'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' recap, Lisa finally gets her vow-renewal ceremony

Today, I present to you a recap of the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" season 3 finale/reunion special (part 1). It's like a super RHOBH recap. And I am nothing if not immensely proud of myself for getting through this entire thing without throwing my Mac across the room.

Why? Because of good ol' Adrienne, as freaking usual. My parents taught me to have compassion, but I just can't with Adrienne, apparently. Even as I was watching the preview, I didn't feel anything besides annoyance. Why would you bring all of your drama to Ken and Lisa's vow-renewal ceremony? Why does everything this season have to be about Adrienne?

Even the episodes that she refused to appear on, for one reason or another, all devolved into huge discussions about who she was beefing with, how much money she really has, blah, blah, blah. In fact, the first teaser I saw from the reunion was Andy Cohen, talking about Adrienne being absent from the reunion special.

Anyway, I’m getting completely off track. Let us begin with the season finale. We pick back up at Lisa and Ken’s party, right after Faye has stuck her decidedly unladylike nose into Marisa and Brandi’s conversation. I don’t have the heart to re-summarize what all of this nonsense is about, so kindly take a peak at last week’s recap if you can’t remember.

Yolanda and Brandi simply cannot believe she would 1. Interrupt their (chill) conversation with Marisa to start drama. 2. Do so at Lisa’s party. 3. Blame Brandi for Paul and Adrienne’s separation. What is the point of Faye on this show? Just to be as stereotypically catty and diabolical as possible?

And aside from the fact that this concept of being a “lady” is total outdated, limiting and misogynistic, this is coming from the woman who wrote a book and posed for Playboy after testifying in the trial to find her best friend’s killer? (Honey, we didn’t forget.) She gets to call Brandi trashy?

Lisa obviously comes over to find out exactly what’s going on to ruin her function. They clue her in on it all, and naturally she and Yolanda are both livid. Perhaps to remind us that she was once awesome, too, Marisa comes over and finishes her conversation with Brandi. Initially, she tries to excuse Faye’s behavior, saying Faye came over to back her up, but Yolanda squashes that lie. Faye only butted into their conversation to trash Brandi.

Long story short: Brandi shouldn’t worry herself over Marisa’s marital whatever, and Marisa should come to Brandi to discuss issues with Brandi. All seems well, but Brandi is curious to know which one of the women said she’d sleep with anyone, including a married man. Of course, that was good ol’ Faye.

Taylor’s across the room with Linda, and has picked this time to tell her friend that she’s had difficulty being cool with Yolanda because Linda was Yolanda’s husband, David. Head hurt yet? Linda has moved on, and seems to get along with Yolanda and David quite well. Taylor finally lets go of this made-up beef with Yolanda, and I’m so glad. Taylor is nowhere near ready to take that woman on.

Then Faye actually starts a fight with Lisa AT HER SUPER CUTE VOW-RENEWAL/HOUSEWARMING PARTY. Kick her all the way out of your house, Lisa, and let the swans chase her all the way home.

Faye accuses Lisa of treating Brandi like an attack dog of sorts, using Brandi to handle all of her problems with the other women. To which I say, girl bye. Lisa’s soooo right. Faye is spreading malicious gossip, even though she was so appalled when Brandi spread a rumor about Adrienne.

Besides, never have I ever witnessed Brandi picking a fight with someone on this show because Lisa told her to. If anything, Brandi’s previous feuds with Kyle, Kim and Taylor were ALL her own.

In fact, at the beginning of this season, Lisa was telling Brandi how to stay OUT of trouble, ‘member? It was right before the party at Villa Rosa that Adrienne was so pissed she wasn’t invited to that she sent that “floral arrangement.” Plus, as Lisa and Yolanda point out, Faye’s acted as Kyle’s attack dog ALL SEASON.

And now that she feels like she’s losing, Faye is “bored” by it all. Instead of throwing Faye’s trifling behind out by her weave, Lisa picks this time to challenge Kyle’s loyalty. She wants Kyle to back her up in an argument, just this once.

Of course, Kyle fails miserably. Not sure what Kyle wants from Lisa at this point. Kyle’s jealous of Lisa’s friendship with Brandi, and yet she cannot bring herself to y’know, ACTUALLY BE A FRIEND TO LISA. (Obviously, I’m going to be typing in all caps a lot tonight. My apologies. I’m emotional.)

Kyle is trying her best to wriggle her way out of admitting that she is the one who Faye has been speaking for. Brandi admits that she’s had her problems with Kim, Kyle and Taylor, but they have worked on them. It’s funny how Kyle, who was the catalyst for so much crap being started at the beginning of the season, now wants peace.

Kim gets pissed because Kyle failed to acknowledge the fact that Brandi hurt her, as well. Kim and Brandi have made up, and seemed to get closer this season. This argument feels a little petty. But then again, Brandi and Kyle outing her alcohol issues on national television did hurt Kim’s kids, so it should be difficult for her to let that go completely.

