Hola, rosa lovers! Welcome to my recap-o of episode dos of "El Bachelor."
The 18 lucky ladies and Molly the dog move into the mansion. Molly, like many dogs before her, takes a few laps in the pool, and the ladies discuss that Clare, the fake baby bump hairdresser, will be going on the first Juan-on-Juan date.
Clare is really excited about her date, entitled "Let's Chill Out." Despite not going to bars, not participating in on-line dating and not even being out on a date in a long time, her expectations are low: "I know this sounds crazy, but this could be the first date with my future husband."
I'm thinking this is not really the right venue for a girl who hasn't dated in a while, but what do I know? I also thought the fake pregnancy was a bad idea.
Juan Pablo arrives at the mansion, blindfolds Clare and tells her he LOOOOVEEES surprises. Clare, who is now the envy of the 50 shades of drunk girl from Sean's season, says that Juan Pablo smells like heaven in a bottle. Sorry, Clare, but what you are smelling is the expensive leather of that fabulous car and has nothing to do with Juan Pablo or heaven.
They arrive at their "dream" date, a winter wonderland in the middle of Los Angeles, complete with an ice skating rink and sledding on fake snow. Juan Pablo carries Clare out of the car, drops her on her ass on the ice and comments on how lucky he is to be in this magical fun winter wonderland. We in the rest of the country who just survived the polar vortex are not as impressed.
Clare pretends she doesn't know how to ice skate and falls to the ice so that Juan Pablo has to hold her up. How do you say "get on your feet, woman!" in Spanish?
It doesn't take much to awaken Clare's dormant inner non-dating alter-ego; after three minutes of skating, she decides that Juan Pablo is the man of her dreams. Of course he is.
No Bachelor "winter wonderland" date would be complete without a romp in a hot tub. Juan Pablo and Clare slither in, get cozy and get to know each other in under two minutes. Clare describes this date as a "fairytale," "perfect," "magical," "unreal" and, of course, "amazing." She says he makes her comfortable and at ease despite the fact they they have barely said two words to each other the entire date.
Clare gives Juan Pablo the most pathetic back rub in the history of hot tub rubs and tells him all about her daddy issues. Instead of recognizing the dead daddy conversation as his cue to jump out of the hot tub and run, Juan Pablo pulls a rose from out of his armpit and asks "will you esspet theese rose." Of course she says "yes," and we are treated to the first kiss of the season, during which there is no chemistry. Kissing Molly the dog would have been hotter.
As if this date wasn't boring enough, Juan Pablo and Clare eventually get out of the hot tub, walk barefoot across the cold snow and -- to their surprise (NOT) -- are treated to the first unknown singer concert of the season. They dance in their wet bathing suits with their bodies pressed together and pretend they are cold. It "snows" and Clare says that she is looking forward to their journey. It's not a journey, Clare, it's an adventura!
Back at the mansion, the ladies are hanging around waiting for the next date card to arrive. Free-spirit Lucy not only forgot her shoes, but apparentrly she also forgot her bathing suit top, since she is standing topless in the pool with a bunch of other ladies, telling them that she doesn't want to go on a one-on-one date because she does better in groups. In my opinion, group dating has always been the best strategy when trying to land a husband.
Molly the dog doubles as a postal officer and brings the next date card. Someone should call the ASPCA, because having Molly in a house with all those crazy women is definitely a form of animal abuse. At least Molly is cuter than the random coffee table that usually appears out of nowhere and delivers the date cards.
The second one-on-one date goes to Kat, and the card reads "I can feel the electricity." I am hoping that someone will drop a blow dryer into the pool and push Kat in, but instead Juan Pablo arrives at the mansion and whisks her off to a private jet. Kat is so excited, thinking about her future with Juan Pablo and how she could really get used to jet-setting with her Latin lover. I'm sure that's exactly the life you will lead back in Miami with "retired" Juan Pablo and little Cameeeelllla every Friday.
Kat is unaware of their destination ,but is hopeful that it will be somewhere private like New York City (proving that she knows nothing about New York City). Before they land, Juan Pablo hands her neon, flashing, light-up, LED-covered running attire and sneakers, and Kat finds herself at the start of a 5k in Salt Lake City. Kat is so excited to be on this special date; I guess she doesn't realize that anyone can have the same experience in a city near them, including private, secluded New York City, for only $55 by simply signing up on electricrun.com.
The entire date consists of walking/jogging/dancing three miles in the dark with a large crowd of screaming strangers, then dancing on a stage in front of said screaming strangers. I can't think of a better way to really get to know someone. Juan Pablo screams into the microphone, "Kat, will you esseept theeese rose?!" We are now two-for-two and Juan Pablo knows nothing about either girl.
The group date card arrives and invites the lucky 13 to "Say Cheese." Chelsie, Christy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria and Lucy hop into the limo and are off on their adventura.
