Tuesday night's episode of "The Bachelorette" — the second of the week — begins with a reminder that Evan, the erectile dysfunction specialist, told Chris Harrison that Chad, this season's villain, was a danger to the house.
Chris has asked Chad to make amends with the remaining men, so Chad returns to the group to "explain himself" by saying he's not here to create issues in the house. He then points to Derek, who has a fear of cucumbers I still need to know about, and says, "You're a good guy, probably, I guess," which is how I plan to apologize from now on.
Evan responds with, "Chad you owe me an apology and a new shirt" (after Chad ripped his shirt on the group date), to which Chad replies, "Alright, I'll give you twenty bucks," which is probably pretty generous considering what Evan is wearing.
Wells, who brought All-4-One with him to the mansion, and James Taylor, a singer-songwriter named James Taylor — the two nicest suitors this season — try to resolve the bickering and I forgive James Taylor for making everyone sing a song with the lyrics "Jo Jo Jo Jo Jo Yeah" for a brief second.
JoJo finally arrives and Chad answers the door to greet her with a hug.
If you remember, JoJo has decided to forgo tonight's cocktail party and have a daytime pool party instead.
The "pool party" begins and after they perform what Jordan, the "former professional quarterback" who should really just say, "I'm Aaron Rodgers' brother," calls a "jock dive" in front of JoJo, Evan, the erectile dysfunction specialist, surfaces with a nosebleed. If you asked me what a "jock dive" was I would actually assume it always ends with a nosebleed.
When he sees this, Chad says, "Apparently Evan bleeds just thinking about me" and I bet that's not the first time Chad has said that about someone.
Jordan, the "former professional quarterback" who should really just say, "I'm Aaron Rodgers' brother," finds JoJo by herself. When she sees him, she jumps in his arms, wraps her legs around his body and they kiss before sitting down so he can aggressively rub her legs. I hope JoJo remembered to shave.
With his hand on her butt, she tells Jordan he makes her nervous because she thinks he's too good to be true and it's probably because Ben "loved" her and never even thought to touch her butt.
JoJo and Chad, this season's villain, finally sit down to chat and before he can explain why everyone hates him, Evan interrupts. For the next few minutes, as Chad angrily stomps around the pool, we see all of the other men sit down with JoJo to talk poorly about Chad, which of course upsets him. Chad hears Derek, who has a fear of cucumbers I still need to know about, tell JoJo that there is security in the house because Chad is a danger.
Chris Harrison comes back to tell everyone that the pool party is over so the next time they'll see JoJo is at the rose ceremony.
When Chris leaves, Chad asks Derek to come with him to talk. As they walk away, someone asks Derek, "You need back up bro?" and I feel like I'm at a college frat party.
Basically, they bicker while the other guys watch. Which is what this episode should just be called.
Dramatic music plays while everyone reminds us they want Chad to go home. JoJo leaves them all waiting but gives Chad the last rose.
When those who were eliminated leave, JoJo tells the enduring men that she wants to leave the drama behind, so they're leaving the mansion for good. She won't tell them where they're going and it's definitely because they're going to Pennsylvania. I've been to Pennsylvania many times and, to be honest, I would have rather been sent home.
When the men arrive at Nemacolin Woodlands Resort, they do weird bro things until the date card arrives. Vinny, the barber who shouldn't call himself a barber until he has his hair fixed, reads, "Luke, I like you very 'mush.' Love, Jojo."
Vinny, the barber who shouldn't call himself a barber until he has his hair fixed, says, "We'll miss you very much" as Luke, a man who believes unicorns are real, leaves — it turns out Vinny's jokes are as laughable as his career.
JoJo and Luke, a man who believes unicorns are real, are in a cart that is being pulled by a bunch of dogs, which is actually how people in Pennsylvania probably get around.
They arrive to the middle of a forest, where there is a hot tub — because, "The Bachelorette" — and she tells him it is a wood-burning tub so to warm it up, he has to chop wood. Forcing manual labor on a first date definitely works, right? Before he swings his ax, he asks how hot she likes it and she says, "HOT!" which I find hard to believe based on the men she has kept around.
They get into their swimsuits and as JoJo steps into the hot tub, she burns her toe. Told ya she didn't really like it hot.
After Luke carries her into the tub with a burnt toe, she climbs into his lap and very strategically positions her chest right into his face — because girl move — before feeding him strawberries. She says he looks like a GQ model and, well, he must look different in person.
Back at the resort, the next date card arrives and Chase, the guy who has gotten through life doing everything he's supposed to and nothing more, reads, "Derek, James T., Daniel, Chase (that's me!), Wells, Vinnie, James F., Evan, Grant, Jordan, Robby… We could go all the way. Love, JoJo."
