If you thought "The Bachelor" and "Bachelorette" seasons were dumb, you're not only right, you're also in for a treat — because "Bachelor in Paradise" is out of control. And I am happily here to recap every bit of Season 3 for you. You're welcome.
Each week through the summer, there will be an episode on Monday night and another on Tuesday night, because with something so terrible, one night is not enough.
Similar to "The Bachelor" and "Bachelorette," the first episode is essentially an introduction to the season's initial cast. I say initial, because they bring new people in and out all of the time. This show is a serious cluster.
The only difference between the contestants on "Paradise" versus the "Bachelor" or "Bachelorette" is that we've met them all before. Each has been on a previous season of the franchise. So, yes — they are here, on national TV, to find true love. Again. Because that is how love works.
NIGHT ONE CAST
Haley and Emily, the twins from Ben Higgins' season who no one can tell apart.
Nick Viall, a 35-year-old who has been rejected by Andi Dorfman, Kaitlyn Bristowe and "Dancing With the Stars."
Jubilee, the war veteran with a collarbone tattoo from Ben's season.
Evan, the erectile dysfunction specialist from JoJo's season.
Chad, the villain from JoJo's season.
Lace, the self-proclaimed "crazy girl" and drunk from Ben's season.
Daniel, the male model who doesn't look like a model from JoJo's season.
Amanda, the single mom from Orange County who was third runner-up in Ben's season.
Carly, the former cruise ship karaoke singer from Chris Soules' season.
Grant, the firefighter who is actually probably a stripper who dresses up like a firefighter from JoJo's season.
Vinny, the barber whose mom showed up at "The Men Tell All" on JoJo's season to tell everyone he's single.
Sarah, who was sent home from Sean Lowe's season and "Bachelor in Paradise," making this her third try at love on this franchise.
Izzy, who was sent home the first night of Ben's season so no one knows who she is or why she's here.
Jared, "Love man" from Kaitlyn's season who was also in Paradise last season.
WELCOME TO PARADISE
Amanda, the single mom from Orange County who was third runner-up on Ben's season, arrives first and I just want to fast forward to see if Nick Viall proposes to her as the promos suggest.
Hilariously, Nick Viall, a 35-year-old who has been rejected by Andi Dorfman, Kaitlyn Bristowe and "Dancing With the Stars," is second to arrive, which is funny because he always comes in second. To add to how embarrassing this should be for him, they have listed his job title as "Runner-up" on the scroll under his name.
The two have their first interaction, and he asks if he's ever made out in a rainstorm before telling her it's great. Clearly, Nick has not learned much about how to woo women since his latest rejection.
Jubilee, the war veteran with a collarbone tattoo from Ben's season, joins and the three already in Paradise talk about how they want to meet Chad, the villain from JoJo's season, to see what he is actually like.
While they're talking about meeting Chad, Evan, the erectile dysfunction specialist from JoJo's season, walks down the stairs and Jubilee says, "Oh! It's the penis guy," which under all other circumstances would probably be a compliment.
A few minutes later, Vinny, the barber whose mom showed up at "The Men Tell All" to tell everyone he's single, shouts (like, actually shouts) "Paradise let's goooooo!" and then says he's in Puerto Vay-ar-tee because I guess he doesn't speak Spanish. Or English. Or hair.
Carly, the former cruise ship karaoke singer from Chris Soules' season, arrives and we are reminded of what happened to her last season on Paradise. She tells us that if she didn't come back she would regret it, and I think she should rethink what decisions are regrettable.
Grant, the firefighter who is actually probably a stripper who dresses up like a firefighter from JoJo's season, is next and he's wearing shorts that do not fit him. Probably because he was on a season with Jordan and Robby, who never wore appropriately fitting pants.
Daniel, a male model who doesn't look like a male model from JoJo's season, tells us that he isn't impressed with the females in Paradise so far. He says, "The one blonde girl… maybe if I had a couple drinks in me. They're like washed-up street dogs. I'd have to be white girl wasted to [explitive] one of these chicks." So clearly he's taken a page from The Chad's book, but it's not working well for him.