That’s when Adrienne rolls up, lacefront askew, looking like she’s been crying for hours. I know you’re hurting (trying with the compassion again) but why, oh why, would you come to Lisa’s party the same day you were served papers? Ken is upset that Adrienne showed up to their party, and didn’t even come up to him and Lisa -- to apologize for being late, say congrats, whatever.

Somehow, in her confessional, Adrienne still thinks it’s OK that she ruined this woman’s party like this. Instead, she’s upset that Lisa didn’t come over to comfort her. That is the most backward, self-centered statement ever. That was a conversation for tomorrow, not for the night of Lisa’s party. Which was planned way in advance of the announcement of your separation.

And it’s gotten to Lisa, too. She feels icky about renewing her vows after all of the fighting and tears. Brandi’s pep talk to get Lisa downstairs to the ceremony was so sweet and genuine. Love seeing healthy friendships between women on reality TV.

To top that sugar off, Lisa and Ken make it through the ceremony. It’s OK if you’ve got a bit of dust in your eyes, guys. And their cute little banter throughout it all: Goodness, if we could all find a love like Ken and Lisa’s. This is better than any Hallmark Channel movie I’ve ever seen. I actually giggled when Ken smushed the cake into Lisa’s face, bruh. GIGGLED.

Now on to the reunion. As I mentioned before, it basically began with Andy Cohen acknowledging Adrienne-gate and how thoroughly annoying that was for everyone involved. The fact that we still are not 100 percent sure what it was that Brandi said to incur Maloof’s wrath is just – I’m so glad she won’t be back next season.

At the reunion, Kim and Kyle are too ready to blame Brandi for Adrienne deciding to leave the show. News flash, ladies. Adrienne didn’t leave the show because of Brandi and her gossip. She left the show because I willed it to happen. Yes. The sheer power of my annoyance traveled – trans-continentally, no less – and inspired Adrienne to chuck the deuces and focus on shoes or vodka, or whatever the heck else she’s up to. I don’t care. As long as she’s not on this show next season, sending threatening letters and then lying about it. Or giving Faye a reason to speak.

Brandi stands up for herself, though. She insists that Adrienne started it all, and that she will “f****** cut a b****” if she has to, in order to defend herself.

We finally (kind of) learn the identity of Taylor’s mystery man from a few episodes back. She’s been seeing her not-yet-completely-divorced attorney. (Brandi’s obviously upset about that, given the Eddie situation.) The BF lives in Denver, though, and she was flying out to see him when the whole “Where’s Kennedy?” mix-up happened at Kyle’s party. Her mother and her nanny had a miscommunication, so even though Taylor admits she has a problem with alcohol, she says she wouldn’t have known where Kennedy was if she was sober, either.

Andy then brings up Lisa and Kyle’s beef. Lisa believes that she and Kyle stopped being close after Kyle (more like Mauricio, probably) sold Lisa’s house – which is a level of shadiness that is practically beyond comprehension.

Kyle insists that it’s because Lisa got close to Brandi and left her behind, but she doesn’t want to fight with Brandi. Instead, she wants to settle this with Lisa. Brandi and Kyle aren’t at odds, and have actually become, sort of, OK with each other.

Yolanda isn’t about keeping the peace this time, though. She brings up Kyle’s fight with Lisa in Paris and Kyle’s two-faced, trouble-making ways.

Somehow, Kyle and Kim have decided that the best way for Kyle to win Lisa back is to break up her budding friendship with Yolanda. She tells Lisa that while they were in Paris, Yolanda said Lisa was “full of s***,” which totally could’ve happened when Yolanda was annoyed with Lisa after Lisa made that joke about Kim possibly taking too many pain killers.

Either way, Lisa’s pretty much fed-up with Kyle, so whether she believed Yolanda when she denied it, is up for debate. Either way Lisa told Kyle that she believed Yolanda, which made Kyle turn another color. And it was the best.

We also finally get to the bottom of why Yolanda’s scenes were usually with her family at the beginning of the season. None of the other women really reached out to her to be her friend.

Kyle accused Yolanda of being cold, but Brandi insisted that Yolanda is just from overseas. Which kind-of makes sense. It could be the slight social awkwardness of living in a country that is not your own. Or, it could be that Yolanda is just ballsy and upfront in a way that Kyle’s not used to.

Meanwhile, it comes out that Kyle, apparently, didn’t bother to offer Yolanda a glass of water when Yolanda was sick in her driveway. Sooo…who’s cold now?

Yolanda got a lot of grief for some of her more, um, un-PC/controversial scenes this season. Admittedly, some of the things noted were issues I was initially turned off by – her Stepford wife-like view of marriage, the weird “pep talk” she gave a worker who didn’t speak English, etc.

No one is perfect, and Yolanda’s foot did spend a good bit of time in her mouth early on in the season, but if I grew to like her, anyone can.

Next week: Reunion Part 2!!! Well, really, Lisa vs. Kyle/Kim (Part 2). Dun dun dunn!

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