On the second night of "Bachelor in Paradise" this week, we are taken back to the infamous stairs as Ashley I., the virgin who cries a lot and loves Jared in a really creepy way, arrives. She is greeted by Chris Harrison, who welcomes her by saying, "Paradise isn't the same without you" which is code for, "Here comes the post-Chad drama we've been waiting for."
Ashley I. tells Chris that she is back because she is still not over Jared, "love man" from Kaityln's season, and wants to make it work with him. Chris Harrison asks if Ashley I. and Jared have ever hooked up and she responds with a big smile and, "I don't know how much he's told you!" Chris continues to pry by asking her to explain in baseball terms. Ashley I. doesn't seem like a gal who would understand sports lingo, so when she suggests second base, I'm not sure if that means he's touched her boob or they've gone all the way. And I don't think she is either.
To try to end this conversation, she says that she was going to keep that private but we learn the real reason she's here is because Jared hasn't spoken to her in five months. To most women this would mean he's just not that into you, but we're talking about a woman who cannot hold a conversation about a boy who doesn't like her without shedding a gallon of tears.
Chris reminds her that when she gets to the beach Jared may be with another woman. Ashley claims that's "fine" and we all know what it means when a girl says something is fine — it's the exact opposite.
Chris continues to ask the heavy-hitting questions such as, "How is the crying going?" which is a nod to how insane she is. Ashley tells us that she has set a goal for herself this season — to only cry three times, which if history has taught us anything is an impossible accomplishment for her.
Chris knows this, too and responds with, "Three times a day?" and apparently she believes she can go all season only crying three times. I'm going to guess she doesn't make it through tonight without crying less than three times.
Knowing there is no way she can meet that goal, Chris Harrison hands Ashley the date card and she walks down the second set of stairs, this time to meet the group.
When the group turns to see that she's arrived, Ashley begs, "Don't kill me" basically validating that she knows she's ruining Jared's life.
While the cast whispers about her arrival, Jared looks defeated and mutters to the camera that he was caught off guard. Jared visibly went from being excited about Caila, the almost Bachelorette who should just spell her name Kayla like a normal person, to stressed about Ashley.
Predictably, her first move in paradise is to get Jared alone. When they step away, she interrogates him, asking him about what is going on and who he's given a rose to. He is honest and tells her about Emily, one of the twins no one can tell apart and then Caila, the almost Bachelorette who should just spell her name Kayla like a normal person.
Jared makes his best effort to prevent Ashley from bursting tears by saying, "You should be excited to be here! Everyone is excited to see you!" and I think that's the first time we've ever seen Jared lie.
After their conversation, Ashley wants to talk to the twins. I'm not sure why, but then again, I could totally see Ashley as the third twin if she were blonde.
Ashley asks Emily about her relationship with Jared and Emily tells her it wasn't anything special, but that the way Jared reacted to Caila's arrival was pure excitement and desire. So, like, the opposite of what Ashley wanted to hear.
Ashley claims that she and Caila had spent time together before paradise and Caila promised both that she wouldn't come to paradise and that she would never date Jared. I feel like Ashley definitely has every woman she meets promise her they wouldn't date Jared if given the chance by saying, "Girl code!" even if they just met, like, standing in line for the bathroom.
Ashley is in her first round of hysterics and she's been on the island for exactly four minutes. She claims that had Jared fallen for anyone else, she'd be OK with it, but because Caila made her a promise, she feels betrayed.
Ashley steps away to try and fix her makeup after crying so hard and I wonder if Ashley travels with a full makeup bag everywhere she goes. It's rare that I have chapstick on me so the thought of an entire bag of makeup is a lost concept.
Once the first set of "three" rounds of tears have set and her face is redone, she asks to talk to Caila.
Caila starts the conversation by apologizing to Ashley, and I want every woman who has spent one day with a boy I have a crush on to apologize to me, too.
Caila claims that she didn't know she was going to come to paradise until a couple of days before, which I can believe because she also didn't know she wasn't going to be the Bachelorette until a couple of days before, either.
After their conversation, Ashley tells us she hates Caila for being a liar.
