Last night on "The Bachelorette," we return to the Nemacolin resort, where JoJo has just sent Chad, this season's villain, home from the two-on-one date because he threatened Jordan, the "former professional quarterback" who should really just say, "I'm Aaron Rodgers' brother."
Back at the house, the remaining men are celebrating Chad's departure by spreading what's left of his protein powder across the forest like it's his ashes. I'm surprised Daniel, the male model who doesn't look like a model, is allowing this to happen because now what will he have for breakfast?
Wells, who brought All-4-One with him to the mansion, says, "Tonight we say farewell to quite literally the [expletive-est] person that has ever been on 'The Bachelor' or 'Bachelorette.' Farewell, sweet prince," while James Taylor, a singer/songwriter named James Taylor, plays the guitar, and I feel like this may actually be what happens at Chad's actual funeral.
After this ceremony, we hear a knock at the door and James F., who smiles with his mouth closed which freaks me out, nervously tells the house that Chad is back and trying to get in. Daniel, the male model who doesn't look like a model, happily goes to greet him. Probably because he wants to know where he can find Chad's stash of protein powder.
Chad confronts the group and tells them, again, that he feels like they put him in a bad place among one another and, in turn, in front of JoJo. So now, the only thing he knows to do is get physical. Jordan, the "former professional quarterback" who should really just say, "I'm Aaron Rodgers' brother" tries to reason with him and is unsuccessful. Chad leaves with a twirl and tells us, "I'm out," and I hope when he says get physical he really just means he wants to twirl.
Alex, who is the same size as JoJo, returns from the date and the remaining suitors lift him up in the air, cheer loudly and then smash his face in a cake to celebrate. This is also how I envision Chad's actual funeral.
With everyone excited that Chad is gone, Chase, the guy who has gotten through life doing everything he's supposed to and nothing more, is the first to take JoJo outside, where he puts her inside of a plastic ball and has her run into him to "knock him off of his feet … again" —because that is every woman's dream when she's in heels and a gown.
Robby, the former competitive swimmer who used a hashtag in his bio, is next. He takes her to a fountain, where he asks her if she wants to make a wish, and now this is turning into a Nicholas Sparks novel.
Robby kisses JoJo in front of the fountain as the other suitors look on. Seeing that sends everyone into panic mode, and now the confessions of falling in love with JoJo are dropping hard. Which means the interruptions of one-on-one time are intensifying as well.
Wells, who brought All-4-One with him to the mansion, notices this and brings it up to the others, and I'm just completely bemused at how Evan, the erectile dysfunction specialist, is still here.
After Daniel, the male model who doesn't look like a male model, and James F., who smiles with his mouth closed which freaks me out, are sent home, we learn that JoJo and the remaining 11 are going to continue their journey in Uruguay.
Alex, who is the same size as JoJo, picks up the first date card and reads, "Jordan, let's seal the deal. Love, JoJo" and the other men are visibly disappointed. Probably because that's basically an invitation for intercourse.
Jordan, the "former professional quarterback" who should really just say, "I'm Aaron Rodgers' brother," meets JoJo by the water and they strip down to their swimsuits to canoodle on a yacht.
As Jordan and JoJo are on their date, the other suitors are being groomed while reading gossip magazines because that's what men do in their spare time. The gossip magazines they somehow had access to all include stories claiming JoJo was sneaking around with her ex-boyfriend while the show was wrapping up filming.
As they are still talking about his, the date card arrives and Luke, a man who believes unicorns are real, reads, "Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, Alex … I can't stand to be away from you. Love, JoJo."
Back on the one-on-one date that was apparently just a half-naked yacht ride, JoJo and Jordan, the "former professional quarterback" who should really just say, "I'm Aaron Rodgers' brother," sit down to dinner. JoJo tells Jordan that she met an ex of his who told her that he wasn't a great boyfriend. This is very confusing because JoJo isn't supposed to know who is on her season before the season airs, so how is this feasible? Oops, ABC.
He takes a drink of his vodka tonic, which isn't a cocktail a straight man should order, and confesses again that when he was playing football, that was his sole focus and because of that, he may not have been a good boyfriend. She believes him, they kiss and she offers him the rose — which he accepts.
