xml:space="preserve">
Sadie Robertson, Derek Hough
Sadie Robertson, Derek Hough (Adam Taylor / ABC)

Nobody was happy with their scores last week, including poor Witney Carson, who was stuck with Michael Waltrip's straight 5s.

Alan "Voice of the Balls" Dedicoat introduces us to tonight's guest performer and judge Pitbull. It is agreed upon in my living room that Pitbull's sex appeal might be about 63% due to his sunglasses.

Advertisement

Leah Remini is our guest co-host tonight, due to Erin Andrews' commitments with Fox and the World Series.

The first couple to be announced safe are Tommy & Peta. Peta is shocked and screaming, "What?" Val & Janel are in jeopardy, as are Jonathan & Alison.

Jonathan Bennett & Allison Holker, Jazz

They're both wearing black suits, because they're dancing to Pitbull's song from "Men in Black III." I have to say, I'm impressed that Allison is wearing a real suit and not some "sexy" version of a suit. She's also wearing what I think might genuinely be jazz shoes.

Julianne Hough says it's the first time she's really seen Jonathan DANCE and it was great. Bruno Tonioli says he nailed it. Carrie Ann Inaba says the best part about Jonathan is his resilience and tonight it paid off. Guest judge Armando Christian Perez (aka "Pitbull") doesn't have much to say but is generally positive.

It is unilaterally decided in my living room that Pitbull just got 47 percent sexier because his actual name is "Armando."

Leah is trying to mock Jonathan's big eyes and it's pretty funny.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 8,  Pitbull: 8, Julianne: 8, Bruno: 8

I can't decide if it's better to hear Alan Dedicoat say "Pitbull" or if I want to hear him say "Armando."

Sharna Burgess and Tony Dovolani are dancing samba to a Gloria Estefan song chosen by Armando. Tony is wearing the utterly ridiculous slashed neck lacy shirt that he was wearing in his completely embarrassing audition tape we saw last week. Tom Bergeron says Tony is showing us how to make a shirt out of women's pantyhose.

Janel Parrish & Val Chmerkovskiy, Samba

Most of the rehearsal footage seems to be about whether or not Janel and Vanel are hooking up or in love or whatever. Blah blah blah. Things I care more about: which store in town has the best deal on kitty litter. If I'm inheriting my dad's unruly eyebrows. What new stamps the Postal Service will have for holiday cards this year.

Bruno liked the heat in the dance. Carrie Ann thought it was a good performance but that every now and then Janel's balance seemed a bit off. Armando says he doesn't know a lot about ballroom dancing but he does know about passion and he didn't see the passion in their performance. Julianne says the choreography of the routine was difficult enough to be a competition routine. She commends Val for keeping his choreography traditional. Is she channeling Len for us tonight?

Scores: Carrie Ann: 8; Pitbull: 7, Julianne: 9, Bruno: 9

Advertisement

Armando's got his standards, y'all.

Tommy Chong & Peta Murgatroyd, Foxtrot

Tommy tells Peta that he thinks they need to recharge their batteries. So he takes Peta to a sweat lodge in the desert. Peta looks really uncomfortable, but it may be because she's wearing flannel. Thanks to the sweat lodge, Tommy gets a "vision" from Cloris Leachman. She reminds Tommy they met once saying, "it was the most fun I ever had in a van." When Peta comes to join Tommy and asks him who he's talking to, Cloris tells him no one under 40 can hear her. Ha!

I think the wheels are starting to come off the Tommy bus. But I still love his looseness and his go-for-it attitude. Peta, though, should pretty much choreograph everything in hold forever.

Carrie Ann says he's back in great form, debonair, but with a fair number of mistakes. Armando says it wasn't perfect, but it was fun. Julianne says she thinks he could be in this competition a long time. Bruno enumerates some of Tommy's mistakes.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 7, Pitbull: 7, Julianne: 7, Bruno: 7

More results: Antonio & Cheryl, Lea & Artem, and Sadie & Mark are on stage. They're all safe!

Antonio Sabato, Jr. & Cheryl Burke, Salsa

During rehearsals, Cheryl gets the news that her dad has had a seizure and she might have to go to Thailand to see him. They continue to rehearse while she waits for further news. Her dad ends up sending her a text saying he was fine and that she should perform tonight.

Antonio still hasn't loosened up. Because it's the salsa, lifts are allowed, so Cheryl has put in a few tricks to spiff up what would otherwise be a lackluster routine. To be clear, it's not Cheryl's choreography that's dull -- it's Antonio. As my couchmate says, "He has the personality of a wet paper towel."

Armando says it looked fun but seems to know there were some technical issues with it. Julianne says Antonio got a little too loose in the upper body and too "shoulder-y." Bruno says they did a great job with the mood. Bruno stands up to try to demonstrate how Antonio needs to transfer his weight on his feet in order to improve his hip action. Carrie Ann praises Antonio for his consistent improvement.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 7, Pitbull: 7, Julianne: 7, Bruno: 7

Sadie Robertson & Mark Ballas, Rumba

Sadie says she's feeling really awkward about this dance because of its sexy nature. She's giggling a lot at anything remotely sexual. Sadie's grandmother (who looks SO YOUNG. My grandmother never looked like that after she got grandmother status) comes to rehearsal to make sure there's not too much sexy sexiness. Mark's trying to make sure that it still has enough rumba content to please the judges. Pro-tip, Mark: As long as you leave room for Jesus between the two of you, you're fine.

