Well, we've finally made it to the finale. Tonight, Prince Farming will choose to (maybe) propose to either Whitney, the fertility nurse who should have been a Disney princess, or Becca, America's Sweetheart, after they meet his family in Arlington, Iowa.
The episode begins with Chris, who has exchanged his button downs for a series of Henleys under collared sweaters, standing alone in a snow-covered field after a fresh spray tan that he must have traveled far for.
We are introduced to Chris' family, all of whom are wearing flannel shirts. Donna, Chris' mother, has likely experienced what Becca or Whitney are about to experience, as it appears she moved to Arlington and hasn't left the house since.
When Chris' family asks him how he is feeling about the two women and who he will choose, he tells them, "It's hard to say you're in love when you're falling in love with two people." With that, Chris has set a new record for delivering the first nonsensical line of the evening.
Donna, Chris' mother who hasn't left Arlington since she got there, asks Chris how he will choose, to which he responds, "Just tell me which one to pick." Clearly, he's a true romantic.
SOULES FAMILY VISIT: WHITNEY
Whitney arrives in Arlington wearing an outfit she clearly packed months ago for this specific episode: a flannel dress, tights, tall boots and a last-second decision bold statement necklace that was on sale at the jewelry store in the Chicago airport.
She has a bottle of white wine in hand, which says a lot about the kind of gal she is. When Chris and Whitney get to Chris' parents house, she squeals in her Disney princess voice and hugs his parents, his sisters, and his sisters' children as though she has known them for years. I'd be willing to bet Whitney has had this entire night scripted for a while, from the white wine, to what happens next.
When they all sit around the dinner table, Whitney reads her lines, I mean genuinely professes her love for Chris to his entire family after she just met them 20 minutes ago. Through tears, she tells them that he is the one for her, and everyone in Chris' family sheds a tear.
After this kumbayah, Chris' sisters pull Whitney aside and I don't really remember the conversation, because I am completely distracted in trying to decide who has the worst blonde highlights. There is clearly a need for a hair stylist in Arlington, if any of you are looking for employment.
After their interrogation of Whitney, Chris' sister Lori says she's going to miss Whitney when she leaves. I'm guessing Arlington is one of those places where girl friends say "I love you" at the end of every text message. If they have phones, of course.
Following the sisters' chat with Whitney, it's Chris' turn to be questioned. When he is asked what is different about his relationships with both women, Chris tries to explain his feelings for Becca. I wish that Kelsey was there to help him with finding big, or small, words to use, because what he says makes no sense.
We move on to Whitney and Chris' mom sitting together in a windowsill. Chris' mom asks, "Why do you think you are in love with my son?" Whitney responds with, "I lost my mom 10 years ago and I have been waiting to call someone mom ever since." I don't know if that is a reason to love a man, but I'm not married.
Chris' mom asks the camera, "What more could I ask for?" and I respond, "a makeover" out loud. Reflexes.
When Whitney leaves, Chris goes out to the shed to talk to his dad and brothers. As they're comparing these women, like bros do, Chris' brother-in-law calls Becca, "the girl at the bar that no guy thinks he can talk to," implying that Chris only likes Becca because she's hot. I wonder at this point how many women in Arlington are "the girl at the bar that no guy thinks he can talk to."
SOULES FAMILY DATE: BECCA
Becca arrives in Arlington with homemade cookies rather than white wine, and I pat myself on the back for nicknaming her "America's Sweetheart."
When they sit down for their meal, the pitchers of Bloody Marys and mimosas at the table impress me. Rather than crying through a love confession to the family, Becca makes jokes about Arlington's "downtown." It's clear that the mimosas have gone to Chris' mom's head because she can't sit up straight or stop laughing.
Chris' sisters sit Becca down for the Q&A, where Becca reiterates that she isn't going to pick up her life and move until she is "sure she is sure she is sure" about being in love with Chris. They all stare at her tight-lipped while every other woman in America thinks, "you go, girl."
Becca explains the same thing to Chris' mom Linda, and Linda tries pretty hard to convince Becca that the feelings she's describing are in fact love, and gives her the ol' "Do you want to go through life not taking a chance? That's what life is, Becca!" I'm glad my parents have never felt the need to convince a boy to love me.
Later that night, Chris heads to Dubuque, Iowa, to meet Becca at the Hotel Julien.
FINAL CHANCE DATE: BECCA
Immediately after Becca, the virgin, opens the door to greet Chris, she takes him straight to the bedroom. Which isn't something virgins do.
For a "couple" that has "been dating" for two months, they spend way too many minutes arguing. First, they argue about whether or not Becca wants to move to Iowa. Then they argue about whether Becca is in love or not. Chris asks, "Why don't you feel like you're in love?" to which Becca responds, "I don't know. I want to be able to answer that question but I don't know. I honestly don't know." She goes on with different iterations of not knowing for what seems like six hours until she finally says, "All that I know I want right now is you." Again, that's not something virgins do.
They hug for a few minutes before Becca walks Chris out. He sits in the confessional and cries to the camera. I will never get these 30 minutes of my life back.
LAST CHANCE DATE: WHITNEY
After running and jumping into his arms like she does every time she sees him, Chris tells Whitney that they are at his farm and going to do something with corn.
I notice that Whitney is wearing another statement necklace, and I venture to guess that after immediately getting pregnant, she opens an Etsy shop from Chris' kitchen table (if he proposes and she moves in).