Sarah, who was sent home from Sean Lowe's season and "Bachelor in Paradise," making this her third try at love on this franchise, arrives and tells Chris Harrison that she's not going to stop coming to Paradise until she finds someone. For her sake, I hope she finds someone as soon as she gets to the beach because a fourth try at this show would be humiliating.
Haley and Emily, the twins from Ben Higgins' season who no one can tell apart, tell us they are there to "check out all of the bulges," and I hope they're ready for disappointment.
Izzy, who was sent home the first night of Ben's season so no one knows who she is or why she's here, struts to the bar and Sarah says, "I thought that was actually Jillian" (from Chris Soules' season).
Lace, the self-proclaimed "crazy girl" and drunk from Ben's season, tells us she isn't crazy right away, staying in character.
Jared, "Love man" from Kaitlyn's season, is next and he's clearly the hot commodity. Among both the women and the men.
And then — the moment we've all been waiting for has arrived. As the screen shakes, glasses break and a parrot says "danger" repeatedly, we learn that Chad has made it to Mexico, the place they're calling Paradise.
While talking with Chris Harrison before making his way down the Paradise stairs, Chad says, "I don't need money, I don't need fame. I need a girl," so clearly he's run out of other suitors' exes to knock boots with.
When Chad finally greets the group, everybody reacts nervously. Except for Daniel, who is very excited to see Chad. After they man-greet each other, they head to the water, where Chad says, "You've got 14 dudes who are 6s and 10 chicks who are 10s." I'd like to know how Chad's ranking system works because I'm definitely an 11 on this scale.
Once everyone has arrived and is fueled up on booze, Chris Harrison greets the group to tell them that this season, they'll be going on "Bachelor"-style dates. The first week, the men will hand out the roses, meaning a woman will be going home first.
The first caveat Chris Harrison shares is that if one of the twins gets a rose, the other also stays. This is almost better than the Iaconetti package deal from last season of "Paradise," but like, not really.
Chris Harrison dismisses the group and sends them to their headquarters. That sounds way more sexual than it actually is.
When they get to their rooms, Chad raids the fridge for meat, or what he calls "protein," while Evan searches through Chad's suitcase and finds a meat scale. I have to Google meat scale because in my mind it's something totally different than what it actually is.
That afternoon, Paradise isn't going as well as it should because the dudes are all hanging with the dudes and the chicks are all hanging with the chicks.
Finally, Nick, a 35-year-old who has been rejected by Andi Dorfman, Kaitlyn Bristowe and "Dancing With the Stars," finds the first date card and says, "Jubes [Jubilee] it's got your name on it.
The date card reads, "Jubilee, choose the man you want to hit it off with." She jokingly says she's going to have to think about it after fawning over Jared, "Love man" from Kaitlyn's season, for the last 30 minutes. Her jokes haven't changed since her time on "The Bachelor." They're still bad.
Jubilee makes her way to the pool where Jared is hanging out and asks Jared if he would like to go on a date with her. He agrees and swims toward her. One of the twins is jealous because she likes Jared, so the drama has started. And Ashley I., the Kardashian lookalike who can't stop crying, isn't even here yet.
Lace, the self-proclaimed "crazy girl" and drunk from Ben's season, and Grant, the firefighter who is actually probably a stripper who dresses up like a firefighter from JoJo's season, are hitting it off by taking shots at the bar because she likes the bottle. After she takes a shot with Grant she tells Chad that she wants to see his softer side. This catapults into the two of them drunkenly making out and fighting and then making out and then fighting again.
In between Lace straddling Chad, Chad shakes her around and says, "I got money, I got muscles," and she responds by slapping him. If this isn't true love, I don't know what is.
