We first learn that tonight's episode will feature a "sneak peek" into the new "Cinderella" movie. What they should have said is that this episode is a promo for the new "Cinderella" movie, but you know, they can't give too much away.
As is typical, Chris Harrison starts with a dramatic introduction, reminding the women that Bachelor Chris is there to meet his wife and believes she is waiting in this room. He surprises them with this week's "unexpected plot twist" – Bachelor Chris is getting help from three "people that know him better than just about anybody … his sisters." They all pretend they're excited.
FIRST-DATE CARD
Becca, America's Sweetheart, opens the date card to read to the room.
It reads, "Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S., Ashley I., Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie, and Kelsey -- Let's do what feels natural… Chris." And we learn that not only is this going to be a "sneak peek" into the new "Cinderella" movie, but also an episode of completely obvious innuendos. And more Ambien.
The women react with a different version of "WHAT? We're all going to have to see Bachelor Chris without wearing makeup?" And the brilliant producers quote Ashley I., otherwise known as Kardashian, asking, "Why did everyone turn to look at me?" Well, sister, it's because you spend more time applying your eyelashes and lip liner than an entire sorority house during rush week.
The first group date begins with the women and Bachelor Chris driving two fancy cars to their secret destination. Bachelor Chris is driving the first car, with Kardashian sitting next to him. By the looks of her American flag bikini, I think it's safe to assume that her job title of "nanny" is not a child-care professional, but rather her stripper name. She tells us, "If a guy is driving, it's one of the sexiest things he can do." For the second week in a row, I Google the definition of sexy to make sure I understand it.
We are given a few minutes of Megan, the makeup artist, babbling. I think she stole some of Ashley I.'s Ambien before this date.
Bachelor Chris pulls up to a random lake in a city I think is called "Middle of Nowhere SoCal" to let them know that they are going to spend some time enjoying the views. Another innuendo.
As the women strip down to their bikinis, Bachelor Chris tells us watching at home, "I'm really excited to see these girls outdoors and in nature." What he really means is, "I'm really excited to see these girls wet in their bikinis before they consume 14 bottles of cheap champagne and I don't understand what they say to me anymore."
After playing in the water together, Kardashian is concerned she is being too shy on this group date to stand out. So naturally, she swims alone to the dock, removes her American flag bikini top, throws it in the water and jumps in behind. Because you know, that's what virgins do.
Not to be outdone as the "fun one," Kaitlyn tells us, "This is a great environment for me," swims to the same dock where Kardashian just stripped down and takes her bikini bottom off. I'm curious why she chose to take the bottom off, but YOLO, I guess.
Kelsey, the fourth grade teacher is appalled at this behavior. "This is a date made for bimbos," she states, and I'm pretty sure she meant to say, "This is a show made for bimbos."
BACK AT THE MANSION
The scene opens with an aggressive shot of Jillian, the news reporter from D.C. who does flips outside of the White House, and the black beam box over her private area, laying out by the pool alone.
The doorbell rings and Carly, the cruise-ship singer, screams like she's just won the lottery. I'm confused again.
As the sisters join the women in the mansion, they realize Jillian is missing and wake her from snoring at the pool. Jillian is mortified at the thought of Chris' sisters -- she calls them "her in-laws" -- gaining a bad impression because she is "sweating, drooling and wearing a tight bikini" (with a black beam block covering her bottom half).
When everyone not on the group date has gathered, the sisters remind the contestants that this week, they are going to pick the woman who will join Chris for a one-on-one date. The sisters pull Whitney, who should be a Disney princess, aside first. They have a boring conversation, which lead me to wonder if they chose Whitney with her Disney-princess voice because of the "Cinderella" promo.
Kaitlyn, the girl who told Chris he can "plow the f--- out of her field any day he wants," is next. She tells us that "three people is a lot of people to impress," and I wonder how she has survived as a competitive dancer.
