Before we begin, I need you all to do something. Tonight, for the first time, we were shown the show's introduction credits for the season. If you watch nothing else your entire life, you have to watch this. The only word I can use is "embarrassing." It's a good laugh, if nothing else.
FIRST DATE CARD
Now, on to the show. Night two starts right where we left off, with Clare, who really stirred things up on last season of "Paradise," joining the cast late. As she makes her way to the group, the cameras show us a crab, and I'm hoping it's a metaphor.
As you remember from last night, Chris Harrison gave her the date card when she arrived, so she reads, "Clare, welcome back to Paradise. Choose a man to take on your first date." When you're late to the game, it's unfortunate because so many have already coupled up, and you likely don't know any of their personalities. So she struggles with what to do.
As she's deciding, Clare calls relationships "relay-shees" and I pause my television because I need a minute with that one before I can keep watching.
Mikey T., the self-proclaimed "alpha male," pulls Clare aside and tells her that it would be "awesome" and "totally rad" if she were to ask him on the date. She blatantly hesitates and then agrees. He clearly does not see that she is uninterested, and we are taken back to his time with Desiree.
For their date, they learn they will be practicing tantric yoga. I feel like I've seen this already. Oh, that's because I have. On last season of "The Bachelor," with Chris and Carly.
Clare continues to speak her own language with, "I hope I don't have to rub 'pry-vees' with Mike on a first date." She should ask JJ, the guy who had a bromance with another dude on Kaitlyn's season, if she can borrow his word of the day calendar, because a 34-year-old woman should not be using abbreviated words for her vagina. It's very clear that Mikey T. is enjoying himself just by looking at his shorts, if you know what I mean.
Mikey T. says he would like to practice "downward Clare" when all of us aren't watching and then she denies him a kiss. This date is like watching porn with a new boyfriend – he's super into the sexual stuff, and you're just smiling while wondering how many spin classes you have to take to make your body look like the girl on TV.
SECOND DATE CARD
We learn that Ashley S., who everyone remembers as the crazy one from Chris Soules' season because, well, she was the crazy one from Chris Soules' season, and Dan, the guy who famously ripped his pants on Desiree's season, have returned from the hospital. They both agree it was an "amazing date."
We have no idea why she was taken to the hospital, but I'm bemused at how this was, one, a date, and two, enjoyable. I don't know about you, but the last person I want to see me in the hospital is a boy I'm trying to impress.
Speaking of the happy new couple, the date card arrives, and Tanner, from Kaitlyn's season who did nothing memorable all season and uses way too many filters on his Instagram pictures, reads, "Ashley S., who's the lucky guy?" She immediately responds with "Dan."
Over dinner, Dan asks why she picked him, and she reiterates that their "first date" at the hospital was the best first date she's ever been on. At this point, I'm feeling bad for Ashley S. because her dating life must be worse than I thought. In the middle of dinner, they are distracted by live music, and they head out to the street to dance. You guys all know I'm a sucker for things like this, so I stop making fun of their hospital date and kind of like them as a couple.
Back at the house, Tenley, who has been dumped twice already on this franchise, is concerned that no one is going to pick her. She tells Mikey T. that she likes Jared, "Love Man" but doesn't want to be a cougar. I'm not totally sure she knows what "cougar" means because she is 31 and he is 27, but then again this is her third go at finding true love on the "Bachelor" series, so she may be confused about more than just what being a cougar means.
Despite her worry, she sees Jared on the beach and then, of course, chases him to see if he wants to spend time together.
Immediately upon seeing this happen, Ashley I., the virgin who looks like a Kardashian from Chris Soules' season, who cries all of the time, starts crying and tells us she "hates these old ladies" and "I'm not going to lose a 26-year-old to her." She decides to take shots to garner enough courage to "solidify her feelings" with Jared.
At this point, I'm starting to feel super old because apparently 31 is considered cougar age. I wonder how Clare must feel.
After she chugs a bottle of tequila, Ashley I. has found the courage to steal Jared away from Tenley. Obviously now Tenley is the one crying.
The men are giving out the first round of roses this season, so we know already that at least one woman is going home.
The women all know that JJ's rose is the one up for grabs, because all of the other dudes have relationships established.
Jillian, from Chris Soules' season, who lets us know in her introduction that she got a boob job for the show, pulls JJ aside first and does exactly what she did on her last date with Chris Soules, aggressively asking very forward questions. Frankly, she should have just shoved her new boobs in his face, rubbed his knee and kissed him, but apparently that's not her style.
Now it's Tenley's turn. She takes advantage of her 31-year-old cougar moves and kisses him. He gropes her butt and rubs her back, and I actually kind of like them together.
Next we see Jared, who everyone obviously adores, charming Ashley I. by simply saying, "You're awesome," because that's how you charm an insecure woman. Clare approaches Jared next, which obviously sends Ashley I. into hysterics again. Jared tells Clare, "If you don't have a rose when it's my turn, you're getting my rose." Tenley should pay attention because clearly Jared is into the whole cougar thing, seeing as there is a 12-year age difference between Jared and Clare.
Tanner is the first to give a rose, and he offers it to Jade, who accepts.
Kirk presents his rose to Carly, who excitedly accepts.
Dan is next, and he gives his rose to Ashley S., who accepts.
Jonathan offers his rose to Juelia, who accepts.
Mikey T. calls Clare's name, and she accepts.
Jared gives his rose to Ashley I., and I almost wish he hadn't. If you remember, this also means that Lauren, the sister who describes herself as "the opposite of virgin," is staying for another week.
JJ is the last to take a turn, and he struggles before calling Tenley's name. She accepts, and Jillian is sent home. Those fake boobs were for nothing.
Jillian, the girl from Chris Soules' season who let us know in her introduction that she got a boob job for the show.
LINE OF THE NIGHT
"I don't know if he makes me feel like a woman or a child, but I like it." – Ashley S.