After nine weeks, we finally leave the Midwest and head to Bali for each of "The Bachelor's" three "fantasy suite" dates.
The first five minutes of this episode are essentially an ad for the resort, so it's clear ABC got a good deal for the trade. Chris, wearing a different button-down shirt for each shot, stares longingly at the resorts pool and its restaurant from a patio chair overlooking the ocean and on a rock as the sun sets. Since this is so boring, my mind drifts to how the humidity in Bali will affect both Chris' sweating problem and the final women's blowouts.
FANTASY SUITE DATE: KAITLYN
The first date is Kaitlyn, the girl who said Chris could "plow the f--- out of her anytime he wants," whom Chris takes to a sacred temple. When they arrive he shares that they can't kiss while they're there and I'm curious how either of them will make it through. I have no idea what they actually did on this date, but it involved wearing a basket on their heads.
After what feels like less than a minute, they leave the temple to walk the streets of Bali, and make their way into the jungle, where they feed bananas to monkeys. The most exciting part of this date is when a monkey pees on Chris. As a farmer, Chris is used to being peed on by animals, so he tells Kaitlyn, "a little pee-pee never hurt anyone" and I think that's a metaphor for her potential future.
After their day date, and a change of button-down shirts for Chris, they head to dinner, where they don't actually eat. They attempt a conversation but when they run out of different ways to say they "feel vulnerable," they cover the awkward silence by kissing loudly. All of this passion leads Chris to reveal the first fantasy suite date card. He asks Kaitlyn if she wants to spend the night. I'm guessing she got the first fantasy suite date because she is the girl who said Chris could "plow the f--- out of her anytime he wants."
The fantasy suite has an outdoor bathtub filled with roses in the shape of a heart and I laugh out loud. Kaitlyn tells Chris that she is falling completely in love with him, and he responds with, "I am falling in love with you, too," which validates he hasn't dated many women until ABC offered to help.
FANTASY SUITE DATE: WHITNEY
The morning after Chris spent the night with Kaitlyn, he meets Whitney, the fertility nurse who should have been a Disney princess, for their date. After she runs and jumps into his arms, we learn they are having a picnic on a boat. Whitney definitely got the better date option, and I assume it's because he thinks he has to try harder for an exciting night in the fantasy suite.
While they're cuddling on the boat, white wine in hand, Whitney talks a lot and Chris responds with, "yeah" every few seconds, and it's clear most of his conversations are with farm animals. I'm assuming he tires of hearing about her family drama, because he asks if she wants to jump in the water.
After their swim, Chris changes into another button-down shirt, and they head to dinner. Before they sit down, he tells the cameras that he thinks it would be crazy of her to leave her job to move to Iowa and things aren't looking great for Whitney at this point, but we haven't made it to the virgins fantasy suite date yet.
When Chris asks Whitney if she would be able to give up all of that to be in Arlington, population 500, she tells him that she would, despite her job. She says that her mom told her that if being a wife and mother didn't work out, she should have something else to fall back on and I'm not sure that is the best way to talk to your daughter about having a successful career.
Chris seems satisfied with this response, and gives her the option to join him in the fantasy suite. She says she would love to, and asks for the check. We see them close the curtains and that's all we get.
FANTASY SUITE DATE: BECCA
The morning after Chris spent the night with Whitney, he meets Becca, America's Sweetheart, for their date. The date starts with another walk, and I'm not sure if it's Bali or Chris that is boring, so I Google "things to do in Bali" and learn that it's Chris. The walk leads them to another temple and I'm starting to wonder about religion in Arlington, Iowa.
They speak with two mediums who tell them they are a great couple, and that they should "make love" tonight. Good one, ABC. After their temple visit, they stand in a creek in the middle of nowhere and make out. I am really confused by this date, but I venture to guess making out in a creek is a popular activity in Iowa.
Chris changes into another button-down shirt and we're at Night 3 of dinner-kissing before the fantasy suite card is read. We are reminded repeatedly that Becca is a virgin to ensure we know how hard this night could be for her. Pun intended.
She agrees to the fantasy suite date and after they grab champagne and sit on the couch, she confesses she is a virgin. Chris sighs really heavily before stuttering through, "It's never easy for me to respond to that" as though millions of women have confessed this to him before. He feeds her a few lines about respecting this decision before they close the blinds.
The next morning we see Becca walking along the beach alone and I wonder why none of the dates in Bali were on the beach. Chris tells us that they had a serious conversation the night before and he now has a lot to think about. He shares that he wants all three of the girls to meet his family and as dramatic music plays in the background, Chris wipes away tears.
Chris puts on another button-down shirt, and sits down to chat with Chris Harrison while more dramatic music plays. I am super distracted by how heavily and often Bachelor Chris sighs and how sweaty he is, but with those tell signs and the music, I think the point is that this is stressful for him.
ROSE CEREMONY
At a third temple, Bachelor Chris and Chris Harrison are wearing matching button-downs, while the women have matching sarongs on. I hope the woman going home gets to change before getting on a flight back home.
Before handing out the first rose, and after several more heavy sighs, Chris pulls Becca aside and we learn that their tough conversation from the fantasy suite date was that Becca didn't want to move to Arlington right away. If she is proposed to, she prefers to long-distance date at first, and I am positive Becca is the next Bachelorette.
Becca and Chris walk back into the rose ceremony where Whitney and Kaitlyn are both surprised, since they thought he would send Becca home after their chat.
Whitney gets the first rose. Becca gets the second rose and like I said … next "Bachelorette."
Chris asks Kaitlyn if he can walk her to the minivan waiting to take her home, and as they say goodbye, she asks, "What happened?" He creepily whispers, "there are certain things I just don't understand myself" and I say out loud "that's for sure." He tells her "there is no real right decision here" and I want to know how the winner of this season reacts to that statement.
She cries on his chest and I hope he has another button-down to change into after her makeup smears. Just kidding, I know he does. As Kaitlyn pulls away, Chris cries outside of the temple, exposing his armpit stains and it finally dawns on me why he owns so many button-down shirts.
Eliminated
Kaitlyn.
My Predictions
Same as last week: Whitney "wins," Becca is the next Bachelorette, and Kaitlyn and I become BFFs.
Chris' Best Line From Episode 9: "This is the most heart-wrenching decision I've ever been on. This decision is nothing but excruciating."