It takes a certain kind of bar to be successful in the Inner Harbor, and, sadly, Dick's Last Resort is it.
The new waterside restaurant and bar next to Hard Rock Cafe is, in a word, colorful. That's a diplomatic way to put it. Dick's gets off on insulting its customers, with sarcastic servers and gimmicky put-downs. Underneath all the gimmicks, Dick's is just what you'd expect: a tourist zone with overpriced drinks and funky decor.
Dick's Last Resort, which opened late last month, isn't the first Baltimore restaurant/bar with a cheap phallic pun in its name. It probably won't be the last, either. Dick's Halfway Inn on Philadelphia Road takes the crass joke a step further. And who could forget the late Crabby Dick's in Fells Point? Though Crabby Dick's, which closed a few years ago, might have felt a little like a chain, at least it had local roots. Dick's Last Resort is inescapably corporate.
The mascot, Dick, is a scruffy, scowling middle-age bald man with a beer gut — a real sourpuss, from the look of it. The restaurant, with its pastel walls and assortment of odd knickknacks, is eccentric but chipper. There's a bull's head mounted to one wall, with colorful beads dangling from one of its horns, and a seaside mural with 3-D fish attached to the wall. Dick's has plenty of dining space, a bar and a small stage with regular live music.
On a visit this week, I nabbed a chair at the bar. When I set my elbows on the stone-topped bar, I immediately realized it was about six inches too high (or the chairs were six inches too low). At 5 foot 9, I'm of average height for a guy, and the bar almost came up to my shoulders. Sitting there, I felt like a kid waiting for a root beer float at the drugstore.
Servers at Dick's go out of their way to sling insults at customers. When patrons sit down at tables, the waiters bring over paper hats with crude sayings written on them. I saw an old fellow wearing a hat that read "Former underwear model." Heh. During the day, they tone it down some, my bartender said, but at night, anything goes.
Thankfully, my bartender didn't buy into the restaurant's put-down policy. She was pleasant and efficient. But some of the drink prices were far more insulting than the service.
A bottle of Natty Boh is $4.75. Let me repeat that, just so it sinks in: At Dick's Last Resort, a bottle of Boh is $4.75.
In all my years as a nightlife writer, I've never seen Boh sell for that much. I'd say $3 is too much. I had to order it, just to see if, somehow, the most expensive bottle of Boh I'd ever tried was any better than the cheaper bottles I'd had at dozens of dive bars around town. It wasn't.
Meanwhile, a bottle of Flying Dog Raging Bitch Belgian IPA was $5.75, which isn't that bad. And to the bar's credit, Dick's had two Heavy Seas brews on tap: Marzen and Loose Cannon. You can order a pint or a large souvenir glass, which costs upwards of $10, and you get to take it home.
The bar at Dick's gives free shots to women who take off their bras, and lo and behold, a handful of bras were hanging from the bar back when I went. Stay classy, Dick's.
Regardless of the drink prices and other cliches, Dick's is tailored for the neighborhood. With all the foot traffic and families in and out of the Inner Harbor every day, I'll bet it does well there. Personally, I'd only go back if it was my last resort.
If you go
Dick's Last Resort is at 621 E Pratt St. #100. Hours are 11 a.m.-midnight Sundays-Thursdays and 11 a.m.-2 a.m. Fridays and Saturdays. Call 443-453-5961 or go to dickslastresort.com.