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'Bachelor in Paradise' recap: Nothing says romance like wrestling in Mexico

Mikey T. (left) and Juelia watch wrestling in Mexico on "Bachelor in Paradise."
Mikey T. (left) and Juelia watch wrestling in Mexico on "Bachelor in Paradise." (ABC / Rick Rowell)

Back in Paradise, Ashley I. — the virgin who looks like a Kardashian from Chris Soules' season and cries all of the time — and Joe, this season's jerk, have found a new friendship. It consists of Ashley I. crying and Joe not caring at all. We spend the next eight minutes watching her cry because Jared, "Love Man," doesn't love her.

Carly, the cruise ship singer, shows up with the date card and reads, "Mikey T., choose your date and pack your bags. Guadalajara awaits," and Mikey T. immediately asks Juelia, the widowed mother, to join him.

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Juelia and Mikey T. get ready for their date before heading to the same plane Tanner, whose Instagram I hate, and Jade, who was sent home from Chris' season because she posed for Playboy, took to their fantasy suite the night before. They make out the entire way to Guadalajara because they're obviously in love after he returned to Paradise to keep her from going home.

Back at the house, Joe and the other bros talk about how Samantha staged her relationship with Joe. Joe threatens to show everyone the text messages he exchanged with Samantha, and she tries really hard to play it off. They step aside to talk, and essentially neither of them knows what is happening.

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Welcome to the club, Samantha and Joe.

Kirk, whom no one remembers from Ali's season, decides he wants a date with Carly, so he takes her fishing, which is apparently a hobby they share. As the sun sets, they make out to prove they're a real couple. Carly tells us she can't believe she found her husband on day one. This is how love happens on the "Bachelor" franchise.

Juelia and Mikey T. land in Guadalajara. Juelia tells the camera she is excited for romance, and we then learn their date is a wrestling match. Because nothing says romance like a Mexican wrestling match.

After the match, Juelia and Mikey T. have the ring to themselves, so they bounce around before making out. As they recap their day, Mikey T. pulls out the fantasy suite card because apparently that's a thing now on "Bachelor in Paradise." They decide to spend the night together.

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The next morning, they share breakfast in bed before Juelia puts on a wrestling mask and jumps on top of Mikey T. Yes, this happened.

Back in Paradise, Ashley I. tries to give Joe relationship advice by telling him to reintroduce himself to Samantha as though they've never met. He attempts this; Samantha wants nothing to do with it.

Out of nowhere, Justin — one of the 14 personal trainers from Kaitlyn's season — shows up, and naturally, he's immediately attracted to Samantha. He pulls her aside to ask her on a date, and she agrees. For whatever reason, Justin decides to tell the rest of the group that he and Samantha are now a couple. The rest of Paradise is convinced Joe is going to walk into the ocean until he can't breathe anymore.

Joe pulls Samantha aside, and after she bats her eyes a few times, Joe realizes he's been completely played.

ABC gives us the notorious "TO BE CONTINUED" scroll, and we go to "After Paradise" where we learn that Ben H. is the next Bachelor.

What do you think about Ben H. as the new "Bachelor"? Let me know in the comments.

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