Monday night's episode of "Bachelor in Paradise" begins with Chad's final farewell — for now, at least.
After last week's infamous "[Expletive] you" to Chris Harrison, Chris asks Chad, the newest franchise villain, where he is going. Chad tells him, "I don't know, Tijuana I guess," and I worry that he's pulling a Marissa Cooper move and going to overdose in an ally in Tijuana.
In the car ride to the airport, bad Chad is sad because he has just realized, "I can't ever be the Bachelor. What am I going to do after this?" Personally, I hope he focuses on the greatness that is his Snapchat story, but I'm sure he'll figure something out.
Chad's rant continues as he confesses that he believes the women in Paradise didn't like him because they weren't supposed to, but also that he shouldn't have drank all day before arriving in Mexico. His remedy, of course, is pouring an entire bottle of liquor into a cup to chug.
FIRST DATE CARD
Back in Paradise, Leah who was sent home from Ben's season for telling Ben lies about Lauren B., his now-fiancee, is the newest addition to the group of cast-offs. And so are her new hair, face and lip injections.
While the women on the island react to the aforementioned by whispering to each other in front of her (obviously), Leah announces that she has a date card.
As the group gathers to hear who gets the next date, Leah asks where Chad is. She thinks they'd have a great connection because they share a love for protein. I hope she intended for that to be her pickup line, because what a fairy tale love story that would have been.
When they tell her that he was sent home for being too "over the top" she looks defeated and says she feels blindsided. I'm confused as to how she is blindsided by this, but I'm more confused by trying to calculate how much money she's spent on plastic surgery in the last year.
After her grappling, she musters, "Leah it's finally time for your one-on-one. Choose wisely." This date card note is a touch to her not being chosen for a one-on-one during Ben's season. Unless you count the night she snuck into his hotel to tell him lies about his now-fiancee.
Nick Viall, a 35-year-old who has been rejected by Andi Dorfman, Kaitlyn Bristowe and "Dancing With the Stars," tells the camera, "I'd like to get to know Leah on a sexual chemistry level," which according to Andi Dorfman in her tell-all book, is a waste of (not much) time.
While Leah makes her rounds before choosing who to take on this date, Nick sits down with the twins, who no one is even making an effort to tell apart, and Jubilee, the war veteran with a collarbone tattoo. The twins blatantly flirt with Nick and Jubilee tells them not to make his head any bigger. Nick responds by telling them that his head is actually "7 and 3/8 inches" and now I know for certain Nick has measured his manhood. More than once.
Leah interrupts this riveting conversation to ask Nick on her date with, "So do you wanna go on this date?" I wonder if I should just start using that as my Bumble opener.
Elsewhere in Paradise, the twins, who no one is even making an effort to tell apart, ask Jorge the bartender for two bananas and then seductively eat them as the the men watch — this is like the beginning of a porn that is either really amazing or really terrible.
Per usual, Lace, the self-proclaimed "crazy girl" and drunk from Ben's season, is at the bar ripping shots by herself. When the buzz is strong enough, she asks Vinny, the barber whose mom showed up at "The Men Tell All" to tell everyone he's single, to put in a good word for her with Grant, the firefighter who is actually probably a stripper who dresses up like a firefighter from JoJo's season, because she just can't go home on Night 1.
Vinny obliges and convinces Grant to head to the bar to talk to Lace. When Grant gets up, I am very distracted by how short his salmon-colored trunks are.
I don't really know what they talk about because I'm still distracted by Grant's shorts, but I do know that Lace must have also been drunk this morning, because she definitely put on a fresh set of fake eyelashes over last night's set of fake eyelashes and they're all trying to fall off.
FIRST DATE
Leah, who was sent home from Ben's season for telling Ben lies about his now-fiancee Lauren B., and Nick, a 35-year-old who has been rejected by Andi Dorfman, Kaitlyn Bristowe and "Dancing With the Stars," arrive at the Festival de Margaritas, where Leah wipes the sweat off of his forehead and neck as I cringe. They drink enough margaritas for Nick to find Leah tolerable and Leah to feel confident enough to kiss Nick. They head to the beach to make out, and at this point it appears Nick will do anything for "love."
