'Survivor: South Pacific' recap: 'He Has Demons'

It’s the second episode of "Survivor: South Pacific," and it’s time to let the drama begin!  We’re done with the getting-to-know-you-still-being-polite phase that usually lasts the first episode, and we’re jumping into the drama and strategerizing with both feet.

We begin the episode with Semhar on Redemption Island having her very own pity party for one, this time with poetry!  

As I mentioned last week, I haven’t watched any of Coach’s previous seasons.  Did he refer to himself as the Dragon Slayer then, too?  Was it as annoying as it is now?

Edna, in a confessional, talks about allying herself with Coach, but I miss most of what she’s saying because I can’t stop staring at what’s on her head - what the heck is that?  It looks like a piece of cardboard fashioned into a visor of some sort.

Cochran, oh Cochran.  I’m doing you a solid by calling you that, but if you don’t stop referring to yourself as such, you’re back to John.  Would your mother be surprised by what Cochran’s doing?  Yes, she probably would, because she calls you John.  

And Ozzy’s found the Immunity Idol.  That sound you hear?  That’s thousands of "Survivor" conspiracy theorists (or maybe just five) screaming that the producers have set Ozzy up to win this season because he’s a fan favorite who has failed to win on his own twice previously.  And the sound of that cry?  “Rupert!”

So, Brandon’s plan to keep the fact that he’s Russell’s nephew a secret lasts one whole episode, and he confides in Coach.  Who is the one person on his team who has actually been screwed by Russell in the game.  

Back at Savaii, alliance machinations are in full swing.  So far, the young, hot people have banded together as the first, official alliance in their tribe.  Gee, that’s never happened before, has it?  

At Upolu, Mikayla talks about being a professional women’s football player and how tough and hard-hitting it is -- she conveniently leaves out the part where it’s done in lingerie.  She does seem to genuinely be a tomboy, and has adjusted well to roughing it, so I’m willing to let it go for the time being.

And unlike me, Brandon still has a problem with her.  Apparently, just by being young, fit, and hot, she will cause problems in Brandon’s marriage and needs to go.  The fact that she has not expressed even the smallest iota of interest in him doesn’t matter.  Her mere existence is an affront to him.  Doesn’t seem very Christian, now, does it?

And that thing in the tree that Stacey missed last week?  Not the actual immunity idol, but a clue to where it is.

Challenge time!  And it’s for both immunity and reward.  What, were their schedules too busy to fit in two challenges?  Or are the crew really, really sick of spending days setting up these things to have them used for only a few minutes?  And maypoles?  Really?  They really are running out of ideas … and the second part is a puzzle that resembles those little puzzles you used to get at truck stops or gas stations to use in the car before we had Gameboys (did I just date myself?) -- where only one piece was missing and you had to painstakingly rearrange all the pieces until you had the right pattern.  Despite being behind during the maypole bit, Savaii pulls ahead at the truck stop puzzle part to win.  

Upolu’s going to tribal council, and Brandon is determined to get rid of Mikayla, who, thus far, has been hardworking, drama-free and good at challenges.  

Back at Upolu, talk turns to who is going to be voted out, and…

…Wait a second -- what the hell is that slimy, undulating thing?  Seriously, you can’t just throw a random thing like that in the middle of the episode!

Anyways, now that I’ve recovered from that, Stacey’s name is being thrown around to be voted off.   For what, not having a personality?  And Brandon is talking to Coach about voting Mikayla off for a bunch of crazy reasons that only make sense in Brandon’s head.   And Coach is beginning to realize that Brandon is off his rocker.  Now they’re talking about Christine … geez, this whole thing is turning into a giant cluster-you-know-what.  Christine agrees with me and goes looking for the Immunity Idol.

Come on, Upolu, Brandon’s showing his crazy!  It’s not going to get any better!  Get rid of him now!  Sigh.  They never listen to me.  

Voting at tribal council is all over the place, showing how fractured this tribe is, but ultimately, Christine is voted out.

People I liked:  Mikayla; capable and doesn’t get her panties in a bunch about anything, really.  We’ll see if this keeps up.  Rick; still haven’t heard him speak a word, but I like his hat.  Albert; he seems to have a good head on his shoulders, but he’s aligned himself with the two biggest douches in his tribe.

People I don’t like:  Brandon, Brandon, a thousand times Brandon.  

People who are bugging me, but whom I don’t actively dislike (yet): Coach; the man seems to thrive on drama under the guise of honor.  Cochran; he’s aiming for self-deprecating and coming off as incompetent and desperate.

Credits:  Mikayla, Coach, Brandon and Albert are the ones who voted for Christine, which makes me wonder exactly who is in what alliance.  Christine calls Coach a tool, which makes me like her more. Luckily, she should defeat Semhar handily and get to hang out on Redemption Island and maybe get back in the game.  

Next week: Ozzy doesn’t live up to the hype, and Brandon shows the crazy some more.

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