'Bachelor Pad' finale recap: 'Most shocking' ending ... ever?

Tonight the 2012 Bachelor series trifecta comes to an end with what Chris Harrison describes as the "most shocking and most disturbing 'Bachelor Pad' finale."

We've laughed and we've cried (because we were laughing so hard), but we couldn't be happier to say goodbye to these fools.

Ray Lewis would be ashamed if he knew what we were doing right now. We currently have two televisions set up in our living room -- one on mute with the Ravens game and the other with "Bachelor Pad." We can't wait to see who wins on both screens!

They're still together!

Sarah: Lindzi ("Horse Girl") and Kalon ("Butt Chin") are still together, and happy, until Erica ("Plastic Princess") reveals that she's seen him with several other girls in Houston. Blakeley ("Cougar") and Tony ("Slug") are moving in together next week and OH LOOK HE JUST PROPOSED.

Chris: Lindzi must have been eating a lot of carrots cause she's awfully orange. I hope the lumber business is booming in Portland because I don't think Blakeley's business will do well in that hipster haven.

The drama of Michael & Rachel

Sarah: Though all lovey-dovey during the game, Michael ("Puppy") and Rachel ("Snaggle Tooth") are no longer together. He broke it off with her after the last episode because he didn't want to be in a long distance relationship. Then Rachel points out that he's currently in a long-distance girlfriend in Chicago. It doesn't matter -- he just doesn't like you!

Chris: Michael was interested in Rachel since there were no other options on the show. Next-door neighbors would have been too long distance for that relationship.

We don't all need to be friends

Sarah: Rachel feels bad for choosing Sarah ("Praying Mantis") and Chris ("Lt. Dan") to go to the finale over Jaclyn ("Muppet") and Ed ("Adam Corolla"). Jaclyn has "forgiven, but not forgotten." How about keeping in mind that this is a game? She didn't pick you because she would have lost not because you're annoying (though that would have been one of my reasons).

Chris: Jamie ("Gloves") went from Michael Jackson attire on the show to Ke$ha rags on the reunion. Why is she still upset at Chris for trading her in for Sarah? She obviously has serious issues that Chris was smart enough to sniff out.

The vote

Sarah: They didn't even need to read all the votes -- Nick ("Widow Snatcher") and Rachel won by a landslide. Kalon, David ("Frosted Tips") and Erica voted for Chris and Sarah. Lets see if they share or keep the prize since the "most shocking and most disturbing" part still has yet happened. Unless that was the part where Blakeley and Tony got engaged.

Chris: This is where thinking is involved in the show. Now Nick and Rachel must decide (separately) whether they want to share or keep the prize. If share it, they'll each get $125,000. If one wants to share and the other wants to keep, the one who decided to keep it will get the entire $250,000. If they both choose to keep it, they will get nothing and the $250,000 will be split among the other contestants. Drama!

The choice

Sarah: Rachel gave a lame speech about how she couldn't have asked for a better partner and revealed her decision to share the prize. Nick followed up with an amazing speech about how everyone in the house ignored him (we did too, he didn't earn a nickname until the fifth episode) and how Rachel never wanted to be his partner and even threatened to leave three times even though it meant the game would be over for him. So, he chose to keep the money for himself! Of course Rachel still doesn't understand why he chose to keep it, so he repeated the speech again. Then she chased him down backstage for "answers" and he repeated himself again.

Chris: REVENGE OF THE NERDS! He's never going to see her again, so what's it matter? This conclusion has made sitting through this mind-numbingly boring finale completely worth it.