'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' recap, Kim's post-nose job party

Kim and her new nose are throwing a little party to debut her readjusted cartilage.

She also wants to celebrate her sobriety. Cute idea, having a coffee bar instead of a liquor bar.  The annoyed, strained smile on the barista's face when she suggested iced drinks was golden. Never have I seen so much thinly veiled disdain expressed so efficiently.

Kyle comes over with Portia and Taylor's daughter Kennedy (love that name). Portia, for one, is terrified of her Auntie Kim's taped-up face. Apparently, this is a thing for her, shrieking at the sight of fresh plastic surgery. A season or two back, she all-out cried at the sight of her paternal grandmother's face after a chemical peel.

Kyle's all, "We live in Beverly Hills. You'd better get used to it," but honestly, I can't blame her. Her grandma looked like the lobster thing from "Futurama" and expected this toddler not to lose it.

An unstable-sounding Taylor calls to tell Kim she can't make it ... because she just fell in love with some strange man and is about to hop on a flight to Beaver Creek with him. Kim's instantly hurt, but more importantly, Taylor seems surprised to learn that HER DAUGHTER, Kennedy, is already at the party with Kyle.

How do you not know where your child is? Especially when you're planning to run off with some unnamed guy you just "fell in love" with all of two days ago. What is really going on?

Like, she didn't even know where her child was ... and seemed perfectly cool with that.

Not to mention the fact that she's already had this strange man around her daughter -- that's Single Mom Dating Rule No. 1: No random men around your children. Especially your small children. This is definitely a plot from, like, 12 different Lifetime movies.

Kim thinks she's inebriated. Which would make sense -- especially since she's been drunk in at least half her scenes this season. Kim and Kyle share the news with Adrienne, Marisa and (ugh) Faye, who all seem to agree that it's a little odd that Kennedy spends so much time in Kyle's care.

Kyle tries to defend it, saying Kennedy longs to be in a house with other kids, but Marisa is right, this is a whole 'nother issue.

Adrienne's obvi being passive aggressive because Kim didn't have Paul do her nose job. Marisa awesomely says she'd love for him to do her nose like Adrienne's and Adrienne quickly denies having Paul do her nose.

Kim's plastic surgeon rolls through to unveil her nose. She finally comes out, and y'know ... I don't hate it. It's not like she really needed it, but at least it doesn't look like a beak.

More Adrienne and Paul. They're chilling at the pool with their kids when they smell burning. Lisa's old house is on fire. That'd be scary anyway, but especially in that dry climate. Adrienne wants to take the kids and leave, but Paul insists that the street is blocked off. Paul decides to stay and snaps a few iPhone pics of the blaze.

Kyle's throwing a white party, because that's all they do on this show: Throw parties so their friends can come to them and argue. This time, it's Brandi and Paul who are expected to start snarling at the sight of each other.

I can't even pretend to care at this point. Especially since this fight started over a rumor that we, the viewers, never got to actually hear. And after Adrienne's weak behind tried to deny ever getting her lawyer involved last episode? Done.

Unless Brandi throws a drink in Paul's face. Cause I totes want to see that.

In her confessional, Adrienne tries to be all nonchalant and mature about it. Because she's soooo much better than that child, Brandi. Whatever, girl.

In addition to Adrienne and Paul, Kyle has also invited Faye to this gathering. Is Kyle getting kicked a few extra thousand to facilitate all of this petty drama? Because this is like the zillionth time that she's just so happened to host a blatantly ill-fated party.

Adrienne advises Paul not to stoop to Brandi's level. Then she and Paul put on this big show for the cameras about calling their attorney to make sure no letter was sent to Brandi. But that s-----eating grin on Paul's face tells a different story.

OMG Lisa looks so awesome in that white gown. Normally the statement necklace-bold earrings-bedazzled gown combo would be a bit much, but she's just gorgeous right now.

Brandi and some of her never-before-seen friends roll through. Good job, bringing buffers.

For two mature people who are over the Brandi situation, Adrienne and Paul sure seem fixated on Brandi, Brandi's finances and Brandi's plastic surgery as they ride to the party. Then again, they may not have anything else camera-approved to discuss.

Did Yolanda really decide to never attend one of these parties again? Because she's not here and no one has mentioned her and I'm really upset because I wanted to see what she'd wear.

LOL at Adrienne's self-tanner leaving brown stains all over Kyle and Lisa's furniture! I always thought she was unnaturally brown. She doesn't let that stuff dry before she goes out into the world?

As promised, Taylor shows for the white party, and seems completely oblivious to the fact that this whole thing seems beyond shady. Kim's not buying Taylor's story but doesn't take it any further -- for now.

Brandi's anxious at the sight of Paul, and Lisa suggests she talk to Adrienne one-on-one. Paul's obviously not going to let that happen, but Brandi's friend goes to get Adrienne anyway. Paul can't just be a man and let his wife handle her catfight by herself. Brandi wanted to be calm and civil and Paul isn't the least bit about that.

They are still claiming that they haven't sent a letter, that their hands were tied and they had to hire a lawyer. Also, there's the issue of Adrienne and Paul's employee selling stories to Radar Online. Interesting.

Taylor and Lisa are both calling Kyle on her bull. She didn't let Camille into her party last year because Russell, Taylor's late husband, sent her a letter of intent to sue to Camille over a similar situation. And then Paul and Adrienne demanded that Taylor be kicked out and coined the phrase "Friends don't sue friends." But for some strange reason, it took multiple people to explain this to Kyle before she noticed the similarities.

Adrienne and Paul are still double-teaming Brandi, suggesting she watch what she say or get sued. Brandi reminds them that this is America ... so yeah, freedom of speech and all that. Plus, she told the truth, so whatever she said wasn't slander. No slander = no lawyers necessary.

In come the troops to break up this stupid argument. For the last time, friends don't sue friends, guys. Plus, to keep it 100, by Paul and Adrienne's logic, Lisa and Ken could've definitely sued Adrienne for accusing Lisa of selling stories.

Paul doesn't feel like he's done yelling at Brandi, so Ken tells him they'll talk when Paul is done with his bull----. Love Ken.

Paul and Adrienne refuse to admit that they're hypocrites, even when Taylor and Dwight calmly bring up the fact that they demanded Taylor be kicked out last year because of Russell's email. At this point, everyone seems adequately annoyed by Adrienne and Paul. Which begs the question: Why are any of you friends with these people?