SECOND DATE CARD
Daniel, a male model who doesn't look like a male model from JoJo's season, announces the arrival of tonight's second date card and reads, "Nick, there are no rules in paradise, your next date is tonight." Leah thinks she's getting a second date, but Nick asks Amanda, the single mom from Orange County who was third runner-up on Ben's season, instead.
Leah acts very confused at this and reacts how one does in Paradise — by drinking heavily and ugly crying for a camera.
As Amanda is getting ready for her date, Leah yells in her face, "STOP TRYING TO BE ME AMANDA!" which is funny considering Leah's transformation into "every woman who has ever been on Paradise" since she left Ben's season.
Leah tells us she has felt so many emotions today, and I'm pretty sure "emotions" mean sober and then drunk.
SECOND DATE
The pair head to a candlelit dinner, and the first line Nick uses on his date with Amanda is the exact same line he used with Leah because the man only has one move. No matter how many times it's failed.
During their conversation Nick jumps in and asks, "So what is it going to take for you to think you've found the one?" She tells him that she has two daughters and is looking for someone to add to her family," and the guy I'm watching this episode with asks out loud, "And he's what you're going with?"
They leave dinner and obviously head to the beach where they sit in front of a bonfire. It's so hot in Paradise that Leah had to wipe the sweat from Nick's face, so naturally sitting in front of a fire seems like a good plan. They make out and Nick is 2-for-2, unlike any other time on this franchise.
At the resort, Carly, the former cruise ship karaoke singer from Chris Soules' season, tells us that she is kind of feeling Evan, the erectile dysfunction specialist from JoJo's season, and wants to know what a kiss with him would feel like. I want to know the exact opposite.
As Carly and Evan are sitting on a blanket, he lays his head on her shoulder, and now we know that the kiss would be one of those kisses where you can't breathe because his tongue is way too far down your throat and he definitely probably makes weird noises.
As they hug goodnight, Evan finally leans in to kiss her and then skips away before lying in bed to tickle himself. That isn't a joke, he actually went to bed to gently rub his fingers up and down his own chest with the look on his face a young girl gets after a dude says "I love you" to her.
Carly tells the camera that the kiss was terrible, but that maybe she would try it again because she wants to stay in paradise for another week. I get it — I've agreed to dates because I wanted a nice meal but not the price tag.
At the beach, Lace, the self-proclaimed "crazy girl" and drunk from Ben's season, tells us she isn't crazy right away and Grant, the firefighter who is actually probably a stripper who dresses up like a firefighter from JoJo's season, are heavily petting each other in their matching too-short swimsuits before they decide to make their way to share a bed. As they crawl under the covers, we hear her say that she's going to make him want to give her the rose. This is code for "I'm trading hanky panky for another week on TV." Lace covers the camera with a blanket and the loud noises of kissing and moaning make their way to our screens. Naturally, the blanket trick didn't work and we see Grant on top of Lace, likely "giving her his rose."
COCKTAIL RECEPTION
Chris Harrison greets the group to remind them that the men are offering roses tonight and two women are going home. We are also reminded that if one of the twins gets a rose, the other will also stay, which really makes no sense.
All of the women express concern because there haven't been any real connections, so they make their last moves. Sarah, who was sent home from Sean Lowe's season and "Bachelor in Paradise," making this her third try at love on this franchise, goes for Vinny, the barber whose mom showed up at "The Men Tell All" to tell everyone he's single, and they kiss. Then Izzy, who was sent home the first night of Ben's season so no one knows who she is or why she's here, goes for Vinny and, after chugging the last of his cocktail like he's back in Jersey, they kiss.
