'The Bachelor' recap, Tractor races, zombie shooting and nose compliments

For The Baltimore Sun
The Bachelor thinks shooting up zombies is sexy.

Following the super-long premiere last week, we start Episode 2 with Kimberly, the yoga instructor eliminated last week, walking back into the mansion to ask Bachelor Chris for a second chance at love.

Chris Harrison tells Bachelor Chris there are "no rules" this season, so naturally Bachelor Chris and Kimberly come back into the mansion holding hands. Bachelor Chris explains he had too little time with her and wanted to get to know her better. Everyone in the house hates Kimberly starting now, but they clap for her and give hugs anyway. Because, it’s "The Bachelor." 

We see the women starting their day with mimosas, because dating is hard unless you’re drunk on national television competing with 20 other women for a guy who was in love on national television with a totally different woman last season.

Chris Harrison enters the mansion to explain the day's plans, but more importantly that Bachelor Chris lives at the end of their driveway. If we learned anything from Juan Pablo’s season, this means there will be a lot of sneaky house visits, likely resulting in penetration that becomes drama in the mansion.

They follow this announcement with a close up of Bachelor Chris taking a shower outside, validating that there will be penetration. 

First Date Card 

The first date card arrives, and we discover that Jane, Tandra, Ashley I., Mackenzie, Timberly and Tara have been selected for a group date. The card from Bachelor Chris reads either, “Show me your country. Chris,” or “Show me you’re country. Chris.” I’ll never know, but they could mean two totally different things.

First Group Date

Ashley I., the 26-year-old freelance writer, which I think is "The Bachelor’s" way of saying "blogger," makes a joke about being more Kardashian than country, and OMG, she could totally be the fourth (or seventh if you count Rob and the Jenner girls) Kardashian kid.

The group date is a pool party at Ten Ten Wilshire, which is hilarious on its own. Kimberly, the yoga instructor eliminated last week, pulls him aside to reiterate exactly what she already said that morning; she wants a fresh start. This time, though, instead of holding her hand and walking her back into the mansion, Bachelor Chris tells her that he’ll be right back, and walks around the corner and "introduces himself" as if they are meeting again for the first time. I have a crush on Bachelor Chris again.

Back at the mansion, Jillian, the news reporter from D.C. who does flips outside of the White House, and makeup artist Megan sneak over to Bachelor Chris’ house conveniently located at the end of the driveway, likely for penetration purposes. 

They see Bachelor Chris’ motorcycle, and Megan decides to try on the helmet. Once it’s on her head she says, “Just to make sure the [motorcycle] helmet is safe, I put it on and rammed my head into the brick wall” and now "The Bachelor" has officially made someone run their head into a brick wall ... and then into the refrigerator ... and then into another wall. Seriously. 

Also, throughout this secret visit, there is a black bar over Jillian’s "private area" and I wonder if she forgot to shave or if something serious is happening down there.

Back to the group date. After their pool party, they walk around downtown L.A. wearing only bikinis and heels. We learn quickly Bachelor Chris has never been to Los Angeles when he says, “We’re going to bring something to L.A. that I don’t think they’ve ever seen before.” He leads them to 4th Street, which is probably the most boring street in L.A., and puts them each on a tractor. I hope someone writes a softcore porn with this storyline. 

Leading up to the "race," the women talk about how competitive they are and how they are absolutely going to win. When they start their tractors, each woman acts surprised to learn tractors go about 2.8 mph. They should fare well in Iowa if they win.

As they’re racing, Bachelor Chris makes an uncomfortably weird noise, and tells a joke about old people. Both of which are regrettable on his part.

Ashley I. wins the race and in turn, a few minutes of alone time with Bachelor Chris. Ashley I. is wearing a dangly belly button ring and a necklace around her stomach reiterating that she is secretly a Kardashian.

Back at the mansion, we learn of the second single mother Chris Harrison promised us. Juelia, who I didn’t even know was a contestant, tells the girls not on the group date that she has a daughter named Ireland. Her next admission is that Ireland’s father committed suicide, and that’s where we’ll leave that. 

Back to the group date, where Bachelor Chris gives Mackenzie the rose and I’m pretty sure I heard all of Los Angeles react with “What?!”

Tara, the girl who almost didn’t get a rose last week because she was severely intoxicated, is really upset by this. I hope there is booze nearby.

Bachelor Chris takes Mackenzie to Escondite and my crush is intensified. This is probably one of the coolest places in Los Angeles, and I’m disappointed he brings Mackenzie here. Sorry, girl.

Bachelor Chris tells Mackenzie her dress is cute, and that is our first hint that she won’t last much further into the season. During the date, Mackenzie is clearly nervous (a.k.a. 21) and through her giggling, we hear her mumble to Bachelor Chris, “I have to ask … Did you ever have your ear pierced?” Followed by, “I’m super observant to weird stuff.” Followed by, “Wanna know something crazy? The top thing I like about a guy, like, looks specifically … they have to have a big nose. You have such a perfectly good nose. It’s like my perfect thing on a guy.” To which Bachelor Chris rightfully responds, “So I have a big nose?” And Mackenzie defends herself with “But it looks so good!”

