It's "Spring Break" week. I'm not even sure what that means except for gross things like wet T-shirt contests, beer funnels and parents having to deal with kids out of school/daycare for five days straight. The opening credits are all swimming pools, sand, surf and ice cream cones. Except for Miss Patti LaBelle, who's sitting like a lady with her fan open and fluttering. She's my role model, y'all.
Two rounds tonight: Individual dances and then the first team dance of the season.
Patti LaBelle & Artem Chigvintsev
Quickstep
Artem didn't have spring break because he grew up in Russia, and Patti didn't have a spring break because she's from back before that sort of thing went on.
Patti starts out on a chaise longue and is helped up by a couple of pool boys. Again, my role model. They have four backup dancers with them, and I really don't like the backup dancers. It's one thing for one pro to tone themselves down to make the star look good; it's another thing to have five of them running with a restrictor plate.
Len Goodman is already starting out grumpy. And then he says it's the "best dance of the night so far." Snotty given that it's the first dance. You stinker, Len. Wait a minute ... per Julianne Hough, Patti lost a shoe somewhere near the beginning of the dance. Now I gotta rewind. Yep, there it went about a third of the way through. WOW! She weathered that a lot better than Suzanne Somers did stepping on her dress last week.
OK, back to the judges' comments. Carrie Ann Inaba says Patti is the most consistent performer, always effervescent and entertaining.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 8, Len: 7, Julianne: 7, Bruno: 7
Back to Tom and he's taken his shoes off to be more like Patti. See, I'm not the only one who thinks she's a role model.
Nastia Liukin & Derek Hough
Tango
Derek's really pushing Nastia hard this week and the travel, schoolwork and rehearsals are starting to catch up with her - she's worn out. And even though she talks through the entire rehearsal package, I still don't have any sense of her personality.
Their dance is darn near perfect again, and it's again just not that thrilling to watch. It's like Derek was given a perfect dancing robot and we get to watch him play with his new toy.
Julianne says it was fun to watch but there was a bit of a disconnect between them as partners. Bruno Tonioli says that's how you attack a tango. Carrie Ann says Nastia's so good at her movement quality but echoes some of Julianne's partnering criticism. Len says it was all fast and too much rotation and he wants more slow attack to the tango.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 9, Len: 8, Julianne: 8, Bruno: 9
Willow Shields & Mark Ballas
Salsa
Willow went to get X-rays for an injury from a few weeks back and the doctor comes in and apparently she's got extra ribs! Cool.
Somehow Willow's legs don't seem as sure as I'd like to see them. Also, I know it's the salsa but I wouldn't mind if Mark tamed down the pelvic thrusts when he's dancing next to the 14 year old.
Bruno loves her going for it 100% performance-wise. He compliments her on the lifts but warns her about being shaky when she shifts her weight from one leg to the other. Carrie Ann likes how she went sassy but not sexy. Len likes the energy but wants more "snap" through her legs. Julianne also has comments about her legs.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 9, Len: 8, Julianne: 8, Bruno: 9
Robert Herjavec & Kym Johnson
Jive
Hear me out - Kym's bringing her Taylor Swift this week with the halter top and full skirt outfit and high ponytail with bangs. And you know, Robert's not a great dancer but I do love that he's obviously throwing himself wholly into the dance and seems to be genuinely having a lot of fun doing so.
Carrie Ann says Robert didn't miss a step but didn't get them all in at the right time. Len says there was a lot of content and it was better than last week. Julianne praises Kym for not dumbing down the choreography for Robert.
As Erin's trying to interview Robert & Kym, the crabs are back. I LOVE that the show is using any excuse to bring back the crab costumes.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 7, Len: 7, Julianne: 7, Bruno: 7
Noah Galloway & Sharna Burgess
Rumba
Sharna says with the rumba being such a slow dance, it shows more of how Noah moves from leg to leg. And they have a little fight during rehearsal about how they communicate. But they talk about it like rational adults and move past it. Well done, you two.
Sharna is literally wearing a bikini with a sheer thing that could almost be called a dress over it. Oh, the rumba. That felt like it didn't really address the content issue from last week, but then again I'm terrible at judging the rumba.
Noah's upset that the rehearsal package made Sharna look bad. And his attitude freezes out the ballroom hardcore. I thought it showed that adults in stressful situations sometimes lose their temper and sometimes have trouble communicating. And then it showed how talking things out clearly and directly solves the problem. Chill out, Noah.
Len says that he liked the conversation they were having in the dance, despite an incident that stopped them for a few bars. Julianne praises his hip actions but wants him to open up more with his arm movements. Bruno likes the fluidity of the dance, while lamenting the incident.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 7, Len: 7, Julianne: 7, Bruno: 8
Rumer Willis & Val Chmerkovskiy
Jazz
Val is struggling with "bootylicious" choreography. There's a lot of booty popping, and Val admits he's a little nervous about Bruce Willis' reaction to the routine. They don't show Willis in the ballroom so I think he's not there - you're safe, Val.
Julianne feels like there was a lot of "walking around." Bruno totally disagrees with Julianne. Carrie Ann agrees with Julianne. She thinks it was powerful and strong but disjointed. Len says he's "a cup of tea in a world of cappuccinos." It was too raunchy for him, too raunchy for the ballroom. Me and Len - we think alike.
During their interview with Erin, both Val and Rumer seem to say, "Hey we like traditional ballroom better, too, but you gave us 'Bootylicious' and 'jazz' on 'Spring Break' week. What else were we supposed to do?"
Scores: Carrie Ann: 8, Len: 8; Julianne: 7, Bruno: 9
Bruno says, "I liiiike it hot and raunchy." We know, Bruno, we know.
