Compromise: a word I avoided until I could no longer ignore its importance.
I was pretty spoiled growing up. Things were either my way or no way.
In college, I met people from different states who had upbringings and mindsets unfamiliar to me. I quickly learned that it wasn't going to be my way at all times.
It took a great deal of open-mindedness and tongue-biting to realize that it was OK for plates to be in the cabinet above the stove and not to the left as I was accustomed to. It wasn't so bad to put ketchup in the refrigerator, even though it made no sense to dress hot food with a cold condiment.
There was a time where I lost friends because of my inability to see other points of view. I just couldn't grasp why people wanted to do things contrary to my expert methods.
Compromise: a once-petrifying word that I now know all about.
In one memorable relationship, I lived by this word. I was always willing to see each side of the spectrum for the person I loved. I believed this would make things run much more smoothly.
He, on the other hand, didn't see it this way.
It became debilitating to constantly bend for a person who just sat back and received the benefits. I'd let my stubborn ways subside, all to become the recipient of grade-school antics.
That relationship took tremendous effort. It took even longer to wrap my mind around the notion that it was never, ever going to work.
If it wasn't his way, he'd throw child-like tantrums, like the ones you'd see at the mall on a Saturday afternoon from cranky 3-year-olds. He'd call me anything to hurt my feelings and would stop talking to me for periods of time.
It was as though I was more like his mother than his girlfriend.
I remember a time when I crammed a million tasks into my tight Tuesday schedule. Instead of understanding, he lashed out at me for not being available to take him to the bank when he requested.
I, apparently, was selfish for living my life, rather than putting it on hold to keep his on track.
The compromiser in me thought of every possible way to assist him. But the girl with the attitude problem told him where he could shove it.
That mess of a relationship helped me see that there is a fine line between compromise and settling.
It was discouraging and downright annoying to know that most of the time my opinion would not matter. Despite how right I was or how much more sense I made than him, he refused to adjust.
He certainly was not what I needed.
Truthfully, no woman wants a pushover. Simultaneously, no woman wants a dictator. We want a happy medium, and what you give us, we'll give you 10 times more.
You show us appreciation; we will show you substantially more. You hurt us; we can be experts at revenge. It's really simple.
It's sad to see people so wrapped up in trying to make a relationship work that they begin walking on eggshells, trying so hard to not ruffle their mates' feathers by voicing their opinions.
What their partner wants becomes the main objective. That's not a relationship. That's torture.
I know some ingenious and once-resilient women who have lost touch with their own passions to become a cheerleader on the team their guys are playing for.
The right love will fuel your desire for more and stimulate your fantasies. The ideal person won't allow all of the attention to be on them, but will be equally concerned about you.
Love builds, it doesn't break.
Compromise: a word that I've learned will make or break a relationship.
Zahara Johnson's column appears regularly in b.