At this point, we’re taken to the confessional (I don’t know if that’s what it’s called, but that’s what they called it on "The Real World," so I’m going with it) for Chris’ reaction, which was essentially “This is a terrible first date.” 

Back to the date, Mackenzie follows the big-nose admission by saying, “Another weird thing: Do you like aliens? Have you ever seen an alien?” Chris replies, “Ummm, I don’t know.”  

ABC predictably gives us a shot of Mackenzie telling the world she is nervous to tell Bachelor Chris about her son, because she doesn’t want him to think she’s a psychopath. I’m not sure how the two relate, but I also don’t have any children. 

Back to the date, I think Mackenzie has said “like” 942 times in the last 30 seconds. She tells him that she hasn’t been on a date in a year, and the reason is “super, duper, duper” hard for her to share. When she finally tells him she “has a kid” (her words) and hears him say, “That’s great," girlfriend takes out her phone, shows him photos of her son, who is named Kale, and the date conversation turns to Kale 101. It's actually a good transition from her sharing that she is turned on by big noses and aliens. 

For whatever reason, he gives her the rose, they dance alone in a corner and he kisses her. (I’m still pissed he took her to Escondite, btw.) 

After this date, it is absolutely clear that we’ll be banking on his Midwestern charm all season, whether it’s genuine or scripted. 

First One-on-One Date Card 

Megan, the makeup artist, gets a date card that reads, “Love is a natural wonder. Chris.” She doesn’t know if it’s a date card or a love letter from Bachelor Chris who has spoken to her for 18 seconds thus far. Before the date, she says, “I wish everyone could feel my insides right now” and I’m confused again. 

While they’re waiting for Bachelor Chris to pick Megan up, Mackenzie tells the rest of the house that he kissed her "like five times" last night, and we’re reminded again that she’s 21.

For their date, Bachelor Chris and Megan get in a limo, hold hands and drink champagne all the way to the airport to take a private plane to the Grand Canyon. This is why women are so unhappy with dating in the real world.

Megan drops another brilliant one-liner: “The butterflies in my stomach are colorful, and smiling and fluttering all over the place.” Maybe Megan is this season's Tierra and not Kaitlyn. 

With all of these brilliant sentiments, I think Megan should be the blogger called a freelance writer, and Kardashian should be the makeup artist. ABC, did you mix that up? 

They land in the middle of the Grand Canyon for a picnic by a dirty stream, where we are given the first sad story of the season. A baby admission and a sad story in Episode 2? Maybe Chris Harrison wasn’t kidding when he said this would be “the most dramatic and romantic season yet.” (Yeah right.)  

During the picnic by a dirty stream, Megan shares that her dad died right before she left for the show, implying she is there to find true love despite having a broken heart. So Megan is this season's Clare. Bachelor Chris tells us, “Knowing what I know now, I could see a future with her” and I’m confused. Again. They kiss, and if you’re keeping count, Chris has kissed Britt, Mackenzie and Megan. It’s the second episode. 

He gives Megan the rose, and when he puts his arm around her, I am shocked at his well-manicured nails. We watch them make out.

Second Group Date Card

When the second group date card arrives, we are told that Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S., Julia, Kaitlyn and Britt will join Bachelor Chris. The note reads, “til death do us part. Chris,” and the girls selected are disappointed.

The date begins as the limo pulls up to a creepy abandoned shed in the dark. The girls are greeted by zombies who aggressively attack the limo while they all scream and grab onto one another. Bachelor Chris "comes to the rescue" by sticking his head inside the limo.

Amber, this season's only black contestant, takes a shot of Fireball before getting out of the car. I’m curious if the Fireball was in the limo or if she brought it in her purse.

We find out that the group date consists of shooting zombies with paintball guns. If I were there, I’d go back to the limo and shoot the rest of Amber’s Fireball instead. 

The pretty girl from San Diego says, “Killing zombies is my jam.” And once again, I am confused.  

Ashley S. thinks they are all there to shoot each other, which would be much more entertaining.

Chris says he thinks it's sexy to see these girls shoot zombies. I Googled “sexy” to make sure I knew what it meant.   

For the second week in a row, Ashley S. acts like she snorted a bottle of Ambien before the date. This time, she begins by walking around in the dark while holding a paintball gun, mumbling to herself, waving the gun in the air and reshooting dead zombies.

After shooting fake zombies with paintball guns in a dark field as a date, they head over to a campfire, where Chris’ toast states that the girls “really killed it today” and I laugh.

We go back to the mansion for a minute to see that Jordan, the student from Canada who brought Bachelor Chris a mini-bottle of whiskey in the first episode, is plastered while wearing the exact outfit all students wear when they get home from the bar at night: A sorority tank top, a hot pink bra and sweatpants. She tries to show the other girls that she can twerk, but not before spitting on her hands for support. With a glass of white wine in hand, she makes fun of Jillian, the news reporter from D.C., for having a “hairy duff.” Basically, we’re at the Chi-O house and not "The Bachelor" mansion. 

