Hello, darlings. We're back in the ballroom, this time with a bunch of new dancers. That All-Star season had its moments, but was kind of a dud overall.

Lordie. Someone's given Barbara Barrie's hair to Kellie Pickler. (Relevant fact about Barrie: She's 81-years-old.) I get that Kellie shaved her head in solidarity with a friend being treated for cancer. But that doesn't answer why the hairstylist tonight hates her.


This new Lindsay pro (who I have a vague recollection of from "So You Think You Can Dance") looks all of 12 years old. Like, the Disney kid star looks older than this pro. Ai-yi-yi.  Speaking of Zendaya, she's all about the hand gestures. Stop it, kid, you're bothering me.

"The Bachelor" guy has stolen Hugh Hefner's smoking jacket, which somehow seems appropriate. (Full disclosure: I have never watched "The Bachelor." But, it's a guy who lived in a house and "dated" a lot of women and yet manages to remain unmarried. Not far off from the Playboy Mansion for many years.)

Wynonna Judd looks about like I'd like if you put me in that dress — like something that should be on the front of an old-timey ship. "Prow" is never a word you want to bring to people's minds with your outfit.

Jacoby Jones is in purple (not quite Ravens' purple, but more like the Mardi Gras purple of his native New Orleans, especially since it's paired with gold), as is Karina.

As the theme music ends and the announcer finishes his introduction, Tom looks ceilingward and says, "Thank you, disembodied voice." Y'all, I know it's early in the episode, but I'm ready for my first "I LOVE HIM SO MUCH" of the season.

Kellie Pickler and Derek Hough: Cha Cha Cha
Kellie talks about how much "American Idol" changed her life. Regarding their nearly identical hair lengths, Kellie tells Derek that she'll be his Tinkerbell and he can be her Peter Pan. That's cute. Derek thinks she's got the tools to go really far. He's impressed with her flexible back.

It's a basic-enough routine, but Kellie looks comfortable with it and has some great sharpness to her poses and finishing her moves.

Tom introduces Len Goodman as a newlywed. What? What? I don't want to think about Len's sex life. It's like thinking about your school prinicipal that way. Ew.

Len liked it, saying her legs were a little bit stiff but it was a great start. Bruno is happy about the "shapes of things to come." Bruno looks critically at her leg movements as well. Carrie Ann tells her she has "incredible torso movement."

Kellie describes Derek as "a big brother," thereby cutting off at the pass any showmance speculation about these two.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 7; Len: 7; Bruno: 7

Fair. It was a good showing for the first week. Derek says 21 is his lucky first-week score.

Victor Ortiz and Lindsay Arnold: Foxtrot
Victor's mom left when he was 7 and his dad left when he was 12. He and his siblings raised themselves and then Victor made his pro-boxing debut at 17.

He has a new pro Lindsay and their first dance is the Foxtrot. He tells Lindsay he assumes that means he'll be in a fox suit, trotting around. Nice try, Victor, but you're not dancing with Mark Ballas.


Victor's got a million-dollar smile, but he misses at least one move and they're probably going to carp on his hunched-up shoulders.

Tom mentions Victor's smile, predicting that it alone will get him some votes. Ohmigod, I'm thinking like Tom Bergeron. This may be my definition of nirvana.

Bruno tells him to work on his foot placement, his frame and to watch his arms ("It's not 'Gorillas in the Mist.'") Carrie Ann likes his posture. Len wants more wows and thinks Victor can knock him out with the jive next week.

Lindsay uses the word "amazing" three times in one sentence while answering a question from Brooke. I find that ... not so amazing, actually.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 6; Len: 6; Bruno: 6

Ingo Rademacher and Kym Johnson: Contemporary
He's played Jax on "General Hospital" for 18 years and is an accomplished athlete. Did Kym get to go to Hawaii for their "first meeting" segment? That's a win right there.

I can't say I'm happy about the addition of "Contemporary" to the "DWTS" stable of dance styles. I think it's mostly just an excuse for people to dance barefoot and not have to point their toes.

Because they're dancing to Coldplay's "Yellow," the yellow gels are on the lights and it manages to look like sunshine instead of making them look jaundiced. Well done, lighting guys.

Carrie Ann explains that Contemporary includes elements of modern lines, contact improv, ballet and lifts. She thought the routine was "raw" and "passionate." Aw, they show Ingo's son in the audience and he's the cutest thing. Len complains that Kym's feet were in the air more than they were on the floor. Len is with me in not loving Contemporary. Stick with me and Len, we'll lead you down the coot path. Bruno loved it.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 7; Len: 6; Bruno: 7

I'm thinking that score from Len was more about not liking Contemporary than him not liking the routine.

