As I mentioned last week, ABC is giving us extra "Bachelor" time with "Chris Tells All," followed by dates in Iowa on Sunday and a hometown date with each of the finalists' families on Monday.
THE BACHELOR TELLS ALL
"Chris Tells All" starts with Chris Harrison interviewing Kelsey, the fourth-grade teacher who loves to use big words to make other people feel dumb and was sent home last week, which doesn't make a lot of sense since she's not the bachelor.
The entire interview basically consists of Kelsey reiterating that she uses big words to make people feel dumb. In a 10-minute interview, she used the words "narcissistic," "flippant," "misconstrued," "condescending," "ameliorated," "tumultuous," "amassing," "remorseful" and "crucifixion."
Next, Chris Harrison and Bachelor Chris sit down to talk about the season so far. Bachelor Chris confesses, "It turns out I know less about women than I thought," and I think, "Duh, that's why you're on this show."
After that, we are essentially forced to rewatch parts of the season we were hoping to forget about. And we're going to have to talk about again during "The Women Tell All" in a few weeks.
To save you some time that I wish could have been saved for me, here's a brief breakdown:
Ashley S., the girl who loved to mix white wine and Ambien, was even more bizarre than what we saw on camera. Apparently, she spent her evenings wandering around set, sneaking into the production offices and stealing from craft services. Chris Harrison promises that her audition video made her seem normal, which was weird because they show clips of her audition video, and she did not seem normal in any capacity.
We are reminded of Jillian, the producer from D.C. who did cartwheels in front of the White House because she was from D.C., as they show multiple shots of her black-beam-covered butt. Bachelor Chris says he's a man, so "of course he didn't mind the tiny bikini bottoms."
Chris Harrison says, "One of the women that you had the hardest time letting go of was Juelia," which is strange, because honestly I didn't even remember she was on the show. Not sure how I missed this big "connection."
They show a few clips from the "love guru" date with Carly, the cruise-ship singer, and it is just as uncomfortable the second time as it was the first time.
We are reminded that Britt and Bachelor Chris make out a lot.
For a reason I'm not sure of, even as a publicist, Andi Dorfmann is now here to talk about her recent breakup with the guy she proposed to on her season. If they bring her back as "The Bachelorette" again, I may have to give up on this show.
Andi cries through the entire interview and I cannot think of any breakup I've ever been through that I would want to be interviewed about on national television a month after it happened. After 20 (seriously) minutes of her sobbing on TV, I'm just irritated that her face isn't red and her eyelashes are still intact. How do girls learn to do that?
Finally, that's over and we're back in Deadwood, S.D., for the cocktail party.
Megan, the makeup artist, pulls Chris aside first and blatantly asks him if he has feelings for her. He says "it's not there right now" for him, and she goes home.
For the first time this season, it feels like something realistic is happening… They date for a few weeks, she wants to know what their status is, he tells her he's not feeling it, they both move on.
Chris Harrison let's us know that there will still be a rose ceremony, and one more woman is going home.
Carly says she feels like she is going to puke or cry, and I wish she would pick one dramatic reaction and stick with it. Last week it was spontaneously combust, run or scream and now it's puke or cry.
Chris comes back in and lets the women know that he spoke with Chris Harrison and decided there won't be a rose ceremony, because he wants them all to join him in Iowa. The women jump and scream and express excitement and I am convinced none of them actually know what Iowa is, because I've been there.
FIRST DATE CARD
At their hotel, Britt finds a date card that reads, "Jade, join me in my hometown… Chris."
As Chris waits for Jade, the fashion designer with an organic makeup line, to arrive in Arlington, we see Chris standing on a farm talking to a cow, which just so happens to be named Bessie. As much as I wish I had, I didn't make this up.
Chris reminds us that a woman hasn't been in his hometown since he brought Andi there last season. With that and the aforementioned Chris Harrison interview -- I haven't figured out the connection yet, but I'm going to guess ABC has something up their sleeve.
As they look at one of the farms he owns, Chris says, "Land is one of my passions. I love owning it and working it." I hope "land" is code for something else.
After introducing Jade to "Jessica" and "Bennett" the cows, he tells her they can name a cow Jade, and basically this is why he's single.
Back at the hotel, Becca reads the second date card, and tells the women it says, "Whitney, let's look for love in Des Moines…Chris."
As Chris takes Jade to "downtown" Arlington on his motorcycle, he tells her there are no bars in the whole town, and at this point, I would leave. We also learn that there are no restaurants, movie theaters, coffee shops, malls or Targets. Let's be real, no one would survive living in a city without a Target.
He takes her to a high-school football game, and the most noticeable thing is that the cheerleaders don't have uniforms; they're wearing jeans and sweatshirts that don't match. I wonder where they got these outfits, since Arlington has nothing.
Jade meets Chris' parents for about 11 seconds and tells them that she's been having a lot of fun in Arlington. Jade and I have much different definitions of fun. Chris then takes her on a tour of his high school and I feel like I'm watching an episode of "One Tree Hill" season five. She tells him she can be rebellious, and I can't wait until he learns that she posed naked for Playboy.
Chris and Whitney, the fertility nurse who should have been a Disney princess, meet in Des Moines and their date is at an art gallery. Chris tells Whitney that their date is to take their own photos throughout the day, and they find every place in Des Moines to take a picture of them kissing.