Back from commercial, Tom and Erin are up in the skybox with the crabs. Tom asks one of the crabs, who turns out to be Sasha, how many times he's been in the crab costume this season. When the answer is five, Tom tells him to get a better agent.
Chris Soules & Witney Carson
Viennese Waltz
Witney is trying to get Chris to clap the beat for the Viennese waltz, and he's not getting it. So then they recreate the "Ren teaches Willard how to feel the music" montage from "Footloose."
His hands have gotten a little better, well, only a tiny bit better, but he's getting the arm extensions right, at least. And it does feel like he's at least trying to keep up with Witney rather than just let her dance around him.
Bruno is very excited about Chris' improvement. Carrie Ann says the audience was in love with him, wooed by the dance. Len likes the feel of it and the romance, but says Chris' footwork was not great. Julianne asks Chris to come over and shake her hand, then she changes it to a high five. Bruno is instantly jealous and is then delighted to get a hug. I do love Bruno sometimes.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 8, Len: 7, Julianne: 8, Bruno: 8
Riker Lynch & Allison Holker
Samba
The song they originally got for this week is a Missy Elliott song ("Work It") that Allison thinks is too "sexually explicit" for Riker. She's freaked out because they're also losing two days of rehearsal to him having commitments performing with his band.
This is a high energy dance with a lot of samba content although Riker looks a touch awkward in some parts. Also, he may be the only person on the show with longer legs than Allison's.
Carrie Ann loves Riker. Len loves Riker's enthusiasm and the dance was good but not great. Julianne thinks it was fantastic but the one thing he needs to work on is some leg control. Bruno says it had the visual impact of the best samba but still had striking individual touches that were surprising and unique. You can tell Allison is super stoked about that praise.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 10, Len: 8, Julianne: 9, Bruno: 10
That score puts them on top of the leaderboard after Round One.
Some quick results before team dances: Nastia & Derek are safe, as are Willow & Mark. Noah & Sharna and Robert & Kym are all in jeopardy. Rumer & Val are safe. Chris & Witney are also safe, which shocks both of them (and me too, to be honest). Patti & Artem and Riker & Allison are in jeopardy.
Team leaders are Nastia and Rumer. Nastia, having the higher cumulative point total at this point in the season, gets to pick first. She chooses Willow. Rumer chooses Riker. Nastia goes for Robert next. Rumer picks Patti. When Noah says this is like sports, Rumer says, "We're leaving the hotties for last." Nice save, Miss Willis. Nastia points at Noah and says, "I'm going to pick you" in a way that makes me wonder if she doesn't remember his name. Frankly, Rumer's team looks like the more fun team.
Nastia tells her assembled team (Team Yolo), "I feel like I don't know you guys that well." See! I bet she really didn't know Noah's name. They talk about having the song "Wipeout," and Nastia thinks they should go unpredictable and Derek says they should go very predictable. Mark suggests a shark attack and Noah jumps in, "I could play that!" HA! That's my favorite thing Noah's said/done all season.
Turns out each couple gets a little solo during the team dance. Nastia has to leave to go back to school, and Mark teases her about being the worst captain. Derek isn't even in the rehearsal because of shows back in New York.
The guys are in a band and the girls are all in retro bathing suits. It's very jive-y and bouncy and fun. But for a team dance it didn't seem like the team parts were all that exciting.
Len says it was tight, together and terrific. Julianne singles out a little move Robert & Kym did. Bruno says the structure was perfect. Carrie Ann says they killed it.
Scores: Carrie Ann: 10, Len: 9, Julianne: 10, Bruno: 10
Rumer's team is "Team Trouble." Because they're dancing to the song "Trouble." The concept is they're a bunch of "rascals" in detention on the last day of school before Spring Break. Patti's the strict teacher type. Riker & Allison are the nerds. Val & Rumer are the greasers. Val and Artem are giving Chris some extra help with this routine. It looks like Chris & Witney are the jock and the cheerleader. Makes sense to me.
Chris is no dummy and during their solo, he rips open his letterman's jacket to reveal his bare torso. Apparently, Allison's interpretation of "nerd" costume-wise is Alicia Silverstone in "Clueless." I was a high school nerd, my friends were nerds, and we most assuredly did not wear thigh high stockings and mini-skirts to class - if for no other reason than the nerd boys in our honors classes might have fainted dead away.
Julianne says it was modern, fresh, tight. She loved it. Bruno says it was cleverly put together. Then he adds that tonight was Chris' breakthrough night. Len says it was so much fun.
Tom asks Patti if she was intimidated after seeing the first team get a score of 39. Patti is cool as a cucumber when she says, "Not at all, why should I be? I'm not a professional dancer."
Scores: Carrie Ann: 10, Len: 9, Julianne: 10, Bruno: 10
So, basically, in terms of scoring, the team round affected nothing. But it was still fun to watch.
Results
Patti & Artem, Robert & Kym, Riker & Allison and Noah & Sharna are all in jeopardy. Noah & Sharna are announced safe, then Riker & Allison. So it's down to either Patti or Robert. It's gotta be Robert, right? We love our Miss Patti, yeah?
Aw, man. It's Patti & Artem. It's not like she was going to win this thing but I would rather have had another week with Patti than with Robert. He's nice and all, but she's fanfreakingtastic personality-wise.
Scoreboard*
Riker & Allison: 37
Nastia & Derek: 34
Willow & Mark: 34
Rumer & Val: 32
Chris & Witney: 31
Noah & Sharna: 29
Robert & Kym: 28
*I'm not adding in the team scores because both teams got the same score and I make it one of life's rules to avoid unnecessary arithmetic.
Predictions
Clearly, Robert has a bigger fan base than I thought, so I have no idea what's going to happen in next week's double elimination. I can't imagine losing any of the top four couples, but I'm not sure which of the bottom three survives, especially given that they're only separated by three points.