We are welcomed back to "Bachelor in Paradise" on Tuesday night by Daniel, the male model who doesn't look like a male model, lying in bed counting out loud how many abs he has. You know, because he's a male model. Is there a more appropriate way to return to this disaster?
The episode continues with the first of way too many close-ups of Josh Murray, the suitor Andi Dorfman chose over Nick Viall after Nick's first try at this show, with his enormous tongue (probably to distract from his enormous teeth) all the way down the throat of Amanda, the single mom from Orange County and Ben's season. Like, people make out on this show all of the time, but this is the type of kissing that would make you uncomfortable to watch with another person in the room. He actually fits his entire tongue in her mouth while groaning. And it never ends. How are they breathing? Isn't she starving? Or at least thirsty? My lips are chapped just watching this.
Since it's the women's turn to give out roses this week, the men are working hard for the chance to stay and find love. Or to see who else shows up.
Josh's plan is clearly to prevent Amanda from talking until the rose ceremony by keeping his tongue in her throat; Daniel, the male model who doesn't look like a male model, works his one-liner charm on Sarah, who was sent home from Sean Lowe's season and "Bachelor in Paradise," making this her third try at love on this franchise, with gems like responding to her question, "How long have you been waiting for me [to meet you in this cabana]? with, "I've been waiting my whole life for you."
As the men vie for their shot at one more week of finding love on TV, Christian, who I actually remember nothing about from JoJo's season, makes his way down the Paradise stairs to tonight's beach bonfire. Staying true to form, he uses big words that would actually make more sense if they weren't big words.
FIRST DATE CARD
Immediately after joining Paradise, Christian opens the envelope containing his date card and shares, "Christian who are you falling for? Choose a date."
Christian doesn't want to interfere with any existing relationships, so he asks to talk to the guys before he decides on a date. Josh makes it clear that Amanda is spoken for while Nick tries not to punch Josh in the face.
After learning most women were fair game, Christian takes Sarah aside and, after some flirting, asks her on his date. This is convenient because they both live in Santa Monica, Calif. So like, they can host promo gigs together at The Bungalow. Win-win.
The next day, Carly, the former cruise ship karaoke singer from Chris Soules' season, and Evan, the erectile dysfunction specialist from JoJo's season, are having separate conversations about their Guinness World Records date the night before. Naturally Evan is in love and Carly is appalled. We know this mostly because she says, "He's only concentrating on men's boners and not lady boners," which is Carly's, like, 8,094th home run in three episodes.
Carly knows that she has to break it off with Evan, so she pulls him aside and tells him that she's "not romantically interested in dating" him. He doesn't say anything in response other than, "I'm going to go upstairs," which probably means he's going to (actually) tickle himself again, but with an angry face this time.
Jared, "Love man" from Kaitlyn's season, comes to check on Carly after the "break-up" and says, "I mean, you went on a date and you threw up," and this is probably the first funny thing Jared has ever said.
Christian and Sarah go zip lining then scale down a mountain. Christian calls her sexy at least 10 times in a row, so he's clearly run out of big words to use for the week.
While newly singled Evan considers whether he should leave Paradise, Carly shares that she's ready for a new guy to arrive. Ask and you shall receive, Carly…
Moments later, a skinny blond man walks down the stairs to greet Chris Harrison. Chris, like the rest of Bachelor Nation, has zero clue who this guy is. Chris asks, "Do I know you?" and the kid says he is Brandon from Desiree's season. Honestly, Desiree and her season were so hard to watch, it's absolutely not a surprise that no one knows who he is. Maybe he and Izzy, who was sent home the first night of Ben's season so no one knows who she is or why she's here, will connect.
Chris Harrison continues with, "Nice to meet you" and hands whoever this guy is the date card. I wonder if I just showed up at Paradise and said I was on, like, Byron Velvick's season, Harrison would let me through.
Once Chris sends him on his way, Brandon greets the group and, you guessed it, no one recognizes him. He tells them he was on Desiree's season and Carly, who is excited at the opportunity to give her rose to a total stranger who has just arrived, says, "Oh you were on the season with my brother." This franchise is like incest defined (and obviously why I have been watching for 14 years).
SECOND DATE CARD
Brandon reveals that his date card reads, "Brandon, hopefully you are here for the right reasons."
Despite what Carly wants, Brandon asks Haley (one of the twins) on the date.
Shortly thereafter, Christian and Sarah return from their adventurous date only to gush about how amazing it was. This makes Daniel jealous. It also makes him compare life to eagles again with, "I'm an eagle and tonight I'm going in for the kill." I wonder how many eagle metaphors this male model has up his Canadian Speedo.