Kelly is excited about this date, because it's either a photo shoot or a cheese-eating contest, and either way she's good and has it covered. Victoria is nervous because she just realized that all these women are here to date the same guy and she's worried that this will turn into a horror show. Or did she say whore show? Either way, she is right. Lucy's strategy is to lift her shirt and lead with her breasts as opposed to her dirty feet.
The limo arrives at an abandoned garage and as Juan Pablo lifts the metal door and leads them in, they are told they will be taking pictures and "doing it for a good cuss." Just what exactly is a "cuss?" Oh, you mean a good cause; I get it now.
The girls are then introduced to a "photographer" with a turquoise beard (I'm not so sure I trust that guy) who tells them that they are going to do the shoot in costume with dogs to help raise money for dogs in need. Apparently this "cuss" is for a charity that is so important to ABC that they don't even bother to tell you the name, but rather tell you to go on ABC.com for more information.
Too bad Molly wasn't invited. Maybe she would have found a husband; her odds are better than Kelly's.
Each girl has been assigned a costume and a dog. Chelise looks like Cruella de Vil (which will probably scare the crap out of the dogs). Kelly the dog lover is spray-painted brown and looks like dog poop with white spots. Lucy, who borrowed someone's shoes for this date, is dressed like a fire hydrant and is worried about being peed on. Cassandra is wearing a tiny dress that looks like it is made of Band-aids. Renee is dressed in an evening gown. Victoria is dressed as a lifeguard and pretends to give Juan Pablo CPR.
As ridiculous as the women look, they are much better off than Elise and Andi, whose costumes consist of small white rectangular signs that they are to hold in front of their naked lady parts. Andi the prosecutor, who has already proven that she is way too smart for Juan Pablo because she likes to read, is totally stressing out about this; she is not the girl who walks around naked. In fact, she reminds us that she is the girl who puts people in jail. I'm not sure what one thing has to do with another, but right about now Andi is feeling like her entire law school education is going down the pooper scooper.
Elise is also freaking out, because she knows that being naked will not make her a good role model to little Cameeelllla, nor will it impress the parents of her first-grade students back home.
After the photographer blows some smoke about how being naked in the shoot is in the best interest of the dogs, Elise shows that she is smarter that the average prosecutor and asks Free Spirit Lucy (who really likes being naked) if she will change costumes with her. Lucy is all too happy to hand over her fire hydrant outfit and go naked for the cause; she even takes a dog named Electra for a walk down the street completely naked to prove the point. Lucy is naked, not the dog.
While Juan Pablo is having a great time snuggling up to Renee and being rescued by lifeguard Victoria, Andi is sitting in the corner pouting about having to wear a sign. Eventually Juan Pablo comes in and sweet talks Andi into giving up her morals and her clothes with a promise that he too will be naked. That is all Andi needs to hear, and she agrees to pose naked with Lucy, Juan Pablo and his two furry friends. Oh and the two dogs too.
Fortunately for us, ABC blacked out all the pictures of Juan Pablo's junk and Lucy and Andi's lady parts. I'm not sure how these naked pictures will encourage people to adopt a shelter dog, and I told my daughters that if a man ever takes you to a garage in an alley and tells you that you will be taking naked pictures for charity, pull out the pepper spray and RUN.
Night falls and the group heads to a rooftop pool. All the ladies realize by now that their group date sucked and they want some one-on-one time with Juan Pablo. Cassandra takes him aside and tells him about her two-year-old son, Trey, which makes Juan Pablo so excited that he puts his hands over his mouth and squeals like a little girl.
It doesn't seem to matter to Juan Pablo that Cassandra is only a few years older than little Cameeelllla -- he whispers sweet nothings in her ear that I'm sure she doesn't understand. She is smitten despite the fact that he is old enough to be her father.
Renee, the other single mom, talks about her son, listens to Juan Pablo babble on about how Cameeeelllla dots her "i" and then unsuccessfully tries to kiss him. He is not interested and it looks to me like mama Renee has entered the dreaded friend zone. The evening drags on as each girl patiently waits her turn for some alone time with Juan Pablo. Except for Victoria, for whom "waiting patiently" means "pounding champagne."
On a couch across the roof, Nikki the pediatric nurse tries to give Victoria and her blue fingernails some advice, telling her to "tone it down" because everyone knows she is hammered. Victoria denies being drunk and slurs "this is how I always am sober. I'm just fun sober and Juan Pablo likes fun. If Juan Pablo were mine, I would straddle him all day because life is about straddling people."
Oh, so the key to happiness is straddling? Maybe she can put that on her match.com profile when she gets home. Then she adds this gem: "I'm not a dog, I'm just a bitch." I bet to a drunk girl that makes a lot of sense. To the rest of us, not so much.