As Caila is walking away, the twins tell Jared that Ashley is crying and Jared quickly goes to attend to her. I'm no love expert, but I'm going to suggest that the reason Ashley continues with these antics is because Jared continues to acknowledge them. It's like when I buy wine and see the cashier that always compliments me is working — I will wait in line for an hour before going to a shorter line just because I want the compliment. I am that vain and Ashley definitely is too.
Ashley tells Jared that Caila said she wouldn't ever date Jared and then confesses her desire for them to be together again or she'll go home. He does his whole, "I'm going to avoid talking about this by distracting her" thing and encourages her to read the date card. She does and it says, well… I don't know what it says because I do not understand women when they try to talk through huffing and puffing.
Jared convinces Ashley to ask Daniel, the male model who doesn't look like a male model, on a date and because Jared suggested it, she agrees.
Ashley approaches Daniel who is casually posing on the beach and re-reads the date card in a manner in which I can understand. It says, "Love requires sacrifices. Your date is tonight," and I hope this is a nod to sacrificing a virgin.
Daniel says some weird things about meat (he definitely misses Chad at this point) and decides to tell Sarah, who was sent home from Sean Lowe's season and "Bachelor in Paradise," making this her third try at love on this franchise, that he is going out with Ashley and will see her later. Sarah is regretting her decision to send Christian, who I remember nothing about from JoJo's season, home but it's OK because they both live in Santa Monica.
DATE ONE
Daniel and Ashley head to dinner and the very first thing he asks is if she is still a virgin. She says that she is and he retorts with, "Are you interested in having sex in the near future?" which in my opinion is pretty smooth, but it's been a while since I've been a virgin getting hit on.
He continues the questions with, "You don't swing both ways, do you?" Ashley says that she doesn't and Daniel tells her, "I do. But only on Fridays." I think this is meant to be a joke, but, collectively, the room of people I'm with agree that he's probably not kidding.
Daniel keeps things interesting by asking her if she still likes Jared. She claims that they are in a relationship emotionally but the physicality is not there because he doesn't want it to be. Daniel is surprised by this, and I'm not sure if it's because he can't believe someone doesn't want to have sex with Ashley or because he now wonders if Jared would have sex with him, instead.
According to Ashley, she and Daniel are really bonding. You know, while talking about her being a virgin who is in love with a man who doesn't love her back.
Daniel tells us that Ashley being a virgin is turning him on and then calls his penis Canadian bacon and Canadian sausage, both covered in maple syrup — I hope this is how he sends dirty text messages.
Their date is interrupted when a bunch of men dressed as aborigines (I don't really know how aborigines dress but this is my guess) arrive, shouting that they need to "sacrifice a virgin" (called it) before carrying Ashley away on a chair, leaving Daniel alone.
Daniel is unfazed by this, shrugs and takes a bite of his meal.
We are never shown what happened after this, which makes me wonder if Ashley finally made it to third base.
When we return to the resort, Josh Murray, the suitor Andi Dorfman chose over Nick Viall after his first try at this show, and Amanda, the single mom from Orange County and Ben's season, are back to kissing while Nick Viall, a 35-year-old who has been rejected by Andi Dorfman, Kaitlyn Bristowe and "Dancing With the Stars," whines about not connecting with anyone. He shares that he just wants to meet someone "fun and super hot" which I guess are important qualities in a wife when you've been rejected so many times.
At that, a girl named Jen walks down the stairs. I have absolutely no idea who she is but apparently she was also on Ben's season.
After she greets the group, she reads her date card, which states, "Jen, today is for sure to be 'yachts' of fun" and I'm guessing Jen may not be too smart if they're breaking it down that much for her. At least she's fun and super hot, right?
Jen wants to know what's been happening, so the twins break it down for her. Clearly the twins are the go-to for paradise drama, which I guess makes sense.
After the breakdown, Daniel and Nick both tell Jen that they want to go out with her. Jen decides to ask Nick on her date and he accepts. You know, because she's fun and super hot.
Everyone claps when he agrees, including Nick, which makes me believe the things Andi said about his performance when the lights are out are true.
