'Jersey Shore' recap, Final season premiere - where's the drama?

The guidos and guidettes are back together for one final season.
The guidos and guidettes are back together for one final season. (MTV)

It's so hard ... to say goodbye ... to  Jersey Shore (I hope you slowly sang that in your head just like I did!). But hey -- at least we have another season before we have to come to term with our emotions.

I was very excited when I found out that the premiere would be a double-header. It was so great to see all the cast members back in action times two, however I must say, it did lack the usual amount of drama.


I know, I know -- they just reunited and it's too early for people to be throwing wine bottles or each other's belongings outside, but the cast overall definitely seemed more mature. For now.

The Situation was the first at the Shore House because he wanted to surprise his roommates with a feast and with the new sober Sitch.


As many of us knew from the news, Mike had checked himself into rehab in between filming "Jersey Shore" seasons, however, I don't think it was ever confirmed for what. FINALLY we find out that it was for prescription drugs -- mainly, pain killers.

When I first saw the sober Mike, my heart did melt just a little. When the cast gets wasted and falls down, we laugh. Hell, when my friends or I get drunk and fall over, we laugh.

However, everything stops when it comes out that someone is actually addicted to pain killers and has an actual drinking problem.

I have said this before -- long before it came out that Mike was in rehab -- that I was a fan of his in Season 1. Sure, he was a tool and a half, but I loved that he was his own person, had his own phrases, and was really comfortable being who he was.


In the sequential seasons, however, I have not liked Mike at all. Like the other cast members have said: he's weird, he's paranoid, he's a schemer, he likes to stir the pot -- all of those things were completely true.

All of a sudden this fun-loving party boy attached to a killer 8-pack was wearing sunglasses in the club, losing his temper and causing unnecessary drama. Who wants to be around that?

Once I heard that Mike had gone to rehab, it all made sense. All of those were tall-tale signs of drug abuse. I felt bad in a way because clearly he just could not handle the overnight fame like so many other young celebrities in his situation (no pun intended).

My first thought was, did the roommates know? They have never come out and commented on being aware of his drug abuse while in the shore house, but must have known.

In the premiere, they all comment on how happy they are to see him sober, and how they had not seen 'this Mike' in so many years. Why didn't someone do something sooner? And why did the show let him continue on his destructive path without making his struggle apart of the show? Hmm.

To give you the low on all the characters in a short amount of time, I compiled a catch-up list:

Situation -- Currently sober, still seeing Paula but she's not the girlfriend, just the "closest thing to a girlfriend" if that makes sense, and he's healthier and more ripped than ever.

Snooki -- Pregnant and engaged to Jionni (in case you missed "Snooki & JWOWW") and no it's not Vinny's.

JWOWW -- Still with Roger (and if you haven't read, they're engaged! Squeal!)

Sam & Ron -- Yes, I lumped them together. They're back-in-action as a couple and "much more mature" this time around. We'll see.

Vinny -- Still same old "Vin" -- paler than the rest, wearing his dorky, hipster glasses; working on his anxiety and still in a full-blown bromance with Pauly.

Pauly -- Still same ole Pauly, tanner than ever, same signature 'do, and still fully involved with Vinny.

Deena -- Looking more amazing than ever. Girlfriend slimmed down, got veneers and looks great! She also has a new boo named Chris who she's madly in love with.

Now to the good stuff: The roommates show up to the house one by one and see that Mike has cooked them dinner. They all sit around the table like usual and Mike gives a speech about his sobriety and how he is clean and intends to stay that way.

Most of the house is happy and very supportive. Some are skeptical and some are not budging. (cough) Snooki.

Although she has a long list of reasons to hate Mike, she doesn't hate him -- she says she does not wish to be his friend anymore -- sober or not. Jenni stated, "I'll play ball until proven wrong."

The house gathers around Snooki to hear all about her baby news. Vinny reminisces by saying "I remember when she was like "Party's here!" and now it's like "Baby's here!" All the other girls are excited to poke her baby belly but her and Mike don't even hug hello.

Nicole gets frustrated because she can work out but has restrictions and can't tan and Deena cries because she misses her boyfriend and it's only day two. #MeatballProblems

The roommates decide to go to Karma for their first night out, and Snooki and Jionni go out to dinner instead. Snooki refuses to be "that pregnant chick at the club."

At Karma, we finally get to meet the infamous Chris, Deena's new boo. He is adorable and the guys of the house all seem to like him, which says a lot.  Amidst a conversation between Chris and Vinny about furniture, Deena bursts into tears because she thinks Vinny is making fun of her man.

I love Deena, but she made herself look so dumb. She was drunk and completely walked into the situation without hearing a word they were saying. Granted, we've all been there, and by "we" I mean drunk females. I can barely recall several times that may have happened to a "friend of mine" in college. Looking from the outside in -- wow, what a mess.

Deena cries for what seems like hours that night. She's already said it -- she has anxiety, she's emotional, she's struggling with a lot of things mentally -- especially being away from her man, and she let her emotions get the best of her. One strike for Deena. Let's not repeat this every drunken weekend. Deal?

Speaking of drunks, next we get to Ronnie and Sam. The "more mature" version of this couple gets in a fight on their first night out. Shocking.

Ron gets mad at Sam because she didn't eat before going out. That small issue turned into him telling her he's done with her. To top it all off, he says to her, "I have a million girls that can do what you do." The roommates chalk it up to him being "abducted" and called it "Ron-ing."

To my surprise, they are later seen walking home together like normal. Sam said she "let it go in one ear and out the other." It's cool she wants to be more laid back, but the word doormat came to mind, not "laid back." Then again, that is just the way those two are. Always have been, always will be -- if they stay together.

Karma did work out well for two of the roommates however, or so they thought. Pauly and Mike bring home two cute girls and are ready to get it in when Mike's girl tells him that her friend is on her "friend." So basically, the skinny chick who was straddling and making out with Pauly all night was not open for business.

Both Mike and Pauly agreed that that is not something they do with a 'random.' Very nicely and politely, Mike told the girls that they would all hang out another night and got their numbers. He really has perfected the jovial blow-off in the last couple of seasons at the shore. Bravo.


In the morning, Jenni and Roger are disgustinly hungover, Ronnie is puking in the bathroom and doesn't remember a thing, and everyone agrees to skip the gym. Mike sees his fellow roommates, and is glad that that is no longer him.


Snooki, Deena, and Pauly head to work and Snooki privately approaches Danny about getting her own place and he informs her he has an apartment right next door to the Shore house that's available. She lets the roommates in on the plan over dinner, and of course there are mixed emotions. They are sad, but understand that she needs to think of baby Lorenzo.

The next day the girls bond over lunch, rides, and shopping, and Jenni becomes the stand-in meatball with Deena at the bar. The boys bond over rides as well and Mike and Vinny connect over their struggles with keeping their minds clear and positive.

It was a great two episodes to kick off the season since there were several "aww" moments if you were quick enough to catch them. Now, back to the drama, please.

Things I learned on this episode of "Jersey Shore:"

In the Swag Handbook, Rule #667 states "You cannot have sex with a girl on her period unless it's your girlfriend, and she's been your girlfriend for a minute."

The term "Eskimo Brothers" means two guys that have had sex with the same girl. For example, Vinny and Jionni are Eskimo brothers.

Snooki's baby's name is going to be Lorenzo Luscious LaValle. LLL. Really girl? SMDH.

Integrity means high morals, self-worth, etc. NOT shame. This and all things of importance in life can be learned at a bar instead of going to class.

Hope you liked my double-header of a review. Agree with me or agree to disagree with me -- let me know @KT_HUTCH