It's two-on-one date night, which means there are going to be a lot of catty comments, some backstabbing and a lot of tears. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, this episode will include a one-on-one date, a group date and a two-on-one date.
(This sounds like it could turn into porn and we're only at the first paragraph.)
Without skipping a beat from last Monday's "to be continued" tracker, we are brought back to Santa Fe -- with Kelsey lying on the floor making bizarre noises to suggest she is having a panic attack.
After they've put an oxygen mask on her and she is able to respond to such important questions as "How were the brownies?" the paramedic asks her if there is anyone they can call. You know, like a family member or close friend. She asks for Chris, then blatantly says, "I better get a rose for this" reconfirming within four minutes of the episode that something isn't exactly right about this chick.
Chris accepts this request. When he asks her what happened, she tells him that when he shared with the other women they'd had a private conversation, she felt overwhelmed and that led to the panic attack. I'm curious how she was able to tell the story of her husband, the love of her life, dying, with a smile on her face, but was sent into a panic attack at a cocktail reception on "The Bachelor."
When the oxygen mask is removed and she returns to the other remaining women, Kelsey is full of life. She is laughing and sharing "funny" anecdotes from the panic attack that she literally just had. I'm not an expert, but I'm fairly certain that recovery time from a panic attack is a touch more than five minutes.
After sharing her aforementioned funny stories, Kelsey gets serious with the women by letting them know that this is really important to Chris, and his feelings are now in it wholeheartedly. You know, because she told him she is a widow.
ROSE CEREMONY
Since we didn't get one last week, after Kelsey has recovered in five minutes, we are ready for the rose ceremony. Casey, the cruise ship singer, says that if Kelsey gets a rose, she may spontaneously combust and I'm not sure that's possible.
Chris tells them he wants to give 110 percent and I still need to know where he went to school, because you can't actually give 110 percent.
As Chris begins handing out the roses, we are given a glimpse into what will happen 20 more times tonight – Kardashian is sobbing. This time, it's because she doesn't think she's going to get the rose, as her story isn't dramatic enough. Basically, she's admitting that "I'm a virgin" didn't go over as well as she'd hoped it would.
Mackenzie, the 21-year-old with a child named Kale, is also crying and whispers ever-so-gently, "If I get rejected tonight, I don't know that I'll ever be able to get over it."
She's 21…she'll be fine.
Eliminated: Mackenzie, (again, the 21-year-old with a child named Kale); Samantha, who I think was the former NFL cheerleader but I'm not sure because we haven't seen anything of her since episode one.
The girls are upset that Kelsey gets a rose. Kaitlyn, the girl who told Chris he could plow the f--- out of her field any day, tosses out her first gold one-liner for the night: "This isn't about your sad story anymore, it's about you (Kelsey) being a s---ty person."
After Mackenzie and Samantha leave, Chris tells the women that he just wants to have fun and that they're going to South Dakota. Fun in the "Wild West" is much different than actual fun, it seems.
FIRST DATE CARD
The first date card arrives. Britt shares Chris' note; "Becca, let's give love a shot… Chris."
Kelsey tells us that she's not happy about this, and no s--t, girl. We get it.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE
We learn that they are going horseback riding and I just can't get over how adorable Becca, America's sweetheart, is. The "let's give love a shot" note doesn't make much sense, but Chris also says things like "110 percent," so I get it. They hop on their horses and head up the trail.
(It's too bad they can't Instagram this, because it would get so many likes.)
BACK AT THE HOUSE
Carly, the cruise-ship singer, and Whitney, who should have been a Disney princess, decide that they want to confront Kelsey. When Kelsey sits down on the couch, they tell her that they feel as though she's a different person with them than she is with Chris.
Kelsey responds by using big words, which is something a-holes do to try and make people feel dumb, and usually without success. I learned this from a college boyfriend who loved the word "audacity." She also admits that her "mental state at that point was so confused," and I feel like she's probably had to use that line before.
When Kelsey is away from the other women, she tells us watching at home, "I get it. I am blessed with eloquence and I am articulate, because I am smart… I didn't go on this show to be defeated. I came here to win it." My point is made.
BACK TO THE ONE-ON-ONE-DATE
After their adorable horseback ride, Becca and Chris grill shish kabobs over an open fire and compare weird giggles.