Lace tells Chad, "Money doesn't make you cool," to which he responds, "Tell that to my Lamborghini." And with that, they take their humping to the ocean.
PARADISE DATE
Jubilee, the war veteran with a collarbone tattoo from Ben's season, and Jared, "Love man" from Kaitlyn's season, make their way to the season's first date. It is at a restaurant decorated with piñatas because, romance.
On Jubilee and Jared's date, they talk about how they're both nerdy and then break down the "Lord of the Rings" to prove to each other, and America, why they're both still single.
As they're speaking a language I don't understand ("Lord of the Rings"), a clown interrupts and Jubilee freaks out. To calm down they hit piñatas — this is like a "date" I had in middle school that was chaperoned by my dad.
That's it. That's the date. It can only go up from here, right?
BACK IN PARADISE
Back in Paradise, Izzy, who was sent home the first night of Ben's season so no one knows who she is or why she's here, and Vinny, the barber whose mom showed up at "The Men Tell All" to tell everyone he's single, are clearly a couple as proven by their making out in the ocean. This ocean has seen more action tonight than I have in like the last six months.
Chad and Lace, the self-proclaimed "crazy girl" and drunk from Ben's season, get into an actual fight and Lace walks away crying while Chad grabs another drink and tells the bartender he loves him. I can relate here, because I tell every bartender I meet that I love him. Probably why I've dated about 11 bartenders.
Chad continues to drink as the rest of the contestants talks about how crazy he is.
Sarah, who was sent home from Sean Lowe's season and "Bachelor in Paradise," making this her third try at love on this franchise, confronts Chad about how disrespectful he is and he says, "[Expletive] that one-armed bitch." And now I am seriously disappointed to say that I can no longer be a Chad fan.
He goes on to say, "Keep sucking that fame [expletive]" before she and everyone else walks away from Chad.
Daniel, the male model who doesn't look like a male model from JoJo's season, tries to talk Chad down but Chad is too drunk and mumbles something about being "um-murdery" because Chad likes to make up words when he's drunk.
Chad tries to hit Daniel before going to walk alone on the beach. The rest of Paradise tells us they think Chad needs to leave, and Chad passes out on the beach, snoring. Like, loudly.
The next morning, Chad wakes up and is confused as to why he's naked. We learn that it's because when he passed out on the beach, he pooped his pants — and now Chad is the least eligible bachelor in America, despite my previous desires. I fall too fast.
When he joins the rest of the group, they are all disgusted by him, which he doesn't understand. Chris Harrison shows up and asks the group to join him, which is never a good sign. He says he knows that things happened last night and asks Chad what happened. Chad tries to play it off but is unsuccessful.
After Chad's attempt at redemption, Chris Harrison says, "In a matter of one night you turned paradise into hell," which sounds like something that could be on a date card. Chris Harrison has been doing this just as long as I have, it seems.
Chris Harrison continues with, "You had a chance to turn over a new leaf and you didn't. On behalf of everyone else, I thought this could work out and it didn't, so I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I'm asking you to leave Paradise right now."
Similar to when he was sent home on JoJo's season, Chad refuses to leave and Lace confronts him asking for an apology. Sarah and Carly ask for the same and Chad still refuses.
After a lot of banter, Chad finally gets up to be escorted out by Chris Harrison.
Chad kind of loses it and Chris Harrison tells him he's making it a lot worse than it is. Chad retorts with, "You went to bed with a mimosa and a robe on," before saying "[Expletive] you, Chris Harrison," which I'm pretty sure is breaking his contract because, like, who says anything bad to Chris Harrison?
We are given the "TO BE CONTINUED" scroll, which is kind of a record for this franchise, being that it's only the first night.
LINE OF THE NIGHT
"An eagle doesn't settle for a pigeon, it settles for an eagle. What's better than an eagle? A pterodactyl maybe? – Daniel.
It's going to be another ridiculous season. As always, follow me on Twitter and Snapchat @abbydraper for more debauchery. See you next week!