint Nick" from the North Pole with a job as Father Christmas. He approaches her and pulls a wrapped gift out of his bag.

When "Saint Nick" gets inside the mansion, he hands out stuffed animals to the other men and then chugs a beer. "Saint Nick" is my favorite, still.

Chase walks out of the limo wearing sunglasses and a mustache. When he makes his way to JoJo he says, "I mustache you a question but I'm going to shave it for later." I bet he found that joke by Googling, "funny jokes to make girls laugh."

Jake gets like four seconds of air time so all we see him say is that he's an architect. Basically ABC is telling us, "This dude will only be here tonight, so don't worry about getting to know him."

Sal walks to JoJo carrying two blue balls in his hands. I'm not making a dirty joke here — this actually happened. JoJo asks him, "What are these blue balls that you have?" to which he responds, "If you're feeling stressed tonight I give you permission to squeeze my balls" to which I would have responded with an obvious joke, but JoJo does not.

Coley, whose name I do not understand, tells JoJo, "I'm in real estate, too, and I'm hoping by the end of this I'm the one to take you off the market." Coley looks like he's coming off of a three-day bender and fixed his hair with the mini bottle of Jameson he had in his coat pocket.

Brandon, whose occupation is listed as "Hipster," tries to wow JoJo by claiming, "I didn't watch last season at all. I know absolutely nothing about you," which means, "I just finished re-watching your season and stalking your Instagram account but because I'm a hipster I have to say the opposite."

James S., "Bachelor Superfan," arrives and does nothing, which kind of upsets me. If he were really a "Bachelor Superfan" he would have had a much more exciting entrance. James S. is a liar.

Back inside the mansion, Daniel, the male model who doesn't look like a male model, tells the camera that all of the men are really attractive and, "If I was gay I'd be in paradise," so I think Daniel will be the one who says super offensive things and drinks too much all season.

Nick S. introduces himself by doing the splits and I'm not sure dudes are supposed to be able to do that.

Vinny, the barber who shouldn't call himself a barber until he has his hair fixed, tells JoJo, "I couldn't find Champagne on the way here, but I do have a little toast" and pulls a piece of toasted bread out of his jacket pocket.

Peter says, "I want to be your Man Crush Monday" and now he's my least favorite person.

Evan, the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist, greets JoJo with, "Hey girly," and I don't know how she doesn't just tell him to get back in the limo.

Wells confesses, "I brought some friends with me today" and we see a quartet come out of the limo to sing, "I Swear" to JoJo. Naturally all of the other men are watching from inside continuing the bro-bashing, while I wonder if All-4-One will accompany a Fantasy Suite date.

As a motorcycle pulls up, JoJo yells, "I feel a bad boy." Christian comes up and says something too boring to share, but JoJo thought the motorcycle thing was hot, so she doesn't care.

Finally, Luke, whose job is listed as war veteran, strolls in on a horse with a fake unicorn horn and tells JoJo, "I believe unicorns are real." He did this because last season JoJo was the one who got out of the limo wearing a unicorn mask and apparently really thinks unicorns exist.

I have to constantly remind myself that these people are 24.

After JoJo greets the men as a group, Alex, who is the same size as JoJo, pulls her aside first. He immediately tries to prove he is a manly man by getting on the ground and doing pushups in front of her.

Derek, who has a fear of cucumbers I still need to know about, is next and he tells her he used to be a dork who looked like Harry Potter. What a turn-on.

The men continue talk about how beautiful JoJo is and how nervous it's making them, which they're using as an excuse to drink way too much alcohol. Basically, if you're playing a drinking game this season, you should drink every time someone talks about how beautiful JoJo is.

JoJo complains about how nervous everyone is and how she wishes they wouldn't be so tense. She wants to find someone who she feels an instant connection with.

Obviously, that means that it's Jordan, the "former professional quarterback" who should really just say, "I'm Aaron Rodgers' brother," who is next with JoJo. He offers her his jacket, rubs her back, holds her hand and makes jokes. She kisses him on the cheek and he tells her that he's a retired football player who is ready for love.

