"Hello, I'm America's Jane Lynch," Jane Lynch says as she snaps a heavy duty cleaning glove on her left hand to stick coal in the stockings of Cloris Leachman, Meryl Streep, Melissa McCarthy and Edie Falco.
She explains to the viewers that Fox had taped a Christmas special in 2012 titled "Rough Trade Santa," but it was entirely too inappropriate to air, so it sat in the vault. Until tonight.
We'll never get to see the original episode. An episode which contained the answers as to why Blaine Anderson is obsessed with yule logs and why Will Schuester decided to abandon all of his Washington, D.C., dreams to come back to New Directions.
Something else isn't explained, though. Hmmmm... What could it be? Oh yeah.
I'm going to continue to be this guy. You can't take a time machine back to a lost episode and not mention Finn at all. This is so annoying and unrealistic to me. I know you all have to be feeling this, too. Right? RIGHT? Whatever.
Let's head to Lima, where the new directions are in the middle of a school-wide Christmas Tree decorating contest as well as casting a live nativity scene. When Jake is picked to be Joseph because Coach Beiste describes Joseph as a "very tan Jewish man," Marley wants to audition for the Virgin Mary. When Kitty responds with "...nobody's tickled inside your musty mildew Granny panties except the family of crickets that lives in there," we kind of get the feeling that maybe Kitty thinks Marley is a prude (irony at it's finest?)
In addition to this, that annoying "Diva Tina" is back and I'm over her as soon as I see her. And again... for the love of all things holy, can we please do something different with Becky's character? The fact that she watches Showtime's "Gigalos" is bad enough, but when she refers to Sam and Tina as "sluts" and "bitches," that's just cray cray.
Actually, the cray cray part is when she says (and I quote), "Hold it right there, sluts. This is mistletoe and I'm super horny so you better give me some tongue. I mean it, bitch. I want to lick those Asian tonsils and then once you got me all worked up, I can make you fresh meat cuz it's Christmas, and I'm loose."
Sue, of course, is named the Christmas Tree judge and Marley is chosen for Mary. Surprisingly, Sue chooses Glee Club as the winner and Kitty tells Marley she didn't audition for Virgin Mary because she feels more like Mary Magdalene.
Unique sings The Supremes' "Love Child" with Tina and Marley -- COMPLETE with giving birth to a baby Jesus in the middle of the song. Kitty is put in as the Virgin Mary with the club. In addition to this, the Ohio kids sing "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree," "Mary's Boy Child," and "Away In a Manger."
The New York situation is very different! Santana is visiting her friends as she's trying to get over Brittany dumping her... Remember this, anyone? Again with the "Where's Finn?"
This performance has all four major couples breaking up. Yet (while not focusing on Will and Emma) Santana and Kurt are "newly single," but Rachel doesn't even mention that she's broken up from Finn? You can't just talk about half the story lines if you're going to do this, "Glee." All or nothing... Those of us who are sticking by your side deserve it.
Anyway... Rachel gets Kurt and Santana jobs as elves at the local mall and things don't go that well. After a very drunk Santa Claus comes on to Santana and Rachel and then throws every gay stereotype/slur Kurt's direction, they need to take over.
Santana, who had somehow managed to slip back to the New York loft's bathtub, must return to the mall as Mrs. Claus. Only... really? Santana is R-U-D-E!
One little girl wants a Doc McStuffins doll, only Santana tells her that playing doctor at her age is a little "molesty." She tells another kid's parents that they need to watch his fat intake because he weighs as much as Mrs. Claus. Another, who asks for a learning computer, is told that he will get an iPad because he can't even watch porn on whatever it was that he asked for.
As one kid approaches, Santana actually says, "Whoa. Stop right there, you look a little Jewish. Am I right, Rachel?" And one poor little girl is told she looks just like Santana's ex-lesbian lover, Brittany S. Pierce.
Obviously, Santana's not really cut out for the job.
Enter Bryce Johnson's incredibly sculpted body as half-naked Santa. I guess now that "Pretty Little Liars" has killed him off, he has time to come onto the set of "Glee," sweep Kurt off his feet and then rob the New York kids blind. "Bad Santa," indeed.
Somehow, the abbed-out Santa wearing only overalls gets his way into the loft, gets the kids drunk during a helium-filled rendition of "The Chipmunks Song," ties Kurt up with the aforementioned suspenders and makes off with all their valuables. Hopefully he didn't take Lady Hummel's new gifts from Santana -- the "My Pretty Princess All Jazzed Up Styling Head" and an all-expenses-paid trip to Dildo Island in Canada.
Eh, well, he did say he swung both ways.
We are also treated to a lovely rendition of "Here Comes Santa Claus" by the New York cast.
"Glee" is really reaching, right? Well, they announced today that they'd be back in February! Let's get our act together!