Lisa Vanderpump & Gleb Savchenko: Foxtrot
Apparently this Vanderpump person has a furry barnacle named Giggy? I wonder if there's a term for the sore arm you must get constantly carrying around your tiny dog — like tennis elbow, but "Air dog bicep" maybe?

Oh my gosh. I thought that was a plush toy dog she had in her arms descending the staircase. But given that a stagehand dressed as a bellhop came in and took it away from her, it must have been the actual living creature. I may have to start a "Free Giggy" campaign.

The Foxtrot was probably one of the best dances Lisa could've drawn for the first week. It's a dance that's kind to the Women of a Certain Age.

Len calls it "acceptable" but not exceptional. He says there was "too much staggering about."
Carrie Ann says the dance suited her, but she was out of sync a little bit. Lisa says something off-color that I can't make out. It makes Carrie Ann erupt in a fit of giggles.

After the break, the "bellhop" brings Giggy up to the crow's nest to be reunited with Lisa. I still can't believe that's a live dog. I'm worried maybe his leg muscles have completely atrophied over the years. #FreeGiggy.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 6; Len: 6; Bruno: 6

D.L. Hughley and Cheryl Burke: Cha Cha Cha
Apparently D.L. grew up in South Central Los Angeles and was in a gang before comedy saved him. I'm totally digging his preppy style in the interview segments.

Ooh, this is not good. I mean, it's Kenny Mayne levels of bad. If D.L. makes it far, Cheryl's got her work cut out for her with this one. He's not even making the "club" moves look good.

Bruno says he "terminated" the dance. He doesn't mean it in a good way. He comments that the timing was off throughout most of the routine. Carrie Ann can only say "Yikes" and "Whoa." Len calls it "rough" and tells D.L. he's going to have to "work his butt off."


D.L. says he hasn't danced in 30 years, so the judges' comments were like "bullying a second grader." He's joking, but I feel compelled anyway to point out that the judges were judging. Let's save the word "bullying" for actual bullying.

D.L. also jokes out that comes from a place where you want the judges to give you a low number. Ha!

Scores: Carrie Ann: 4; Len: 4; Bruno: 4

Terrible, but deserved. And has me wondering what you'd have to do to get a 1.

Zendaya and Val Chmerskovskiy: Contemporary
Zendaya's another brunette from the Disney child-star factory. She seems really poised and put together for a 16-year-old. That's a compliment, but, man, it's got to be hard to be a teenager and under all that scrutiny.

Val's trying to find a balance between the "passion" of contemporary and being age-appropriate for the sake of Zendaya.

There's fake rain and dry ice and Zendaya's not wearing shoes. Contemporary, folks!

She's really good. Long legs and light on her feet and so very graceful. Carrie Ann is all smiles, as is Len. Bruno calls it "superb."

Scores: Carrie Ann: 8; Len: 8; Bruno: 8

Not that she wasn't good, but I have to think there's a little "We want to let the audience get to know her better."

Sean Lowe and Peta Murgatroyd: Foxtrot
Sean won't say the word "virgin" so they helpfully show all the tabloid covers that did. I totally do not care what this grown man has or has not done with his private parts. That's between him, the deity of his choice and his GP.

During rehearsal, Sean says he must look ridiculous. Points for stating the obvious, guy. He says what he lacks in "raw talent" he'll make up in "dedication." As he's doing an absolutely ridiculous hip shimmy, he asks Peta if that move will work for his wedding dance. The look of amused horror on her face is priceless.

There's some sort of pinball lighting scheme on the floor and they're dancing to "The Power of Love" by Huey Lewis and the News. Two things I love and this show is going to try its hardest to ruin them for me. It's also bugging me that the red of his jacket clashes with the red of her dress.

Sean's not great, but he's not D.L.-levels of bad. Len liked it, but thought it lacked finesse and quality of movement. He adds that Sean's posture and footwork were good. Bruno calls him a "dance virgin" and tells him he has a powerful pelvic thrust. Oh, Bruno. Carrie Ann liked it, complimenting his "fearless exuberance."

Scores: Carrie Ann: 7; Len: 6; Bruno: 6

Alexandra Raisman and Mark Ballas & Mark Ballas' Spats: Cha Cha Cha
Mark points out that Aly's used to hitting her poses very sharply in gymnastics and she needs to be more fluid for dancing. He rolls up his pants to show her what he means by moving his own legs. That's actually a pretty good way of teaching by showing. (See, I can say nice things about Mark.)

Bruno has some very specific criticisms for Aly but overall liked it. Carrie Ann liked it, but has some concerns about musicality. Len wants her to have "crisper" legs, but says "well done."