Will, the guy with the note card joke, used another joke to get her to kiss him. The kiss was about as exciting as these suitors' entrances.

Jordan, the "former professional quarterback" who should really just say, "I'm Aaron Rodgers' brother" comes back to steal JoJo again with the clear intention of kissing her. After they both claim to be "goofy" they share their first kiss and JoJo tells the camera, "Now that was a kiss!"

Chris Harrison brings the first impression rose into the mansion, and the nerves — and drinking — are at an all-time high.

JoJo and Chad, the guy who used "alright, alright, alright" more than once in his bio, sit down in front of the fire. After their conversation, he tells the camera, "I'm pretty confident that if I wanted her I could have her. I'm like the manlier, more rugged version of Ben. He's a good guy but he's just a softy. Just a soft, supple, smooth friendly guy." If you read that last part with Matthew McConaughey's voice in mind, it really makes you hate this guy even more. I promise.

Daniel, the male model who doesn't look like a male model, is next and asks her if she understood his joke of "Damnnnn JoJo," to which she responds, "No! Is there a YouTube video that says Damn JoJo?" And Daniel is devastated because he was hoping to keep that terrible joke going.

Probably because he's upset about his joke fail, Daniel, the male model who doesn't look like a male model, is tonight's drunk. He pokes the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist in the belly button repeatedly, which is bizarre, and then takes off all of his clothes and jumps in the pool. I feel like Daniel assumes this is normal behavior because this is what happens when male models party together. It's not.

As JoJo is giving a private, closed-door interview, Nick S., the guy who can do the splits, interrupts and sits down next to JoJo. As he stumbles out, Vinny, the barber who shouldn't call himself a barber until he has his hair fixed, stumbles in and tells JoJo, "I will never let you beg for my love on a bathroom floor," which is something that happened last season.

When they leave, JoJo tells the camera, "Apparently everyone is hammered tonight" and, again, I am so excited this season isn't boring Ben.

Ali, who I'm pretty sure likes other men, takes JoJo outside, where there is apparently a piano because why the hell wouldn't there be a piano sitting outside of the mansion, and plays a song for her. Because I'm pretty sure he likes other men.

"Saint Nick" and his Santa Clause suit put JoJo on his lap. Really, this guy knows what he's doing.

JoJo grabs the first impression rose from the table and obviously gives it to Jordan, the "former professional quarterback" who should really just say, "I'm Aaron Rodgers' brother."

As JoJo prepares to hand out the roses, we see another limo show up, which obviously means someone unexpected is here. I want it to be Nick Viall so badly because a third time as the runner-up would just be amazing. However, it's Jake Pavelka: a man who has been on SIX — well now seven, I guess — reality TV shows, including "The Bachelorette," "The Bachelor" and "Bachelor Pad." The thought of watching him on this season is appalling and I pause to tell Snapchat how I feel.

Jake claims they are close family friends and that he couldn't let her go through this without her at least talking to him first. The rest of the suitors brew while we wait in suspense praying that we don't have to watch Jake on another season of this franchise. Instead, he's there for "moral support." Or another five minutes of fame.

As JoJo hands out the roses, the guy who used "alright, alright, alright" more than once in his bio, runs his mouth about all of the other men in the house and claims he and JoJo have locked eyes throughout the entire night, so he knows he's going to be staying. He's basically this season's Olivia.

After tonight, it appears Jordan and Chad are going to be this season's Shawn B. and Nick Viall. I wonder who JoJo will sleep with first.

ELIMINATED

Jonathan, the guy with the "below the waist" jokes.

Coley, which I appreciate because I will never understand his name.

Jake, because I called it when they gave him four seconds of air time out of the limo.

Peter, who said, "I want to be your Man Crush Monday," which just validates how stupid that was.

HOMETOWN DATE PREDICTIONS

Jordan, because obviously.

Chad, because obviously.

Chase, because he's attractive and after tonight it's been made clear that's why we're all here.

Nick, because he is my favorite.

"If you're feeling stressed tonight I give you permission to squeeze my balls" – Sal.

It's going to be another good one, you guys. Let me know what you think on Twitter or Snapchat @abbydraper. See you next week!