After a giggle spell, he asks her what her five-year plan is. I wish he were more creative, because that's a terrible question for a date, and I'm bored.
As they continue their conversation, Chris says that reciprocation is something he likes to give but also something that he needs in return, and I wish he knew that was the definition of reciprocation.
SECOND DATE CARD
We're back at the house and Kaitlyn shares that Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly and Megan are going on the group date. The card reads, "Let's make sweet music together…Chris." And everyone quickly figures out that Kardashian and Kelsey have the two-on-one date, which is gold. Carly doesn't spontaneously combust and I have to admit, I'm a little disappointed.
BACK TO THE ONE-ON-ONE DATE
We go back to the one-on-one date long enough to learn that Chris gives Becca the rose, they finally kiss and she is embarrassed because her dad is going to see it. I think that's just something virgins on this show are supposed to say.
GROUP DATE
Today's group date activity is to write and perform a country music song for Chris. Naturally, country superstars Big & Rich are there to help, because that's how dating works.
Jade, the creator of an organic makeup line in L.A., is visibly uncomfortable and confesses to Big (or Rich, I have no idea which man is what) that she feels stupid because she's a perfectionist. Obviously, he grabs her hand and runs with her up and down the main street shouting mantras like, "I'm gonna speak my song, I've got something to say" while the song from "Rocky" is playing.
As the women are writing their songs, Chris and Britt, the girl who gives out free hugs on Hollywood Boulevard, sneak off to the corner of the bar to snuggle and kiss. This is the second week in a row that they've kissed openly in front of everyone.
Before the women have to share their masterpieces on stage, Chris steps up to the mic and sings the song he wrote. It's about being from the prairie and taking this journey to find a girl to marry. After a few verses, it's clear that he should probably stick to farming.
Britt is the first contestant to perform, and you can tell by her act that she lives in Hollywood and loves a good karaoke night in Koreatown. Whitney follows and sounds even more like a Disney princess when she is singing than she does when she is speaking. Next is Kaitlyn, who raps and says a cuss word because she is my new best friend.
Megan, the makeup artist, then performs a ballad. Carly, the cruise-ship singer who is really excited about this date, asks Chris to join her on stage. When he does, they sit down together and she stares longingly into his eyes while he likely is looking at her bad eyebrows and white eyeliner.
BACK AT THE MANSION
Becca reads the date card to Kardashian and Kelsey: "Two girls, one rose. One stays, one goes. Let's have good times in the Bad Lands… Chris."
They both say something rude about the other one, and there is just no way this two-on-one is going to be tolerable.
BACK AT THE GROUP DATE
Chris is really sweaty as he "toasts everything" to the women. Because Jade was the most nervous, he pulls her aside first and she immediately tells him that she could see herself moving to Iowa. For a girl with an organic makeup line in Los Angeles, I find that hard to believe, but what do I know?
When it's Britt's turn, he says he has a surprise for her, and they leave the rest of the women alone on a group date. I think it's safe to say their "nap" was taken after some under-the-bedsheets (naked) activity. They run across the street to a Big and Rich concert and I am willing to bet my life savings that Chris and Britt are invited to the stage.
Chris and Britt are invited to the stage and I'm willing to bet my car that Chris gives Britt the rose on stage.
Chris gives Britt the rose on stage and I'm running out of things to bet, so I'm just going to guess that they make out on stage.
They make out on stage. Then they dance to "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy," and we are reintroduced to Chris' armpit stains.
After the concert, Chris and Britt walk hand-in-hand back into the room where the rest of the group date is waiting, Britt carrying the rose in her free hand. The rest of the women look like Chris ran over their favorite pet with his tractor.
But I'm always one to give credit where credit is due: Chris actually does a nice job of telling them he understands things are hard and not to let that ruin the rest of the fun they had that day.
When Chris leaves, Megan, the makeup artist, asks Britt where they went. Whitney follows that question with, "You were there for over an hour while we sat here on the couch," and I kind of feel bad for her for a second. Then I remember what show I'm watching.
TWO-ON-ONE DATE
They hilariously open the scene with Kardashian putting on fake eyelashes and makeup, while wearing a crop top with a dangly belly-button ring hanging over her pants. You know, because that's what you wear to go to the Badlands.
