Tonight is the premiere of the third season of "Bachelor in Paradise," and from what we've seen in the endless promotion, it's going to be just as stupid as we hoped.
Before sitting down for the two-hour inaugural episode in a few hours, here is a breakdown of what the teaser has prepared us for.
Caila, who should just spell her name Kayla like a normal person, is back for revenge against the franchise for dangling the title of Bachelorette in front of her and ripping it away with the announcement of JoJo as the most recent season's star. It appears she makes a strong connection with Jared, "Love man" from Kaitlyn's season, but it's compromised because Jared and Ashley I., the Kardashian lookalike who never stops crying, are in a weird relationship that no one can figure out. Even the two of them.
Chad, this past season's villain, is back to maintain his title as best "Bachelor" franchise villain ever. In doing so, he picks fights with Evan, an erectile dysfunction specialist, as well as a TBD female on the show. We were told during Monday night's "After the Final Rose" special that after seeing his antics on "BIP" we would know whether or not Chad is the next Bachelor. Chad, I'm hoping you live up to my expectations — because after two terribly boring seasons I need some excitement.
Ashley I., the Kardashian lookalike who never stops crying, returns for a third run at finding love on national television but I'm guessing she's just there to make sure Jared, "Love man," doesn't find love with anyone else.
Carly, who was left broken-hearted after last season of "Bachelor in Paradise," has also made her way to Mexico for a third run at true love. I hope the former cruise ship karaoke singer understands that third time's a charm — and this is her last attempt before simply joining Tinder like the rest of us.
Nick Viall, who has been rejected by Andi Dorfman, Kaitlyn Bristowe and "Dancing With the Stars," has rid himself of all humility and returned again. It's being teased that he finds love with Amanda, the single mom from Orange County, but of course ruins everything by hooking up with an unknown brunette during this season. Will he ever find true love?
Lace, who spent her entire time on Ben's season drunk before sending herself home, has also returned. Probably for the free booze. It appears she has several arguments during the season and probably because she's not sober.
We are promised multiple proposals at the end of it all, and I have to say if Nick is rejected one more time, I hope he just stays on the island.
See you tomorrow morning with the recap from the premiere. As always, follow me on Twitter and Snapchat @abbydraper for more debauchery.