The episode begins with alliances of women sitting in different areas around the house, all talking about how much they despise Olivia, this season's mean girl, because Episode 3 is where we learn that everyone hates one another.
Chris Harrison finally arrives to tell everyone that this week, there will be one group date and two one-on-one dates.
FIRST DATE CARD
Jami, a bartender from Canada who we didn't see at all last week reads, "Lauren B., the sky's the limit. Ben" which probably excites Lauren B. mostly because she definitely has more airport puns "on board." Not at all sorry for that.
FIRST ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Ben brings Lauren B., the flight attendant with the airport puns, to an airport because who doesn't like to be taken on a date to their place of employment. We learn that they are going on a plane ride in a tiny airplane that "twists and turns" according to Ben and "only has one propeller" according to Lauren B., the airplane expert.
The camera shows us that Ben is wearing a bracelet that says "HOPE," and I think this was another suggestion by his gay best friend to entice desperate women. I need to meet Ben's gay best friend.
While they are trying to kiss each other with helmets and microphones on, they decide it's a good idea to fly the plane over the Bachelor Mansion, making the other women privy to their date — because Episode 3 is the episode everyone starts to hate one anothe.
They land the plane in the middle of nowhere and Ben gives Lauren B. a piggyback ride to a hot tub that is in the middle of nowhere. To be honest, I want to make the easy joke about this being the same hot tub he was just in with Caila, who should just spell her name Kayla like a normal person, but I'm distracted because for the first time I notice that Ben has a very large tattoo on his rib cage. I'm surprised at this because it's huge, and not only have I been watching this guy for two seasons, but I tend to spot things about Ben that are huge pretty quickly. Maybe I was just distracted last season by the mess that was JJ's tattoo.
As Ben and Lauren B. sit down for dinner, Ben asks, "What does life look like for you?" which makes no sense. She responds with, "I like simple things. Like my dad really takes care of his lawn," which also makes no sense. She goes on to say that she wants to give her kids the same childhood she had. I can't imagine ever telling a man that I wanted children on a first date.
Ben makes the 26-year-old mistake of asking, "How has no guy grabbed you up already?" Which basically means, "Tell me how long it's going to take before you are secretly reading my text messages when I'm in the shower."
At this time, the second date card arrives at the mansion, and Lauren H., who I only remember as the 15th Lauren this season, shares, "Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H., Jamie, Rachel, Lace and Emily. Love is the goal, Ben."
Back to Ben and Lauren B.'s riveting dinner conversation — Ben tells the camera that he "really wants this girl to know me," which to him means telling her that his dad has had triple bypass surgery. He shares this with her because in watching his mom go through that, he was reminded that love isn't always about the good stuff, it's also about the hard stuff. I'm pretty terrible, but even I don't feel right making a joke about this.
Lauren B. responds with, "I want to meet your family" and then quickly thereafter, "I didn't mean it like that." I'm not sure how else you could mean, "I want to meet your family."
He offers her the rose, she accepts and they make out.
Naturally, this over-the-top date is not finished because we haven't been to a private concert yet. Tonight we learn Lucy Angel is going to perform for them while they make out in the middle of a barn. I have no idea who Lucy Angel is, and clearly neither does Ben because he's not singing along like the night before when he also made out with a girl at a private concert. Ben needs some new moves.
The women arrive at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, where we learn they are going to play soccer because Ben wants to know which of the women are team players. If I were on this group date, I'd fake an injury immediately.
Ben introduces Alex Morgan and Kelley O'hara, who apparently are well-known soccer players.
Lauren H. shares that she has "zero ball-handling skills" and I'm guessing that's why she's single.
Chris Harrison tells the women that they will compete in a soccer match and the winning team gets to go to an after-party with Ben while the other team goes home. We then learn that they have to play two 15-minute halves, and a date has never sounded more miserable to me — which says a lot because I was surprised with a hike once and I was wearing expensive, nonathletic shoes and had my hair blown out.
