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'Survivor: South Pacific' recap: The finale

"Loyalties Will Be Broken"

…just like they've been broken every single season since Sue called Kelly a snake.  

We begin the final episode of "Survivor: South Pacific," and I still don't know whom I'm rooting for. Y'all know I love Rick, but, realistically, I don't think he has a chance of making it to the final two. If Coach wins, I can accept it, but I'm still not going to actively root for him. Sophie, maybe?

OK, I admit I wrote that bit before the episode began, but now it has, and I'm wondering why Anderson Cooper is talking about coral reefs on my TV right now -- is this part of the finale? Did something get pushed back because of football or something? (Yes, yes it did.)

And … it's now 8:34, and we're finally getting under way with the finale! And we start out with … a recap of everything that's happened so far this season. Which I won't be recapping; if you want to know what happened, go back and read my other recaps. One thing though -- the editors made sure to highlight Coach's promise to Ozzy to go to the final three with him. We'll see what happens with that -- it reminds me of an old theater saying: If you introduce a gun in the first act, it had better go off by the third.

At Redpemtion Island, Brandon arrives and talks about being stabbed in the back. No, Brandon, you were stabbed in the front. And you shouldn't refer to Coach (or Albert, or whoever) as your best friend because: a) you've only known him for a month; b) up until about five minutes ago, you were in competition with him for $1 million. He. Is. Not. Your. Best. Friend.

Back at Te Tuna, Coach and Sophie get mad at Albert for not giving back the Immunity Idol.  But really, what did they expect him to do? He knew that if he gave it back, he was gone. I probably would have done the same thing. If they want to blame someone, blame Brandon. Albert didn't ask him to give up immunity, he just didn't say no. Because he's playing for a million freakin' dollars.

Redemption Island duel time! Ozzy has to win this. There is no way that Brandon will take him out after this long of a run. The challenge this time is straightforward -- a simple endurance challenge to hold on to a pole the longest. They start out at what looks like about 10 feet up in the air. I'd be up there for about 30 seconds. Wow, this looks incredibly difficult. They both manage to hold on for almost an hour; Ozzy ekes out the victory. I almost feel as if I have to root for Ozzy based on his challenge performances alone.

And back at Te Tuna, it's a little awkward as Ozzy rejoins the tribe. Ozzy listens to Coach promise to take him to the final three but doesn't believe him. I think, at this point, Ozzy has no plans to ally himself with anyone, and his plan is to just keep winning immunity.

Oohh, Coach calls it "his game to lose." I am still waiting for hubris to come and bite him in the butt. And as learned as Coach is about Greek philosophy, he knows exactly what I'm talking about.

Immuity Challenge time! They have to build a house of cards while holding on to a balance board? This is like the Mad Libs of challenges. I'd be screwed because I'm left-handed. I call discrimination! This challenge is biased in favor of right-handed people.  

Sophie is asking Albert to drop his stack and come help her pick up pieces. Why would he do that? Oh, to get Ozzy out. Jeff puts the kibosh on that; no one is allowed to help anyone else. As you would expect from having to build a house of cards one-handed, this challenge is taking quite a while. Ozzy wins immunity as everyone else's house of cards crumble. Significant, no?

Back at camp, Ozzy is gleeful about winning the challenge and the predicament the former Upolu tribe members find themselves in. Unfortunately for me, talk has turned to Rick being voted out for being too likeable. Ozzy is pushing for Sophie to go home, and it looks as if he might be winning Rick over. I can see Ozzy's point of view - he's angling to try to get his challenge competition sent home.

Rick pegs Coach - he's really good at skirting the truth. 

Ozzy spills the beans about Coach promising to take him to the end.  When confronted about it by Albert, Coach does exactly what Rick describes and gets around giving a straight answer.

Tribal Council time. Since it's the last night he can use it, Coach is using the Immunity Idol to guarantee he gets to the final four. Rick makes the argument that he's not a threat, immunity-wise. Ozzy spills the beans some more, Coach tries to dissemble, and Sophie is personally offended that Ozzy didn't want to be her best friend. And Jeff calls her on it, which is awesome. Wow, these people need to get away from each other. 

And, as Dawn points out, Sophie seems to be breaking down. I think she just can't stand being around these people any more. She has a big long crying rant that basically comes down to: She's sick of these people, she's sick of the game, and she can't wait to leave these crazy people behind and have her dad meet her at the airport with banana bread and a cheeseburger. (Not in those words, of course.) Man, that speech actually made me like Sophie, and now I'm going to be sad if she gets voted out. It looks as if it will be eitherRick or Sophie, so I'm going to be sad either way. Why couldn't it be Albert? I wouldn't mind seeing Albert go.

And it's Rick. I'm sad, but not as sad as I thought I'd be, especially with his little tantrum on his way out. That was the first I've seen him engage in "Survivor" shenanigans, which is why I liked him in the first place. And probably why he was on screen so little - there was nothing interesting to show. In his last confessional, Rick is pissed at Coach and flat-out states that Ozzy has his vote.

Apparently Ozzy has a Plan A and a Plan B, and they both involve winning. Coach is pissy with Ozzy spilling the beans, mostly because it made Coach look like an ass, which screws up his game with everyone else. For someone who has supposedly played on a platform of honor and integrity, he's awful pissed about the truth coming out. And Ozzy wants to trust Coach, but he's been hurt before, so please be gentle with him.