The men realize that the only two names that weren't called are Chad, this season's villain, and Alex, who is the same size as JoJo, so they assume the final date this week will be a two-on-one with JoJo and the two of them, leading them to discuss how wonderful Alex is and how terrible Chad is. Again.
During their dinner date, JoJo tells Luke, a man who believes unicorns are real, that he has a very relaxed confidence about him and she wants to know how he got that way. She asks, "How are you like that, what made you like that?" and I'm really confused by these questions. Like, if someone asked me, "What made you funny?" I would definitely respond with, "That's a dumb question."
Luke tells her that he was recruited by West Point to play football but he didn't fit in so he joined the military and served in Afghanistan. He goes on to say that a friend who was like a little brother to him was killed there, forcing him to appreciate life. There is no way I can joke about this because I just fell in love with Luke. He continues with, "I love the moments in life that make the hair on the back of my neck stand up … like meeting you" so BRB, I'm falling in love really quick. They kiss and she offers him the rose, which he accepts.
JoJo says she has a surprise for Luke and they head to "The Palace" where they are greeted by screaming "fans" who are all recording JoJo and Luke's entrance on their iPhones. Must not be a lot happening tonight in good 'ol Pennsylvania.
JoJo and Luke head to a stage and kiss in front of strangers who are recording all of this, before Dan + Shay join them on said stage to perform. I hope no one had to buy tickets to be at this show.
Derek, James T., Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinnie, James F., Evan, Grant, Jordan, Robby arrive on The Gateway Queen Clipper boat and after they say hello to JoJo they walk into Heinz Field where they are greeted by Ben Roethlisberger. (Proud moment — I spelled his last name correctly without Googling it. Credit — when you know so many Ravens fans, you see this guy's name a lot.)
Ben greets the group and I wonder how Jordan, the "former professional quarterback" who should really just say, "I'm Aaron Rodgers' brother," feels. Is this like hanging out with his big brother's friends? Is he embarrassed because he couldn't hang in the NFL? Does he feel like he's among his own friends?
After Ben's greeting, Hines Ward and Brett Keisel (had to Google that one) join everyone on the field.
Obviously this is another sports date, so I hope it goes by quickly. As the group date suitors run what I assume are football drills, JoJo tells Ben Roethlisberger that Chase, the guy who has gotten through life doing everything he's supposed to and nothing more, is a front-runner; James Taylor, a singer-songwriter named James Taylor, is super sweet; and Evan, who she calls "the small one," is a nice guy but definitely not a football player. Burn. Ben asks about "Aaron's brother" which definitely means he's going to make fun of Jordan with Hines and Brett after this is over.
Because they're all dudes playing sports and trying to impress a girl who clearly wants to see them play sports (remember when I said JoJo and I are nothing alike?), the group date suitors become very competitive. JoJo acts surprised at this and I am ready for it to be over.
James Taylor, the singer-songwriter named James Taylor, gets through a drill and comes out bleeding profusely. The medic tells him he needs stitches but he refuses them so he can spend more time with JoJo. Nothing sounds sexier than a bleeding musician playing football through a concussion.
The date progresses to a football game where Jordan is the QB for both teams and I feel like this is Ben, Hines and Brett totally making fun of Aaron Rodgers.
After telling the cameras, "I spell 'win' E-V-A-N," Evan, the erectile dysfunction specialist, gets another bloody nose and I can't help but find this hilarious.
The teams are split into two and the "underdog" team wins. They are underdogs because James Taylor, a singer-songwriter named James Taylor, is bleeding from his eye; Evan, the erectile dysfunction specialist, has a bloody nose; Derek, who has a fear of cucumbers I still need to know about, apparently has a bad knee; and Vinny, the barber who shouldn't call himself a barber until he has his hair fixed, just has a terrible haircut despite being a barber. What a group.
As the losing team heads "home" to mourn its loss, the winning team escorts JoJo into Falling Rock.
Robby, the former competitive swimmer who used a hashtag in his bio, takes JoJo aside first to tell her that he wants more one-on-one time, and then he picks her up and puts her on top of the pool table to kiss her. He then tells her that he is falling in love with her, which is weird because I don't remember anything else about him this season.
When JoJo and Jordan, the "former professional quarterback" who should really just say, "I'm Aaron Rodgers' brother," take time to chat, she reiterates that she is nervous about him because she doesn't feel like it's real. He walks her outside to tell her he's falling for her and naturally now she is certain about him. What else do you need to know its real? Because she is certain now, she offers him the rose and he accepts.