Because this is "The Bachelor," the teams obviously tie and are forced into sudden death, which I guess in sports means whoever scores first now, wins.
Rachel, whose job is listed as "unemployed," hurts herself somehow but still decides to stay in the game, to "win" Ben's love. Olivia, this season's mean girl, tells us she is going to take advantage of Rachel's injury to win the game and kicks the ball straight at Rachel. Olivia definitely is one of those girls who "totally gets along better with men than women."
Once the winning team has cleaned up, they head to Century City, for some reason, to have cocktails. As Ben is talking to the group, Olivia, this season's mean girl, interrupts to ask if she can talk to him alone. She leads him up to a hotel room and immediately takes him out to the balcony to yell for the attention of the other women, ensuring they know that she and Ben are alone in a hotel room. I hate her.
After Ben and Olivia go into the hotel room, Amber, who is back on "The Bachelor" franchise for the third time, brings up the fact that Olivia has bad feet and terrible breath. I have never been more curious about what a person's feet look like — and I hate feet.
When Olivia returns to the group, Jami, the bartender from Canada who we didn't see at all last week, pulls her aside to tell her the girls were saying catty things about her appearance. Olivia immediately asks, "Is it my calves? My cankles?" and I think we've been given insight into why Olivia is a mean girl — you just can't be nice if you have fat ankles.
When Jami tells Olivia that it was more about her wack feet and terrible breath, Olivia responds with, "Perfection is so lame … so lame." Actually perfection is so not lame; have you seen Tim Riggins?
Ben gives Amber, who is back on "The Bachelor" franchise for the third time, the group date rose for a reason I do not understand, and she accepts.
The second one-on-one card arrives and Amanda, the mom from Orange County, reads, "Jubilee, love is in the air," which is confusing because I'm pretty sure that's exactly what the first one-on-one date card said at the beginning of this episode.
Jubilee, the war veteran with a collarbone tattoo, has been kind of nervous and uncomfortable leading up to this, so when she learns that Ben chose her, she screams at the top of her lungs. Clearly this woman with the collarbone tattoo is stable.
When Ben arrives to pick Jubilee up for their date, she scolds him for being 20 minutes late — but not for dating 20 other women — and jokes that she's not that excited about the date. When she goes outside and sees that they're going to take a ride in a helicopter, she says, "I'm going to die" and then asks the other girls, "Does anyone else want to go on this date?" before she walks away. I love a woman with jokes, but I'm not sure this is faring well for Jubes (which is seriously what the other women call her.)
The helicopter lands at Cal-a-Vie Health Spa in Vista, Calif., and I think to myself, "I can't wait to be rich." As they walk into the spa, they feed each other caviar and Jubilee gags, which is probably not a good sign. She then tells him that she is obsessed with hot dogs, so maybe she is the one who has zero ball-handling skills. That or she has watched a lot of porn.
They play shuffleboard and she suggests that "If I win, you have to kiss me and if you win, I have to kiss you" before saying "I ain't playin' white boy" at which I laugh out loud and rewind at least three times to make sure I caught everything there. I did.
They move to the hot tub, obviously, where Jubilee tells Ben she was nervous about how he would react to her calling him "white boy" and he responds with, "I ain't that white," which, to be fair, we can kind of vouch for after last week's episode introduction. She very sexually says, "So I've heard," and he giggles and turns bright red. I don't know what is actually going on at this point, to be honest.
They move from the hot tub to the pool, where they make out. Jubilee says that after this date she can see herself continuing this relationship of doing such simple things. Because you know, taking a private helicopter to Cal-a-Vie for caviar, shuffleboard and a pool overlooking the mountains in Vista is so simple.
