Well, this has been a fun year with the Lyon family. As we say farewell to Season 2 of "Empire," we are served several dishes to whet our appetites until we meet again.
I must confess, the first 30 minutes this week were a complete *yawn*. I was like, "Is this really it? Is this how we're going to end Season 2?" Thankfully, the last 20 minutes contained enough action to simulate a comet hell-bent on Armageddon. I was no longer debating on draining the rest of my bottle of rosé and immediately passing out.
We begin this week with a general breath of relief to discover Jamal is not dead. The Lyon family is home, at Lucious' compound, and planning a welcome home party for him complete with banners and balloons — in black and gold of course.
We also learn that Matriarch Walker was kept from speaking to the reporters last week, and potentially spilling deep, dark family secrets, by the rapid slithering of Thirsty, Esquire. Another drop of the shoulders in relief, am I right? There is always concern Madame Walker will cause some kind of fresh hell mess.
That tied up nicely. Jamal is alive and healing, and Momma Krazy is taking her meds. Life is good.
Until the next scene where Anika meets Cookie and Lucious at Empire to deliver the news that the Feds had picked her up last week to question her regarding Lucious' previous behaviors. This Anika, always finding a way to play with the Lyons. I do admit she may have had the correct intentions here to help, if only not out of self-help.
While lounging on the plush furniture retelling the story to Lucious and Cookie, we are rudely interrupted by a left hook and potential Bautista haymaker to Anika's face from the usually country-club proper Rhonda. This is what I've been waiting for all season.
Rhonda is finally publicly declaring that Boo Boo Kitty pushed her down the stairs of her home, causing her to lose her baby. The red soles of those Louboutins, man, they indict you every time. I was expecting a confrontation but not a punch and bloody nose, which was nice because Anika definitely deserved this — even if she was pregnant.
Sadly, none of the Lyon family believes Rhonda, including her own husband, and she flies off to L.A. to oversee a friend's clothing launch. I feel bad for her, as she's finally realized the truth, but her "ride or die" husband has completely thrown her under the bus and started calling her crazy ... after he just went through his own loop of crazy, where she stuck by his side the whole time. Marriage, eh?
As Cookie and Lucious sip on some mid-morning drinks to process the Anika punch, we find out Lucious had four, not three, people murdered while Cookie was in prison. Cookie now has to deal with the cleanup, as usual.
Speaking of cleanup: We see a very depressed Jamal this week at first as he is still reeling from being shot at the ASAs, but in a rare moment of fatherly love (and I do mean rare, or guilt maybe?), Lucious decides to visit Freda inside jail where he naturally lies to her about killing her father, but also convinces her to record a song for Jamal.
Freda is now apparently Jamal's spirit animal because after hearing her on-point beats, he is magically awakened from his depression and starts writing music again. Touching? Meh. More like TV filler but it serves its purpose, and the song isn't even that good.
After Cookie swoops down into the projects one more time to meet some people from her and Lucious' "old days," we're introduced to a rapper named Shine Johnson whom Cookie needs to placate to keep silent on the murders. There is a TON of foreshadowing here, but the scene stealer is really the monogrammed hat, jacket, skirt, bag and shoes Cookie is wearing to visit Shine. Like, what was wardrobe thinking?
And on the subject of fashion this week, was I the only one who noticed they had Cookie looking … older? I'm not sure what the goal was, but her makeup in particular was a bit jagged, like a drunk 9-year-old was given a crayon and told to "make the lady pretty." I am usually gushing over Cookie's outfits, but this week was seriously terrible. I pray they get it together for season three.
Back at Empire, we FINALLY get some real action this week with 20 minutes left in the season finale. Hakeem busts in during a board meeting to declare an emergency and seriously, my mind went through about 50 situations that could have been an "emergency" but not the one that the writers choose — which is good.
As Cookie and Lucious rush to follow Hakeem, we find Anika on the edge of a railing overlooking downtown Manhattan, about to hurl herself off the balcony and onto the streets below, in a very Cynthia Swann Griffin from "The First Wives Club" move. Anika, crying and yelling she would rather kill herself than "snitch" on Lucious to the Feds, is pulling out all the dramatic stops to try and convince the Lyon clan she did not kill Rhonda's baby.