All credit to Mark, that was a PG samba that was still sexy and sensual, but in a way appropriate to a 17-year-old.

Julianne points out that passionate doesn't have to equal raunchy; it can equal romantic. She does point out that Sadie had a little bit of an issue with her balance. Bruno loved its romance, but says there were times when it was a bit jagged instead of being as fluid as a rumba should be.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 9; Pitbull: 10, Julianne: 8, Bruno: 8

Lea Thompson & Artem Chingvintsev, Salsa

It looks like a rough week in rehearsal for Lea. She says Artem is making their salsa "more intricate than it needs to be" because he wants to keep them competitive with Alfonso.

I like how Artem is allergic to shirts. There's a moment where Lea does a spin that's super awkward, like a twirling squat. Something seems off with Lea tonight even if her legs look great as usual.

Bruno dings her for her shoulders. Carrie Ann was a little disappointed because she thought she saw Lea's confidence issues come through. Armando disagrees, saying Lea looked like she conquered her confidence issues. Julianne says Lea needs to trust her partner and herself, and that she still thinks Lea is the girl to beat.

Up in the skybox, Lea teases that what Artem really wants is a "Lea(h)" sandwich, so she maneuvers Artem between herself and the co-host.

Advertisement

Scores: Carrie Ann: 8, Pitbull: 8, Julianne: 8, Bruno: 8

More results: Alfonso & Witney are safe. Bethany & Derek are safe. Michael & Emma are in jeopardy.

Michael Waltrip & Emma Slater, Argentine Tango

Michael took Emma with him this weekend to a race in Talladega and she saw firsthand the power of NASCAR nation.

Emma is flat up wearing only a leotard. There's not even a pretense to a skirt. Emma is basically dancing around Michael like he's a pole. For me the bright spot is the acoustic version of "Give Me Everything" they're dancing to. It's really nice.

We hear Tom say to Michael that was the most confidence he's ever seen in Michael. Armando liked the feel of the dance. Julianne says she could see how much Michael wanted it tonight and it was touching. She also praises Emma's choreography. Bruno says he saw dedication and focus.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 8; Pitbull: 7,Julianne: 8, Bruno: 7

I agree more with the 7s than the 8s.

Bethany Mota & Derek Hough, Tango

Bethany and Derek go to Australia because Bethany is booked for a YouTube event in Sydney. Derek says this is the least amount of time he's ever had to prepare a partner for a routine.

My couchmate, who only started watching the show this season, is picking up quickly and dings Bethany's posture. Whoops! Bethany loses her footing. And for the rest of the dance she looks like she's terrified of catching her heel on her skirt.

Armando likes that she covered the slipup. Julianne liked that it was pure, honest tango. Bruno says it was straight down the line pure ballroom. Carrie Ann says she was heading for a 10 before the slip up.  I loathe Derek's facial hair. Razor! Find one!

Leah teases Derek about not knowing what it feels like to get a 5 or a 7 and then literally starts beating him about the head and shoulders with the microphone.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 9, Pitbull: 9, Julianne: 9, Bruno: 9

Alfonso Ribiero & Witney Carson, Salsa

Witney cries after the 5s last week and Alfonso very sweetly follows her and comforts her. Alfonso has to admit that he hurt his groin, he thinks doing the Carlton. He rolls his eyes as he says this. At least he has a sense of humor about it.

Witney is also wearing a leotard. Hmph. This is a scorcher of a routine! Alfonso has MOVES. So loose and yet so precise. He's limping over to Tom though at the end of the routine. Alfonso seems mortified to have to say the word "groin" on live tv.

Julianne would've liked to have seen more salsa and less hip hop. Bruno screams a lot and says a lot of adjectives. So he liked it. Carrie Ann smacks Alfonso on the behind 10 times. I have no idea what that is all about. It's not his birthday. Tom asks, "Doesn't that make your groin feel better?" Armando stands up and starts doing some moves to commend Alfonso. This makes him 483% hotter and he's now officially hot sexy hot hot hot.

Alfonso looks like he's really struggling over to and up the stairs. I'm worried for him -- the only thing for a groin injury, really, is rest.

It's too bad Erin isn't here this week. She would be much more comfortable than Leah discussing groin injuries.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 10, Pitbull: 10, Julianne: 9, Bruno: 10

Alfonso says, "I feel really bad but that feels really good."

Michael & Emma are safe. Booooo. Janel & Val are safe and Jonathan & Allison are the goners.

Scoreboard:

Alfonso & Witney: 39

Bethany & Derek: 36

Sadie & Mark: 35

Janel & Val: 33

Lea & Artem: 32

Michael & Emma: 30

Antonio & Cheryl: 28

Tommy & Peta: 28

My guess is we lose Antonio next week. Michael's not dead last and has a huge fan base. Tommy is only tied for last with Antonio and I'm guessing has a lesser appeal to voters. And I may not be alone in thinking if Cheryl's dad is ill, she's got better things to do than continue to dance with someone who has no realistic shot at the finals.

Advertisement
Advertisement
Advertisement