As Chris' dad drives them around in a combine, Whitney says she can see in Chris' eyes that he's in his happy place and I am beyond glad that my happy place is not on the back of a tractor.
As they pull up to Chris' house, Whitney says, "It's beautiful" to which Chris replies, "Any time I go to make changes I just think 'I'm going to wait until I have a wife, so she can make the changes she wants,'" which is code for "get ready for me to put you to work on the house while I make a living on the farm." I feel like it's 1953.
As they tour his home, he brings her to a beautiful sunroom and I'm certain that's exactly where she will find her success selling statement jewelry on Etsy.
Later that night, Chris goes to visit Whitney in the same hotel that Becca is staying at.
The first thing Whitney shows Chris is a framed photo of the two of them that she has carried with her all season and set up in her hotel room. Like I said, girl friend planned this all months ago.
As she tells Chris she is in love with him again - like any of us have had enough time to forget - I notice that she is wearing a massive diamond ring on her right hand and think two things. First, "how subtle" followed by, "I'm glad her Etsy collection will include rings."
During her third long speech of the night, Whitney tells Chris she wants to give him whatever he wants, and he makes a face that clearly states he is thinking about taking his pants off.
THE FINAL ROSE
We are back at Chris' farm, where he is gazing out the window, into snow-covered cornhusks while we can see his breath through heavy sighs.
As he enters the barn, where he is going to (maybe) propose, he tells us, "I'm standing in the barn where I raised my first pig" and I laugh out loud. Some men propose at the place the couple had their first date. Others at the place they had their favorite date. Some during an important event that includes family. Not Prince Farming. Prince Farming proposes in the barn where he raised his first pig.
He walks into the barn and up the barn stairs, where we see what appears to be a messy, candle-lit attic. I wonder if his sisters decorated this after discovering Pinterest because ABC let them use their WiFi connection.
Becca arrives first in a long-sleeved red velvet gown and I wonder how many people own long-sleeved red velvet gowns. Hopefully not many. After she greets Chris, he tells her that he doesn't think she is really ready, he has to go with his heart and gut, he doesn't think it would be fair to either of them to continue, that she's a great woman, he's grateful for their time together and that some man will be very lucky to be her husband, just not him. Basically, he took every break-up line men have ever read about and threw them into one situation.
Becca handles this very gracefully and thanks him for his honesty. Again... America's Sweetheart.
As Becca's limo drives away, Whitney's limo arrives. After dragging her dress up the barn stairs, she reminds Chris again that she is in love with her fourth long speech tonight. At this point I'm confused because I thought Chris was supposed to be making moves here.
After Whitney shivers through her speech, Chris tells her he loves her, gets down on one knee and proposes with a ring that Neil Lane gave to him. She says "absolutely" and through kisses, they reiterate "I LOVE YOU" to one another way too many times. I expect Chris' family to come running into the barn and am disappointed they didn't.
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE
Once their engagement has aired, we are taken to a studio in Los Angeles where Chris Harrison brings Bachelor Chris to the stage for his first interview since the finale. Bachelor Chris tells us that he is "pumped" about Whitney multiple times.
Before Whitney joins the the Chris's on stage, Becca returns to face Bachelor Chris for the first time since goodbye, and despite Chris Harrison's best attempts at provoking drama, their conversation is just as boring as it was on the bed in the hotel room. The most exciting part is guessing how long it took for Becca's makeup team to apply her eyelashes.
Bachelor Chris tells us, "Becca made it very clear that she'd never fallen in love" and I think someone should start a Fund Me for Starmont High School in Arlington. They could clearly use some help.
After we say goodbye (again) to Becca, Whitney, who appears to have been chugging Red Bull in the green room, excitedly comes to the stage in a dress that only single women and strippers should wear, where she makes out with Bachelor Chris on national television. While most would find this aggressive, it's normal activity for them.
In an interview that can only be described as bizarre, Bachelor Chris essentially says that he picked Whitney because she reminded him of his sisters.
Whitney tells us that she has not watched this season, and actively decided that she won't because she doesn't need to. I'm willing to bet that within the first year of their engagement she decides to, because she's bored in Iowa.
In a "never before seen" clip, Chris Harrison shows us that Bachelor Chris' parents walked up to the barn after the proposal and if you need a psychic, feel free to call me.
Jimmy Kimmel makes an appearance, where he tells the same joke I did before about Whitney watching the season when she's mad at Chris in a few months. If you're reading, Jimmy, you can call me, too. I'd be happy to write for your show.
After a brief conversation Jimmy says that he has a surprise for them and brings a cow named Juan Pablo (the last Bachelor's name) to stage. Jimmy, if you hire me, I'll come up with something way better for next time.
Now, the moment we've all (I have) been waiting for. Chris Harrison announces the next Bachelorette. Sadly, I was wrong and it is not Becca. So, maybe only call me for a couple of psychic readings.
Instead, we learn that this year there will be two Bachelorettes and that 25 men will choose on the first night who would make a better wife. This sounds really bad to someone who is big on feminism, so I hope that more information is provided.
The two Bachelorettes are Britt and Kaitlyn.
When Britt and Kaitlyn come to stage I assume that we will be given more detail, but we're not, so I have absolutely no idea how this is going to work.
Becca, America's Sweetheart, who sadly isn't the next Bachelorette.
Chris' Best Line From The Final Rose: "In that situation, alls I knew..."
Thank you all for following along this season. I had a lot of fun. See you May 18 for The Bachelorette. Or is it The Bachelorettes? I guess we'll find out!