Leah, showing off her new lips with a blindingly red lip gloss, remembers that Nick said he likes honest, straight-forward women, so she leads with, "I know you've been here many times…" and just like that, she's definitely not getting his rose. He responds, "Well, twice," which she claims is more than he should have, implying that it shouldn't be this hard for him to find a woman to date. She continues by suggesting his wait is over now that she's in the picture and he tells her he prefers Amanda. So basically he pulled an Andi/Kaitlyn move on her.
Leah reacts by heading straight to the bar to rip shots and apply more of her terrible red lipstick to her terrible lip injections before moving on to her next option in paradise — Daniel, a male model who doesn't look like a male model from JoJo's season.
This was their actual conversation:
Leah: "I have a lot of layers"
Daniel: "So you're like an onion. Are you going to make me cry?"
Leah: "No. I'm the onion. I would cry."
Daniel: "So, you're like an orange. With one layer."
I am dumber after writing that.
ROSE CEREMONY
Grant, the firefighter who is actually probably a stripper who dresses up like a firefighter from JoJo's season, is first and offers his rose to Lace, the self-proclaimed "crazy girl" and drunk from Ben's season, who accepts.
Nick Viall, a 35-year-old who has been rejected by Andi Dorfman, Kaitlyn Bristowe and "Dancing With the Stars," is next and calls Amanda, the single mom from Orange County who was third runner-up in Ben's season. She accepts.
Evan, the erectile dysfunction specialist from JoJo's season, gives Carly, the former cruise ship karaoke singer from Chris Soules' season, his rose and she pity takes it.
Jared, "Love man" from Kaitlyn's season, hands the twins, who no one is even making an effort to tell apart, another week and they accept.
After having made out with both of them in a matter of six seconds, Vinny, the barber whose mom showed up at "The Men Tell All" to tell everyone he's single, picks Izzy, who was sent home the first night of Ben's season so no one knows who she is or why she's here, over Sarah, who was sent home from Sean Lowe's season and "Bachelor in Paradise," making this her third try at love on this franchise.
Finally, Daniel, the male model who shouldn't be a male model, says, "Sarah, these guys saved the best girl for last," before asking her to accept his rose. Everyone gushes (I laugh out loud) and she says, "Yes."
This means Jubilee, the war veteran with a collarbone tattoo and Leah, who was sent home from Ben's season for telling Ben lies about his now-fiancee Lauren B., are heading home.
They both leave shedding way more tears than two nights in Mexico is worth.
THIRD DATE CARD
Because the "Bachelor" franchise makes dreams come true, Josh Murray, the suitor Andi Dorfman chose over Nick Viall after his first try at this show, struts his enormous, pearly white teeth down the stairs.
Important to know moving forward: Josh and Andi have obviously called off their engagement. After doing so, Andi wrote a "tell-all" in which she basically tells the world that Josh is a terrible, controlling and abusive man. After months of blanket statements reacting to questions from the media, Josh decided to go on a show called "Famously Single," on which he claims he was trying to find a shot at "real, respectful love," among other digs at his relationship with Andi.
Josh greets Chris Harrison and tells him, "I want to find a wife more than anything" before accepting the date card. I guess "find a wife" translates to "refresh my reputation" these days.
Josh makes his way to the other contestants, and his arrival clearly upsets Nick. Neither of these men likes the other and aren't shy about sharing their feelings. It's like Nick with Shawn B. on Kaitlyn's season but ongoing. Nick doesn't like coming in second.
Josh looks around and asks, "Am I supposed to whip it out?" He's talking about the date card but, like, I wouldn't mind if he weren't.
He reads, "Josh I can't believe you're still single. Get to it, your date is today."
Josh makes his way through the group of women in Paradise to decide who he wants to take out. He tells Carly, the former cruise ship karaoke singer from Chris Soules' season, that he is interested in Amanda, the single mom from Orange County who was third runner-up in Ben's season. Carly tells him that Nick took her out already, so naturally Josh picks Amanda for his date.
Amanda accepts Josh's invitation, sending Nick into his infamous "insecure-but-should-I-confront-this-guy" conundrum.