Jade, the fashion designer from L.A., is the most memorable with the sisters. During their conversation, she tells us she launched her organic makeup line and I didn't know a fashion designer and an organic makeup developer were the same thing. Jade turns on the charm, aggressively accompanied by a sappy acoustic guitar song that lets us all know it was important to pay attention.
BACK TO THE GROUP DATE
Bachelor Chris and these women in their bikinis are playing "Red Rover, Red Rover," which Kelsey, the fourth-grade teacher, is clearly offended by. Probably because she has to play this same game with her students every day.
Kelsey makes a few digs about the other women, the date venue and the "muddy waters." According to her, "if you want to see a beautiful lake, go to Michigan." She lets us know that "there are moments I feel like taking a fork and stabbing it in my eye," and then she gets stung by a bee in her vagina. That's what you get for not participating in a good game of Red Rover. I bet she tells her students that when she gets home.
After we watch Kardashian reapply her red lipstick, Bachelor Chris says he "loves being there with them in their bikinis" (seriously) and tells them that they are staying overnight in tents. "I have my own tent," he continues, and we immediately know to expect that there will be visitors throughout the night.
As they're setting up the tents, Bachelor Chris says, "You could do this in 60 seconds if you knew what you were doing." I giggle, thinking, "That's what she said." More innuendo.
Kardashian makes a joke that virgins don't know how to set up tents, and COME ON, ABC.
BACK TO THE MANSION
The sisters start with Carly, the cruise-ship singer. They're ready to bring on the tough questions now, like, "tell us about your longest relationship." Carly responds by crying, because "no man has ever really been nice" to her.
Carly continues with a story about her grandfather being so nice to her grandmother, and that is the kind of love she is looking for. Which is clearly why she is on "The Bachelor." Chris' sister reacts with the most obvious "I am pretending to care because I am on television, but I really actually don't care about this at all" look ever. They zoom in to Carly after the sister interview and she says, "I want Chris to give me affection, I want Chris to be my grandfather." Hmmm.
Whitney brings in the second date card, and in her Disney princess voice, reads, "Jade, Your presence is requested at the royal ball tomorrow evening from 8 p.m. 'til the last stroke of midnight. It's a secret; the prince doesn't know you're coming. Sincerely, Lisa, Laura and Jackie." I'm fairly certain they made her emphasize the word stroke, because innuendo.
Jade tells us she is "ready to be a princess" and I brace myself for the "Cinderella" previews.
BACK TO THE GROUP DATE
As they are sitting around the campfire, I realize these girls are wearing more makeup camping than I wore to my senior prom.
Bachelor Chris tells Kaitlyn he's a "touchy-feely guy." Kaityln says, "I know there are women that love receiving gifts, but I just like words." I'm confused again.
Bachelor Chris and Kelsey, who is angry at this whole date and was stung in the vagina by a bee, leave the group to chat. This sends Kardashian into a rage.
Just as I was worried Megan might have stolen the entire bottle of Ambien, my faith is restored as Ashley S., who cannot control her hiccups, asks the other women, "You know what I'm most scared of right here? The fact that I have no music." Then she starts chanting loudly, while tripping over herself. I mean, while dancing.
After tiring of campfire songs, Ashley S. pulls Bachelor Chris aside and asks him, "What are you?" Followed quickly by, "Look at the moon," to which they both look up at the full moon. When they return their gaze into each other's glazed-over eyes, Ashley S. says, "and we're sitting here. That's weird to me."
Bachelor Chris starts to talk and she interrupts him for a kiss. After a minute, they stop and she says, "I just love you, Chris. I like really love you, Chris. I love everything about you. It's crazy at this point in time, but I actually do really, really love you. And I hope this resonates in your mind tonight."
Ashley S. pauses to give him what can only be described as a "serial killer face," then finishes this brilliant conversation with, "You don't have to say anything in regards to that." I'm pretty certain Bachelor Chris is relieved, because he has absolutely no idea what one would say to that.
As they walk back to the campfire, Kaitlyn says, "I don't think Ashley S. is here for the right reasons, because I don't think Ashley even knows where here is." Kaitlyn is quickly growing on me.