Nikki has given up on saving Victoria and decides to let Juan Pablo carry her to a mattress with some pillows that has been set up in the rocks somewhere on the roof. While Juan Pablo is trying to listen to Nikki's heartbeat with an imaginary stethoscope, Victoria is in the pool, babbling to herself about straddling Juan Pablo and giving him the hymen maneuver because he is dying.
Victoria seems a little confused and must have forgotten that the hymen maneuver is what you use in the fantasy suite, not on a group date. Just when you think it couldn't get any worse, Victoria asks whose leg she has to hump to get some one-on-one time with Juan Pablo. I can't even watch this anymore.
Instead of just passing out like any good drunk girl should, Victoria turns into "crazy drunk girl" and goes on a booze-induced rampage to find her man. She stumbles across the rooftop and spots him sitting with Nikki. This now makes her "crazy pissed-off drunk girl" and no one wants to deal with that mess!
Upon seeing Juan Pablo and Nikki together, Victoria gives him the "oh no you didn't" hand, runs off to the bathroom, locks herself in a stall and becomes "crazy pissed-off crying drunk girl."
Renee, the self-appointed house mother (a/k/a Mrs. Garrett) crawls under the stall door and sits with Victoria, who has become "crazy pissed-off crying irrational drunk girl." Whose idea was it to not include the psychiatric nurse on this group date? Victoria could use a shot of Demerol right about now.
Angry drunk Victoria finally comes out of the bathroom but continues her downward spiral. She walks barefoot and bikinied to the nearest elevator, yelling at a producer that she is "Done, Done, Done" and wants to go home. Despite his pleas that she stay with him for their ratings, I mean her safety, Victoria DEMANDS to GO HOME! When she realizes he is not going to let her get in the elevator, she runs back to her favorite stall, sits on the floor and leans on the toilet. That nice cold toilet bowl is going to feel really good against her head in a few hours. That and a toasted bagel with bacon, egg and cheese and a hot chocolate and she will be good as new.
Being a gentleman, Juan Pablo goes into the bathroom, disguises the disgust in his voice and tries to coax her out of the stall. He feels badly about her situation and says he won't judge her. That certainly doesn't mean that the rest of us won't judge her, so judge away!
The group-date rose goes to Kelly the dog-lover for being a good sport and dressing like dog poop. Juan Pablo sends the girls home. Victoria goes to a hotel to dry out or get her stomach pumped -- whichever will sober her up enough so that ABC can send her on her way without worrying about incurring any legal liability.
The next morning, Juan Pablo arrives at Victoria's hotel room. She apologizes for "going off the crazy train." She blames her bad drunk behavior on the intensity with which she feels things and says that being with the other girls made her upset. She goes on to say that she is mortified about her behavior -- as are the rest of us -- and apologizes.
Victoria may have been apologetic, but once you go off the crazy train, there is no getting back on. Despite Juan Pablo's ability to understand that she was nervous, he in no way is going to let "crazy pissed off crying irrational insecure drunk girl" around Cameeeelllla. In Juan Pablo's eyes, women who get drunk are not ready to be in a relationship with his daughter. I beg to differ Juan Pablo. You try being a mom to three teenage girls and then judge me -- I mean her -- for tying one on and wearing a lamp shade every now and then.
In the end, Juan Pablo feels he did the "rightest thing" for his daughter. Don't let the champagne bottle hit you on the ass on the way out, Victoria.
The ladies are informed that Victoria has been sent home and they nod their heads and shoot judgmental glares towards each other, like they have never been mean, nasty sloppy drunks. Hypocrites.
Amy uses her one-on-one time with Juan Pablo to "interview" him, imaginary mic and all. Juan Pablo seems impressed with her interviewing skills and says she is pretty, fun and has a nice smile. That's because that's all he knows about her and he is making it up as he goes along. At this point it may be too late for Amy to reel-in Juan Pablo, but maybe ABC will be impressed with her interview skills and offer her a spot on "The View."
Sharleen is embarrassed by her rude treatment of Juan Pablo after he handed her the First Impression Rose last week, so as an apology she wore a dress that showed 97% of her left breast.
Cassandra is starting to miss her son, Trey, and wants to go home. Renee/Mrs. Garrett steps in and talks her out of leaving, which makes no sense because this is a competition and who encourages their much younger and prettier-by-the-way competition to stay? Renee should be showing Cassandra pictures of Trey and helping her pack!!
I guess Cassandra didn't realize that committing to this show would mean leaving her son behind, as opposed to all the other single parents who have missed their children over the past 26 seasons. I think the only reason Cassandra tried out for this show is because she wasn't picked to be on "16 and Pregnant."
Kat, Kelly and Clare have roses, and the remaining roses go to: Cassandra,Nikki, Andi, Elise,Sharleen,Renee, Danielle, Lucy, Alli, Chelsie, Lauren and Christy.
ABC wasn't impressed with Amy's interview skills, so she won't be working for them anytime soon. Chantel never stood a chance after wearing a tight, hot blue dress out of the limo.
Hasta la vista baby!