As they sit down for dinner, Ben brings up Jubilee's confession about not having a desire to return to Haiti, where she was born before being adopted, and asks her to elaborate. She tells him that she doesn't want to go back alone because her entire family died there, which makes her feel guilty. Ben responds with, "Do you understand what you have done in life to bring you here? You are a strong woman. There is a lot of depth to you. I want to get to know those layers." He kisses her hand and offers her the rose. I'm just going to reiterate — I am certain he has a gay best friend who has trained him in how to treat women because straight dudes at 26 do not have this much couth.
The next morning when all the women wake up, each of them is surprised that Jubilee got a rose after hearing the things she'd said before getting in the helicopter with Ben the day before.
Surprisingly, Ben welcomes the women with, "I got a call this morning that two people who are close to my family were killed in a plane crash. Obviously that adds an element — I'm just a little down. I'm here to find somebody that when stuff like this happens, I can sit with and talk to." I assumed this would have lead to a group full of women who are looking to be someone's wife after nine weeks of knowing them to really attack Ben with how wonderful they would be as a wife, but I was wrong.
Of course, Olivia is the first to take him away from the group. One would expect that she wanted to be the contestant to console him after he shared such bad news less than two minutes ago. Instead, when they sit down she tells him that she hates her body from the waist down. She tears up and admits that people have made fun of her cankles her entire life and it's been really hard for her. I was once made fun of for having a large forehead but I'm not sure that would take precedence over my "boyfriend's" grief.
Next, Jubilee, the war veteran with the collarbone tattoo, asks Ben if she trusts him before leading him to a table to give him a massage because he's feeling bummed out. This is pretty smooth, actually, because No. 1, who in their right mind refuses a massage, and No. 2, this means they don't have to talk about the incident. Well played, Jubes.
The other women happen to come across this happening and are obviously upset with Jubilee. They claim it's because she already has a rose so she doesn't need to impress Ben tonight, but really it's because they didn't think of the massage first.
After the massage, Jubilee goes to hang by herself, and Amber, who is on "The Bachelor" franchise for the third time, interrupts by asking her to join the rest of the women inside the mansion to talk. Jubilee says she doesn't want to have a "girl chat," so Amber feels the need to bring the rest of the women outside, which is actually insane and probably an indicator as to why she is on "The Bachelor" franchise for the third time.
Jubilee reacts by going upstairs alone until Ben heads to check on her. As they're talking, Amber decides to interrupt them to chat about how she was bothered at the comments Jubilee made before her one-on-one with Ben. I am so confused by this and so certain Amber is crazy at the same time.
Ben shuts Amber down and says, "What I like about Jubilee is that she doesn't walk on eggshells. I want her to make jokes and feel comfortable," before looking at Jubilee and saying, "I had a great day with you yesterday, don't doubt that." I hate to drop a 26-year-old Ben line here, but if this is actually who Ben is, I don't know how he ended up on "The Bachelor."
When they get back to the rest of the women, Lace, this season's crazy chick, pulls Ben outside to quote her tattoo and tell him that she "needs to truly love herself before she can love someone else" and "I want to work on myself" before letting him know she is going home to do that. I have a lower-back tattoo that I think reads, "peace, love and happiness" in Chinese characters and I'm definitely using that in my next breakup.
After Lace leaves, the rose ceremony goes on as normal for the first time in like 11 seasons.
Jami, a bartender from Canada who we didn't see at all last week.
Shushanna, the Russian mathematician who can't speak English.
HOMETOWN DATE PREDICTIONS
Olivia, the news reporter who left her job to be with Ben and this season's mean girl, because she has him under her wide-mouthed smile.
Lauren B., because airport jokes.
Caila, who should spell her name Kayla like a normal person, because she feels like Ben's type to me. Since I know him so well and all.
Becca, the virgin from Chris Soules' season, because they were cast the same role essentially on "The Bachelor" franchise and it just works.
LINE OF THE NIGHT
When Jubilee was making jokes about her one-on-one date with Ben, Jami said she was being "awko-taco" and I was reminded that these people are all under the age of 25 so they say things like that. I can't believe she didn't say Jubilee was "LITERALLY being so awko-taco," to be honest.