When asked who he wants to go home, Ozzy tells Coach that he wants Albert and Sophie to make fire, which I like. It gives them some credit as competitors -- the one who is the best gets to stay. Plus, it avoids overly pissing one of them off when they are voted off before the other.

Last Immunity Challenge! It's an obstacle course/puzzle challenge, which I like because it doesn't favor the athletically inclined or the ones good at puzzles (puzzically-inclined?) Man, that obstacle course looks like a lot of fun, if you weren't running madly to stay in the game for $1 million. Ozzy is the first one back with all his puzzle pieces (by a long shot) but loses that lead struggling with the puzzle. And Sophie wins immunity! Good thing, too, or she probably would have been gone.

So now what happens? Who goes home: Coach, Albert, or Ozzy? It's in Sophie's best interest for either Coach or Ozzy to go home. 

Back at Te Tuna, all the men are sucking up to Sophie for a better chance to stay in the game. Rightfully, Ozzy does not trust Coach to take him to the end. OK, I'm flat-out saying this: if Coach is truly willing to walk the walk after all the talking the talk he's been doing, he should vote for Albert and let Ozzy and Albert fight it out making fire. If he does, I may cheer for him to win. If he doesn't, I will be rooting for him to lose.

Tribal Council time! Everyone is talking about how Coach has a big decision to make; why hasn't anyone brought up voting Coach out? Why does this not occur to anyone? Albert votes for Ozzy, with a very condescending speech while he's at it. Sophie votes for Ozzy and names herself the Dragonslayer. But who does Coach vote for?

Ozzy, that's who. I can see why Coach did this: Technically, he can play it off that he had more loyalty to his original alliance, but the real reason will be because he wasn't sure he could win in the final against Ozzy.

The next morning at Te Tuna, with all the challenges done, the final three find a smorgasbord of food. Now the question of how they will play themselves to the jury begins. Coach's philosophy of course includes a lot of metaphors about dragons and rising from the ashes (which is a phoenix, not a dragon, unless you're a Targaryen).

Final Tribal Council, where, as Jeff points out, the power has shifted from the Survivors to the jury. Albert is first to pander to the jury. Wow, he is going to be killed when it comes to the individual questions. Sophie comes across as much more genuine, but I think this is Coach's game to lose. 

Next up are the jury questions, and Brandon looks as if he is champing at the bit to get in front of these people and slam them for betraying him (which, for the record, they didn't). Ozzy is first, and he's nasty to every single one of them. What happened to being at peace with being voted out? Ozzy is being fierce, but his Pippi Longstocking braids are taking away from the effect. Coach admits to being dishonorable at times in order to stay in the game.

Jim wants Albert to tell him why Coach and Sophie shouldn't win, and he's not allowed to give a compliment first. Albert claims to have been the strategist behind the alliance, and calls Sophie out for being stuck up.

Dawn wants to understand Sophie's strategy; Sophie rather bluntly states that she's sitting there with Albert because she thinks she has a better chance of winning against him than against Rick.

Rick doesn't really have a question; he just wants to let everyone know that he's pissed and feels betrayed.

And here comes Brandon and his Crazy. He wants to know why Coach voted for him. Coach tries to turn him around by praising Jesus and pretending that he wasn't behind Brandon leaving. Brandon is still so totally voting for Coach. He also tries to get Albert to admit he knew Brandon was going home if he gave away the idol. Albert claims he didn't but Brandon doesn't believe him.

Whitney also doesn't really have a question and just calls everyone out on their faults. Sophie tries to redeem herself, but I don't think Whitney cares.

Edna is pissed, especially about the religious manipulation. But she also realizes manipulation is part of the game, and you can't hold it against the final three, just because they were better about it than the jury. No question from Edna.

Keith wants to know about Coach using the Immunity Idol; since he's been out of the game so long, he doesn't have much else to ask about. Sophie comes clean to knowing about Coach having the Immunity Idol way before the rest of Upolu in an attempt to throw Coach under the bus and make him look deceitful.

Cochran has realized Coach was manipulating him and that calling him Hercules was just flattery. I still think he's going to vote for Coach, and I also think that Coach does genuinely like him. Coach tries to call himself a horrible strategist, but, even if it's true, I don't think anyone believes him.

Before the voting starts, I would like to apologize for the length of this recap, but these people just would not. stop. talking. (Plus, hello, two-hour episode.)

Voting time! The only votes we see are Cochran, who votes for Coach, and Dawn, who votes for Sophie. Rick seems to struggle with who to vote for, since he's pissed at all of them. And then Jeff runs away with the votes, and is magically transported to L.A. months in the future where everyone looks a whole lot cleaner.

Jeff astutely points out that the key to winning "Survivor" is to manage to vote off your competitors but still get them to vote for you in the end.

Oh, poor Albert, I don't think anyone voted for him. Sophie wins in a 5-3 vote over Coach. I think, as Cochran stated when he voted, that Coach played a better game, and if he had toned down the honor and integrity thing, more people would have been behind him. On an ending note, since no one voted for Albert, what would have happened if there had been a tie?

And that's it for another season of "Survivor"! While I found it interesting, I wasn't emotionally invested in any of the players. I am happy that Sophie won, but I wouldn't have been horribly upset if Coach had won, either.

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