'Real Housewives of Miami' premiere recap, 'Til Lies Do Us Part'

Here we go again!

It's time to take the Bravo jet down to a little city where the heat is on all night, on the beach, till the break of dawn. Bravo's installment of America's paradise, Miami, is back and more twisted than ever, and it's only one episode in! Let's recap, shall we?


First and foremost, if you're an avid "Housewives" connoisseur like myself, you wait and wait for those cheesy intro taglines. While they're usually either a total hit or a total miss, one tagline in particular may leave you feeling sick to your stomach.

"Don't hate me because I have it all. Hate me because I'm beautiful," says Joanna Krupa in the first 30 seconds of the show. I have just one word for you, Ms. Krupa: Really? I really have to hear you say that EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK? As if Mondays weren't already bad enough for most of us...


Now that I've gotten that out of my system, let's continue. This entire episode seems as if we're establishing Team Lea vs. Team Adriana. Funny, I thought it was going to be Adrianna vs. Joanna 2.0. Silly commercials. I'm the guy that plays Princess Peach in anything Nintendo so obviously my eyes go straight to the pretty things. However, I'm also the guy who would choose Michelle Williams over Beyonce and was always way more Team Baby than Team Posh. So my interests switch, depending on moods.

With that said, I loved Joanna last season, I thought she was gorgeous (obviously) but also had an amazing head on her shoulders. Fearless? Yes. A masochist? Of course. But, she was so interesting that you couldn't help but like her. This season, however, Bravo is really capitalizing on the Joanna and Romain = Barbie and Ken thing. I'm not sure I'm digging it. Skipper was way more fun.

Alexia is a "Cuban doll who is back on the scene and living the dream." The stunning Alexia was an original Miami housewife in Season 1 but downgraded her roll to that oh-so-fun "Friends of Housewives" roll when her son, Frankie, was involved in an August 2011 car crash that left him in critical condition. She dropped everything to help him through surgeries and recoveries, and we see Frankie this season after a lot of progress, but still not quite back to the way he was. He may never be that person again.

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Alexia's older son, Peter, was charged with hitting a homeless man in his "private area" last year and Alexia is blaming his actions on the stress he's gone through with his brother's accident. I kind of get it. Kind of. Let's just say, I think Alexia is going to have the most relatable issues of the cast.

Lisa seems to have really missed her BFF Joanna and calls her out for not keeping in touch while she was working, to which Joanna refers to in her Housewife interview as "Lisa needing a job," the same way she referred to Lisa in my interview with her a couple weeks ago.

Lea Black — I'm still not sure how I feel about her 100 percent. Sometimes I love her, but I'm not sure I should. She's definitely a tell-it-how-she-sees-it kinda gal but sometimes her vision seems skewed. Is it editing? Is it dementia? I don't know. I love that little point thing she does on her tagline but I'm not sure who she is. All the girls say she is a manipulator and I can see that. But is it because this is what the Cuban Mean Girls want us to think?

Who are the Cuban Mean Girls, you ask? The Cuban Mean Girls consist of Alexia, former cast members (and current "Friends of Housewives") Marysol and Ana, and their Lindsay Loh- ahem, I mean newest recruit, Adriana. From what I gather, essentially, Lea paid Adriana to be her friend? OK, OK. That's not exactly what happened, but Lea and Adriana both agree that there was an exchange of currency during the friendship. And while that currency was Lea "helping a single mother get back on her two feet" by purchasing artwork and jewelry, Adriana seems to almost brush it off.

Why is any of this a big deal? Because as it turns out, Adriana has secretly been married for five years to her French love, Frederic. Adriana explains that back in 2008, when she and Frederic first met, he proposed to her after a couple of weeks. I guess the French really are as passionate as I've heard? When Adriana told her son Alex about the upcoming nuptials, the 9-year-old freaked out and basically started what Adriana considers an up-hill battle until Frederic finally called the wedding off.


This is all well and good ... but the license had already went through and they were apparently legally married! Adriana says she didn't feel married because she had not yet done so in the "eyes of God." Listen, I get it. You don't feel married because you have yet to experience the wedding, but you're married, sister. She then says that people should stop digging. HELLO? You're on a reality show! Of course people are going to dig!

Lisa tries to bring the girls together to let Adriana and Lea hash things out but Lea is a no show. Joanna and Adriana start going at it until Marysol drops the bomb that her mother, fan-fave Mama Elsa (and also probably the only reason Marysol was on the show to begin with) took an injury to the head and almost died. Just when you think Marysol is stealing a moment, you realize she's being genuine and the first episode ends as Joanna makes a "cheers to sisterhood and to Elsa."