'Jersey Shore' recap, The Situation is a 'Sneaky Dickens'

'Jersey Shore' recap, The Situation is a 'Sneaky Dickens'
On the latest episode, Mike (left) learns the ups and downs of having a girlfriend. (MTV)

Let me start by saying, "YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW I FEEL, NO IDEA!"

Once you see this episode, these words will be equally ingrained in your head like they are in mine, and it's annoying.


Deena and another one of her meltdowns dominate the first half of this episode. She continues to cry and scream at Ronnie and calls her parents to come get her.

"You have no idea how I feel. I can't explain how I feel, so I cry. I just hurt," explained Deena. The roommates "chalk it up" to Deena being drunk and tell her to go to bed and sleep it off. She insists it is not the alcohol talking and tries to explain why she is upset.

Vinny tried to shut the guys up, and when he could tell she was having an anxiety attack, he took her outside to talk her through it like the sweetheart that he is (when he wants to be).

While the two anxiety-ridden roommates pow-wowed outside, Ronnie calls Deena's mom and tells her not to come, but her parents are already 20 minutes away.

Once Deena comes back in the house and appears to be breathing regularly, the roommates leave for Karma and Deena stays tp wait for her parents. Deena tries to explain to her parents that she doesn't drink because she's depressed, but that she drinks because she is having a good time.

Deena's mom tries to convince her to stop day-drinking and just go out with the roommates like normal, but Deena makes it pretty clear she is going to continue to do what she wants, and tells her mom to stop  checking up on her so often.

You know what would make your mom stop worrying about you, Deena? If you stopped getting arrested, getting smashed on the boardwalk by yourself during the day and if you stopped calling her, bawling your eyes out every time you get wasted and need some support. Ever think of that?

The rest of the crew has a blast at Karma, and Mike continues to act like a "Sneaky Dickens," flirting and dancing with other girls that are not his girlfriend, Paula.

Vinny and Pauly both bring home girls and Vinny is nervous that he will break his vow of celibacy since it is not safe around any Spanish girls. After grinding all night, he takes her home, she falls asleep and he doesn't "get it in."

The next day, the house has a family barbecue, where they eat rather large hot dogs that trigger a slew of penal jokes and discuss Mike being a bad boyfriend. Mike, in all of his intelligence, doesn't understand why grinding with another girl is wrong, and that at the end of the day, Paula knows that he "lllllllloooovv ... cares about her a lot." That was a close one, he almost said the L-word.

My favorite quote of this conversation came when Ronnie said, "You can't dance with another girl, talk to another girl, hell, you can't even BLEEP-off while thinking about another girl — because they will know!"

After the barbecue, Sam, Deena's self-proclaimed BFF, decides to have an honest conversation with her about how she's been acting. She is harsh, but truthful, like a friend should be at some point.

Sam told her she was "different" now that she is with Chris, and cannot be herself when she is not with him without being sad. She says that they all like Chris but think she is "blowing it" by being overdramatic. Deena gets annoyed and doesn't want to hear it, so they agree to disagree.

In the confessional, Sam explains that Deena has "only-child syndrome" so everything has to be about her all the time, which I think drunkenly came out in the last episode when Ron and Sam said they were sick of her always talking about herself.


The next night, Chris comes to see Deena and she plans a double-date night with Mike and Paula for dinner and some rides on the boardwalk. It's a romantic night for the happy couple and not so nice for the newly Mr. and Mrs. Sitch, although Paula was not informed it went bad, so she thought it went super great.

The rest of the episode, Paula tells dirty jokes, holds up "The Shocker" on the rides and shows the roommate her butt-pads. The roommates think she is great, and has always been this way, but for Mike, it is like meeting an entirely new person that he does not like and that embarrasses him.

The part that really made me cringe was when he explains to her what "chalking it up" means. "'Chalking it up' means I have no control over what comes out of your mouth. It's all good when you just sit there and smile."

When he said this, I felt the same way I did when he said last episode that he wants to fix her teeth and the way she dresses. Really, Mike? I'm proud you are sober, but you still dress in ugly vests, have a messed-up face and say dumb, asinine things all day long. You might as well stick with the only girl who puts up with you, idiot. My new-found fandom for him is seriously waning at this point.

I've "chalked up" their relationship issues to the fact that Mike liked her when she was a sex-buddy, so he thought he wanted to "make it official," and now he realized what he looks for in a smush buddy and a potential wife are two completely different things. I don't think it's Paula that has suddenly changed.

With the way Mike treated her on the date, at home and then out at the club shows how little he respects her. I give it another week or two. The house unanimously agreed, "Mike hates Paula."

Things I Learned On This Episode of "Jersey Shore":

• "Sneaky Dickens" is someone who has a girlfriend but does almost all things single guys do.

• An accomplishment in Mike's world is each night he doesn't bring a girl home and cheat on Paula.

• Vinny's favorite skank is the ol' Rosie Palmer, aka his hand.

• Snooki is destined for a life of crime on the Jersey Shore.

• Snooki sometimes enjoys "The Shocker." Wow.

• The "Superman" and "Dolphin" are sex moves apparently.

Let me know what you thought of this week's episode on Twitter: @KT_HUTCH.