The opening number is totally not ballroom. It's closer to jazz and hip-hop or I don't know what. Shirtless Keo Motsepe though, so I don't care.
Head judge Len Goodman offers two dances as the possible encore - Janel Parrish & Val Chmerkovskiy or Lea Thompson & Artem Chigventsev - and the audience will decide via Twitter who gets to dance.
The first couples up for results are Randy Couture & Karina Smirnoff, Betsey Johnson & Tony Dovolani and Lea & Artem. From last night's extra footage, we see that Lea was wiping away tears at the end of Betsey's performance. Oh, and we get to see Carrie Ann Inaba actually fall out of her chair instead of it happening off camera.
Results: Lea & Artem are safe. Randy & Karina are safe. Betsey & Tony are safe. Both Tony and Betsey are ecstatic and immediately start jumping up and down. And then all three couples jump up and down in a group hug/scrum.
Karina, Peta Murgatroyd & Val dance while Nico & Vanz perform their hit "Am I Wrong?" I've heard this song so much this summer, but I had never actually seen these guys. They're cute! As Val dances, my only thought is, "Buttons are purely decorative on this show." Peta's got in some crazy long extensions or she's wearing a wig.
And now we're using the alphabet as a gimmick to discuss this season:
Genuine Human Interaction
Smokin' - This features Tommy Chong. And fire extinguishers, lest you think they were talking about some other kind of smoking.
Zany - This, of course, is Betsey's segment.
Erin Andrews is backstage with Tommy Chong, Michael Waltrip and Jonathan Bennett. Tommy rips open his shirt again and asks Erin if she wants to touch his boob. Can you even imagine if that had been Brooke Burke Charvet instead of Erin?
Those three are next up to hear their results. We find out from outtakes that Tommy was more enthusiastic in his shirt opening than planned. As the couples are heading up the stairs to the crow's nest, Alfonso Ribiero tells Jonathan his shoe is untied. So before their dance, Jonathan's partner Allison Holker asks him if it's double knotted. Emma Slater is so sweetly encouraging to partner Michael after their dance. She's a gem.
Results: Tommy & Peta are safe. Michael & Emma are in jeopardy. Jonathan & Allison are safe. He's so pumped by the result. He's absolutely one of the most enthusiastic contestants they've ever had on the show.
The encore dance is Val & Janel with their foxtrot to "Call Me Maybe." Let's just assume there are more Janel fans on Twitter than Lea Thompson fans. And that this isn't a terrible sign for Lea's future success on the show.
The three youngest competitors get their results next: Bethany Mota & Derek Hough, Janel & Val, and Sadie Robertson & Mark Ballas. Derek admits after the routine how nervous he was about Bethany getting up on the bass. I think someone on the show may share my opinion of Mark because we get a closeup of him picking his teeth. Sadie's sulking a bit after her dance. Mark says, "Len doesn't know nothing about country music. Len doesn't know nothing about jazz." Mark doesn't know anything about grammar, it seems.
Results: Janel & Val are safe. Bethany & Derek are safe. Sadie & Mark are in jeopardy. I'm guessing they weren't really bottom vote-getters, but are the ringer couple.
Sia is here to sing, but won't face the audience so that we can focus on Maddie Ziegler and Allison Holker. They're wearing weird pink-and-flesh-toned leotards and horrible blonde platinum bob wigs and they're scaring me. I think Allison is the taller one and her decolletage area is frighteningly bony. I guess that's what happens when you're a dancer with near-zero body fat. The whole thing is weird and off-putting. Like, I want to give both these girls a hot cocoa and a hug. Note: Not the dancers, but the characters they're portraying in the dance. Sia won't even turn around at the end of the song, so it's now starting to feel more like a pretentious affectation than a courtesy to the dancers.
Len admits that it's his age that's keeping him from wanting to fly back and forth every week between here and England. Fellow judges Carrie Ann and Bruno Tonioli are hugging him and kissing him, telling him how much they'll miss him. The fun news, though, is Kevin Hart will be filling in as guest judge.
Now, to preview next week's movie night, we get parodies of "Ghost" with Betsey & Tony, "Rocky" now called "Stocky" with Alfonso, and Lea and Artem in a "Back to the Future" nod.
The audience gets a chance to see another audition tape via Twitter vote. Host Tom Bergeron says he doesn't want to influence the vote, but his vote starts with T and ends with "-ony."
Tom didn't sway the vote enough so we see Mark's tape, in which he's wearing hoop earrings and talking about how much he likes to break the rules.
Julianne Hough is performing with all the male pros because it's good to be a judge. She starts out wearing a flesh-colored bodysuit with flame designs on it with a long overskirt in the same nude color with red accents. Then the skirt gets ripped off so she looks naked, save a very small amount of sequins. Tom says Bruno lobbied really hard to be the judge dancing in that routine. Heh. I like how we can openly tease Bruno about his pervy-ness.
In footage from last night, Alfonso is detailing his errors to Lea up in the crow's nest and she gives him the "Whatever" face because she knows he knows he's good. Antonio Sabato gets to see his son backstage after the dance. His son calls him Papa and what's left of my aged ovaries quiver like a popcorn kernel in hot oil.
Results: Alfonso Ribierio & Witney Carson are safe. Tavis Smiley & Sharna Burgess are in jeopardy. Antonio Sabato & Cheryl Burke are safe.
So, our couples in jeopardy are Michael Waltrip & Emma Slater, Sadie Robertson & Mark Ballas, and Tavis Smiley & Sharna Burgess. Please let it be Michael going home, even though I fear it will be Tavis.
Tom tells us right off that bat that Sadie & Mark were safe, convincing me they were the ringer couple. Now, Erin gives the disclaimer that the two remaining couples are not necessarily the bottom two.
Aw, rats — it's Tavis going home. Not that he was going to win, but I don't want to suffer through another Michael Waltrip dance.