They go for a walk and make out in a crowd of women dancing in the middle of the street wearing gold lamé bikinis. I guess that's a thing in Uruguay.
When JoJo gets back to the hotel, a producer shows her the article about her and her ex and tells her the suitors have read it. This causes JoJo to break down before heading to address it with the men.
JoJo brings the magazine into their hotel room and through tears assures them that she is there for the right reasons. They all console her. Basically, that's what happens when you're a hot chick — you cry and you're forgiven.
Jordan, the "former professional quarterback" who should really just say, "I'm Aaron Rodgers' brother," and Robby, the former competitive swimmer who used a hashtag in his bio, are the only two not on the date, so they are apparently back at the salon with face masks on while getting pedicures. I bet the boys in the Packers locker room are having a field day with this one.
When Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells and Alex arrive to meet JoJo, they are in the middle of the desert because they are going sand surfing. Watching this, I learn that sand surfing looks as miserable as it sounds.
As Evan, the erectile dysfunction specialist, worries about getting his third bloody nose this season, Jordan reads the third date card, which says, "Robby, love is within our reach. Love, JoJo."
Back at the group date, we've moved from sand surfing to cocktails. Luke, a man who believes unicorns are real, takes JoJo aside to tell her that he trusts her despite what the article claims. The rest of the men rotate in and, yet again, tell JoJo they're falling for her. It's as boring to watch as this sentence is to read.
JoJo ultimately decides to give Derek, who has a fear of cucumbers I still need to know about, the group date rose because she "wants to make him feel reassured," which really upsets Alex, who is the same size as JoJo. I've never been one to believe in short-man syndrome, but Alex certainly makes it look like a real thing.
JoJo and Robby, the competitive swimmer who used a hashtag in his bio, are spending the day sightseeing in Uruguay. Robby tells us he loves JoJo and I actually exclaim, "What?" out loud because I feel like this is the first conversation the two of them have ever had. As they make out on a cliff, Robby asks her if she wants to jump into the water. This feels like a really bad idea, but also an opportunity to show her his six pack.
Back at the hotel, Alex, who is the same size as JoJo, is still upset that JoJo gave a rose to Derek because "she wanted to reassure him," so he tries to pick a fight. Again. Alex needs to relax.
After Robby and JoJo have dried off and dressed up, they sit down for dinner, and Robby shares that his best friend died while texting and driving. That death taught him to take risks and live life to the fullest. Because of this, Robby wants her to know that he has fallen in love with her. When he confesses this and then says, "I love you," the look in JoJo's eyes is exactly how I responded when he told the cameras. She is shocked. She says, "thank you" in a way that sounds more like a question, and I laugh. JoJo recovers by offering him a rose. He obviously accepts since, you know, he's in love with a woman he met four weeks ago.
When they walk outside there are fireworks going off, and Robby tells her it's the best day of his life — to which she responds, "Promise?" and I'm reminded once again that these people are in their early 20s.
Before JoJo arrives, Derek, who has a fear of cucumbers I still need to know about, asks Robby, Jordan, Chase and Alex to join him outside. When they agree, he accuses the three of them of being "clique-y" toward him. Shockingly to no one, Alex refutes this and Jordan is passive aggressive.
Chris Harrison approaches the group to let them know that JoJo has canceled the cocktail party and that she is sending three men home tonight. Alex is angry, which is what I would call this episode.
Then JoJo arrives. Without Chad, this episode was kind of boring.
Daniel, the male model who doesn't look like a male model.
James F., who smiles with his mouth closed which really freaks me out.
Evan, the erectile dysfunction specialist.
Grant, the firefighter who is actually probably a stripper who dresses up like a firefighter.
Vinny, the barber who shouldn't call himself a barber until he has his hair fixed.
The latter three all cried really hard, which seems strange to me.
Jordan, because obviously.
Luke, because I fell in love with him.
Chase, because he's attractive and he made it snow for her when he didn't get a formal date.
James Taylor, just so I can see how his friends react to him bringing JoJo home.
"Oh geez. I'm probably going to get another bloody nose." – Evan.
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