Once the date has been confirmed, Carly, the former cruise ship karaoke singer from Chris Soules' season, wonders aloud to Sarah if Evan, the erectile dysfunction specialist, faked his illness the night before just for a kiss from her.
During this conversation, Evan is lying in bed, now alone, where a medic checks in to see how he is. It appears his ankles are so swollen he needs to go to the hospital. He argues this until he realizes that he could pity Carly into being his "date" to the ER. Nothing like being tricked into spending your day at the hospital with a guy you're not into, instead of on the beach or, like, anywhere else.
DATE TWO
As you may have guessed from the blatant date card, Nick and Jen's date is on a boat. They have the same conversation Nick has had with every woman he's ever spoken to:
Nick: "I was nervous about being here" (which is what he has said every season so far)
Nick: "Thank you for being here with me" (which is what he has said every season so far)
Nick: "I'm so glad you're here" (which is what he has said every season so far)
Nick: "You are just so beautiful" (which is what he has said every season so far)
Girl: "You think so?"
While the cameras continually scan on Jen's fake boobs, Nick suggests a "cheers" to her (another Viall move we've come to learn) and they dock the boat to lie on the sand. As crabs attack him (actual crabs, that's not a dig at Jen), Nick leans in for a kiss and then crawls on top of Jen to make out in the sand. I hope she gets to shower soon because sand in the private regions is never a good idea. But, I guess that's the theme when trying to date Nick.
In paradise, Evan is being rushed to the hospital with an IV in his arm but all he tells us is that he "got a date" because Carly is in the ambulance with him.
At the hospital he keeps being creepy, but apparently it's working. Carly says she is "back on the Evan train," and that is a train I never want to ride.
As this is happening, Ashley is crying hysterically in her bed over Jared, who still doesn't want to be her boyfriend. Caila is standing 3 feet away watching and now feeling badly about her new relationship with Jared. Women are really the worst.
COCKTAIL RECEPTION
Chris Harrison reminds the group that the men are giving out the roses tonight. He encourages the guys to take some time and make their final decisions.
Jared grabs Caila immediately and she says that she doesn't want to end up in a one-sided relationship with him like Ashley has. He convinces her its not like that and they kiss.
A few feet away, Nick and Ashley are talking about Ashley's feelings and Nick blatantly says this isn't love it is an obsession and that she will never be with Jared. Obviously, we've hit our mark and Ashley is crying again.
Ashley then asks to talk to Jared alone again. When he agrees, she goes on another rant about how they should just be in love — and this time, Jared isn't happy.
He is frustrated because he thought he'd found someone (Caila) but Ashley came in and interrupted with her tears and makeup bags. He comes out and asks her why she is there, and she claims it's to get over him.
Jared is so perturbed he says he just wants to leave. So naturally, it's
TO BE CONTINUED…
ELMINATED
No one
LINE OF THE NIGHT
"Things can't get much worse unless someone dies!" – Ashley talking about Jared liking Caila and not her.
AFTER PARADISE
It turns out that Sean Lowe has made this a full-time gig and I can't think of a worse host for this show. Tonight's guests are: James Gunn, director of "Guardians of the Galaxy"; the twins; Daniel and Ashley.
Here are the only five things you need to know from the (terrible) episode.
- The outtakes show us how strange Daniel is. I find this incredibly intriguing because in his case, strange is funny but like Daniel doesn’t know that. Men that are funny without knowing they’re funny is hot.
- Ashley claims that Jared acted like a boyfriend and lead her on and there was a poll where “America” agreed, which is strange to me because if a man wants to be with you, he will. It’s really that easy.
- Ashley’s dad Skypes in and claims that he is very proud of her for the morals and standards that she keeps and how hard she loves. This is the best thing because I love that dads are always proud of their kids no matter what — like, my dad reads all of these recaps despite not knowing anything about the show.
- Apparently “Lace’ted" is a term which means that you’re incredibly drunk, courtesy of Lace.
- Luke basically says he’d be gay for a green card. He also takes his shirt off for the last five minutes of the show. This would bother me except his one-liners are so incredible.
As always, tell me what you think on Twitter or Snapchat @abbydraper. See you next week!