In the first episode of the two-part "Bachelor in Paradise" finale, we are greeted by the last newcomer to paradise: Tierra, a "chicken enthusiast" from Sean Lowe's (boring) season. There is actually no reason for her to be here, and veteran Nick Viall, a 35-year-old who has been rejected by Andi Dorfman, Kaitlyn Bristowe and "Dancing With the Stars," knows this, so he convinces her to give him the date card. He asks Jen on the date and they go to a carnival to see a tarot reader, but like does this even matter since we all know Jen, the biggest fake boobs Nick has ever touched in his (long) run on this franchise, and Nick don't work out. You know, because he's the next Bachelor and all.
In paradise, Brett, another guy from Andi's season I don't remember, decides that he's over Izzy, who was sent home the first night of Ben's season so no one knows who she is or why she's here and who sent Vinny, the Barber whose mom showed up at "The Men Tell All" to tell everyone he's single, home because she was sure about a future with Brett. Brett decides he wants to give it a go with Lauren H., who I only remember as the fifteenth Lauren during Ben's season, so Izzy goes home.
On her way, Izzy calls Vinny from the limo and tries to apologize, but he reminds her that she dumped him for a guy with a lamp. When he tells her he's not interested in getting back together she claims she's having a panic attack and the car pulls over so she can throw up. Which means refill her cocktail.
As Izzy gets through her emotional breakdown, Tierra sits on the beach eating chicken fingers because the producers are just playing jokes on all of us at this point.
COCKTAIL RECEPTION
Chris Harrison shows up and tells the remaining hopefuls that tonight is the last rose ceremony this season. Thank God.
Ashley, the virgin who cries a lot and loves Jared in a really creepy way, tells us that how this rose ceremony ends is up to Wells, who brought All-4-One on his dates with JoJo. So Jami, a bartender from Canada from Ben's season, Ashley and Shushanna, the Russian "mathematician" from Ben's season, take turns trying to tease what their night in the fantasy suite with Wells would be like. Ashley is a virgin, so her only move is to hold his hand and "accidentally" have it graze her butt. Jami tries to act invested in his life and Shushanna just decides that she's over it. I honestly think it's more so because she is tired of faking English, but Wells still tries to smooth it over. He fails.
Chris Harrison is back already and asks Wells to explain what happened. Wells tells the group that Shushanna wanted to go home and that makes him sad. Probably because a night in the fantasy suite with a woman who doesn't speak English is why he was in paradise in the first place.
ROSE CEREMONY
Josh Murray, the suitor Andi Dorfman chose over Nick Viall after his first try at this show, gives his rose to Amanda, the single mom from Orange County and Ben's season, and says, "I love you so much," to which she responds, "I love you too" — because six weeks is the perfect amount of time to fall in love. Nick is next and offers his rose to Jen, which, again, is a waste of time because we know their future. Grant and Lace are still a thing, it seems. Evan gives another uncomfortable speech to Carly, who is for some reason into it. Brett decides that he doesn't have a solid enough relationship with anyone and apologizes to Lauren H. before bolting. He says he doesn't want to fake it in the fantasy suite and he's definitely the first person from the franchise to feel that way.
Wells has the final rose and offers it to Ashley, who obviously accepts.
The next morning, Chris Harrison addresses the group again and tells them that they will be spending the day having a serious conversation with their "significant other" before deciding whether they want to spend time in the fantasy suite together.
As the couples are deliberating before their "serious conversations," I realize that the only attractive man left in the group is Nick and we all know he didn't find love in paradise. Or Andi's season or Kaitlyn's season. What a sorry season.
The conversation among the remaining men and women is whether Ashley would sleep with Wells should they make it to the fantasy suite. After only being on one date, Wells doesn't think that sleeping with a 26-year-old virgin is a good idea. I have to say, I agree —although I'm not sure I know any 26-year-old virgins.
The women are also talking about this. They continue to offer sex advice to Ashley and I can't believe she isn't crying.
Wells doesn't want to take Ashley's virginity on national TV because unlike when you take a girls' virginity in real life, when it's on camera, you can't deny it — so he pulls her aside to tell her that a second date isn't going to happen in the fantasy suite. She does some weird stuff with her eyes and he tells her he needs to leave. As he leaves, she packs up her six suitcases of makeup and eyelashes and heads back to Santa Monica to record Snapchats for Fab Fit Fun.
Chris Harrison re-addresses the group after Wells and Ashley leave and encourages them to really challenge themselves about whether they want to get married and have children. Because six weeks together on an island with a bunch of other people who have been embarrassed on TV is truly the place for love. He says this is the last time they'll all be together, and the next time will be for a private rose ceremony between each couple.
Grant and Lace take a stroll through paradise and stumble upon a vendor who is selling bracelets that say "Grace," which is their couple nickname, so they steal a few pesos from kids riding bikes and buy them. Then they decide to get "Grace" tattoos together, so basically this is spring break 2004. And I have the tramp stamp to prove it.
Nick and Jen's final date before the fantasy suite is paddle boarding and I would make fun of this except I just tried it and it's really hard. But my Instagram photo is really cute, if you want to see it. They have a conversation about feelings but I can't take it seriously because he announced last week that he was the next Bachelor.
Carly and Evan are greeted by a woman with enormous boobs who runs toward them covered in paint. She then takes her top off and encourages them to do the same. I've seen more of Evan's junk this season than I have of anyone I actually know. And I really didn't need to. They roll around in paint and then rub each other down under a waterfall. Per usual, Evan has an erection the entire time.
Next up, Josh's face screams into my TV that he wants to have children and then he and Amanda play soccer with local children while talking about the kids she already has.
On their final pre-fantasy suite dinners, Jen wants Nick to open up; Carly wants to meet Evans kids and they exchange "I love yous"; Grant is wearing a tuxedo; and Josh is still on a rant about wanting more kids.
All four couples make their way into their fantasy suites and we will learn Tuesday night which couples become engaged. Obviously, Nick and Jen are not one of them.
ELIMINATED
Lauren H., who I only remember as the fifteenth Lauren during Ben's season.
Jami, a bartender from Canada from Ben's season.
Tierra, a "chicken enthusiast" from Sean Lowe's (boring) season.
LINE OF THE NIGHT
"I would, like, aggressively accept his rose tonight" – Jami about Wells.
As always, tell me what you think on Twitter or Snapchat @abbydraper. See you tonight!