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Tonight is "My Jam" Monday, where the stars will be dancing to their favorite songs. This week's credits are different than last week's with the stars all wearing headphones and mugging while "Uptown Funk" plays. Robert Herjavec of "Shark Tank" looks WEIRD in headphones - never has a man been more clearly an earbud guy.

Chris Soules & Witney Carson, Cha-cha

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"Time of Our Lives" - Pitbull, Ne-Yo

Chris is having a hard time with the more technical cha-cha. He says he just doesn't get the counting.

Witney is wearing a leotard that I think is supposed to look like a blue jacket over a gold leotard, but it essentially makes it look like she's exhibiting her lady garden. I'm so distracted by it I almost fail to notice the multiple missteps made by Chris.

Len Goodman thought that for four days practice and no prior dance experience, Chris did ok. Julianne Hough says she would have liked to have seen more basic choreography. Bruno Tonioli compliments him for being more "erect" this week. He's trying to compliment Chris' posture, but this crowd can't not react like a 13-year-old boy.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 5, Len: 6, Julianne: 5, Bruno: 5

Harsh, but fair. That routine had A LOT of problems and mistakes. I'm surprised the producers chose it to lead the show; they usually seem to have a good sense of what's going to be the showstopper (and thus get the final spot). And from what Erin Andrews just said in the postdance interview with Chris and Witney, dress rehearsal might have gone even worse than what we just saw. Although I guess by the time you get to dress rehearsal, the order is locked in.

Suzanne Somers & Tony Dovolani, Jive

"Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On" - Jerry Lee Lewis

Ok, while they're showing footage of last week, I finally figured out what bothered me about last week's outfit on Tony. In the actual 1980s, he wouldn't have been wearing tights and there would have been no shirt under the mesh top. We should have seen a lot more of Tony's bare body than we did last week. I'm sure Bruno would agree with me on this.

Suzanne is perfectly willing to take the judges' advice to incorporate more "raunch" into her routine. Lord help us.

Suzanne's legs are a mess, and Tony is doing about twice the amount of dancing she is. Did he learn that trick from Peta and Emma?

Julianne says Suzanne improved from last week. Bruno was happy about all the shaking and says it was "tease-y without being sleazy." Carrie Ann Inaba liked the spring in Suzanne's step and compliments her on not missing a single move. That's a low bar, Carrie Ann.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 7, Len: 7, Julianne: 7, Bruno: 7

That feels like a grade on a curve.

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Robert Herjavec & Kym Johnson, Foxtrot

"You Make Me Feel So Young" - Michael Buble

In an interview during rehearsal footage, Robert and Kym neither confirm nor deny the rumors about them being an item when asked.

The routine is super cheesy and kind of old-fashioned, but that kind of choreography seems to suit Robert. He still needs to work on the pancake hands.

Bruno compliments the routine but wants Robert to watch his shoulder and arm movements. Carrie Ann says they look like a fairy tale and was really impressed by the choreography. She does want Robert to watch out for shuffling his feet. Len says Robert has style and panache and is clearly enjoying himself. Julianne compliments the "rise and fall" of the foxtrot and then echoes some of Bruno's concerns about Robert's frame.

Erin cues up a clip from Michael Buble wishing Robert good luck. I'm not sure why these two would be tight except they're both Canadian. And I assume all Canadians know one another and wish one another well. Don't tell me I'm wrong.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 7, Len: 7, Julianne: 7, Bruno: 7

Hmm - I think that was better than Suzanne, so I'm saying they overscored Suzanne, not that they underscored Robert.

Charlotte McKinney & Keo Motsepe, Cha-cha

"California Gurls" - Katy Perry

Charlotte comes out in a tight tank dress and with sunglasses tucked into her cleavage. Don't get in the habit of tucking things in there, Charlotte. Take it from me, babe, you'll lose things.

Charlotte went online after last week's show and found out people were saying mean things on social media. Welcome to the Internet, Miss McKinney! I don't mean to minimize the impact of bullying and hostility one often encounters online, but it's far from a new thing or unique to Charlotte. She then goes on to say, "People think that just because I'm blonde and pretty, I don't have feelings. I do." I have no comment on that.

Meanwhile, when it comes to actual dancing, she's still pretty terrible. Her first move with Keo is a mistake and he has to forcibly turn her 180 degrees to get them started off right. Then at the end, he has to pull her around so they can end up in the final pose correctly. And things weren't any better in between. Poor, poor Keo. I bet he wishes he could've danced with one of the crabs in the background. (The Super Bowl and Katy Perry had Right and Left Shark; DWTS has crabs. Oh, ABC, you make the jokes too easy sometimes.)

Charlotte clearly knows she biffed it based on her face. But Carrie Ann says her legs were really defined and tells her "well done." Len calls it fun and cheeky and better than last week. Julianne wants to see her stay in the competition because she sees potential. Meanwhile, in the split screen footage, we see mistake after mistake. Bruno tells her not to give a damn about what everybody says.