Scores: Carrie Ann: 7; Len: 7; Bruno: 7

Dorothy Hamill and Tristan McManus: Contemporary
Dorothy won gold in the 1976 Olympics. She says she wasn't prepared to handle all of the attention afterwards. Five years ago, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. As she was recovering from her surgery, she was watching Kristi Yamaguchi compete and win her season of "Dancing with the Stars."

Contemporary routine shoe watch: She's barefoot, he's not. And that's what ticks me off. If the guys can dance the style with shoes on, shouldn't the women be able/allowed to as well?

It's a lovely routine, graceful and beautiful. All the judges love it, even if Len points out that there were a couple of bobbled moments.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 7; Len: 7; Bruno: 7

Wynonna Judd & Tony Dovolani: Cha Cha Cha
Wynonna's been caring for her husband since last summer when he was badly injured in a car crash. He lost a leg. So, this is something for her.

This is some sort of "gospel Cha Cha Cha." Baptist ancestors everywhere are spinning in their graves. Wynonna can't resist singing along to the song as she dances. Tony's going to have to drill that out of her.

Len says it was a bit too "careful" and Bruno tells her she needs to go for it more. Wynonna tries to sneer/snarl seductively at Bruno and she looks like my cat that had one of his upper fangs pulled and now sometimes his lip doesn't close right over the bottom fang on that side. Carrie Ann thought she did a good job of giving it her all.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 6; Len: 6; Bruno: 6

Huh. I didn't that was that much better than D.L.

Andy Dick and Sharna Burgess: Foxtrot
Andy Dick talks about his drinking and drug use right up front, and tells us he's currently sober. He calls this the "biggest opportunity he's ever had." Good for him for realizing the chance he's getting to rehab his public image, but I think he might be exaggerating. And he's crying on Day 3. I'm worried for him already.

He's a little awkward, but he's got a good frame for dancing, slender and elegant. Bruno says it was like watching "Woody Allen do the Foxtrot" with "skittish charm." Bruno enjoyed it "in a very crazy way."

Carrie Ann says he "touched her" with that dance. Careful, Carrie Ann, if he's still on probation somewhere, that might violate it. Len says it had no fluidity.

Brooke asks if Andy's worried about the pressure of the show driving him back to drink. Andy calls her on it, saying, "Oh, you went there." Andy, it's not you, she's a woman that doesn't know how to read a room or interview at all.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 6; Len: 6; Bruno: 6

Jacoby Jones and Karina Smirnoff: Cha Cha Cha
Their introduction package begins with his 108-yard kickoff return for a touchdown. It still looks impressive. Jacoby explains that his dad left when he was only 2 (and we see a cute, cute, cute picture of baby Jacoby in a stroller). We meet Jacoby's mom, Emily London-Jones, and she's wearing this great tweed suit and tells us if Jacoby has any dance skills, he got them from her. And then there's a sweet clip of the two of them dancing in her dining room.

On the first day of rehearsal, Karina asks Jacoby about his knee surgery. He had to start rehearsal later than the other contestants. Karina's freaking out about the reduced rehearsal time.

They've got the Cha Cha Cha (to Flo Rida's "Good Feeling") and start the dance on a square platform at the top of the stage. It's exploding with fireworks and they've darkened the audience area and given everybody glow stick thingies and it's all so much.


It's a fun routine and Jacoby seems to be having fun and looks comfortable. He's got some good hip moves and a face that really connects with the audience.

Carrie Ann loves it and tells him, "You've got some moves." Jacoby is doubled over gasping for breath and Carrie Ann is afraid he's going to faint. She says the routine looked like a "medley of touchdown dances," but she's smiling as she says it, and points out that they only had one week to practice.

Len rips Jacoby's technique. I don't think there's any part of Jacoby's body he doesn't criticize. His mom is in the audience along with some men I assume are friends and family and she's booing Len's criticism. Jacoby responds with a joking, "I love you, too."

As Bruno says he thinks Jacoby could be the "screaming sex machine of Season 16" (and how long do we think Bruno worked on that line), Len rolls his eyes and blows a raspberry. Bruno does want him to work on his foot placement, as apparently Jacoby's pigeon-toed. That's been a problem for a lot of the former football players, hasn't it?

Jacoby is still sucking wind during the interview with Brooke, explaining that there's "no play in the NFL that lasts a minute and a half." Because Brooke still and always is terrible at this, she follows up with a question that Jacoby just answered.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 7, Len: 6, Bruno: 7

Nobody gets eliminated this week. Everybody will be back to perform a second dance next week and the votes and scores from both weeks will be combined to eliminate the first couple next week on March 26.