'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' recap, 'Life's a Witch'

Kim Richards.

"Welcome to divorce, b---h."

This week's episode begins with Brandi naked in a bathtub, explaining to gal-pal Jennifer Gimenez that seeing as she's settled into her new digs, she no longer has much use for real estate boyfriend J.R. To that end, she plans to have "the talk" with him at dinner that evening.


And have "the talk" she does. When J.R. arrives to meet the freshly-bathed Brandi, she greets him with the double kiss of death, worrying J.R. He's right to be concerned — Brandi wastes no time getting to the point and telling him that their relationship is over. But she hopes they can still be friends! Especially since he's bonded with her kids and all.

It turns out that Brandi isn't just dumping J.R. because she no longer needs to find a home; rather, J.R. went on a "couples' trip" with friends to Austin, Texas without inviting or even informing Brandi until he was already on the plane. This triggered Brandi's trust issues, and that's a relationship deal-breaker for Glanville after what went down with ex-husband Eddie Cibrian.


Meet Joyce!

We spend some time observing new cast member Joyce in her natural habitat. First, Joyce accompanies Ivette, current Queen of the Universe," to be fitted for her bejeweled crown. Queen of the Universe is a pageant that Joyce created "to empower girls and give girls a platform." Joyce is no dummy — she'll have you know that she graduated high school at 16 and had two B.A.s under her belt by 19.

What else do we learn about Joyce? There was a teensy weensy scandal during her tenure as Miss Puerto Rico over some nearly-nude modeling pictures, but clever Joyce fixed that by calling Donald Trump's office directly and sweet-talking his secretary. Also, she lived in the Beverly Wilshire hotel when she first packed her bags and headed to L.A., a la Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

Lastly, we watch Joyce spend some Q.T. at home with her husband and two young sons. So far, Joyce seems kind of lovely (which is kind of boring).

Fainting with the Stars

Lisa is sort of hoping to be booted off "Dancing with the Stars," because she's plum tuckered out, but she's no quitter. She continues dancing in the competition against her doctor's advice — she should be taking it easy after that nasty (and possibly fake) fainting incident earlier in the week — but then she and Gleb are voted off the show anyway. At least she wins Pandora's "Coolest Mother Ever" award. And now she can get back to the business of being Lisa Vanderpump, classiest pot-stirrer in the 90210, so I think this loss is really a win for everyone.

Visiting "Harry Potter's House"

Carlton invites the women over for a get-to-know-each-other lunch, although she's still buzzing mad about that bee incident. Nanny Elizy, who we met last week, will double as Carlton's server for the gathering. Carlton describes Elizy as "Tinker Bell on crack," going on to say that, "She is bubbly and she's beautiful, and I like my son to be around beautiful women." Lucky little Cross.


Kim, Brandi and Joyce meet at Kyle's house and share a limo over to Carlton's. (Lisa's arriving late to lunch, and Yolanda has wisely decided to skip the drama-filled limo ride.) After a quick discussion of puppies and diarrhea, the girls move onto Lisa and DWTS. They all agree Lisa wanted to get kicked off the show, and Brandi shares that she's never seen anyone faint so pretty. She stops short of stating that Lisa faked the fall, but just barely. How quickly is this going to get back to Lisa, I wonder?

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When the women arrive at Carlton's, Kyle can't help but notice the abundance of crosses, and she asks Carlton if she was raised Catholic. The proper-when-she-feels-like-it Carlton is taken aback. It's uncouth to discuss religion with near-strangers! Then Lisa shows up with pretty flowers from her garden, and the mood momentarily lightens…until Brandi mentions the fainting "controversy" that happened in the limo. Yes, Brandi brings it up herself, but she puts most of the blame on Kyle.

The ladies take their drinks outside, perhaps hoping the fresh air will stave off the inevitable fighting. It doesn't. Kyle asks Carlton if she's ever "experimented with witchcraft," which Carlton finds "bloody rude." But c'mon, Kyle just meant "fun witchcraft." Still, Carlton won't be made fun of or have her Wiccan religion used for shock value. She explains that she has been involved in Wicca since she was 7; her grandmother practiced as well. But Kyle doesn't get it — aren't witches women flying on broomsticks with warts on their noses? Luckily for Kyle, Carlton explains to viewers that she only practices light magic because she has children now and "would never go to the dark side. Not again."

Kyle is full of questions this week, and won't drop the religion thing. When Carlton takes the women on a tour of her home, much is made by the ladies of her large master bed and all the "action" it could accommodate. Kyle, however, is fixated on the crosses above the bed. Doesn't that make Carlton feel guilty? Sweet Kyle could never do the nasty with Jesus hovering overhead.

Finally, the housewives sit down to eat. Even that causes conflict. Who will sit at the head of the table? Kyle takes the seat, and then tries to control the conversation by continuing to interview Carlton. How long did it take to build the house? Where is her husband born? How is Carlton associated with the Chamber of Commerce? Finally, Brandi interjects, "And what's your blood type?" which shuts Kyle up and allows Yolanda to share that when she met Carlton, she felt she had an edge to her and told Brandi so. Brandi clarifies that this was meant in a good way, that Carlton is a good "See You Next Tuesday." Carlton hates the c-word, but isn't insulted when Brandi uses it. Joyce can't understand how Carlton is offended by Kyle's religion talk but not by Brandi using the c-word. It would seem that Brandi just has the magic touch when it comes to Carlton.

Yolanda asks Carlton what she'd like the women to know her about her. "I love women," Carlton shares (for the zillionth time). She thinks women could rule the world if they just got out their own way. Brandi agrees, and suggests women should also stop sleeping with other women's husbands, a nod to her own marital woes but also an opening to bring up that rumor about Mauricio cheating on Kyle. This makes Kyle M-A-D, especially when the other women point out that where there's smoke, there's usually fire.


It's clear that factions are forming: Yolanda, Brandi, Lisa and Carlton versus Kyle and Joyce. Kim is Switzerland, if Switzerland is too busy playing with her dog to get very involved.

Next week: A drunk Mauricio offers to take a lie detector test! Carlton and Brandi go lingerie shopping! The women go to circus school together! Kyle calls Brandi a bully! Joyce gets her period! Stay tuned.