Erin tells Charlotte not to sweat social media and come talk to her whenever she wants to. Then she adds that people are always "coming after [her] nose." Huh? I never thought one way or the other about Erin's nose. My biggest beef with her is that she's a Florida alum and I come from a rival SEC school.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 7, Len: 6, Julianne: 7, Bruno: 6

Seriously?!? That wasn't any better than Chris's heap of errors. The fix is in.

Michael Sam & Peta Murgatroyd, Foxtrot

"Working My Way Back to You" - The Spinners

As the NFL combine grows ever closer, Michael's feeling really stretched for time to rehearse his dancing.

Good gracious, he's a handsome fella, especially when he smiles. The routine is...whelming. Like, I'm neither over- nor underwhelmed by it. It was good but not memorable.

Len says Michael's footwork was better, his frame was ok, and then gives him some new form of finger guns. Julianne notes that he's pointing his toes.

Bruno says it was a wonderful blend of Motown and classic foxtrot. He then says he's very light on his feet for such a "big bruiser." He also says the bum is still sticking out. At which point, Michael turns around to show it off. Bruno says, "I know it's great!" One gay man showing off his bum to another gay man on live television during prime time and we're all managing not to panic. Go us, America!

Scores: Carrie Ann: 7, Len: 7, Julianne: 7, Bruno: 7

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Rumer Willis & Val Chmerkovskiy, Cha-cha

"Rumour Has It" - Adele

They show a moment before last week's performance when Rumer points to the audience and says, "That's my family." Yeah, I think Val might have at least recognized your dad, especially given that he later admits to being terrified of Bruce.

There's a ton of dry ice at the top of the stage, where they start their performance and it's actually a shame because I want to see Rumer's great legs and footwork. It feels like it's over before it starts. Was it just so fast?

Julianne calls her a powerhouse and then makes chipmunk noises to describe Rumer's super sharp and super quick legs. Bruno says she has a "pin sharp sense of purpose." Tom points out to Val that he seems a lot more relaxed without Bruce Willis in the audience. Wouldn't you, Tom?

Carrie Ann says when Rumer steps, she steps hard and that's great. Len would've liked more cha-cha choreography from Val but is all kudos to Rumer herself.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 8, Len: 8, Julianne: 8, Bruno: 8

Stefan "Redfoo" Gordy & Emma Slater, Jive

"My Sharona" - The Knack

Emma assures us that Redfoo is really competitive and taking everything she throws at him.

Emma is in a hot pants version of overalls. Y U HATE SKIRTS, SHOW? But, dude, the jive is definitely Redfoo's dance. He's got the energy and he's great at the kicks and flicks.

Bruno is out of his seat and loving it. Carrie Ann gives Redfoo a high five and tells him he killed it. Len says he's been "trained but not tamed." Julianne pushes back against Len's comments about it maybe needing more technique.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 8, Len: 7, Julianne: 8, Bruno: 6

Willow Shields & Mark Ballas, Argentine Tango

"Somebody That I Used to Know" - Gotye

How can anybody be "somebody that you used to know" when you're only 14??? Did you leave third grade with a lot of regrets? After fifth grade, did you get a T-shirt that said, "Non, je ne regrette rien"?

Anyway. They've decided to pay tribute to Gotye's video for the song by performing as if they're part of a painting. That explains the "I've just done a color run" look we saw from them before the clip package. They actually went out into the parking lot and pelted each other with balloons filled with paint. (Ok, they might have actually had the costume department clean things up a bit.)

With her hair pulled back and her super long legs, Willow is looking way older than her 14 years. She's a touch awkward in some sports, but it's a really solid performance overall. And I have to give credit to Mark for taking a dance that's usually highly sexualized and making it appropriate for someone Willow's age.

Carrie Ann says Willow's lines were incredible and her intensity and focus were there. Len says his suit's older than Willow, but she shows remarkable maturity. Julianne compliments Mark on the memorable performance. Bruno says her growth from last week is incredible, compliments her lines and shapes, and tells her she's a contender for the mirror ball trophy.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 8, Len: 8, Julianne: 8, Bruno: 8

Noah Galloway & Sharna Burgess, Samba

"Homegrown Honey" - Darius Rucker

Noah's girlfriend Jamie has the kind of country accent that makes "killed" a two syllable word. They're video chatting because Jamie's in basic training and Noah's chosen this song because it reminds him of her.

This week, Noah's jeans have both legs intact, probably because it would look weird to cut off one and show his prosthetic coming out of the top of cowboy boots. Sharna is wearing what is essentially a fringed bra and panty set and some cowboy boots. I think a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader is generally more covered up.

Len liked the rhythm in Noah's hips and is jealous of his torso, on display in his unbuttoned shirt. Julianne thinks part of the reason Noah is succeeding is his awareness of his body. I'm not sure if she's referring only to his amputations or if she's also taking his fitness/exercise work into consideration. I would think both of them are important to what she's describing.