As the sun goes down, Daniel asks Sarah to join him, and he guides her to a private cabana where he has chocolate-covered strawberries and Champagne waiting. He says he paid a local to do it, and I check Twitter to see if this guy is as funny as I hope he is. He doesn't have Twitter, so the answer is clearly no.
Sarah says she wants to know if there's more to Daniel than just his weirdness and then calls him weird 11-and-a-half times.
After this gesture Sarah is torn between Christian, the guy who she says could be the man of his dreams, and Daniel, who is "peculiar." I'm not one to offer advice here because at this point in my life, I'd choose the guy whose one liners crack me up — but I'm awake at 12:30 a.m. recapping this stupid show, so there's that.
Daniel ends this impromptu date with, "I want to kiss you but I don't want to give you this Zika virus," and that's it — choose the peculiar one, girl.
Apparently the twin on this date is Haley but very quickly we learn that she and the other one think it's a good idea to "pull a switcharoo" (their words, definitely not mine) on Brandon and switch spots halfway through. As soon as Brandon tells Haley he is certain that he can tell the two apart, she excuses herself and swaps clothes with the other twin in the bathroom. Of course, he doesn't notice and tries to kiss the other one as Haley watches from the bathroom. Every single scene these two have been in this season has been the intro to a porn, so like, I'm calling their next career move.
Back at the resort, the three "couples" formed so far decide to call themselves the "sexy six," and yet another "Bachelor" porn is born. This one begins as all three couples make out next to each other like they're back in their college dorms.
While this "sexy six" scene is going down, Evan for some reason convinces himself that it would be a good idea to "steal" Amanda from Josh, because they're in Paradise to risk everything for love, right?
He schemes the beginning of their love story and decides he's going to initiate the relationship with a date card for Amanda — written by himself rather than Chris Harrison, of course. Of everything he could write, he goes with, "Evan you deserve love. Take Amanda to the tree house."
Wearing sweatpants and a T-shirt that Chad didn't rip, Evan sets up said tree house. As he decorates it with food and white wine, he becomes more excited and confident in what he believes will be everlasting love. With Amanda… who hasn't come up for air all day.
Evan makes his way to the beach and interrupts what has got to be Josh and Amanda's attempt at saving Carly's name for being printed in the Guinness Book of World Records for kissing Evan longer than is comfortable.
And with that, we are shown the dreaded "TO BE CONTINUED" scroll. Not to fear, though it appears a new season of "After Paradise" has returned. Keep reading for highlights. But first --
LINE OF THE NIGHT
"Evan could just be a lot less Evan-ish" – Daniel
AFTER PARADISE LIVE
Apparently "After Paradise Live" is trying to make a comeback. The inaugural episode is hosted by comedian Michelle Collins, who was kicked off of "The View" this summer, and Sean Lowe, who should have a Guinness World Record for being the most boring human alive.
Here is what you need to know:
- Tonight’s guests are “celebrity superfan” Diablo Cody, who shares way too many times that she wants to sleep with Evan, the erectile dysfunction specialist from JoJo’s season; Jubilee, the war veteran with a collarbone tattoo; Lace, the self-proclaimed “crazy girl” and drunk from Ben’s season; Leah, who was sent home from Ben’s season for telling Ben lies about Lauren B., his now-fiancee; Sarah, who was sent home from Sean Lowe’s season and "Bachelor in Paradise," making this her third try at love on this franchise; and Chad, the best villain this franchise has ever seen. So basically, they brought in a bunch of women that Chad has publicly humiliated to confront Chad yet again.
- Chad blames Lace for letting him drink so much in Paradise, which ultimately led to him being sent home. He claims that she had strong feelings for him but when the rest of Paradise noticed, she wanted to maintain her “new” reputation and turned on him.
- After forming a Twitter relationship with Chad, Spencer Pratt Skype’d in to talk. I do not know what he says because all I can focus on is how much he looks like the unibomber. Like, no joke. I’m not sure how he looked in the mirror before this and thought, “Hell yeah, this is what I want to look like tonight,” but he did, I guess.
- Chad wins this entire franchise by explaining his actions with, “I’m not pulling a Nick Viall here and being like, ‘I’m a good person now, please like me,’” and “I’m not trying to pawn some teeth whitener on Instagram,” before he was interrupted by Michelle Collins, which is disappointing because I am sure he could have gone on for hours. And I would have stayed tuned.
- Chad apologizes to Sarah for his comments by adding, “For the first like six or seven hours I didn’t even notice [your disability]."
Do we love Chad or hate Chad?
As always, follow me on Twitter and Snapchat @abbydraper for more debauchery & let me know what you think of Paradise!