For the third time since we got back to the campfire, Kardashian applies more lip gloss before pulling Bachelor Chris aside. She rambles for a second before they deep-mouth kiss. Again, because that's what virgins do.
After uncomfortably watching that, we are ready for the group-date rose. Bachelor Chris gives it to Kaitlyn and I wonder if this means she gets to sleep in his tent tonight.
Bachelor Chris says it's time for bed, and Kardashian goes on a rant about her fear of the repercussions if she doesn't tell Bachelor Chris she is a virgin. She sneaks to Bachelor Chris' tent to say, "This is smaller than I expected," and we all know what that really means.
Lying next to him, she confesses that she is very innocent and has never had a boyfriend. Essentially she spends five minutes alluding to the fact that she's a virgin, in-between make-out sessions, without actually saying she's a virgin.
The group date ends with Kardashian telling us, "I don't know if he gets it, but he can probe at that area later." The innuendos just keep coming.
BACK AT THE MANSION
The women who were on the group date did not get to meet the sisters, and are just now learning that Jade has a one-on-one date with Bachelor Chris. Kardashian is furious because she is truly convinced a princess date was meant only for her.
A group of loud stylists and makeup artists ransack the house, telling Jade she has to get ready for the royal ball. They lead her upstairs to a room filled with ball gowns and fancy jewelry. Jade chooses a beautiful dress, earrings and, you guessed it … glass slippers (clear Louboutins in 2015.)
In case that wasn't blatant enough, we are reminded that this is an advertisement for the new "Cinderella" movie, as we watch a clip of the new movie on a stylist's iPad.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE
After three minutes of Bachelor Chris ballroom dancing by himself, Cinderella — I mean Jade — enters the castle. Obviously, she walks down a huge set of stairs until she reaches Prince Farming's hand. Now I get where Prince Farming came from. Well done, Disney (who owns ABC).
The two sit down for dinner, and Jade tells Bachelor Chris she was engaged at 21. Bachelor Chris responds, "So was I!" So basically they're soulmates. We see the rose, sitting by a glass slipper of course, and Chris offers it to Jade, who accepts it.
Back at the house, Kardashian is so angry that she puts on a ball gown (that she brought) to have her own ball. With no prince. After walking around the house and getting no attention, she sits alone on the couch, to eat a cob of corn (Chris is from Iowa and Kardashian is a virgin, so obviously she's eating corn on the cob) and a glass of what I imagine is Riesling.
At the castle, Bachelor Chris brings Jade upstairs to ballroom dance on a platform in front of a live orchestra, because this is "The Bachelor." The new "Cinderella" movie plays in the background because, again, Disney owns ABC TV.
After a few twirls around the platform, Jade has to go home because it's midnight, and that's how "Cinderella" goes. She tells us she hopes there is a "happy ending," and let's be honest, so do I. I think to myself, "If she loses a shoe, I'm shutting this off." But then I remember that she gets to keep the shoes, and they're Louboutins, so there is nothing to worry about.
Bachelor Chris says, "I hope Jade and I's fairytale becomes a reality," and I wonder where Prince Farming went to college.
SECOND GROUP DATE
Carly, the cruise-ship singer, reads the second group date card, which tells us, "Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt and Becca" are going on this date. The note from Chris says, "Let's get dirty." I should have counted the innuendos in this episode.
Carly tells the girls they should go outside. When they do, we see there are six boxes waiting, each filled with a wedding dress.
The women put on their dresses and they make their way to a private airport. In a limo and drinking champagne, of course. Jillian complains the whole time about not being in her element by wearing this dress, because she is usually working out. Four seconds later, they arrive in San Francisco for the Muck Fest. Well done, producers.
At the Muck Fest, Whitney, who should have been a Disney princess, wonders, "What is a Muck Fest? Is it a mix between mud and smuck? Is smuck a word?"
Essentially, the contestants have to complete a mud-run obstacle course. The "bride" who finishes first gets a date with Bachelor Chris in San Francisco while the rest of the women are flown home. We all know who is going to win this date, and as she does, "Rocky" plays. I can't make this up.