Cookie saves the day by convincing Anika she is now a member of the Lyon family due to carrying Hakeem's child, and in a rather emotionally touching scene, pulls Anika — her once rival — off the balcony and into her tear-stained arms. Day. Saved.
As we rapidly move through the last 15 minutes of the episode, we finally come to the pièce de résistance this week, Hakeem's wedding. This piece is gorgeous. It's exactly what I always envision my wedding to Jamal — *ahem* anyone — to be. The main ball room is a glittering, lavish setting complete with Champagne fountains and fashionably dressed guests all somehow connected to murder, like you do.
Again, not a fan of the gown they had Cookie in during this scene, nor that cheap plastic-looking necklace she was wearing. But let's talk about Becky and Porsha. Oh my god, Becky and Porsha were fantastic. I wanted to be Becky and I almost never want to be a Becky. Porsha stole the beginning scene however by complaining loudly to Hakeem there were no pork chops or fried chicken on the menu for his wedding. I love you Porsha.
Everything is going as planned, and Laura is beaming in a stunning gown, carefree and happy, while the whole family is for once united. Remember Shine Johnson from earlier, whom Cookie had to invite to the wedding to buy his silence on the murders? Well, he's back, and amidst the glitterati guests, Shine shows up drunk with hookers, because doesn't everyone? This is important so pay attention.
Just before the ultimate event of Laura walking down the aisle to marry her beloved 'Keem, we see a server run up to Anika and slam a grand jury court subpoena into her hand, "Anika Calhoun, you've been served."
Anika, all freaked out now, throws the summons and in the process upsets a tray of Champagne while Cookie yells to Shine to stop the server now running out of the hall. Shine starts beating people with Champagne bottles (naturally) and all hell breaks loose.
When the doors open to allow Laura to begin her processional, she's greeted with a scene of utter chaos; bottles flying, people screaming, Anika crying, men rolling around fighting, and a general sense of everything being smashed to pieces. Laura starts crying as her wedding day is utterly ruined, and I don't blame her. Her father also declares that his daughter will not marry into a family of "thugs," and they both turn around and leave Hakeem jilted at the altar.
But wait, there's more.
Faced with the fact that Anika will now have to testify against Lucious in court, we come full circle of life, "Lion King" style, and … Anika and Lucious get married. Yep. After all of that in Seasons 1 and 2, we return to the marriage of Lucious and Anika. As his wife, she is now barred from testifying against him in court. Savvy legal and business move, but not so awesome for Cookie, who has a complete emotional breakdown and runs out of the wedding space. I honestly feel bad for her.
It's also during this scene, and nearing the last five minutes of the episode, Lucious tells Anika — his now wife — that he knows she pushed Rhonda down the stairs, ending her pregnancy. Visibly shaken, Anika steps outside for some fresh air.
If you thought all of the above was enough action for one episode, nope, as usual you're wrong about "Empire." Anika is outside on a balcony, just minding her own business and trying to wrap her head around the day's events when we're greeted with a wonderful reuniting scene of Rhonda and Anika. A scene where Rhonda tries to throw Anika off the balcony.
Girl fight!
Rhonda literally comes out of nowhere yet again (yay!), and starts slapping, strangling and making every effort she can to dislodge Anika — now her mother in-law and also cousin — over the balcony. As the struggle ensues, we see several times where one or the other is succeeding in nearly tossing each other over the edge.
The episode and season ends, however, with the arrival of Andre, looking for Anika and not knowing his wife Rhonda has returned. We watch his face as he shouts "No!" while in the background we hear one of the ladies plummeting over the edge of the balcony, becoming what I'm sure was a New York street pancake.
Do we know who died? No, silly, because this is "Empire." I pray it wasn't Rhonda, but there was literally no way of knowing. Empire does it again, and I for one cannot wait until the return of Season 3.
Best dressed: Thirsty. That purple print tux was fantastic
Worst dressed: Cookie's makeup. Ew.