It's our last day of "Bachelor in Paradise" for the summer and the remaining couples – Grant, the firefighter who is actually probably a stripper who dresses up like a firefighter from JoJo's season, and Lace, the self-proclaimed "crazy girl" and drunk from Ben's season; Nick Viall, a 35-year-old who has been rejected by Andi Dorfman, Kaitlyn Bristowe and "Dancing With the Stars," and Jen, the biggest fake boobs Nick has ever touched in his (long) run on this franchise; Evan, the erectile dysfunction specialist, and Carly, the former cruise ship karaoke singer from Chris Soules' season; Josh Murray, the suitor Andi Dorfman chose over Nick after his first try at this show, and Amanda, the single mom from Orange County and Ben's season — are waking up from their nights together in their respective fantasy suites.
Carly and Evan are giggling and prancing around the fantasy suite living room, wearing matching robes and talking excitedly about how in love they are with each other. He expresses his sentiments with an off-the-cuff poem. She says, "I think my favorite thing in the whole world is to wake up next to you," and I am really grateful that my favorite thing in the world will never be to wake up next to Evan.
Grant and Lace can't decide whether they should become engaged today because that's definitely a conversation you have after six weeks of knowing each other. Lace says that if they don't get engaged they're not going to make it and I'm guessing she's had at least six tequila shots. And it's like 9 a.m. Lace asks the camera, "Why did we get tattoos if we're just going to regret them in the morning?" Isn't that the point of getting a tattoo?
Nick and Jen are still in bed, which is typical for Nick and his time in the fantasy suite. He isn't wearing a shirt because he hasn't worn a shirt since Kaitlyn's season. They have the same breakfast in bed he just had a year ago with Kaitlyn, and kiss for a while before Nick says, "We could be engaged." I just laugh at this point.
Josh and Amanda are also still in bed but Josh is fully clothed and Amanda has more makeup on than I do on any Saturday night at 9 p.m.
PICKING OUT THE ENGAGEMENT RING
Evan goes to meet Neil Lane wearing a sheer T-shirt that makes his cleavage look bigger than Carly's and now I know why Chad didn't want to give him $20 for the shirt he ripped. It was a waste of money the first (and second and third and fourth) time.
Grant is next with Mr. Lane and he picks the first ring he's shown. Kind of like how he picked his girlfriend in paradise.
When it's Nick's turn, Neil cracks a joke, because you know, they're basically best friends with the amount of time they've spent together during Nick's run at this franchise.
The next man, Josh, is also recognized by Neil because — you guessed it — he's picked out a Neil Lane diamond on this show once before, too.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONIES
Carly faces her fate first and through tears, Evan spouts some stuff about cartoons, adventures and his kids. Three things I'm not interested in at all. Carly retorts with a very well-rehearsed plea for a proposal. She's had like three seasons to practice so I'd be disappointed if she biffed it.
Evan pulls a ring out of his pocket and mutters the words every girl wants to hear when she's being asked for her happily ever after — "Will you freaking marry me?" She says yes, and according to the credits she can't wait to be the "cool stepmom" to his kids. I hope they get married on a "freaking" cruise ship.
As Mr. and soon-to-be Mrs. Erectile Dysfunction ride off into the sunset, Lace makes her way down to greet Grant at the beach next. On her way she tells Chris Harrison she is nervous that he's not going to propose. So, to try to ensure he does, she tells him he's hot and funny. Apparently that's enough to convince him to get down on one knee. Even though she's probably too drunk to really know what she's getting herself into.
Now that "Grace" can justify their tattoos, we are forced to watch another Nick Viall breakup on national TV. This seems like a waste of time since they announced last week that Nick is the next Bachelor. Jen professes her love to Nick as he blinks hard enough to make the sunscreen he put over his eyes starts to do its job in making it look like he's crying.
In response to "I love you," Nick says, through fake tears, "There's something in my heart that I can't [tell you I love you]." And by heart, he means new contract.
The final rose will determine what the future holds for Amanda and Josh. Amanda excitedly tells Josh that she wants to leave paradise with him and introduce him to her children. Josh does his best to fake cry (should have asked Nick for advice), says he feels blessed and gets down on one knee to propose through his soaking with sweatshirt. If a man uses "blessed" in any expression of love to me, I will leave the conversation immediately.
Jen, the biggest fake boobs Nick has ever touched in his (long) run on this franchise.
LINE OF THE NIGHT
"I feel like my heart is a knot and I just can't untie it" – Nick.
We get to catch up with the three newly engaged couples and here's what you need to know:
Jen showed up to "After Paradise" with her fake boobs fully out in true "show my ex what he's missing" girl-game form. A friend of mine texted me that she thinks Jen will be the former contestant that shows up on Nick's upcoming season since that has become a recent trend, and it's not a terrible thought.
Grant shares that he and Lace had sex everywhere they could while in paradise. So basically she definitely has sand in places girls shouldn't have sand. Still.
Lace one-ups him and tells us that Grant "knows how to use his hose." You know, because he's a "firefighter" and all.
Evan tells us he's butt hurt about the mean things that Carly said about him early on in the season. I'm surprised his nose didn't start bleeding again just talking about it.
Carly's bestie Jade (who was engaged to Tanner during last summer's season of paradise) Skypes in to congratulate her. Not wanting to miss an opportunity at TV time, Tanner joins Jade and congratulates Evan for getting out of the friend zone, and I think, "for the first time in his life!"
Amanda and Josh take the couch and Amanda can't stop licking her lips, so she's clearly still recovering from being attached at the mouth all summer. Josh's publicist must be opening a bottle of wine because Josh is now America's sweetheart — at least for now. If she's not drinking, I am. And not for the same reason.
All day, Bachelor Nation has been posting to social media that there is a huge announcement tonight, and all I wanted was for Amanda to be pregnant. Instead, I got that "Bachelor in Paradise" was renewed for another season.
Thank you so much for tuning in all season! I will see you in October for "Ben & Lauren: Happily Ever After" and again in January for Nick Viall's fourth try at love on the franchise. Talk to me on Twitter and Snapchat @abbydraper in the interim.