Back at the resort, Grant, the firefighter who is actually probably a stripper who dresses up like a firefighter, reads, "Chad and Alex, let's get lost. Love, JoJo." Followed by, "Into the woods, your path goes. Only one returns with a rose. Chris Harrison" and holy hell, Chris Harrison has come up with a new two-on-one date poem. I go to my kitchen to find a bottle of Champagne because this is worth celebrating.
Luke, a man who believes unicorns are real, asks, "Chad, if you go home tomorrow what do you think the reason would be?" Chad says, "That's a stupid question," and I laugh. Grant makes a snarky comment about Chad's response and Chad asks, "OK, who here has a problem with me?" Everyone except Grant and Daniel, the male model who doesn't look like a male model, raise their hands, so Chad requests that none of the rest of them talk to him. Which is really what he's been asking the entire time, so like, guys, just do that.
Alex says he and Chad are polar opposites and they bicker for the 1,968th time. Grant steps in to attack Chad and Chad gets up to walk away from the group. Really, these men are worse than the women from this franchise.
As Chad, this season's villain and Alex, who is the same size as JoJo, are getting ready to go on this date, Jordan, the "former professional quarterback" who should really just say, "I'm Aaron Rodgers' brother," makes a comment to Chad. Chad responds by telling him that when the show is over, heis going to hunt Jordan down to find him and "take care of this," which I guess in bro terms means he's going to beat him up. Why can't they just act like women and subtweet each other when they leave the show?
For this date, Alex, who is the same size as JoJo, is wearing cargo khaki shorts, an army green button down, American flag socks and army boots. Like, we get it, dude.
The helicopter arrives and takes the two men to meet JoJo in the woods. She greets them and tells them they are going on a hike. If this were a Lifetime movie, Alex, and maybe JoJo, would be killed in the next five minutes.
When they get to their destination — a river — they lay blankets down and sit there silently for a few before Chad tells JoJo that in Oklahoma they have a lot of rivers. Riveting.
Alex takes the opportunity to share every altercation Chad has had with the other men, including what he said to Jordan before they left for this date.
When it's Chad's turn with JoJo she asks him about threatening Jordan earlier that day. He doesn't deny it, but tries to recover. They go back and forth and JoJo decides she wants some time alone as to not make an emotional decision.
She walks away crying and Chad returns to the blanket where Alex is sitting. Now we've moved on from Kaitlyn's season to Chris Soules' season and the two-on-one with Ashley and Kelsey in the desert.
Chad tells Alex, "I'm not very happy with you. I'm not mad I'm just disappointed. I'm just disappointed that I can't hurt you without getting in trouble."
They bicker again for a while and JoJo finally returns.
JoJo asks Chad in front of Alex if he threatened Jordan this morning and Chad admits that he did. She tells him that she doesn't want to be with someone who resorts to violence and offers the rose to Alex, who is elated. Not about the rose, but about Chad's departure. You know, because he's a short man who feels like he just won a fight.
Back at the resort, a crew member comes to get Chad's suitcase and the house erupts in applause before opening a bottle of Fireball and popping some confetti poppers, because they're all in their early 20s and these things are naturally lying around.
As we see JoJo and Alex enjoying the rest of this date, Chad decides to go back to the resort where the rest of the men are, presumably to fight someone. He knocks on the door and the men panic about what to do.
Like clockwork, another "TO BE CONTINUED" scrolls across the screen. Even worse, we learn we have to wait two weeks to find out what happened. Is this what ghosting feels like?
Also, this means we have more TV time with Chad, despite him being sent home. Great.
Ali, who I'm not sure likes women.
Christian, who I actually remember nothing about.
Nick, which is disappointing but also perfect because he's my favorite so now we can fall in love.
HOMETOWN DATE PREDICTIONS
OK, clearly I didn't do a great job this season as I'm currently 2-for-4, but this is my recap so I can change my mind. I'm going to replace Chad with Luke, because I fell in love with him tonight, and Nick with Robby, because I think JoJo is the kind of girl that likes to be lifted onto pool tables.
The original picks:
Jordan, because obviously.
Chad, because obviously. Although, I'll admit, this could be my "you're an idiot" pick.
Chase, because he's attractive and he made it snow for her when he didn't get a formal date.
Nick, because he is my favorite.
LINE OF THE NIGHT
"Chill out man, have a glass of milk" – Chad
"I don't like milk" – Alex
"Why not? Milk's delicious." – Chad
Reminder: The next episode isn't until June 20 so there won't be a recap next week.