Speaking of plastered, we’re taken back to the group date, where Ashley S. gives us another fantastic monologue. This time she tells us she would never shoot a person because she is a Christian. She thinks that a candle is an angel. When asked who she thinks will get the rose that night, she responds, “I don’t know, maybe an angel.” 

Chris takes Kaitlyn — the woman who said Bachelor Chris can “plow the f--- out of her field any day he wants” — aside where she tells him that she doesn’t want to have a serious conversation. She just wants to have fun and tell jokes. I don’t want to like Kaitlyn because I don’t understand girls who have a nose ring after college, but I’m starting to. Chris gives Kaitlyn the rose, proving that funny is often better than pretty. Kaitlyn is both.

Shockingly, Chris and Kaitlyn make out, bringing the count to four girls in two nights.

We get a few more minutes watching Ashley S. act bizarre in front of the other women before she goes over to see Chris. She tells Chris she wants to play Hide and Seek, but then I guess forgets that she says that because she asks him, “Ehat’s your biggest fear? Spiders, snakes, jumping or what?” Before he can answer, she interrupts him again by asking, “I’m sorry, are we in a dome?” She then walks into an area marked with clear signage reading “DO NOT ENTER” where she blatantly runs into the camera men. Speaking of, which contestant got kicked off the show for sleeping with a cameraman, again?  

A few more thoughts slurred by Ashley S. in this scene include:  

“Your leather [jacket] smells really great.”

“Are you holding up OK?” (Yes, this was her asking him and not the other way around.)

“I don’t even know what you’re asking me.” (Again, this was her asking him and not the other way around.)   

“You don’t want to lose the whole world right? But actually you don’t want to gain the whole world.”

Bachelor Chris tells Ashley S. that maybe they should spend some time together after she gets some sleep. She responds by abruptly walking away, waving goodbye and kneeling to the ground to talk to a cat that just happened to be there.

Britt, the waitress from Hollywood who gives “free hugs” on Hollywood Boulevard, and Chris sneak off for some alone time. He gives her a card that says “Free Kiss, From Chris” which he totally deserves credit for because it proves he paid attention to her “Free Hug, From Britt” card on the first night. They kiss, obviously. Five girls, two days.

(Side-note: Britt, can you let me know where you get your hair done in Hollywood? It looks great.) 

Cocktail Reception

Before we get into the details, mad props to the cameraman who zoomed in on Kardashian aggressively applying lip gloss while waiting for Bachelor Chris.

The cocktail reception starts with Whitney, the fertility nurse who should be a Disneyland princess, taking Bachelor Chris to an outdoor fireplace at the mansion, where she gives him a bottle of booze and says they should share a toast. It’s actually pretty clever. 

While Whitney and Chris share their bottle of booze, Kardashian “admits” to Mackenzie and Megan, the makeup artist, that she’s a virgin. And while that’s admirable if true, I have a few doubts. Mackenzie, who is 21, responds with, “Guys love when girls are virgins. I’m so jealous that you get to tell him that. I have a kid, so I can’t play that card” and at this point I think you should have to be a certain age to watch this show.

Five seconds after I wrote that last paragraph, and maybe 11 seconds after her confession, Kardashian takes Bachelor Chris outside where she shows him her "magic lamp" belly-button ring and tells him he can rub it three times to make a wish between now and whenever he runs out of wishes.

Listen, Kardashian, virgins don’t know tricks like that. She tells him he can make his first wish tonight, and he wishes for a kiss, which surprises no one. She tells him he has to rub it first, and there are so many scenes in this episode for porn plotlines. Once he rubs it, they aggressively make out. Six girls, two nights. 

Amber and Chris kiss. Seven girls, two nights.

Jordan, the student who brought Chris whiskey, is hammered again. I also think she’s wearing the same dress Selena Gomez wore to the Golden Globes after-party last night. She tells him she wants to kiss him and then doesn’t. She tells the camera she looks like a stalker and then asks them not to use that, so they do. 

Rose Ceremony

After Bachelor Chris deliberates with Chris Harrison, we are taken to the rose ceremony. 

Bachelor Chris calls Juelia’s name, and Jillian thinks he called her name instead, which is bad. Lucky for us, on her way to accept the rose that was not meant for her, she slips and breaks out into a terrible sounding noise that I think was meant to be laughter.

Tara, the girl who almost didn’t get a rose last week because she was severely intoxicated, looks like she’s going to have a panic attack through this whole thing. That or she’s just drunk again. 

Chris keeps Ashley S. and it’s either solely for our viewing pleasure, because he’s afraid of being murdered, or because his other remaining options were wasted. 

Eliminated:

Tara, the often intoxicated.

Kimberly, the yoga instructor he tried to send home last week.

Alissa, the flight attendant.

Jordan, the drunk sorority sister.

Tara goes on a rant about how being eliminated will haunt her forever, and I wonder if ABC offers therapists to the contestants.

My Hometown Guesses:

Britt, because I’m going to bet she’s the next "Bachelorette."

Kaitlyn, because he still enjoyed her weird sense of humor.

Kelsey, because she’s adorable.

Becca, because she’s the America's Sweetheart contestant (so far).

Best Bachelor Chris Line from Episode 2: “Holy Schnikes” after the Ashley S. debacle.

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