The date starts with the three of them taking a helicopter over Mount Rushmore to the Badlands. Kardashian is so annoyed with Kelsey she tells us she "just can't even," so you know she means business.
When they arrive, the three of them sit on a bed in the middle of nowhere and toast each other. The next few minutes are spent in silence as each of them sip their drink.
Chris grabs Kardashian's hand and a blanket and they head behind a rock so Kelsey can't see them. Immediately after sitting down, they begin this week's aggressive make-out session. Kardashian begins bashing Kelsey, "on behalf of the rest of the women."
After listening, Chris takes Kardashian back to the bed, where Kelsey asks, "is it my turn?" and I feel like this is bordering on what happens at a brothel.
When Chris takes Kelsey to the same spot and they sit on the same blanket, he confronts her about what Kardashian just told him. She responds with a lot of strange statements like, "I'm prepared to be a wife because I have been one already."
She also says that she's not there for the competition and I'm confused because earlier she said that's exactly why she's there.
When Kelsey returns to the bed, she gives Kardashian a major stare down that Kardashian blatantly ignores, and I'm actually a little concerned for Kardashian's safety. And not just today, but also when the show ends.
Once they finally speak, Kelsey says, "I know what you did" and they begin arguing. I think the only part that is worthy of sharing is when Kardashian says, "You're from Pleasantville and I'm from 2014. You think I'm not as smart as you because I don't use big words. We both have our Masters." Hang on a sec, because I'm going to find out where from.
(Side note: After the episode, Kardashian video chats with Jimmy Kimmel on his show and wears a shirt that says, "I'm actually really smart.")
Kardashian then storms off in tears, grabs Chris' hand and tells him he shouldn't have told her what was said. I'm a little scared that the three of them are alone (but with a full camera crew) in the middle of nowhere.
For what feels like three hours, Kardashian sobs and finally Chris tells her that he doesn't think she would be happy in his world. I agree, because there is no way those lashes would make it in Iowa. Her response is, "so you think Britt would fit into your world?" And I'm confused, because Britt has nothing to do with this date, or his sentiments.
She storms off again, and then runs back to him for a hug. He says, "I care about you and hope you find what you're looking for," which basically means, "Can you please just leave now?" As Kardashian is walking toward the bed that Kelsey is sitting on, Kelsey smiles.
Back at the house, a crewmember arrives to grab Kardashian's suitcase and the rest of the women are shocked that she is the one he sent home.
Kardashian essentially has a worse-than-Kelsey panic attack in front of the camera, just not on the floor.
Chris goes back to the bed to tell Kelsey that he sent Kardashian home. She says, "I'm so sorry, that must have been so hard for you" and hugs him. He pulls away and with that, we know he's going to send her home, too.
As he explains to her that she is going home as well, I feel badly for all men who have to break up with a woman who has feelings for them because it looks absolutely miserable. That feeling of sympathy lasts about 11 seconds, because he says 110 percent again and I go back to being irritated.
As he walks away from these women, I'm thinking that Chris was actually the strategic one here. He wanted to send them both home and the easiest way to do it was with a two-on-one date. Well played, Prince Farming. Well played.
When the crewmember comes back to get Kelsey's suitcase, the remaining women scream and cheer, "Chris is so smart!"
During Kelsey's exit interview she says, "I am immeasurably blessed." We get it Kelsey, you use big words. Even when they don't make sense
As Chris flies back to the house, both women are left in the Badlands sitting just feet away from one another, and this may turn into "The Hunger Games."
We then learn that there is a two-part episode next week, meaning there is an episode on both Sunday and Monday. You'll be seeing a lot of me next week.
Eliminated:
Mackenzie, the 21-year-old with a kid named Kale; Samantha, who I think was the former NFL cheerleader but not sure because we haven't seen anything of her since episode one; Kardashian, because she is almost as crazy as Kelsey, except she uses smaller words; Kelsey, because she is almost as crazy as Kardashian, except she uses bigger words
My Hometown Guesses:
Kaitlyn, because she's the funny one. But still pretty, because a woman can be both.
Becca, because she's America's Sweetheart.
Jade, because the family likes her.
Britt, because they like to run away together and kiss in front of the other women.
Chris' Best Line From Episode 6: "This is where Calamity Jane did her business. I kinda feel like a tough guy walking down the street. Ya know what I'm sayin'?"