Nowhere in America says shotgun marriage, sequins and bad decisions like Las Vegas. So it's fitting that week five of "The Bachelorette" takes place in Sin City, where Becca is eager to roll the dice on love. (In fact, Vegas makes so much sense as the backdrop for this show, that ABC should really consider relocating from the Agoura Hills, California, mansion to this desert oasis of excess.)
First up is a one-on-one with Colton, a camel ride where he and Becca are supposed to "get over the humps of (their) past relationships." Colton, who earlier this season had confessed that he briefly dated Becca's friend and fellow "Bachelor" alum Tia Booth, tells Becca that he's only been in love once - and sigh, she didn't say it back. (Was he talking about Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman? The two dated in recent years, but he didn't specify.)
This date, complete with a soak in a hot tub after their camel ride, was quite steamy but also predictable. Becca says she likes the way Colton holds her and their chemistry is good, but he comes across a bit dim. When they pop champagne bottles atop a double-decker tourist bus, Becca has to point out to Colton that there's a huge electronic billboard prompting him to KISS HER.
Becca is also concerned that he associates being in love with pain. I'm more concerned there doesn't seem to be much more here than a pretty face.
Then we segue into an odd yet delightful group date where Wayne Newton prompts the men to rewrite the lyrics to his 1968 classic "Danke Schoen." Thank you, darling contestants, for all the joy and pain of your off-key voices and awkward performances.
Blake takes Becca outside to tell her that he's falling in love with her. And even though this is something Jean Blanc said last week and got sent home for it, Blake's confession was mutual, so he gets a big kiss rather than an escort off the show.
While Blake and Becca are canoodling, Chris gets angry that he hasn't had any time with Becca during this group date, takes this as a sign he's wasting his time and considers leaving. We'll come back to that in a moment.
But first, the long-awaited two-on-one with David (who returned last episode after falling out of his top bunk) and Jordan (who never misses a chance to tell us he's better than everyone because he's a male model).
The best moment: Becca sends Jordan home
The two-on-one generally involves the season's villain and usually takes place in a remote locale, to make the departing contestant look all the more pathetic. In JoJo Fletcher's season, the aggressive man-bear Chad was left in the middle of the Pennsylvania wilderness. But it's not always the villain who goes home! In Nick Viall's season, the Bachelor chose Corinne and left Taylor in a Louisiana swamp.
Becca's date has the look of a West Elm catalogue (lonely cabana in the middle of the desert) and the drama of middle school score-settling. We go into this date expecting this season's villain (Jordan) to get sent home. He's far more of a distraction than this season's gag (David, who showed up on the first night wearing a chicken suit). But then David makes the stupidest mistake a contestant can make: He tattles on the other guy, telling Becca that Jordan had been walking through Vegas casinos, pointing out all the women who wanted to hook up with him. Jordan talks about Becca as if he'd "settle" for her, David says. This is quite an insult for a woman who was called the "safe" choice the last time she was on this show, and ended up getting dumped.
When Becca asks Jordan if he said this, he defends himself vehemently. He never said the S-word; David just read between the lines. And we start to wonder if Jordan has done any Dockers ad campaigns, because his khakis and polo do not look rugged enough for this date, or this conversation. Jordan opens up to Becca, telling him about how he learned about love from the way his father treated his mother, who suffers from mental illness.
Instead of it being a sympathy-inducing moment, Jordan talks about being vulnerable as if he's a robot rehearsing his lines. He's all anger, no sincerity, as he tells David that "being me is my greatest power; being you isn't your greatest power."
Becca is rightly frustrated with both of them, saying she feels like she's back in sixth grade, and that the pettiness was taking away from her chance to get to know them. It would have been completely understandable for her to leave both of them there, to duke it out on the cabana, red dust flying.
But instead Becca bids farewell to David and rides off into the sunset with Jordan - choosing to reject him during their dinner where he continues to discuss only himself and his model-ness.
"You're like no one I've ever met before," Becca says, mastering the art of delivering a putdown that sounds like a compliment, right before she tells Jordan there's something "missing" between them and send him home.
We'll miss his self-aggrandizing one-liners. Now that Jordan is free to pursue his 4,000 matches, this week's gem ("I can speak. I can walk. I'm fit.") will make a brilliant new Tinder profile.
The worst moment: Chris' overconfidence and sense of entitlement
Jordan may be gone, but Chris's overconfidence can more than fill that void. After the group date with Wayne Newton, which Chris repeatedly declared himself to have rocked, he starts to crumble because Becca is talking to everyone but him. Chris: It's a group date. You have to wait your turn and/or cut in. Instead, that overconfidence spirals into insecurity so intense Chris is thinking about leaving the show. Meanwhile, he's had more time with her than those who still haven't had one-on-ones.
When he sees Becca next, he tells her: "I think you owe me 50,000 kisses," which does not go over well with Becca (or with viewers on Twitter).
After the tattle-tale trap, there's the "I'm not getting enough time" trap, and Chris is swiftly falling deeper into it. By the time Chris takes initiative to try to grab time with Becca, he does it in a way that's pushy and threatening. Wills, on the other hand, pulls a Maxine Waters - coming back after being interrupted by Chris to reclaim his time with Becca. "I'm gonna ask you politely to get up," Wills says several times, later pronouncing himself "proud" of how he handles Chris's interjections.
I am too, Wills. I am too.
The weirdest moment: Keeping Chris around
After Chris' meltdown, Becca chooses to keep him at the rose ceremony but let Venmo John go?!
Some of Becca's choices, we'll never understand.