You guys are not even ready for this episode. I mean, did you eat today? Then you can't handle it, come back tomorrow. [/internet time swoosh] Okay, let's just dive in.
First up: the teams are still in Copenhagen. They taxi to a statue of Hans Christian Andersen. Hans has a plaque on his statue with a short poem on it, and a Roadblocking team member must memorize the poem, bike to a theater and perform the poem for a drama critic. If they mess up, or if they don't infuse it with enough drama, they must bike back to the statue and try again.
Ernie and Cindy stay ahead of the pack when Cindy incorporates dramatic pauses, pacing and arm flourishes in her performance.
Cathi and Snowboarder Tommy get lost on their way to the theater. Amani, who started out an hour behind them, finds the theater first and dramatically recites the poem. Bam! "You don't know who you're running with," she tells a gleeful Marcus.
Tommy and Sandy have to try twice because they had no pacing or arm gestures. Acting is all about arm gestures, you know. Trust me, I was in high school drama club.
After the Roadblock, the teams are sent to Legoland. Why? Because Legos were invented in Denmark, of course! They have to assemble a Lego puzzle while spinning in a teacup ride that isn't a teacup ride because it's themed as a pirate ride but, come on, it's a teacup ride.
Your age is showing
Raise your hand if just watching the teacup footage made you dizzy. Raise your other hand if the shot of the vomit bags in the teacup made you wish you had one. Don't even lie to me. Unless you're under age 20, or a professional snowboarder, this was not your cup of tea. (See what I did there?)
The teams finish this dizzy-fest in the order they arrive, and it looks as if no one used a vomit bag, so they all must just be a bunch of whiners, right? If they were really sick, they would have proved it.
Snowboarder Quote of the Week
Andy fights with a giant map in the back of the car. Tommy says, while driving, "You know what they say about people with big maps… a lot of places to go!"
The teams are sent to a train station in Hamburg, Germany, where all rankings are erased because there's only one train and it leaves at midnight. They get sleeping berths, which gives us:
Runner-up Quote of the Week
Marcus: "I hope my coffin's bigger than this!" Oh, Marcus. I will never tire of your "big man in a tiny uniform/car/bed" observations.
Perfect Race Prep of the Week
Reclaiming their title from Marcus, Ernie and Cindy win because Ernie lived in Germany for a year.
Perfect Race Prep Doesn't Make You Perfect
Unfortunately, Ernie and Cindy lose their connecting-train ticket at the train station. The observant camera points it out on the floor, but they don't see it. They can't afford to buy another, so they hop on the train anyway, hoping for a miracle. Miraculously, no train conductor collects tickets. Double points to Ernie for keeping a cool head while Cindy freaked out during the whole train ride.
Go look up the song "Tangerine Speedo" by Caviar. Bust out your funky moves. Shout "Zut alors!" Repeat the mantra, "No woman can resist a man who looks good in a Speedo." Keep this song in your happy place and return to it as needed as you read the next section.
Jean Claude van Damme You!
Everyone ends up in Brussels, where the producers' only options for a challenge were to emulate a certain '80s action star or to eat a lot of Brussels sprouts. And this ain't no eating party. Happy place, happy place!
Everyone has to wear a tangerine bikini or Speedo, get oiled up and perform a bodybuilding routine with 12 poses.
Sub-quote of the week, from Cathi: "Our kids are gonna die when they see this. I'm gonna die. It will be a family death."
Sub-Snowboarder quote of the week, while they oil each other up: "This is not how we prepare for a snowboard contest. At all."
I have to be honest here: No one looks that bad. Have hope, viewers, that you probably wouldn't look that bad in a bikini or Speedo, either. As long as you spray-tan first. But then again, going back to that song, I think I can resist all of these men, you know? Except maybe Ernie.
I'll skip the details, but the women in the audience certainly had a good time. Amani and Marcus pass their routine on the first try, Ernie and Cindy take two tries. Jeremy and Sandy pass the first time, too, although they started last. It's down to the Snowboarders and Grandma and Grandpa. I was suddenly worried that the Snowboarders, an excellent team, would be brought down by a lack of posing skills.
Amani and Marcus finish in first place! Yay for them! Phil tells them that they'll leave first on the next leg of the race, which begins … now! Oh, snap. And then it ends. I don't know if this counts as an actual Pit Stop with an elimination, or a non-elimination, but I don't think I saw Bill and Cathi in the scenes from next week. Maybe they're still in Belgium, working those poses. Someone get me a towel.