Bruno uses the word "hot" about half a dozen times and also compliments the way Noah uses his core to stay stable on the floor. Bruno even thinks that Noah's slight off-kilter-ness sometimes with his prosthetic leg is hot. Tom asks Noah if that jump off the stage was hard, and Noah shrugs it off with a "Nah."

Scores: Carrie Ann: 7, Len: 6, Julianne: 7, Bruno: 7

Really, Len? Suzanne was better than that?

Erin asks Noah how hard it's been to be separated from Jamie and he tells us he's excited to pick her up in two days. Meanwhile, sneaking up behind him is Jamie and they have an ecstatic reunion. Awww. Even my cold black heart is touched. They're both so happy they're practically vibrating with it.

Nastia Liukin & Derek Hough, Rumba

"Thinking Out Loud" - Ed Sheeran

When Derek asks Nastia if she's ready to get up close in his face, she asks him if he's brushed his teeth that day. Snerk.

It's a rumba. Wear a nightgown, pose, pose, pose. All seems about in order. Since I have some space to fill here, I'll point out that every time the camera shows Charlotte in the skybox, she looks like she's about to throw up.

Julianne says Nastia is probably "the most naturally gifted as far as technique." Sure, if by "naturally gifted" you mean "umpteen years of Olympic-level gymnastics training." Harrumph. Julianne says though that it took about half the song for Nastia and Derek to find their connection to one another.

Bruno says Nastia's "flow was flawless." Carrie Ann is speechless, so much so that Tom tries to skip her and go on to Len. She suddenly finds her voice. Len calls the routine clean and crisp and compares it to a blossoming flower.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 9, Len: 8, Julianne: 8, Bruno: 9

Riker Lynch & Allison Holker, Foxtrot

"Sugar" - Maroon 5

Riker claims to not know what a foxtrot is. Although on the last show, he talked about going to Las Vegas to watch cousins Derek and Julianne Hough compete. Allison makes him brush his hair for the foxtrot and because I'm an old person, he looks a million miles better to me.

The more subdued hair also makes it possible to see that he's got a great frame and body for this dancing. Bruno says he maintained the style throughout. Carrie Ann gives him lots of encouragement about about the new hairstyle. Because she's old like me. Julianne likes the dynamism of Riker's dancing and also praises Allison's choreography.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 8, Len: 8, Julianne: 8, Bruno: 8

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Patti LaBelle & Artem Chigvintsev, Salsa

"In Da Club" - 50 Cent

I was dubious that this was actually Patti's jam, but it turns out that when she had her 70th birthday they were playing "old people" music and she complained and old them to put on "In Da Club." It turns out Patti's hurt her knee and is wearing a big brace on it. She assures us though, "That nothing's going to stop Patti but Patti."

This seems to involve a lot of Patti standing while young men dance around her, to which I say, Patti is no fool. I'm going to erase from my memory the image of her cupping her own breasts, though.

Carrie Ann is bowing down to "Queen Patti." The crowd is whooping so loud. When Carrie Ann gets the chance to talk, she too grabs her breasts. This is all too much for me. Julianne says "There's a baller in the ballroom." Bruno says, "So Cookie. So Empire."

Scores: Carrie Ann: 7, Len: 7, Julianne: 7, Bruno: 7

Results

Tom tells us that less than one tenth of one percent separated the bottom two couples in viewer voting. I wonder how many votes that is.

Tom calls out Redfoo & Emma, Chris & Witney, Charlotte & Keo and Suzanne & Tony as the couples in jeopardy. Oooh, interesting - Suzanne & Tony were tied for next to last last week with Patti & Artem and Willow & Mark and Chris & Witney were tied with Michael & Peta and Noah & Sharna. So, what this tells us is that Noah & Sharna and Michael & Peta have bigger fan bases than Chris & Witney. We also can tell that Mark & Willow and Patti & Artem had more fan votes than not just Suzanne & Tony, with whom they were tied, but big enough fan bases to overcome being a point behind Chris & Witney. IN-te-resting.

Charlotte & Keo are the first to be told they're safe. Aw, man. I don't think I can take another week. It's not just that she's not a good dancer but that she seems so uncomfortable and not at all happy to be there. It's a confidence issue, not a willingness issue, but still. Maybe getting this first vote here will give her the boost she needs. Here's hoping.

Chris & Witney are also safe. Tom issues the disclaimer that the two remaining couples are not necessarily the bottom two. If it's down to these two, I'd actually rather keep Redfoo, which surprises no one more than me.

Aw, man. Redfoo's out. He was at least enjoying himself.

Scoreboard

Nastia & Derek: 34

Rumer & Val: 32

Willow & Mark: 32

Riker & Allison: 32

Suzanne & Tony: 28

Robert & Kym: 28

Michael & Peta: 28

Patti & Artem: 28

Noah & Sharna: 27

Charlotte & Keo: 26

Chris & Witney: 22

Well, looking at it all laid out like that, it seems inevitable that Chris & Witney are goners next week. Although personally, as stated earlier, I think it could be in everyone's best interests if Charlotte got to go home. This show just doesn't seem like the right fit for her.

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