THIRD DATE
Josh and Amanda's date is on a sailboat, which is way better than dinner and a beach bonfire in 109-degree weather, so Josh is already in the lead in this Josh vs. Nick battle. "Will history repeat itself or is this third time a charm for Nick?" is how I would preview next week. You're welcome, ABC.
We get a quick glimpse into what's happening back at the bar. Daniel, the male model who doesn't look like a male model, asks Nick what he thinks about Andi's book. In case you haven't read it (I obviously have), Andi included some not-so-great things about her relationship with Nick. There is one excerpt from the book where she compared him to herpes and another that calls out how he lied about his lifestyle in Chicago after seeing his apartment.
Nick tells Daniel that there are some parts of the things she wrote about him that aren't fictionalized, so he can't imagine how bad things really were in her relationship with Josh. I'm hoping the parts that weren't fictionalized are the parts about their time in the bedroom. Read the book — it's worth it just for that.
Like clockwork, back on the sailboat, Amanda then asks Josh about the book. He claims that the things Andi said about him aren't true and it's unfortunate she felt the need to write them. He then brings God into the equation. Probably because he watched boring Ben's season on repeat to prepare for Paradise and knew that would work with her.
Josh and Amanda snorkel and swim and then make out.
FOURTH DATE CARD
Things are moving fast in paradise. Right after Carly, the former cruise ship karaoke singer from Chris Soules' season, tells us that, "Evan gives me erectile dysfunction," Evan, the erectile dysfunction specialist, picks up the date card to read, "Evan, will your love go the distance? We're all counting on it." Evan asks Carly on this date and she responds with, "Sure," which is actually how I want to respond when asked on most dates.
Carly tells the camera, "Every part of me is unexcited," and I get a text from a friend that reads, "Carly needs her own show." Girlfriend has stepped up her one-liners on her third shot at finding love on the franchise.
FOURTH DATE
Evan and Carly arrive to a screaming crowd of strangers and Chris Harrison on a stage with a microphone … where he is most comfortable. He tells them they have a chance to make history tonight.
Chris Harrison elaborates by announcing that Mexico is the home of the hottest pepper in the world — the habanero — and tonight, Evan and Carly will be competing for the Guinness Book of World Records' "Longest, hottest habanero kiss." I wonder what Carly did to Chris Harrison to deserve something like this when Amanda got a sailboat date.
Apparently to set this record, they have to chew on the peppers in 30 seconds and then kiss each other, keeping their lips locked for 90 seconds.
After they've chewed on the peppers for 30 seconds, they kiss, and Evan immediately puts his hand on Carly's butt. Now I know how he has two children.
Carly tells the cameras that she would rather be broken up with on national TV again than do this, and I can think of hundreds of things I'd rather do than be broken up with on national TV, so clearly this is as bad as we think it is. Regardless, they actually break the record. Sorry Carly, you and Evan are in the Guinness Book of World Records for longer than most relationships from this franchise last.
When they get to the second part of their date, Carly goes to the bathroom to throw up and tells us it wasn't just from the peppers. Nothing more romantic than throwing up mid-date. Except hating the date, I guess.
Back in paradise, Josh and Amanda return from their date and Nick decides to confront Josh. After some light banter, Nick tells Josh, "I've never seen someone so unapologetic for being such an ass." They then return to the group, where Josh and Amanda aggressively make out in front of everyone else there, including Nick. I bet Andi is sitting at home thinking, "You guys will be paying my mortgage for the rest of my life. Here comes book No. 2."
Josh and Amanda take it to the bedroom and we have to wait until Tuesday night's episode to see what happens. Now I know how Nick feels.
ELIMINATED
Jubilee, the war veteran with a collarbone tattoo.
Leah, who was sent home from Ben's season for telling Ben lies about Lauren B., his now-fiancee.
LINE OF THE NIGHT
"If I were just to bang someone tonight it would be one of the twins" – Daniel.
As always, follow me on Twitter and Snapchat @abbydraper for more debauchery. See you tomorrow!