Back at the hotel, Jade is talking about her time with Chris and Britt starts to cry. The girls decide that it would be a good idea to road trip to Arlington, without Chris inviting them or knowing of this, and my mouth drops to the ground. I've never seen this level of crazy, and you read about what I watched last week.
We see the girls, with the exception of Jade and Whitney, in the car on their way to Arlington. Apparently the surrounding towns also don't have any radio stations because they ride in total silence.
They get out of the car, and since this is such a small town, I don't know how it's unnoticeable that four attractive women wearing crop tops, booties and leopard print are walking around with cameras following them. They stop to ask a local where they should eat and, naturally, we learn it's the pastor, who tells them they have to leave Arlington to find such a place.
Then we're back in Des Moines, where Chris and Whitney are having dinner. As they're having a cocktail, three men approach the couple and Chris tells Whitney that they are three of his best friends. The only thing that I can pay attention to is that all of the sudden, being in Iowa and with Chris' friends, Whitney has a southern accent and tells these men that she's from Kentucky.
After the commercial, there is a knock at the hotel room door where all those remaining except Whitney are, and Jade yells, "Date card!"
She opens it to tell the ladies, "Britt, Carly, Kaitlyn, 'Icy' our future together…Chris."
They show a clip from Carly in the confessional making fun of Britt and her "rose-colored lip gloss" among other things, and we have our next round of frenemies.
After that confessional, we are in Des Moines again, and Chris' friends leave the date. I'm pretty sure one of them smacks the other on the backside, but that's beside the point.
Whitney then shares with Chris that if she stays and gets a hometown date, he won't meet either of her parents because her mother passed away and she doesn't have a relationship with her father. At this point, I make the decision that I'm going to have some of my girl friends over to play the game "what would your sad story be if you were on The Bachelor?"
When they leave the restaurant, Chris takes Whitney to see a mural of one of the photos they'd taken that day. She has a Disney-princess freak out while a bunch of teenage girls take photos on their iPhone to post on Facebook, because Chris is the biggest celebrity Des Moines teens have ever seen.
Whitney tells us that at that moment, she has fallen in love with Chris.
At the hotel, Jade decides that she wants to tell Carly she posed nude for Playboy
Carly reacts with, "A guy can think like, 'Oohhh yea, that's cool' or, 'Hey mom, don't Google my wife,'" and I laugh out loud.
As Britt, Carly and Kaitlyn walk onto an ice-skating rink, Chris says, "so obviously we're ice skating" and again, I laugh out loud. Thanks, Chris.
To no one's surprise, Britt "steals" Chris and they leave the other two women to go kiss for a while. Britt confesses to Chris that they drove to Arlington. I'm not a guy, but I know a lot of guys, and in the real world, this would not go over well.
Despite Britt telling the other women she couldn't live in such a small town, she tells Chris that she loved Arlington and we're left to guess who is going to tell Chris that she changed her opinion. Because as was seen last week, that's what the female contestants on "The Bachelor" do.
Carly is the next to get some time alone with Chris and, shocker… she tells Chris that Britt told the other girls that she didn't like Arlington. Basically, I should get a job as a psychic. Carly tells Chris that she is protective of him, and gets choked up. Girls are weird.
As the group-date contestants and Chris have drinks at the end of the date, he pulls Britt aside first to ask her again what her thoughts were on Arlington, since Carly told him Britt didn't like it. I feel like I'm in high school typing a note about what happened at lunch to my best friend right now.
He then asks her what she's looking for. She actually does a great job with this, regardless of if she means it or not. She avoids the question by saying, "it doesn't matter where I live, I just want to be a mom." Does Britt have a degree in PR?
Kaitlyn is pulled away next and expresses concern to Chris that they haven't connected in a while. He reassures her that she's "killed it from the beginning." I'm not exactly sure what that means, but I'm going to bet that she gets the rose tonight.
As I type that, he walks away for a minute, and guess what? Kaitlyn gets the rose. Excuse me while I fill out job applications for the psychic job I mentioned before.
When Kaitlyn and Chris return to Britt and Carly with the rose, Britt is visibly upset, cracks her knuckles and sighs heavily. It's about to go down. Britt tells the group she's confused and hurt, vulnerable and "in last place," which is a place her future husband wouldn't put her in. She shares that she doesn't want to introduce a man to her father who isn't sure he wants to make Britt his wife. Before walking away, Chris tells them, "This is a part of the journey that will continue tomorrow, and I'm excited to see all of you then."
Carly is excited that Britt showed Chris that "side of her," and Britt is embarrassed and crying, which is more embarrassing than anything she just said.
We are given a preview of tomorrow night and we see that he goes to meet the families of Becca, Jade and Kaitlyn. So it's either Britt or Carly who goes home in the rose ceremony, because Whitney already got a rose.
See you tomorrow.
Megan, the makeup artist.
My Hometown Guesses:
Kaitlyn, because she got a rose.
Whitney, because she got a rose.
Becca, because she's America's Sweetheart.
Jade, because they showed us this in the preview.
Britt, because Chris likes her more than Carly.
Chris' Best Line From Episode 7: "I'm kissing her outside of my old English classroom. I wouldn't call that English … I'd call it French."