When she wins, she kisses both biceps and we realize that Bachelor Chris better keep her unless he wants his ass kicked.
Megan, the makeup artist, reacts to the win with, "Jillian should be wearing a tuxedo and not a dress."
Bachelor Chris and Jillian go to have dinner on a rooftop in San Francisco. Shocking, right? During the conversation, Bachelor Chris asks her what her five-year plan is. Jillian goes on quite a long rant about how ridiculous having a plan is, and instead tells Bachelor Chris her training regime over the last five years.
After listening to her for a while, Bachelor Chris drops a few gems, including, "it's nice to listen sometimes" and "I became very confused because her words come out much faster than I can comprehend. Occasionally as Jillian's words begin to flow over my head, I think of unicorns and dancing fairies. And they're beautiful." And now I wonder if he's gotten into Ashley's Ambien.
Jillian decides it's time to turn the tables. She asks Bachelor Chris, "Would you rather I sleep with a homeless girl, and you don't know what she has, and this bitch is talking to her own reflection, with a bird in her hair … the whole nine yards, or that I abstain from sex for four or five years?"
The producers pan to her confessing to viewers that, "I think things are going good." Back at the dinner table, Bachelor Chris picks up the rose, and we all know what's about to go down. The dramatic piano music starts playing to confirm. Bachelor Chris sends Jillian back to D.C. Hopefully there's a WOD early the next morning.
Bachelor Chris tells us, "If this doesn't work, I'm a little concerned about my potential in life," and I think he should probably be concerned about his potential in life already.
THE COCKTAIL PARTY
Megan, the makeup artist, went back to her stock of Ambien and the result is her "losing her train of thought" while trying to convey feelings for Bachelor Chris.
Pulling him aside, she reaches down her dress to pull out a blindfold. After covering his eyes, she tells him to stay there until she comes back. She brings a plate of chocolate and food back to him and says, "You have five senses but you can only use three. Touch, smell and taste."
She feeds him a chocolate covered raspberry and jokes, "I hope you're not allergic to anything" which is probably something she should have asked before putting it in his mouth. He tastes it, and thinks it's a banana. I'm not sure if this is for real, or just another innuendo.
After Megan's weird taste test, Kardashian is still on her virginity rant and is desperate to confess to Bachelor Chris, in case he didn't understand in the tent. When she finally confesses, she follows "I'm a virgin" with "but I'm not super-serious about it" and it's now imperative someone asks her what she thinks a virgin is.
We spend the next 10 minutes watching Kardashian ugly cry because her admission was so tough. Carly says, "Her mouth is not a virgin," and I'd like to take Carly out to happy hour. Becca, America's Sweetheart, confesses that she's also a virgin. Kardashian is even more upset.
Britt is fearful that she hasn't made an impression on Bachelor Chris this week, so when they're alone she basically accuses him of giving Kaitlyn a rose because she slept with him. Bachelor Chris is clearly upset by this and walks away without a hug or a kiss for the first time this season.
He's so upset that before he divulges who gets a rose, he addresses all of the women by saying he is there for a wife and if you don't believe him, you're welcome to go home.
Rose Ceremony:
No one tripped, but Bachelor Chris calls Ashley I and even she is surprised.
Eliminated: Jillian, who can now go back to doing flips in front of the White House. Ashley S, which is a huge disappointment. I hope someone still has her bottle of Ambien. Juelia, who I still didn't know was a contestant.
Chris takes Juelia outside to tell her goodbye because she has been through a lot. Cue dramatic music.
My Hometown Guesses:
Kaitly, because she's the funny one. But still pretty, because a woman can be both.
Becca, because she's America's Sweetheart.
Jade, because the family likes her now.
Britt, even though she screwed up this week.
Chris' Best Line From Episode 4: No contest. "Occasionally as Jillian's words begin to flow over my head, I think of unicorns and dancing fairies. And they're beautiful."