Happy New Year! We made it to see another day, which will hopefully blossom into a successful and productive 2015.
As a part of my resolutions, I'm recapping 2014 and thinking of how mentally and emotionally demanding it was for me.
There were many ups, downs and further downs that left extensive damage to my psyche and soul. There are certain experiences I try to push to the back of my mind because of the deep gashes left on my heart. Those circumstances changed my perspectives on relationships.
Just last week, I was with a guy friend when I got a clearer view of the altered Zahara.
I've known him for a few years and while the attraction is obviously there, the dynamics of our relationship haven't made me comfortable with moving past the friend zone.
There's a lot that I love about him, though. His natural playfulness and comedic vulgarity always keep a smile on my face. These are the same characteristics, however, that sometimes irritate the hell out of me.
A Saturday conversation, full of jokes and laughs, somehow turned into a mini shouting match. I did not anticipate our differences being aired out or him telling me that I only care about myself.
I signed up for a trip to the mall, not an intervention.
In the midst of my minor frustration, I blurted out that due to my previous relationship, I would never give another man the benefits I'd given my ex.
It didn't take long for me to regret my words. It wasn't that I didn't mean them. It was the fact that I allowed a situation to severely change me — for the worse.
Since then, I have not spoken to my friend, and that hasn't sat well with me.
Has this new outlook on relationships and men caused me to push away people I've known for years? Was I like the women in movies who got their hearts broken and then wreaked havoc on undeserving men?
Or maybe I'd become the cat lady. You know, the woman who lives alone in the woods, accompanied only by 20 unkempt and starving felines.
No matter how hard I try now, I just can't feel much emotion.
I'll start talking to a respectful and caring guy and will only think something strange is going on.
A million thoughts will run through my contaminated mind about how he has ill intentions or is using me for some sort of gain.
Then, I'll stop caring.
Even if Prince Charming assured me he's only interested in my heart, it would be more effective to tell that to a 2-foot-thick brick wall.
I've become selfish and virtually heartless. I'm living by the motto, "Hurt or be hurt." Better him than me, right?
I'm now the carrier of an ongoing cycle of hurt, a cycle that I didn't choose to be a part of and am wrongfully dragging others into as well.
Let's be honest: I'm a woman scarred by her past and haven't figured out how to let it go.
I haven't healed from the tumult of last year but I know it's imperative that I leave the mess where it belongs.
Everyone says, "2015 will be your year." And I've decided that, for me, that holds much truth.
It'll be my year to accept the past and allow it to make me wiser, not meaner. It will be my year to never change who I truly am. Everyone has experienced pain at one point in time, but it's all about how they carried themselves afterward.
I want to go into every friendship and relationship with a clear heart and mind, and allow my true self to be communicated.
I am bigger than a heartbreak and I know better than to be a heartbreaker.
I know Zahara is still in there, I just have to find her.
Zahara Johnson's column appears regularly in b.