I'll admit it. I kind of hate what Miley Cyrus has done to popular culture (even though I secretly jam out to #Bangerz on a somewhat regular basis.) For one, the tongue thing drives me insane. Every time I see her tongue, I feel like it looks thirsty and I have this urge to throw an open bottle of Fiji at my TV.
I sometimes feel uncomfortable with the amount of skin she chooses to show, mostly because she's built like a boy in middle school, so that makes things really weird. Also, I'm pretty sure I pulled a quad at the Pride block party last year twerking to "We Can't Stop." For these reasons and more, I went all last week absolutely dead-set on hating tonight's episode of "Glee."
But I absolutely loved it.
"Glee nailed tonight for the first time all season and made me feel like I was watching the show I've loved for the last four years.
It all starts when Tina secretly records Blaine twerking in the choir room alone. After sharing the video with the class, Mr. Schuester realizes that twerking might just be what New Directions needs to edge up their "America's Sweetheart" image.
After Jake explains other names for twerking, such as the "P" Pop and Sissy Bounce, Kitty teaches all the "basic bitches" how to make the move happen. If you followed along (and maybe backed your DVR up a couple of times), you probably weren't alone. I imagine a lot of the show's target audience threw down their bonbons and popped their booties tonight for a bit.
Sue Sylvester, once again lurking in the shadows, sees New Directions popping their baby makers and has something to say about the matter. In fact, she's totally on my side. She returns to an episode of "Sue's Corner" on the local Lima News. And just how does Sue "C" It?
She issues a call-to-arms against both Miley and the "genital flapping dance known as twerking." She attempts to ban it not only at McKinley High, but all over the state of Ohio.
The defies their principal by singing the Robin Thicke summer anthem "Blurred Lines," which innocent Will thinks is a song about drawing lines in war. Sue sets him straight, saying, "you need to back your ass up to the fact that you, a married 37-year-old, just performed a song about coercive sexual advances as nine minors twerked along you down the hallways of a public high school."
Apparently this is grounds for firing a teacher? Who knew? At any rate, Will, claiming his 1st Amendment rights, reenacts a famous Sue rebellion scene as he pushes things off desks, throws a coat hanger and even riles Becky up so much that she pushes over a random xylophone.
While all of this twerk talk is happening, Unique is having some serious gender-association issues. She knows who she is, she just wishes the rest of the world could see her the way she feels. After having a run-in with Bri in the ladies bathroom, Unique must use the men's bathroom. While in there, a couple of football players make fun of her, call her names, humiliate her and snatch the wig off her head before flushing it in the toilet.
This segues into one of the single best "Glee" performances ever, as Unique sings "If I Were A Boy." Excuse me, Unique SLAYS "If I Were A Boy." I honestly had more of a tear in my eye during that one moving song than I did the entire Cory Monteith tribute.
At the end of this story arch, Will agrees to end twerking if Sue will give Unique keys to the single-stall faculty restroom.
Speaking of Bri, she tells Marley about having slept with Jake, thereby ruining "Jarley." This leads to a very aggressive performance of "Wrecking Ball" by Marley as she throws bricks through windows and smashes things.
In New York, Rachel surprises her director and co-star with a bob haircut, saying she's "been through hell and needed to shed some skin." Upon initial shock, it seems as though she's going to be in big trouble -- until she gives a flawless performance of "You Are Woman, I Am Man" and the director applauds her bravery.
When relaying the story to Kurt, he asks why she wasn't afraid of losing it all. She simply tells him how great it was to feel something again. This leads the two to chug shots of limoncello and get tattoos together.
Kurt wants to make a statement with an "It Gets Better" tattoo. The next morningm he finds that his tattoo says "It's Gets Better," and that Rachel didn't go through with hers.
Going back to the tattoo parlor that night and spewing angry insults at the artist, Kurt realizes that he spelled the tattoo wrong and that he got what he asked for. The tattoo guy shares stories with Kurt and changes his tat to "It's Got Bette Midler," even throwing in a free tongue piercing! SCORE!
Rachel apologizes again to Kurt about not getting the tattoo, saying there was nothing she could put on her body permanently that she'd be happy with for the next 50 years. That's when she heads to her bathroom, lifts up her shirt and the word "Finn" is tattooed on her side.